hookares

I need to tell you that the two of you need to find a compromise or your marriage is doomed. You are kidding yourself if you think he isn't aware of your half hearted responses to his attempts to please you. Of course, if you really don't care, maybe he will find this board and there will be plenty of advice to him to help him alleviate HIS problem.

tacoma

Your husband wants sex 30 times a month - why should he have it less often?

MEM11363

Marie,
Welcome to tam. Props to you for making an effort to find a mutually agreeable solution to your differing drives.

I am married to a wonderful LD partner who has worked hard to find a mutually workable sex life for us.

I will say that what has helped us a lot is:
- she has always grasped how important this is to me
- I have always made an effort to go the extra mile for her outside the bedroom. And I also realize I is a big deal to give yourself to someone when you are not feeling it

What would happen if you said to him - new routine - you want to pleasure me you can give me a massage but that is it for me. When you finish I will please you.

He needs to be willing to work with you on this.


UOTE=marieJa;677403]I am a low libido female, 25 years old. I feel the need for sex once in a month (a week before my period). Otherwise, it never comes to my mind, and I mean NEVER. And I'm happy with that!

My husband is the opposite. It might be one day of a month when he doesn't want sex (sex for him is equal to pleasing me). He is a gentle and generous lover, always putting my pleasure first: he could give me oral for hours, he makes sure I get many orgasms etc. And he enjoys every second of it - he calls it the best way to express his love for me.

But I just don't need that kind of an attention that often! I do need it sometimes, but only sometimes. I would MUCH rather enjoy other kind of pleasure from him, like a back rub, but NO. He wants to give me sex. And when I don't initially want it but I do it for him, the whole act feels like a chore. When I do want it, it is great. But I want it so rarely (well, I don't feel it is too rarely for me, but for him, it is).

I guess our ways of expressing love are very different. I wouldn't mind pleasing him, but to give one's body to someone when you don't want it yourself is not a pleasant feeling at all.

So - what to do? Continue having chore-like sex (so that he gets what he wants), or have it once a month (so that I get what I want)?[/QUOTE]
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Goldmember357

I also feel two people should not marry if they are not even close to the same page on sex and sex drive sooner or later someone will cheat or in your case (which is rare) the two people will put forth the effort to make it work.


I feel most people are selfish and truly not capable of loving another person and thus the world is were it is. It seems so many people would rather die before helping or wishing to accommodate someone they love. That is why there are truly few marriages that are happy.

waiwera

Yes and how sad it that!!!

Why would you begrudge your lover/best friend anything...anything at all to make their day a little sweeter

Browncoat

I agree, just wish you could know in advance. Sometimes you can't always tell, and of course we are changed over time by kids, depression, medicines, sickness, etc.

So two people who may be a match at one point in time, may not stay that way.

Grrr... stupid humans and their changing.

OhhShiney

Yes, talk now, not later.

Saying what you are feeling now may be very hard to take, but waiting a few years would be horrible.

Also, I do wonder if youve talked about this with a doctor or therapist. A truly low sex drive is not normal in either gender. There are hormones that can be out of whack. The chemistry may have been the way it was for years, so it may seem normal to you, but it may be worth a checkup to see if there is an organic reason. You don't need to go for something to artificially raise levels, but if you have abnormally low thyroid, iron, or even testosterone (yes, women have that too), you may be in for a surprise. I was anemic for years and it completely changed my personality when I got treatment.

It's also possible that you have not experienced a truly satisfying sexual encounter. I know my wife didn't realize what an orgasm was until 6 years into her first marriage. They married way too young and never learned to deal with the libido differences. By the time she knew a bit about her own orgasmic ability, the habits were set in stone, and her husband and her never got into a good groove. He thought he was doing the right thing, and she couldn't break the mold. Her sex drive didn't really kick in until she was in her late 40s. Her first marriage fell apart in large part because of the mismatched sex drive and communication about it and subsequent inability to meet each other's needs physically. This stuff matters over time, any rift should be nipped in the bud.
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DTO

We all get your point. We are simply pointing out (as a group) two truths:

1) Most people (men and women) go into marriage with a decent sex drive and look forward to being with their spouses regularly. So, if that's not you, you really should have told him so ahead of time.

2) He does much for you to make you happy, given that you say your relationship is great other than sex. Some of that you could do without; some are critical to your happiness. It's safe to assume that some of those things you value your husband does mainly or entirely because he wants to make you happy, but your attitude does not appear to reflect that.

