Havesomethingtosay

Not everyone you are right..... But very few felt for her and some were downright nasty to her. PBear, I think going from 1X/mth to 10X's/mth, which is your compromise, is a huge move if you look at it as asking her to do something 90% of the time that she does not want to.

What she needs is to reiterate is to see a professional to understand why she feels this. Heck can you imagine doing something you absolutely don't want to 90% of the time????

Do I think she has an unhealthy view of sex???? Absolutely, but the advise given I think has been often nasty. She too has said that reading this makes her dislike males more and more (considering many who have posted are women). That too is unhealthy...

PBear

If I disliked my job 90% of the time, I wouldn't be asking them if I could just come in to work the one day or two I felt like it. I would understand and expect that I either meet my commitment, or I find another job. Or find a way to be happy/ok with the current one.

If they were both once a month sex drive people, nobody would be suggesting she do anything to "fix" her sex drive. But they're not. So the solution is a compromise, not one person deciding that their way is the right way. If a compromise isn't achievable, then the best solution is likely to part ways. The resulting friction if they don't find a suitable compromise will simply cause too many resentments and frustrations.

C
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hookares

havesomethingtosay, What kind of response should she expect, assuming she bothered to read a few of the other threads offered by people who have been deprived of "any" amount of normal physical contact by their spouses? Add to them, those that who have found their spouses cheating on them and it should be obvious what retorts could be expected.

Mavash.

This is so good I had to quote it.

YES this is what everyone here is trying to say. We aren't trying to be mean it is what it is. Her husband wants sex (that's part of the commitment of marriage). She hates it. She either needs to learn to like it or let him go.

I don't care if she ever has sex again I'm more concerned about her husband.

Havesomethingtosay

Incredible, you have likes too comparing marriage and sex to a job..... I can't begin to debate as to how silly that is. If you don't like the job, talk to your boss and eliminate the 90% you don't like and ave 90% more free time and 10% of your salary.

Asking the OP to compromise 90% of the time (1X vs 10X's /mth s hardly a compromise. There is a chasm. She needs for the 100th time professional help to understand why she feels as she does. If she can't overcome it or get comfortable with more sex (which she does enjoy), then yes divorce. What I hate reading is she is living with such an issue.

Enchantment

Not meaning to pick on you Mavash, but this last bit bothers me.

We should be concerned about the welfare of BOTH of these people, not just the husband.

This wife has thoughts, feelings, desires, and needs every bit as much as her husband does. And those things needs to be addressed the best way that they can to the benefit of BOTH of them.

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Enter these enchanted woods, You who dare. ~ George Meredith

MominMayberry

She expected to come to a marriage sight that could offer her advise not call her names. Isnt that what this place is? I came here to learn about things and I dont expect name calling. My friend told me about this place. She is hear because she wants help. Saying "what should she expect" because others are angry and bitter is crazy. Get rid of the angry and bitter so those who arent can help her. If you cannot say any thing nice to help her dont post to her post.

larry.gray

I didn't address your whole issue. I just addressed the one point you've made that your husband isn't like "us". Take away his sexual satisfaction and very likely will be.

I don't think there is anything close to a simple solution for you. You've got some very hard choices to make.

You could go for the once a month. I guarantee eventually your husband will change. Either he's going to leave you or he'll be miserable and no longer be the husband you love now.

You could compromise in the middle. But the fact remains that unless you drop back to once a month to when you want it, you're going to be resentful. Maybe a tiny bit less, you're still going to feel the very same way. Deep down feeling that way 3-5 times a month instead of 15 isn't going to make you feel less resentful. You're still doing it when you don't want to. The one thing this will do is make your husband more likely to stick around instead of dump you. But he will be miserable. It will take long for him to get that way, but trust me he'll get there. Why do I say that... that's what I lived for about 7 years. Thank goodness we've both made changes and I no longer live that life.

You could figure out while it makes you feel resentful to have sex when you weren't in the mood to start with. I don't understand this point of view. I have been on the other side of the HD/LD balance and I never felt that way. I could be absolutely not in the mood and got there for her. I felt 180 around from you afterwards. I felt happy, connected and loved when done. Perhaps it is a male/female issue?

Others have made the suggestion to "free your man" and let him go knowing that the choice is either for you to be miserable or for him to be miserable and you don't want that.

Bluemoon1

Not read every post in this thread (although I bet there are some good ones)

It really sounds like the OP's husband is suffering from Nice Guy Syndrome, and she is losing all respect and real desire for him because of it. From what I can make out it's hard for women to actually work out, mainly because it's a biological function, but there it is, it's not uncommon and can be fixed

Havesomethingtosay

What!!!!!!!!!!! He is getting sex 20X's/mth, she wants it 1X/mth and he doesn't know how terrible she feels about it all..... And he is suffering Nice Guy Syndrome???????

Wow..... A lot of people here I swear have reading problems (yes that was nasty and uncalled for, I know!!!!!

Conrad

Enchantment,

At least marieJa knows the score.

Her poor sap of a husband has no idea.

I guarantee you he thinks he's shooting the lights out with her in bed and has never felt better.

If he knew the truth? It would be like someone swinging a 2x4 and hitting him in the head.

__________________
"Forgive or Re-Live"

-AFEH

Deejo

I read the entire thread. Wow.

Bit of a withering barrage.

Simple question.

Why don't you just make it clear to him that you would only prefer to have sex in that week before your period ... and that's it?

Basically ... why don't you just tell him the truth?

Especially given that it appears he will accept that truth.

__________________
"I figured out they were serious eventually but was thinking it was ridiculous. I wanted to kick them in the balls." - Trenton

Bluemoon1

Water off a ducks back, your only letters on the screen, however it has nothing to do with the quantity of sex but rather the quality, and the simple fact that regardless of the fact that they do it 20 times a month she does not want to do it more than once a month

Mavash.

I love your posts. I know you are LD but you grasp the importance of sex in a marriage. This woman does not. Not even close. And she isn't listening to anyone here. She still stands firm to her notion that HE should just want it less. So do I feel more sorry for him? Yes.

If she said once a week I'd have a different answer but once a MONTH. Seriously? That's sexless no matter how you sugarcoat it.

Conrad

You think if she would have told him that he'd have married her?

__________________
"Forgive or Re-Live"

-AFEH