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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Sex in Marriage » I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?

Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 04-15-2012, 12:35 PM   #256 (permalink)
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Default Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?

I must say I have gotten some good ideas from all the response.

I have decided to bring this whole issue up with my husband (he is on a long travel now, but when he gets back). I will try to be delicate, though, as all this time I've not told him how I really feel because I'm afraid of hurting him.

I'm sure my great husband will understand me and we will reach a compromise. I am crazy about him... I know what sex means to him, and I want to make him happy by all means. But I know he can't be happy if I'm not happy, and if having sex too often makes me unhappy, he will not do that. And no I don't expect to have sex only once a month - I said COMPROMISE! Come on, we love each other!

I very well understand the point of view of many that it is surely ME who has to go to the therapy (I don't mean that my H should go, he's normal. I am too, even though I want less sex than SOME people). Should I see a professional? Hmm... If we really can't reach a compromise ourselves.

Listen, I don't think my drive is SO abnormal. Isn't it obvious that many people on this very thread have wives with similar drives? Accept it or not, but this happens.
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Old 04-15-2012, 12:41 PM   #257 (permalink)
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Default Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?

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She is doing it 20Xs/mth with him!!!!! Did you miss that????? Sheesh
Actually, she says "3-5 times a week", plus there's likely a week of "no-go" with that time of the month. That's more like (average of 4 times per week * 3 weeks) = 12 times a month...

And most people aren't up in arms about that frequency. Heck, many of us would have loved that frequency in our relationships. It's the unilateral cutting back to what she wants, which is once a month. As an FYI, I was ok with once a week in my marriage, manually supplemented. When it started slipping to once a month or less, that was one of a number of dealbreakers. Of course, I was 43 at the time... Not sure how I would have responded at once a week at 20 something.

In regard to comparing a marriage to a job, it's called an analogy. Useful for trying to convey a point when having a discussion. I could compare it to a car, or a horse, or anything else. It doesn't mean I think it's a car, a horse, or a job. Just that there's some particular similarities I'm trying to get across.

C
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Old 04-15-2012, 12:42 PM   #258 (permalink)
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Default Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?

Quote:
Originally Posted by marieJa View Post
I must say I have gotten some good ideas from all the response.

I have decided to bring this whole issue up with my husband (he is on a long travel now, but when he gets back). I will try to be delicate, though, as all this time I've not told him how I really feel because I'm afraid of hurting him.

I'm sure my great husband will understand me and we will reach a compromise. I am crazy about him... I know what sex means to him, and I want to make him happy by all means. But I know he can't be happy if I'm not happy, and if having sex too often makes me unhappy, he will not do that. And no I don't expect to have sex only once a month - I said COMPROMISE! Come on, we love each other!

I very well understand the point of view of many that it is surely ME who has to go to the therapy (I don't mean that my H should go, he's normal. I am too, even though I want less sex than SOME people). Should I see a professional? Hmm... If we really can't reach a compromise ourselves.

Listen, I don't think my drive is SO abnormal. Isn't it obvious that many people on this very thread have wives with similar drives? Accept it or not, but this happens.
Sounds like you have a good plan, MarieJa. Good luck!

C
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Old 04-15-2012, 12:43 PM   #259 (permalink)
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Default Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?

Good, MarieJa. Marriage is all about communication, caring, and compromise.
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Old 04-15-2012, 12:57 PM   #260 (permalink)
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Default Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?

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Originally Posted by marieJa View Post
...I would like to fully understand how sex is so important for men - I really can't see it.


Quote:
Originally Posted by marieJa View Post
... I know what sex means to him, and I want to make him happy by all means.
I'm sorry people were so blunt on this thread. Your needs are every bit as important as your husband's.

You do seem to have moved in the direction of empathy and that will make it much easier for both of you when you talk with your husband.
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Old 04-15-2012, 12:57 PM   #261 (permalink)
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Default Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?

This thread really got me thinking & appreciating my husband. I have to say thanks...
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Old 04-15-2012, 01:01 PM   #262 (permalink)
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Default Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?

See?

Now wasn't that easy?

People have problems ... we've got solutions. Sometimes a whole boat-load of 'em.

Best of luck.
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Old 04-15-2012, 01:03 PM   #263 (permalink)
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Default Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?

