Browncoat

When my wife has sex with me most of the time her heart isn't in it. I still appreciate it a TON more than if she doesn't bother at all. Yes I want her to desire me, yes I want to feel that she loves me that way as a husband and not just as a friend.

On the flip side if she doesn't even bother to even TRY and love me at all in the way I want. Then I feel completely abandoned, completely utterly unwanted. She can't even bother to try to meet with me half way, then I feel rejected and slapped in the face every day. Every day when the desire for sex comes up it becomes another reminder: "Oh yeah my wife doesn't want me at ALL". So everyday like a drum beat I feel that rejection, passive though it may be, beating into me that I'm not worthy of even attempted love. He may not say it, but I guarantee you that he's feeling it.

SimplyAmorous

It sounds to me like you were getting very enthuastic about sex during this time frame? wouldn't this have enhanced your marriage ? Why did you want to stop this??? You said it was annoying... so you don't enjoy orgasms? DId your husband know you were almost addicted to them and found them annoying ?

It is so much more than that, if that is all you are seeing, you have missed MY point entirely.

ANyone who is higher drive finds is a blessing if they are matched with someone the same. When they are not, they suffer...and often resentment grows, it did with my own husband..... there is no way around these facts. THis is why being sexually compatible is so vital in a marraige... it may be less than 10% of a marriage, but when it is lacking, it feels like 90% to the one who craves more or craves genuine desire in thier spouse.

I have seen the threads where the men have asked how to lower his sex drive, even suggesting castration to stay with his wife- because he loves her so much.....how utterly sad those threads were. Here is one: Sexless Marriage: Is Castration the answer?


I was like this too, I felt like I was walking on air, not a pain in my body and I needed hardly any sleep, I would lay there all night dreaming of jumping on my husband again. It was unrelentless. And I had no way to stop it -cause it came on me naturally. My temperature was even higher, he kept telling me I was hot all the time, didn't need a touch of forplay.

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Beowulf

Marie,

There are different levels of sex. Sometimes sex if the mind blowing OMG variety but there is also maintenance sex. Someone else used the analogy of food. Sometimes you want a 7 course dinner with all the fixings and you eat till you're full. Other times all you can have is a cheese sandwich. But its all good and it all serves a purpose. Morrigan doesn't always feel the overwhelming desire for sex until we are actually in the act of lovemaking and she doesn't always experience an orgasm but she ALWAYS feels the bonding and closeness of sex with me and that is what counts in a relationship. Maybe you are expecting the sex with the fireworks all the time and are disappointed when its less than that.

Havesomethingtosay

First I have said the OP needs to see a professional about this issue.

Am I contrarian???? I hardly think so. But to state the findings as fact and a simple solution to the millions of couples who suffer in sexless (or mismatched libido) relationships I find preposterous.

If this was in case the answer it would be Front-Page Headlines and marketed & sold at 10X's the rate Viagra & Cialis is, as it affects more people then ED does....

Trust me I wish it was FACT.......

Beowulf

**snicker**

Trickster

Fake it?... As of now, I believe my wife fakes it. I don't believe she loves me... Not really like I want. There is little emotional connection. I hope that with enough sex, her desire for me will come. For 18 years She had it her way with the 2 times a month. I did all the husband stuff. That never got me the desire I wanted.

No you shouldn't have to fake it. I don't want my wife to fake it. There are a couple of women I know that makes me feel desired just by the way they look at me. I wish I had that from my wife.

If we split, it would not take me long to find a woman that will desire me and not fake it! I wish my wife would let me go. I wish I could "outsource" as another poster put it for the desire I need

marieJa

So, according to most of you, I could (and I should) want more sex by "changing my mind" about it? How? By actively reading erotic books so that my body would want it?

I do love my husband very much... Although it would be nice if he didn't want me so often.

I have no bad sexual experiences in my past; also, my parents were normal. I have had sex with four partners in total, and the reason for doing it was always because they wanted it (not that anyone has ever pushed me). I don't use hormonal contraception.

Yes, I can enjoy sex and have orgasms. But I can also walk a long way to my favourite café and order some specific ice cream, and enjoy it. Would I do it in the middle of a stressful day? Would I even do it in the middle of a peaceful, comfy day that I planned to stay at home? Nope.

Would I do it so that my husband remains happy? Yes I have, but it bothers me more and more.

When I have sex with my husband, this is what happens:

He is in the mood. He comes to me, kisses me etc. I think: "He needs sex now. I don't. Great. Well, I will just do it for him."

Then we have sex, often for a really long time. He needs to get me an orgasm. And what do I have to do to reach one when I haven't been in the mood initially? I have to think of a fantasy and really make myself cum with the help of the mental images. Is that enjoyable? No. It feels forced.

It is not about my husband's lover skills - he's great. And when I'm initially in the mood, I cum really fast.

So actually, when he have sex, his connection to me gets deeper, whereas my connection to him becomes weaker, as I resent it.

Havesomethingtosay

Again I say see a professional. Do you have an EAP (Employee Assistance Plan) through work? Most don't even know they do.

It will help much more then being piled on here for not wanting sex 5X/wk.

I do think the 1X/mth is not good, but you feeling pressured and not understanding your sexuality and needs in addition to long sessions where he wants you to have your 5th orgasm of the week too is destructive.

Trickster

Yes...Marie.... That is just what my wife told me before. I wish I knew how to help her feel better. I feel the more I want it the connection is less. She even told me that. If I wait until she wants it, She cums within a few minutes. If she is not in the mood....Well, It takes a real long time of oral before she cums...If she does. I understand the difference. I really under stand where you are coming from. It helps me understand my wife a little more so THANKS! I really mean that.

