MEM11363

Brown,
Its good you have found an accommodation. The first and most important compromise they need to find is a way to have sex where she doesn't feel bad. Without that, she will not be able to sustain a high enough level of frequency for him - without getting increasingly agitated.

Marie,
A sex therapist really might help with this. The only reason we didn't need one was my wife was good at relaxing and letting me get her warmed up and I was mo than happy to lern how to do what she needed for it to feel good for her. Even so, we have had friction over this.




QUOTE=Browncoat;680258]Sounds a lot like my wife and I. We have 3 days a week when sex is completely off the table (just hugging, kissing and caressing). I also make a point not to ask all of the remaining days, so there's some feeling of spontaneity and that way too we have sex when the moment is right. Doing this we generally keep sex to about 2 (sometimes 3) days a week which seems to be a good compromise for us.

My wife, like you would prefer sex once every 1-3 months. I'm more like your husband in that every day would be great for me.

Obviously pick your own scheme that works for you two, but you may want to try something like this. Additionally if he can give you more of a heads up that he wants to make love to you later that night it might help you be ready to enjoy sex more.[/QUOTE]
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Trickster

My wife is not affectionate, even after 20 years. She isn't a touchy feely woman. She never even gives me a hug when I get home from work. our dog is the first to greet me at the door. It took her 15 years before she would even give me a bj. She tried for a few seconds before that but I knew she didn't like that either. Although she is getting better at it and I try to give her tip without making her feel bad, she still stops after 2 minutes.

She guides me when I go down on her so it feel better for her. I do my best to keep going until she climaxes. The it's my turn. Sometime I know she will not orgasm during oral and thats ok.

I don't think she would ever just want to give me a bj. That has never happened.

Like marie, I know my wife is trying her best. I like Marie's post. I am trying myself to understand how my wife may feel through Marie.

Inside_Looking_Out

As stated many times over, you are ignoring a main point and if you actually care about your husband, you will think about this very hard. There are a great many things that he probably does for you that are not natural to him, that feel like an incredible sacrifice personally. Things that he actually has to 'gear' himself up for, the same way that you could gear yourself up to have sex.

My husband works overseas. He is home one month, and then gone one month. The month that he is home, it is a sex marathon. Do I always feel like it? Nope, not really. Do I know that it's important to him? You bet! So, I am proactive in my keeping my attention levels for him high for a straight month. Read trashy novels, watch risque movies, write some sexy letters to him describing what you would like him to do to you. And if you feel as though you can't stand the idea of writing him an explicit letter, then tell him that you want to actively work on your sex life, and ask him to write something seductive to you! Ask him to go lingerie shopping with you, whether at a store or online.

These are all things I actively do, to keep myself in the right mindset, to keep sex on the brain while he is home. You can call it what you like, 'tricking yourself into wanting it more', stoking the flames, etc...but what I call it is 'actively dating your spouse'. The biggest plus is, I actually do want to have sex with him if I am proactive with keeping it on the brain. The more I think about it all day long, the more fun I have that night (or morning or afternoon!) Marriage is work, relations are work, none of it comes magically or even naturally sometimes!

If you are not even willing to try, and to keep up with it, for the rest of your marriage. If you are not willing to actually work at it...then you just shouldn't be married to someone like your husband. Which is sad, because it's obvious you do love him, because you have made him sound like a wonderful one.

Posse

OK. I have read this thread.

I am going to speak frankly as a MD (middle drive) husband married to a LD/ND wife.

I get that you don't like sex much at all. You feel violated when you have it when you don't really don't want to. I strongly suspect you are looking for validation to cut your husband off to once a month. My advice is offered in that vein.

I understand, I honestly feel sympathy for you. I think your situation sucks. I think your husband's situation sucks more.

You might not think I am empathetic after you read what I post below, but I can sympathize with your predicament. I want to show you one example of how it plays out if you do it the way I suspect you want it to.

You should understand that you are 99.9% going to eventually head to divorce court if you try to only have it once a month wth a husband with any kind of drive.

Some individual counseling is much cheaper than divorce.