To be clear, NOT appreciating him in the way that I will just give it to him as many times as his sex drive needs... In the sense that he is much more thoughtful and heartful than many guys here.
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Old 04-15-2012, 01:05 PM   #264 (permalink)
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he is much more thoughtful and heartful than many guys here.
You couldn't just walk away could you?

Had to get that parting shot.

Sweetie you have no idea. Where do you think these men here came from? You think your beloved husband is DIFFERENT than all the men here?

Really?
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Old 04-15-2012, 01:05 PM   #265 (permalink)
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To be clear, NOT appreciating him in the way that I will just give it to him as many times as his sex drive needs... In the sense that he is much more thoughtful and heartful than many guys here.
I've never been happier to be a horrible example!

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Old 04-15-2012, 01:38 PM   #266 (permalink)
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Default Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?

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To be clear, NOT appreciating him in the way that I will just give it to him as many times as his sex drive needs... In the sense that he is much more thoughtful and heartful than many guys here.
How old are you marieJa?
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Old 04-15-2012, 01:43 PM   #267 (permalink)
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How old are you marieJa?
She's 25.
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Old 04-15-2012, 01:55 PM   #268 (permalink)
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Default Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?

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Originally Posted by Mavash. View Post
You couldn't just walk away could you?

Had to get that parting shot.

Sweetie you have no idea. Where do you think these men here came from? You think your beloved husband is DIFFERENT than all the men here?

Really?
Walk away? This is HER post. Most called her selfish and terrible. She came for help and got skinned. She got ill from the insults and many should say sorry for the words they said. She wants to change and has said that. Yes her husband is different than most here. She has sex with him nearly all week. She needs to tell him what she thinks so they can work out what is going on. He cant change what he doesnt know.
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Old 04-15-2012, 02:05 PM   #269 (permalink)
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Default Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mavash. View Post
You couldn't just walk away could you?

Had to get that parting shot.

Sweetie you have no idea. Where do you think these men here came from? You think your beloved husband is DIFFERENT than all the men here?

Really?
Oh really

That's not a parting shot, it the truth. You don't like to hear it and that's too bad. She said what she said and she is right. The result of her posting here has been positive. She got many supportive post and suggestions.

She did not get a a bunch of people telling her she is abnormal and that is key. She is not abnormal and neither is her husband. What she has is a very common dynamic. If it is handled correctly at this early point in the marriage, things will go relatively smoothly.

Being told that her husbands needs are paramount and that he will cheat or divorce her is not convincing or helpful or even thrustful. It is an attempt to coerce and wishful thinking. She should be punished because she does not want sex 5 times a week?

She can expect her libido to ramp up in time. She needs to know that so that she can whether this period as temporary. This is exactly why we need more LD woman posting. We all learn something.

M - Why do you feel that you have earned some superior standing that gives you the right to decide who says what? You see her as some kind of underling that should walk away like a child and say nothing in return. Really? Why because you are righteous? Says who?

Actually, your nastiness and condescension help's in ways that I am certain you cannot see. You should feel very fortunate to have a man like your husband Marie.

Supercilious, reactionary and angry is not an attractive combination in a man. Probably not recognized by him as a problem in his relationship.

Reading some of the hard, holier than thou, man's burden is woman type reactionary post to woman like Marie makes me appreciate my husband too. It also makes me wonder if their attitude is the reason their wives don't like to be touched by them.

I am glad you posted Marie and I know things will get better in your marriage. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you or your husband.

When you start to think in terms of who is normal and whose needs are superior, then go to therapy. As long as you stay flexible and certain that you are both OK then you have a chance to resolve conflicts and differences.

The good news is that sex will get better for you both in the future as you get older.

The very best of luck.
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Last edited by Catherine602; 04-15-2012 at 02:21 PM.
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Old 04-15-2012, 02:15 PM   #270 (permalink)
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Default Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?

Catherine,

It's likely in about 10 years of once-a-month (or less), marieJa will find some thoughtless aggressive alpha she DOES desire.

By then, she'll have rationalized that her husband doesn't really want her anyway, as she's taught him to do without.

Does such a scenario really seem that far-fetched based on what we've all read here day after day?
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