Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?
It's like that Cheap Trick song for a man. I WANT you to want me. I NEED you to need me. I'd LOVE you to love me. I'm BEGGIN' you to beg me etc.
A man can have sex with any willing bit of warm flesh and be physically satisfied (for a while) but is that his ideal sex? Nope. A man will start off being o.k with his wife performing her wifely duties for his sake but it gets old eventually and he will start to feel empty and unfulfilled just getting his rocks off.
I think for most married men the ideal sex is with a loving wife who wants and needs them just as much as they do in return. It's not about him making use of your parts for his sole pleasure. He craves your touch and wants your acceptance. He wants to know that you crave his and that you find him sexy and irresistible too. Do you compliment him on his sexual prowess or tell him he looks good when he takes his clothes off? He wants and needs that.
You can ask why this is so but it just is! Men ask why we women need so much talking too and non-sexual affection...they don't always understand why we are the way we are but its just like that. Submit to each other and be happy because life is short. You want to be happy or right? You say he is a good lover, is always concered with pleasing you, and all he wants is you? You also wrote that outside the bedroom everything else is good too? Lady you need to have your head examined lol. I'd submit to that every day...multiple times. Don't cut your nose...what's out there for the most part is not as good as what you have at home. Don't chase him away.
Quote:
Originally Posted by marieJa
Posted via Mobile Device
Good points! Though, I would like to fully understand how sex is so important for men - I really can't see it.
I think that more communication & working towards a decent compromise will work. I guess I'm a bit afraid of his reaction, as I don't want to hurt him...[/QUOTE]
It is not that I have decided to not to want sex. I don't want it. I don't think about it, except that one to two times a month. It is not a choice. It is very annoying to pretend to want it, then actually want it, then do it, then clean the sheets - all with my own body that is mine, not his.
Just like there are different hair colors, there are different sex drives. Mine is low.
Other than my feelings about having to have sex, our relationship is amazing. We are very connected, we make each other laugh, we flirt, we do plenty of little gestures to make the other happy... The list goes on.
I haven't read all the posts so please forgive me if this one doesn't seem to flow into the conversation. The reason you want sex the week before your period is that your hormones are balanced that week that makes sex desirable. If you are using hormonal birth control change to a non-hormonal method and that might help. Hormonal birth control is a libido killer for some women.
The reason it feels awful to have sex without desire is because you feel powerless over your body. Trust me this is merely a mind game. You are developing resentments over it. You can turn this around. Start thinking of your body as a powerful tool to get what you want. It is powerful to be able to bring that much pleasure to another person. That is why you don't mind giving blowjobs. When you give a blowjob, you are fully clearminded and can see clearly the affect you are having. Start experimenting with that same power during intercourse. Watch his face. When he gets close to orgasm, slow him down by changing positions. Or speed him up by talking dirty to him. Soon you will see that you are the powerful one in this situation. I'm reminded of a line in My Big Fat Greek Weeding. The man is the head of the family but the woman is the neck. She can turn the head any way she likes. Use your body to reclaim your power. It is very validating to have a man who wants you both in and out of bed. It says you are a fun companion and a desirable woman. Start recognizing your power.
Also there are a couple of things you might do to boost your libido. Romance novels are notorious for providing sexual stimulation for women. And secondly look at the Good Sex video on Tantric Massage. It shows how to massage in such a way that you begin to realize the erotic nature of your power to please. The power to please can be quite addicting. It is one of the reasons your husband's drive is so high. The ability to bring that level of pleasure is a powerful feeling. You are cheating yourself by not enjoying the power regardless of whether you enjoy the sex. Many a seductress didn't enjoy sex, but they all enjoyed the power of being seductive. Reclaim your power and use it to create a solid connection with your husband. You will enjoy a marriage that is the envy of others. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?
P.S I advise against rationing the nookie. If you make him feel confident that you desire him as much as he does you he won't need it as much or get mad if you decline once and a while. He will see it as you being genuinely not in the mood for just that day instead of having his insecurities riled up because he is always the one who wants it more.
Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ayla
It's like that Cheap Trick song for a man. I WANT you to want me. I NEED you to need me. I'd LOVE you to love me. I'm BEGGIN' you to beg me etc.
A man can have sex with any willing bit of warm flesh and be physically satisfied (for a while) but is that his ideal sex? Nope. A man will start off being o.k with his wife performing her wifely duties for his sake but it gets old eventually and he will start to feel empty and unfulfilled just getting his rocks off.
I think for most married men the ideal sex is with a loving wife who wants and needs them just as much as they do in return. It's not about him making use of your parts for his sole pleasure. He craves your touch and wants your acceptance. He wants to know that you crave his and that you find him sexy and irresistible too. Do you compliment him on his sexual prowess or tell him he looks good when he takes his clothes off? He wants and needs that.
You can ask why this is so but it just is! Men ask why we women need so much talking too and non-sexual affection...they don't always understand why we are the way we are but its just like that. Submit to each other and be happy because life is short. You want to be happy or right? You say he is a good lover, is always concered with pleasing you, and all he wants is you? You also wrote that outside the bedroom everything else is good too? Lady you need to have your head examined lol. I'd submit to that every day...multiple times. Don't cut your nose...what's out there for the most part is not as good as what you have at home. Don't chase him away.
That is what I want from my wife. We agreed to have sex 3 times a week. on maybe 4...If I am lucky. Compared to 2 times a month it is great. I feel that my wife doesn't want me.
When I WANT SEX...it won't happen. So I just have to ready when she is ready. I was so ready last night. I did all the evening chores, gave her a neck massage early on, occasional kisses on the neck. Just a little limited with our daughter around. After our Daughter was asleep...She was TOOOOO tired. SEX wasn't even on her mind. I didn't ask for it, I wasn't beggin for sex, I kissed her a little more than normal..No response. So I left to the spare bedroom to read. I didn't get mad (I used to) I just said good night. She doesn't know how sad I am. Horny too, but mostly sad.
I feel for the OP's husband if he feels the way I do. I don't know how i've lasted 20 years with her.
Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?
First give the poor woman a break. She is only 25 and having sex 3-5X/wk and getting crap for saying she only feels like it 1X/mth.
She is sweet and nice with her husband and recognizes the issues.
What happens on TAM???? Everyone is all over her and telling her (yes I'm paraphrasing) to suck it up.
Obviously she has some issues she needs to talk to a Professional about. She loves sex, her husband is a caring lover and she has plenty of orgasms, so the issue is in her head.
Her husband also must be pressuring her and this does not help.
At her age if she can n ot overcome these issues, then I'd say divorce. There are LD men around who are okay 1-2/mth.
Unless this was a a bait & switch scenario that many man complain about on here, I feel terrible for her and am amazed at how cruel some here on TAM are. I think 20X/mth they are doing it vs. the 1X/mth she wants is frankly a huge chasm and I can not begin to imagine the resentment she must feel as to what she has sacrificed to "keep the peace".
No I did not read all the posts, but what I read was very negative and very biased. The poor girl needs guidance and frankly is very accommodating considering her want is so low.
Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?
Quote:
Originally Posted by marieJa
Posted via Mobile Device
Good points! Though, I would like to fully understand how sex is so important for men - I really can't see it.
I think that more communication & working towards a decent compromise will work. I guess I'm a bit afraid of his reaction, as I don't want to hurt him...
The following book is a good resource in trying to understand how sex is important for men:
For most men, sex is not just a physical need, but an emotional, relational, and even spiritual one. The following set of concise articles articulates this well, and while the following site is not necessarily my favorite cup o' tea it does a good job explaining ... and allowing you to skip the 'spiritual' aspect if that does not align with your personal beliefs.
It's really heartening to see you willing to start the communication process with your husband to work toward a compromise. It's the fact that we all have a tendency to hide our real feelings from our spouses, and then get mad and resentful of them when they don't do or say or feel the things that we want (when we probably didn't even communicate that to begin with!), that causes so many issues in relationships.
Being able to acknowledge an issue, understand our part in the issue, and being willing to try and resolve it is what it's all about. I'm really proud of you for being willing to take those steps ... and hoping that everything works out well for you and your husband.
Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?
What sex means to your husband.... Please read this through the eyes of a woman who is now in a "sexless marraige" ....her expressing what has been taken from her life, how it makes her feel deep within...the emotions involved. Through reading what has BEEN LOST, it should help you see what it MEANS deeply to our spouses.
I realize your marraige is not sexless, but it is DESIRE-LESS, passionless... .... I have to be honest, when I read your opening post, I started to cry for your husband....
I know how much DESIRE means to me personally.....I landed on this forum feeling my husband was loosing some of his desire (it was an overworking in my mind-thankfully with a surge in my sex drive)....but feeling that... questioning that.... Oh my God, it was sending me off the deep end, I had this sinking feeling, a void, it could have sent me into a depression even -if it was true. It means THAT Much to some. It would have killed me, might as well put a fork in me to think my husband was just "pleasing me " to make me happy -and he got nothing out of it. I could not have lived with that. It would have repulsed me.
Every man CRAVES to be desired by his wife.... this is something your husband is living without...make no mistake....this HURTS to the very core......You get to feel his desire every day, this does nothing for you....For your spirit....would you really be relieved if this was taken away?
My husband was so very very sensitive to my desire in the past, he would not even try to get me in the mood unless he had some sign I "wanted him". It would kill him if I had none, he would be a hollow man...it would shut him down emotionally....it means THAT MUCH. Funny....I am just as sensitive ! But didn't realize it until my sex drive went through the roof ! (one of those women in their 40's you mentioned, that's me!)... but unlike yourself (in my past)....I needed it once a week BADLY or I would chase him down!
It seems the biggest disconnect in the sexs is the Severity a the SEX DRIVE...I am thoroughly convinced women do NOT get it, and it is so hard to explain to someone who has NOT FELT THIS WAY deep within the loins and in the heart at the same time -making that glorious connection......... to appeal to them how a man feels...in the emotional.
I felt such an intense craving for my husband in this way... I would have cried myself to sleep or near went into hysterics if I felt he didn't want me back. I am a woman...freaking emotional at times... but never feel that men are not emotional in this way... .it is truly a life giving experience to feel this from your lover in the throws of passion. Nothing more beautiful in this life.
It fills them up completely and utterly to want them intimately, that you NEED & crave their touch, they want so bad to please us, nothing in this world can compare...this has the power to set them on the highest mountain top. It is all so very romantic and ONE-ish. ....What all love stories are ultimately written about... is passion...not to mention the most moving of love songs ever sung.
Listen to the words of this song, this is how your husband feels :
Please forgive me, I know not what I do
Please forgive me, I can't stop loving you
Don't deny me, this pain I'm going through
Please forgive me, if I need you like I do
Please believe me, every word I say is true
Please forgive me, I can't stop loving you
The one thing I'm sure of
Is the way we make love
The one thing I depend on
Is for us to stay strong
With every word and every breath I'm praying
That's why I'm saying
Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?
No offense, but havesomethingtosay I disagree.
I think you are being too quick to throw in the towel and jump to divorce. This couple is not beyond repair. It's going to be tough to get through, but it can be very rewarding to do so (even if the "odds" aren't high).
Also it's not like folks walk around with their sex drives printed on their foreheads. Most guys don't date gals and say to them: "hey babe I'm a really cool guy who loves long walks on the beach, poetry, and likes to have sex about 10 times a year". Heck if asked most guys, even if they are LD won't admit it especially when dating.
Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Havesomethingtosay
First give the poor woman a break. She is only 25 and having sex 3-5X/wk and getting crap for saying she only feels like it 1X/mth.
She is sweet and nice with her husband and recognizes the issues.
What happens on TAM???? Everyone is all over her and telling her (yes I'm paraphrasing) to suck it up.
Obviously she has some issues she needs to talk to a Professional about. She loves sex, her husband is a caring lover and she has plenty of orgasms, so the issue is in her head.
Her husband also must be pressuring her and this does not help.
At her age if she can n ot overcome these issues, then I'd say divorce. There are LD men around who are okay 1-2/mth.
Unless this was a a bait & switch scenario that many man complain about on here, I feel terrible for her and am amazed at how cruel some here on TAM are. I think 20X/mth they are doing it vs. the 1X/mth she wants is frankly a huge chasm and I can not begin to imagine the resentment she must feel as to what she has sacrificed to "keep the peace".
No I did not read all the posts, but what I read was very negative and very biased. The poor girl needs guidance and frankly is very accommodating considering her want is so low.
I can kinda agree with you... my wife has changed a lot this past year. From 2X a month to 3X a week. I think the point people here are trying to make is that the OP should not have to feel the sex is a chore and then compared it to house work... OUCH!
I think that my wife may feel the same way as the OP. My wife is very accomodating now. I hope she is not building resentments regarding sex as I do for the 18 years that I went without.
Even though she orgasms and seems to enjoy it. I feel she only has sex to 'Keep the peace" Either way, it is doesn't make for a healthy marriage. If my wife and I started to have sex EVERYDAY and I knew she thought of it as a chore, I would feel SOOO bad, As I do now knowing she has no real desire. What I do know is it is not me. She was the 25 years old virgin and I was the nice guy that gave her plenty of time to be ready for sex.
Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Browncoat
No offense, but havesomethingtosay I disagree.
I think you are being too quick to throw in the towel and jump to divorce. This couple is not beyond repair. It's going to be tough to get through, but it can be very rewarding to do so (even if the "odds" aren't high).
Also it's not like folks walk around with their sex drives printed on their foreheads. Most guys don't date gals and say to them: "hey babe I'm a really cool guy who loves long walks on the beach, poetry, and likes to have sex about 10 times a year". Heck if asked most guys, even if they are LD won't admit it especially when dating.
I did not say divorce in a cavalier fashion. I said get professional help. To want sex, which she has stated is pleasurable & fun, only X/mth, yet HAVING it 3-5X/wk because her husband wants it can do nothing but build resentment.
I tioo find it sad that something she like and enjoys is a chore in her eyes and she feels violated.
What I am amazed at is how people on TAM are down on her.
Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Already Gone
She was the 25 years old virgin and I was the nice guy that gave her plenty of time to be ready for sex.
Already Gone...I was the repressed virgin who felt GUILTY about enjoying physical pleasure (masturbation is the only thing I would have outright lied about & turned as red as a lobster if someone asked me ....I felt so dirty enjoying that)...and my husband was the NICE guy, never pushing, wasn't much of a flirter..... what a bad combination.
I really feel if he would have been more sexually aggressive with me in the past, a little more creative... I would have loved the crap out of that & it would have stripped me of my pathetic inhibitions that lasted for 19 long yrs of our marraige, I used to even be embarrassed of him seeing me naked -even after having 6 kids. God, who was that woman!!@#$%^
I always LOVED SEX ... but in between our sessions, he didn't think so. Our story is rediculous...truly. I feel we missed so very much that could have been.
Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Havesomethingtosay
I did not say divorce in a cavalier fashion. I said get professional help. To want sex, which she has stated is pleasurable & fun, only X/mth, yet HAVING it 3-5X/wk because her husband wants it can do nothing but build resentment.
I tioo find it sad that something she like and enjoys is a chore in her eyes and she feels violated.
What I am amazed at is how people on TAM are down on her.
Well I'm down on her as you say because the amount of sex they are having now is compromise. What she's aiming for is sex at a level she wants, and she wants alone. Leaving her husband left wanting, and in the end it *will* hurt or even destroy the marriage.
Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Browncoat
Yeah I had my wife read what you posted SA. Just felt like it might express how I feel in a way that my wife might better understand.
That is wondeful that your wife knows you are here & you both can read this stuff together IT does require a revelation to -understand how another feels deeply -when we just don't feel it "hormonally" in the same way. Damn, I wish I knew THEN what I know NOW........he should have starved my a** and put a chastity belt on me so I couldn't masterbate... then I would have gotten it ! Ha ha
Your wife needs to sign up here !
My husband did a few days ago on a whim... I was so tickled, he told me if I helped him with his profile... He is not much of a writer, but he knows I love this place and well, him doing a few posts here & there, kinda excting for me !
333Likes
Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often? 
lol. I'd submit to that every day...multiple times. 
Don't cut your nose...what's out there for the most part is not as good as what you have at home. Don't chase him away. 
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