My .02.

marieJa

It's nice to hear different opinions.

I know these people who will just always say that sex comes as a priority to a man, as he is the one with the paycheck (or something similar). Luckily, my husband is not so simple. He has told me he could go his whole life without having sex with me (if I so wanted for any reason) - in his own words, the life without me terrifies him, whereas the life without sex doesn't. He always craved my mind too, and I'm his best friend and support in every possible way. He belongs to the group of men who will tear up if it ever seems to him that I am going to have sex with him without me being totally in the mood. Well, how can I resist a sweet man like that? I can't, but to have sex when not in the mood AT ALL is so very difficult for me. And yes, I'm that good of an actress.

That's why I like the idea of blowjobs. I don't have to stress out and force myself to be in the mood, but I could just please him. I understand the idea of working for the marriage (as that is what I have been doing) - but my question on this whole thread is, HOW TO DO IT WITHOUT RESENTMENT. It will not do any good for our marriage if we go on having sex and I feel worse and worse.

I can't just change my mind and body all of a sudden, as kindly suggested here, no matter how much I wanted to.

Actually, to be very honest, now that I'm seeing in this forum how different (and sorry to say, but I think quite heartless) men there are in the world, I'm starting to appreciate my husband so much more. After all, I have myself accepted to have sex with him so often (without talking to him enough about my feelings) - he has NEVER pushed me in any way. So I have nothing to complain about him, really. What I am sad about is our different needs. I don't want ANY of us to develop resentment and end up miserable or even divorcing.

Posse

Yeah, I said that too, especially in the beginning and then less emphatically as 15 years passed. Because I wanted to have sex, and I thought not being honest with my feelings to my wife would get me what I wanted. During the 15 years I learned more and more what my friends were getting from their marriages, and I wasn't, however. I finally started speaking up.

I am far from heartless. If I were heartless I would have been gone a long time ago. Because of my heart, I keep hoping my wife will come around.

For another 4 years....

I am telling you honestly how I think in hopes that it will be of value to you in sorting out how you want your life to unfold. It would be easier to lie to you, but maybe you can benefit from the truth.

Catherine602

Marie

In addition to the negative post, there were many really supportive positive posts with good suggestions, I think.

Also post from sweet men like your husband where they express their feelings. I do think that you should not hesitate to talk with him.

I too appreciate my husband more now that ever. Reading posts from self-centered, rigid, and entitled women and men has been an eye opener. My husband could have been like one of them.

I have also been greatly effected by posts from good men expressing their confusion about their wives refusing them. That is one of the reasons that I think it is important for you to do what you can to banish resentment. He is a good man and you are both well worth the effort that it will take to have a happy marriage.

__________________
"Hey some guys need a book to find the G-spot. It was intuitive for me. Some take the road less travelled." Enthropy 3000

SimplyAmorous

MarieJa... listen to me, you ARE married to a hell of a good man... I know because MY husband is EXACTLY the way you described yours here...he has told me also he would never leave me, he loves me too much... even if I cut off the sex.... I told him I was not THAT loving (it was just a question -that is not going to ever happen)....he also is the type of man that tears up over how strongly he feels about US, men this vulnerable with their wives is NOT something you find every day in this life. What a deep treasure you have.

Personally I love sensitive men... like this, I wouldn't want any other type, I am spoiled..

But on the flip side...beings he sounds just like mine, these type of men's sole pleasure IS in pleasing their wives... I am not sure you comprehend what this may DO to him knowing you wish his desire would slowly fade for you.

If I ever felt that way and expressed this even in the smallest way to my husband...he would be destroyed inside, I am not even sure he'd be able to overcome it. It would suck the life out of him, it is just the way he is. I know him very very very well. Yours can't even stay away. Like I say, mine tried....but it took a heavy toll on him. A couple yrs ago, we busted all of that open, he told me he wanted me to suffer the way he was inside. He felt less loved... all of this over "making love", he wanted so much more from me.

I don't know....this is an awful dilemma to have. If he was not such a sensitive man who lives to please you, I think this would be easier somehow to open those floodgates of communication.