Sooooo. what is the solution to not feel so resentful. I don't believe there is a happy medium.

marieJa

I know exactly how your wife feels. Actually, I once told the same to my husband. I know deep down I want him, well, sometimes, and I want to "originally" want him and THEN have sex. But when I suggested that, he couldn't wait and I gave in.

It would be nice to have the time and peace to notice what a great man he really is - without the pressure of sex around me all the time. Then I would want him, I know that. You see? If he waited for me and we would then have sex, I would ALSO feel the greatness of it, having initially wanted him!

Hmm... I am sure this viewpoint is really difficult to understand if you have never felt this way...

SimplyAmorous

Does your husband FEEL this... how does it affect him.... have you had fights about this ? Arguments? Some men care so much for their partners pleasure (my husband is like this), the act will almost be hollow for them without her getting "hers".

I does seem he will need to let that go with you.. at the very least...The added time he is spending to get you there is causing you more built up resentment, it is a killer of sexual desire.

You NEED to sit him down and talk about this.... It is somethng he needs to overcome... just allowing himself to "get his" without the expectations of you getting yours...cutting the time spent down & putting you under this "pressure" is only hurting matters.

I know my husband would have a hell of time with that, but not all men are the same. He would put himself down before he would even engage ...once I offered him to take me another way (we had sex the night before) & I just KNEW I could not "get mine again"... and he started to tear up, thinking I was slowing down. Blew me away!! I was so very touched by that. He didn't want it -if I couldn't. That was the bottom line for him.

BUt I think he is a rare rare exception, most men are going to still want sex -so long as the attitude of the wife is loving and giving. Do you feel if you gave to him just for his pleasure alone... this could help you & he in this area ???

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lovesherman

I am glad that you have a thread, MarieJa. It is instructive to see how low desire spouses feel about sex.

If your husband is waiting for you to have an orgasm and you know that it ain't happening, signal to him that it is his turn.

I am a bit puzzled that you tried to increase your sexual desire for a week, and you just felt sex crazed. Did you honestly try to become aroused?

I think the best you can hope for is compromise with the frequency. All we are trying to get you to see is that sex is not just a physical act for your husband; it is how he feels loved by you.

One more thought: are you sufficiently lubricated when you make love? It is irritating to your lady parts if not.

FrenchFry

I don't know if there is a solution besides changing your mindset, and I know all the yelling about "just do it," isn't helpful in that regard.

I appreciate your posts marie, I appreciate the candor. My drive is higher than yours, my husbands is higher than mine and I absolutely know the dreadful feeling of "caving in" to sex you aren't really in the mood for, regardless of how good it potentially is. I think this happens way more than a lot of people are admitting right here. I think for the LD person, it truely is an invasion of the body. I really wish I could remember who said this (if it was you, speak up please!) that said sex is like cake, if you are full it will taste good, but won't satisfy you and can make you nauseated after eating.

The biggest thing I think is try not to resent his pleasure, but to find a way to relish in it. Would it be less resent-making if you allowed him to have an orgasm without the pressure of you having one too? Are you able to be present during sex that is pleasurable, be enthused but not need to work towards orgasm? If you are, does your husband know this or acknowledge this?

I know it's hard to change your drive or your body, it might be a little bit easier to change your mindset to just be more giving. When there are times I'm not really into it for whatever reason, but my husband is, instead of being resentful that he wants to have sex 'yet again,' i take a more spiritual, relaxed approach. He just wants to share spirits for a minute. That's all, and who am I to not want to share my spirit with the one I'm commited to for life? I don't know if there is a way you can look at sex as not an invasion, but as a sharing of something that is just between you two.

I'm sorry if this is a little vague or new age-ish, but this is how I resolve my inner desire for total autonomy with my other desire to make my husband happy because without this mindset, I'd absolutely (and have in the past) feel the exact same way as you do.

Enchantment

Hi marieJa ~

When you say the "pressure of sex", what do you mean? How is sex even initiated? Is the pressure from you, or from him?

For me, it usually takes my husband some amount of time everyday to interact with me - flirting or talking or hugging or being affectionate non-sexually - in order for me to feel close to him. It's like 'priming the pump' (he even calls it that). Someone who is more responsive desire, like most women are and like I most definitely am, may require this kind of interaction before they can move to the next step easily, because they simply do not have the make-up (either physical or emotional) to have spontaneous desire.

I think that you and your husband are two ships passing in the night - missing each other ... maybe neither one understanding what the other really needs.

I hope you will work toward being more open and honest with him about what it is that you need, and that you will be open and respectful with him when he tells you what he needs.

Best wishes.

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SimplyAmorous

I KNOW exactly how what you are wanting here - and I DID experience that ... that "GREATNESS"... because (unlike your husband)....mine didn't break down and have sex with me every time he wanted it, so when we did.. ONCE A WEEK for near 19 years (sometimes more )... It was HOT, Passionate, I was swimming in his kisses, on fire down below , I was craving it terribly...it never lasted more than a minute once I got ontop of him.

But here is the very big BUT ... HE grew resentment towards ME ....cause he wanted it so much more.... it was then.....him putting himself down ... I did a thread on this issue... My husband HID his resentment from me for YEARS .... I cry just thinking about it... THat was no answer either, believe me. Honest heartfelt communication and Loving compromise where you both feel your needs are being met ....is the only answer.

RESENTMENT- Sexual /Emotional etc - how it robs us of the intimacy we crave the most

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