HELP!!! Why Woman Masterbate
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - Online Counseling - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Sex in Marriage » HELP!!! Why Woman Masterbate

Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 03-04-2009, 10:50 AM   #1 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 21
Unhappy HELP!!! Why Woman Masterbate

I am a fairly attractive younger man who has been married to a beautiful woman for 7 years and have been with her for a total of 10 years. Our sex life at the begining was good. We would have intimate encounters several times a week, cuttle and kiss regularly and life was good. After having our first of two children 4 years ago my wife's sex drive decresed and our romantic love life started to fade. When the second child came it almost destroyed her sex drive (or so I thought). He is now 2 years old and life has returned to normal (as normal as life with two kids can be). I have tried everything to show my love for my wife, make her feel special and have her want to have sex with me. Things have continued to degrade and now we have sex about once a week but it is not enjoyable for either of us anymore. She is not interested in sex and it is alway a "chore" for her. She will say thing like "don't be a hero" and "you can finish anytime now" while we are making love. I find these comments very degrating and have told her that in the past. I seriously have tried everything and I can not get her to be passionate.

Last week she told me that I no longer "do it" for her and that she has lost "the passion". She's admitted that the only reason why she had sex with me for the past 5 years was to "satisfy me and get me off her back". Looking back I should have realized this and given her space. She has commited to working on our marriage and I am truely happy for that. We have taken sex off the table so that we can work on our relationship, however, now she does not even like to kiss me and cuttling is out of the questions for her.

The problem that I have is that I always told myself that the reason why she didn't want to make love was that her sex drive was gone but after prying a bit she also admited that she masterbates quite regularly and sometimes up to once a day. This was very difficult for me to hear and I really don't understand what I did wrong.

My questions are: Do woman like to masterbate more then they like to make love to their significant other? What does she mean when she tells me that she has lost the passion? Can she get the passion back or is our marriage over? What can I do to help her re-discover the passion? Any advise would be appreciated!

FYI I cook, clean, do laudry, pick-up the kids, take care of them so she can go shopping, ect... I try to be the best husban and father that I can.

Please help!
MrMarriedman is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 03-04-2009, 11:17 AM   #2 (permalink)
Forum Supporter
 
MarkTwain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Yorkshire, UK
Posts: 3,426
Default Re: HELP!!! Why Woman Masterbate

I would be surprised if you can't find yourself somwhere in my article:

Sexless Marraige?
If you read the whole thing and comment, I will get back to you.
But from the way you write, it seems fairly clear which category you're in already.
__________________
MT

Last edited by MarkTwain; 03-27-2009 at 03:22 PM.
MarkTwain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-04-2009, 11:59 AM   #3 (permalink)
Moderator
 
Amplexor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Temporary Resident of Earth Lord Only Knows Where Next
Posts: 5,382
Default Re: HELP!!! Why Woman Masterbate

Quote:
Originally Posted by MrMarriedman View Post
FYI I cook, clean, do laudry, pick-up the kids, take care of them so she can go shopping, ect... I try to be the best husban and father that I can.
Great on the logistics of the house hold. What do you provide for her emotionally? What issues are you working on in the marriage? It is likely an emotional detachment on her part that impedes the sex drive.
__________________
Amp

Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.

"Some of the greatest lessons life has taught me came from my darkest days in it" -Amp
Amplexor is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-04-2009, 12:36 PM   #4 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 21
Default Re: HELP!!! Why Woman Masterbate

Thank-you Mommy22. You your insight was amaizing.
MrMarriedman is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-04-2009, 12:54 PM   #5 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 21
Default Re: HELP!!! Why Woman Masterbate

Quick questions...should I be worried that she does not want to make love to me? Does this mean that she could be having an affair???
MrMarriedman is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-04-2009, 12:57 PM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: England
Posts: 220
Default Re: HELP!!! Why Woman Masterbate

I think people have such unrealistic views of sex. They expect that both partners are going to be in the mood at the same time, it'll all be wonderfully spontaneous and romantic etc etc.

If I'm horny I'd expect the bloke I'm sharing a bed with to sort me out whether he was in the mood or not. Likewise if he wanted a shag and I didn't really feel like it I'd sort him out (seriously how much effort is involved in a blowjob). Since I first started having sex that's how I've done it and its worked out pretty well. I've never seemed to attract the drama queens that a lot of my mates got lumbered with.