I will add:

3) You are attempting to rationalize your handling of the sex issue. Your statement that sharing your body is different than other sacrifices is just another version of that tired line "sex is different". You pose it as some sort of overarching truth rather than a personal perspective. If you actually get into a serious discussion over this with your husband, and then use that line, you will get nowhere.

DTO

Ahhh, more rationalization, and then the "I would never" line.

First, I don't think you are getting us here. To be really blunt, the odds those little things you love re done naturally or effortlessly are slim. It is much more likely that he would rather be doing something else but WORKS at making you happy.

Two, he is not "making" you do anything. You know sex matters and sexual unhappiness could harm or end your marriage, so that's a start. But, your attitude here says that (all too typically) the woman's sex drive should set the tone - "why should I have it more" rather than "how can we compromise better" or "how can I improve my drive" says it all.

Three, you ARE asking him to do something UNWILLINGLY. If you had your way, he would suppress or endure his sex drive and settle for the once a month frequency you prefer. If you do not believe that he would be at least as unhappy at that frequency are you are now, then you are simply unrealistic.

marieJa

Posted via Mobile Device[/QUOTE]

Good points! Though, I would like to fully understand how sex is so important for men - I really can't see it.

I think that more communication & working towards a decent compromise will work. I guess I'm a bit afraid of his reaction, as I don't want to hurt him...

Browncoat

I disagree, but before I answer further let me ask you this: do you passionately love him in the bedroom? Not just do you go through the motions of sex, I mean really and totally make love to him because you desire him and he can feel that love in everything you do for him in bed?

that_girl

Just stop the BS and love your husband. Life is too short. He could be gone spontaneously and what then?

Love and be loved. Seriously.

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Browncoat

Heck it's late and I don't feel like waiting for an answer, so I'll tell you that if you don't show him love in the bedroom. If he (esp being HD) doesn't feel that, he may go on and seem to be fine for months, years even. It will eventually catch up and something will change in him.

Eventually he won't feel that you love him or care for him. You can do all sorts of wonderful things out of the bedroom, and in his head he'll know you love him... but he won't feel it in his heart.

I'll tell you in my case for 12 years I felt that our love for each other was enough, that we could get by even though sex was about 1-3x a month on average. It wasn't. There was no big event, nothing that clearly triggered a change but a change happened all the same. At some point I felt a hole inside and it ached.

That ache is only stronger now 3 years later (now about 15 years into marriage). We are going to counselling for it, we have more sex now. Still that hole is there. It's not just the amount of sex, even though that's part of it. It's the sense that the sex is more than just going through the motions. That it's a genuine demonstration by your wife that she loves you body and soul. Without that I feel hollow and empty inside. Unloved and uncared for.

In my head I know she loves me, outside the bedroom we are the best of friends. We laugh out loud sometimes so loud we fear we will wake the kids down the hall. Yet I still don't FEEL loved. I feel like her best friend, but not like her husband. I know she loves me in my head, but it's not enough.

that_girl

My friend's baby is on life support right now so I'm overly emotional.

But I promise you that all of this DOES NOT MATTER. Just love your husband. If he needs you to use your body to love him, THEN USE IT.

Please. Just love.

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FormerNiceGuy

MarieJa -

Your lack of desire is symptomatic of deeper issues in your marriage. I would guess you both have work to do.

If you continue to try to please, this problem will fester and get worse as you build more and more resentments. You or he will eventually cheat or act out in some other way and your marriage will implode.

This is a wake up call to do a "self-improvement" project on your marriage or go get professional help.

Are you and your husband capable of playing thoughtfully and fairly with this loaded of a topic?

M. Scott Peck explains a concept called "bracketing" in "The Road Less Traveled" that has helped my marriage immensely (I recommend the book). Basically, one person puts their emotions/feelings in a "box" or "brackets them" while the other explains his/her position. The only goal for the listener is to empathize with the speaker. Then the other side gets to go and the listener does the same exercise. The listener must not interject and must not listen to defend, only to understand. Peck spends pages explaining this, so sorry if I am not clear. Hopefully you get a sense of the concept.

Sexuality is a sensitive topic, so you need to assess whether this is a topic you and hubby can handle maturely and thoughtfully. If you are concerned about anyone's reaction, I would get professional help.

Otherwise, figure out how to bracket and go deep. Brutal and complete honesty is the path to a great relationship. That means sometimes we say things that we later realize were inaccurate or even dysfunctional. Recognize and apologize and keep growing together.

Good luck.