From this, I get the idea....he has NO IDEA?

Tell me, you know him best...what do you feel this will do to him???

This place will do that, I came here whining I wanted my husband to have MORE DESIRE, MORE LUST... and be more AGGRESSIVE with me, I was the one RAGING for sex (and I am not exactly the patient type).... after I started reading about some of these other men, specifically the more Alpha types.......I realized......damn...what I have is PERFECT for who I am , a more aggressive female. It helped me apprecaite him more than anything I ever imagined !

I am very happy you are seeing what you have at home, even this can arouse a new inspiration to please the man who has given you his all in this life.

Sometimes we need overwhelmed like that.

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"Love Good Blog"

Posse

SimplyAmorous

Even Sex Therapists will tell you .....our biggest sex organ is our Brains....I so believe this... so long as we have adequate hormones running through our bodies.'

Renewing a mindset can change the whole course of our lives.

I have always been able to arouse my brain -if I really truly cared too..and set my mind to it. It is an act of the will....an attitude.

For example: Something I hate to do... play board games with my kids... It seems as soon as I sit down, I start yawning, eventually I am entertaining throwing myself on the floor & I saying "I can't take it anymore!! "... and yes I have done this, It is awful.... I have a sucky attitude ... but I don't have to act like that... I can arouse my brain, train it ahead of time to give myeslf happy feedback....

...... "I am so blessed to have these beautiful children, they will only be young once, this is my season with my children , do not neglect it nor take it for granted... it means so much to THEM that I sit here & enjoy this time with them, laugh with them, roll that darn dice & buy monopoly houses!"...I have to put myself aside, take in the whole picture, give myself some SELF TALK even... all this just to play freaking board games. But seeing their happy smiling faces, laughing with me... how can I not!

It is an attitude, one of gratitude they are in my life, that my children WANT to play with me... someday they won't !! When I hear "Cats in the Cradle" on the radio, I know how precious this time is! Sometimes I need reminding.

We need to arouse our brains....do whatever we have to do , whatever works to appreciate what is in front of us.

A husband's desire.... I see it as such a GIFT.

__________________
"Love Good Blog"

Posse

Any references to sex I have made here, Please think of it as of it as physical affection first and then sex as a close second.

larry.gray

Try it once a month and you will find that your husband is much more like the posters on this forum than you think. Right now he is the husband you want so much because he isn't longing for you. Take it away, and he will change drastically.

marieJa

You see, it is not that simple. So your advice is that I remain resentful, not him? How is that any better? He's happy, I'm not?

What can I do if you (mostly, men) do not understand that I feel bad when I have to have sex?

Posse

I think the men very clearly understand that you don't like having sex. I understand, believe me. I live with a usually pleasant but constantly platonic roommate. You are at least physically affectionate with your husband very frequently, even if you don't like it. I would kill for that from my wife.

Very bluntly put, what I am saying (I can't speak for others here) and what you are refusing to accept, is that if you want to have a satisfying relationship with your husband long-term and not have him eventually thinking about the expensive platonic roommate he is supporting while he is running through Spousal Support and Child Support calculations from memory every day...

You need to find a way to get over it.


I sincerely wish I had the answer for you in how to do that. If I did, believe me, I would have my wife at the front of the line. My best guess is IC and perhaps a sex therapist would help. I can only tell you that there is no way a man with any drive at all is going to be satisfied with once a month sex. He might put up with it for a while, but he is going to suspect that it is going to get worse in time. Where does that leave him? Eventually he is going to want O-U-T.

I can't begin to tell you the sinking feeling I had when things trickled off to nothing. It was like living a horror movie.

Based on what you have stated in this thread, if you want to keep your current husband, your once a month thoughts are totally implausible..

No offense intended, Ma'am. It is what it is, whether you like it or not. Sometimes the truth is painful, but it is still the truth...

Complexity

Your husband will cheat on you. Keep up with limp fish act until some bombshell starts stroking his ego and makes him feel desirable. Life without you would seem very attractive then.