I remember a friend of mine told me once that I got a sense of efficacy from sex! she was tutting her head and spouting all this psycho babble nonsense she'd read. And I just said of course I did (i had to ask her what efficacy meant first) as a human being its only natural. She'd read all this nonsense and it was reinforcing the notion in her head that the series of car wrecks that were her relationships was somehow to be expected.

Sex is easier than a lot of people make out, there's no need to over complicate it.
sarah.rslp is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-04-2009, 01:21 PM   #7 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 2,491
Default Re: HELP!!! Why Woman Masterbate

seems pretty hostile to tell you that for five years you haven't done it for her. Sure, on one level it is candid, but on another, five years?

She prefers herself getting off to sex with you? In a marriage that is not acceptable.

If this were a man doing that, most responders would be calling the guy snarky names.

She's avoiding intimacy with you, clearly, she has a libido, where is it focused?

Not suggesting she is having an affair, but it is a reasonable question to wonder about.

I agree with you about the comments during sex basically telling you to get it over, are designed to do the following:

1. Tell you she is not liking the sex IN THE MOMENT.

2. Tell you to get off me, I'm so done with this chore.

3. Tell you , you're not her hero and cannot be. You don't satisfy her sexually.

4. Interrupt your pleasure making it impossible to really be satisfied in the moment.

She's very hostile to you. Why?

BTW, not against masturbation, every one does it. The context here is instead of enjoying relations with you.

Last edited by michzz; 03-04-2009 at 01:32 PM. Reason: added a thought
michzz is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-04-2009, 01:25 PM   #8 (permalink)
Member
 
HisSummerRose's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: OHIO
Posts: 120
Default Re: HELP!!! Why Woman Masterbate

mrmarriedman ... I am praying that you can get things back with your wife ... I am sure that things are hard right now but I will be praying for you !!!
__________________
together for 34 years & still going strong

HisSummerRose is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-04-2009, 03:21 PM   #9 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 21
Default Re: HELP!!! Why Woman Masterbate

Thanks to all of you for your insight. I feel now that I failed by not truely listening to her and for taking her advantage. I can't control her feelings or actions I can only control mine and that is what I plan on doing.
MrMarriedman is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-05-2009, 04:14 AM   #10 (permalink)
Forum Supporter
 
MarkTwain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Yorkshire, UK
Posts: 3,426
Default Re: HELP!!! Why Woman Masterbate

Quote:
Originally Posted by MrMarriedman View Post
We have taken sex off the table so that we can work on our relationship, however, now she does not even like to kiss me and cuttling is out of the questions for her.
What exactly do you mean by this: off the table? For how long?

If you read my article you would see which camp you fall into - it's written all over you.
__________________
MT
MarkTwain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-05-2009, 09:17 AM   #11 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 21
Default Re: HELP!!! Why Woman Masterbate

We have both agreed that we will not have sex until our problems are resolved and we BOTH want to have sex. I want the next time we make love to be a positive experience for both of us. As far as how long, I am not sure. Could be a month or it could be 6 months. This has proven to be the most difficult task for me because sex is important to me but it is worth the sort term pain for the long term gain.

I had a break through last night after reading your article Mark. I was not a good lover and I was not in tuned with my wife’s wants and needs. I am a great husband and father but a poor communicator and a poor lover. I am going to work on both these issues.

We had a great talk this morning. I admitted my faults in the past and told her that I respect her and want to learn more about her emotions and desires. After the talk she hugged and kissed me passionately. I think with a lot of work we will be alright. We are both very excited to move forward.

Thanks again for all your comments. It really is crazy how out of tune men can be with woman’s emotions and feelings. I am 28 years old and I just figured out that grabbing at my wife after our children go down for a nap is not foreplay!!! It does NOT turn her on!!! I need a lot of work. LOL
MrMarriedman is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-05-2009, 09:39 AM   #12 (permalink)
Forum Supporter
 
MarkTwain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Yorkshire, UK
Posts: 3,426
Default Re: HELP!!! Why Woman Masterbate

Quote:
Originally Posted by MrMarriedman View Post
I had a break through last night after reading your article Mark. I was not a good lover and I was not in tuned with my wife’s wants and needs. I am a great husband and father but a poor communicator and a poor lover. I am going to work on both these issues.
I'm really pleased for you, but I saw something else... If I am wrong, please shoot me down, but you seem to be a bit of a doormat/lacking in spine.

Most women are turned on by a bit of male arrogance, but they won't admit it. The really like c0cky cheeky fun. Most of all they want to know a man is firm.

If you have as many as two items on my check list, the prognosis is very good if you can put them both right.

Please do not talk to your wife about the backbone issue. This is something you must work on in secret. Asking "Do I lack backbone" misses the point!

Few women will say to you face they want you to be firmer with them - though they often post it up on threads in here...
__________________
MT
MarkTwain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-05-2009, 10:02 AM   #13 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 699
Default Re: HELP!!! Why Woman Masterbate

MT is right about the backbone thing.

When it comes to my wife and kids, I am firm and "have a backbone", but I am most definitely non-confrontational with everyone else in the world.

I will give in if its not that big of a deal, only if its serious would I stand firm. The only times I "stand firm" is if its something either attacking my family or my morals.

For instance, I travel a lot for work and the guys can always talk me into whatever restaurant they want, I'm "easy". However, when they want to go to the strip club after, no matter how much prodding, I always have them drop me back off at the hotel and then I call my wife and wish her a good night sleep.

My wife has told me numerous times she wishes I "stuck up for myself" more with other people.
revitalizedhusband is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-05-2009, 11:04 AM   #14 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 21
Smile Re: HELP!!! Why Woman Masterbate

Thanks Mark. I am a bit of a door mat and that is one of the main areas I will be working on. I didn't mention it in my previous responce because I agree that this needs to be worked on in private. Can you give me any pointers on how to be romantic but firm??? What issues do woman like me to be firm on??? My wife does NOT like it when I am aggressive when it comes to hugs/kisses/sex. This turns her off completely. She enjoys slow romantic moves. How can I show my strength as a man but still be a compationate and loving partner???
MrMarriedman is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 03-05-2009, 12:12 PM   #15 (permalink)
Forum Supporter
 
MarkTwain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Yorkshire, UK
Posts: 3,426
Default Re: HELP!!! Why Woman Masterbate

Quote:
Originally Posted by MrMarriedman View Post
Thanks Mark. I am a bit of a door mat and that is one of the main areas I will be working on. I didn't mention it in my previous responce because I agree that this needs to be worked on in private. Can you give me any pointers on how to be romantic but firm??? What issues do woman like me to be firm on??? My wife does NOT like it when I am aggressive when it comes to hugs/kisses/sex. This turns her off completely. She enjoys slow romantic moves. How can I show my strength as a man but still be a compationate and loving partner???
Romance has to be tailored for the recipient. I wrote about it here:
Romance for Men

You don't need to be romantic and firm at the same time.
Work on romance, and making her feel cherished. When you get good at it, there will always be a background of romance in the air, but on certain occasions you can step it up. For instance, my wife loves it if I make her a hot cup of tea the moment she comes in from shopping. So when I am on the ball, I have the kettle boiling before she comes back, so I can give her the tea before she even sits down. I also sneak down to the supermarket - it's just round the corner, and help her carry the bags back - not every time, but when I want to make her feel extra cared for. It's lots of little things like that. But I don't get under her foot - I give her space too because she is the sort of woman who likes to be left alone quite a lot also.

Firmness is different. I tel her to knock it off if she tries to boss me. When she is 7 days before her period she can be really difficult, and gives me a hard time. I let her know when she has gone too far - or tell her to sit down and I will take care of x,y or z.
__________________
MT

Last edited by MarkTwain; 03-27-2009 at 03:19 PM.
MarkTwain is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
My husband wants me to masterbate zoey4279 Sex in Marriage 24 12-17-2012 01:43 AM
Ladies, I need tips on how to get my wife to masterbate marriedguy Sex in Marriage 30 07-05-2011 06:03 PM
How many men masterbate? mea_3 The Men's Clubhouse 80 03-03-2010 09:49 AM
How do you Masterbate and where? LuckyCharmH Sex in Marriage 8 02-02-2010 01:23 AM
No sex... and all I can do is masterbate behind his back.. Girl33 Sex in Marriage 4 11-29-2009 07:04 AM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads





Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 11:55 AM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage