Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mavash.
You couldn't just walk away could you?
Had to get that parting shot.
Sweetie you have no idea. Where do you think these men here came from? You think your beloved husband is DIFFERENT than all the men here?
Really?
Walk away? This is HER post. Most called her selfish and terrible. She came for help and got skinned. She got ill from the insults and many should say sorry for the words they said. She wants to change and has said that. Yes her husband is different than most here. She has sex with him nearly all week. She needs to tell him what she thinks so they can work out what is going on. He cant change what he doesnt know.
Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mavash.
You couldn't just walk away could you?
Had to get that parting shot.
Sweetie you have no idea. Where do you think these men here came from? You think your beloved husband is DIFFERENT than all the men here?
Really?
Oh really
That's not a parting shot, it the truth. You don't like to hear it and that's too bad. She said what she said and she is right. The result of her posting here has been positive. She got many supportive post and suggestions.
She did not get a a bunch of people telling her she is abnormal and that is key. She is not abnormal and neither is her husband. What she has is a very common dynamic. If it is handled correctly at this early point in the marriage, things will go relatively smoothly.
Being told that her husbands needs are paramount and that he will cheat or divorce her is not convincing or helpful or even thrustful. It is an attempt to coerce and wishful thinking. She should be punished because she does not want sex 5 times a week?
She can expect her libido to ramp up in time. She needs to know that so that she can whether this period as temporary. This is exactly why we need more LD woman posting. We all learn something.
M - Why do you feel that you have earned some superior standing that gives you the right to decide who says what? You see her as some kind of underling that should walk away like a child and say nothing in return. Really? Why because you are righteous? Says who?
Actually, your nastiness and condescension help's in ways that I am certain you cannot see. You should feel very fortunate to have a man like your husband Marie.
Supercilious, reactionary and angry is not an attractive combination in a man. Probably not recognized by him as a problem in his relationship.
Reading some of the hard, holier than thou, man's burden is woman type reactionary post to woman like Marie makes me appreciate my husband too. It also makes me wonder if their attitude is the reason their wives don't like to be touched by them.
I am glad you posted Marie and I know things will get better in your marriage. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you or your husband.
When you start to think in terms of who is normal and whose needs are superior, then go to therapy. As long as you stay flexible and certain that you are both OK then you have a chance to resolve conflicts and differences.
The good news is that sex will get better for you both in the future as you get older.
Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?
Quote:
Originally Posted by marieJa
I must say I have gotten some good ideas from all the response.
I have decided to bring this whole issue up with my husband (he is on a long travel now, but when he gets back). I will try to be delicate, though, as all this time I've not told him how I really feel because I'm afraid of hurting him.
I'm sure my great husband will understand me and we will reach a compromise. I am crazy about him... I know what sex means to him, and I want to make him happy by all means. But I know he can't be happy if I'm not happy, and if having sex too often makes me unhappy, he will not do that. And no I don't expect to have sex only once a month - I said COMPROMISE! Come on, we love each other!
I very well understand the point of view of many that it is surely ME who has to go to the therapy (I don't mean that my H should go, he's normal. I am too, even though I want less sex than SOME people). Should I see a professional? Hmm... If we really can't reach a compromise ourselves.
Listen, I don't think my drive is SO abnormal. Isn't it obvious that many people on this very thread have wives with similar drives? Accept it or not, but this happens.
I think you both should go to therapy together, not just you. There are undoubtedly things your husband can/should do to help you two enjoy your sex life together more. In the end that's what this whole discussion is about.
Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?
Quote:
Originally Posted by marieJa
To be clear, NOT appreciating him in the way that I will just give it to him as many times as his sex drive needs... In the sense that he is much more thoughtful and heartful than many guys here.
Maybe he is more heartful than many people here, but that doesn't change the fact that he is married to someone who is not being honest with him. Do you really think he would feel the same for you if you told him the things you said on this thread? Granted, neither of you probably knew that you two would find yourself in this situation when you married, but I'm not sure that I agree with your assertion that it is normal. In fact, you hear very little about people claiming to only desire sex one day a month when they are single, and looking for a relationship. The biggest challenge, which others are trying to point out, is that if you choose to be honest with your husband, it is very unlikely that he will be able to accept that it is just a low drive issue. Again, very few people pursue a new relationship with the claim of having a very low drive, so he is unlikely to have a reference point that will help him accept this. Far more likely that he'll punish himself over the fear that the problem is him.
Yes, it is your body and your sex drive, but it sounds like you are trying to pretend to be something different, for him. I think it is shortsighted of the other posters who see him as some sort of selfish ogre, unless he pursues it after you tell him what is acceptable to you.
Actually, she says "3-5 times a week", plus there's likely a week of "no-go" with that time of the month. That's more like (average of 4 times per week * 3 weeks) = 12 times a month...
And most people aren't up in arms about that frequency. Heck, many of us would have loved that frequency in our relationships. It's the unilateral cutting back to what she wants, which is once a month. As an FYI, I was ok with once a week in my marriage, manually supplemented. When it started slipping to once a month or less, that was one of a number of dealbreakers. Of course, I was 43 at the time... Not sure how I would have responded at once a week at 20 something.
In regard to comparing a marriage to a job, it's called an analogy. Useful for trying to convey a point when having a discussion. I could compare it to a car, or a horse, or anything else. It doesn't mean I think it's a car, a horse, or a job. Just that there's some particular similarities I'm trying to get across.
C
3-5X/wk is 20X's/mth. Sthat is pretty simple math and you are now changing the #'s.
Also the analogy I think was lousy and said so. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?
I give up and will post no longer on this thread. While I defended MarieJa against people's posts that I found offensive and not at all helpful, it is obvious MarieJa is too immature to understand and process what people are saying and has no interest to improve her view of sexuality and sex.
SHe just defends her husband and will you are right devastate him if he is as sensitive and great a guy as she states when she tells him that she is turned off 19 of 20 times each month.
She said nothing about that "no go" week that many aren't bothered by..... In any case it is moot......
Can we agree that is a lot more then the 1X/mth she wants???? In any case I'm no longer posting as I don't think MarieJa really understands it at all.....
Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Catherine602
That's not a parting shot, it the truth.
To her yes it is the truth as she sees it. I'd be willing to bet her husband disagrees.
He's going to be heartbroken when he finds out she hates sex. I guarantee it. He won't be as "thoughtful" and as "heartful" about it as she thinks he'll be.
He'll feel duped and shattered. Go read that other guys post that just joined us whose wife feels the same way as this girl. He's devastated to find out his wife feels the same as this woman does. And he let her read this thread.
It CRUSHED him. There was no 'thoughtful' part in that conversation.
Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Conrad
Catherine,
It's likely in about 10 years of once-a-month (or less), marieJa will find some thoughtless aggressive alpha she DOES desire.
By then, she'll have rationalized that her husband doesn't really want her anyway, as she's taught him to do without.
Does such a scenario really seem that far-fetched based on what we've all read here day after day?
Conrad
I don't think anyone, not even Marie, said that once a month is a fair compromise. I think there were a few suggestions, mine included, for 3 times a week with adjustments as needed.
She never said that she wants to have sex once a month, she said she has desire one week before ovulation. I am guessing that she could have sex every night during that week.
The 3 weeks she is off, are the ones they can both compromise. I am LD married to HD man and 4 times a week is good for both of us. That is the basis of my suggestion of 3 times a week.
I think there was something missed here. She came here asking for help. She asked not once but several times. How can she satisfy her husbands need to bond with her with sex without building resentment for the times she did not want to have sex. To me, that is a sign of a healthy loving woman.
To endure a barrage of hostility for asking a question is ridiculous. Moreover, to expect her to put up with the unwarranted hostility of posters with many more problems than she, is an affront.
Why is there so much hostility towards LD women who come looking for answers? There is no reason for it. Yes I know, they are reminded of their spouses. Sorry, that is no reason to direct their rage towards someone who did nothing to them. It is self serving
The advice should not be adversarial man Vs, woman as is usually the case. I think Marie was right with her reaction to some of the negative post.
She came to this forum expecting mature experienced men and women to give her advice. It is a shame that she had to wade through useless trash to get to the good.
Lecturing her about the needs of men, or promising dire consequences does absolutely nothing to answer her question. In fact she reacted just as negatively back, as she should.
I think there were many really good posts here. They were fair and equitable to both her and her husband. The default position that she is wrong was not supported in the majority of the post. Communication and compromise was the major message.
Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mavash.
To her yes it is the truth as she sees it. I'd be willing to bet her husband disagrees.
He's going to be heartbroken when he finds out she hates sex. I guarantee it. He won't be as "thoughtful" and as "heartful" about it as she thinks he'll be.
He'll feel duped and shattered. Go read that other guys post that just joined us whose wife feels the same way as this girl. He's devastated to find out his wife feels the same as this woman does. And he let her read this thread.
It CRUSHED him. There was no 'thoughtful' part in that conversation.
You are kidding right? Where do you get all of this?? Are we reading the same thread.
You think that the fact that she wants to have less sex than he wants that he will be crushed, shattered and feel duped?
Not if he is a mature and mentally healthy man. It is common to have mismatched sex drives and others differences. The men and women who are healthy, negotiate this reality like all of the other realities of blended lives.
Melodramatic types are less able to see anything but their desires and may feel crushed because their partner wants anything that is not what they want.
In that case, there may be more than one person in the relationship who feels duped. The wife may wonder if she married a man or a boy.
Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?
Catherine we can agree to disagree. I don't want to argue with you. This woman is nothing like you. She doesn't like sex. Her words were she feels it's her body and she's being violated. She's been harboring resentment for a year now over it.
Then she comes back and says her husband is more thoughtful than the men here?
Yes I could have said it nicer but I happen to think the men here are great and I took offense to that comment. It made me mad so yes I defended them.
If it weren't for the men here I'd likely be divorced now. I'm grateful to TAM and the men here for their insight.
PS I used to have another user name - I've been here for over a year. We've chatted before actually.
She said nothing about that "no go" week that many aren't bothered by..... In any case it is moot......
Can we agree that is a lot more then the 1X/mth she wants???? In any case I'm no longer posting as I don't think MarieJa really understands it at all.....
Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?
Quote:
Originally Posted by marieJa
I have decided to bring this whole issue up with my husband (he is on a long travel now, but when he gets back). I will try to be delicate, though, as all this time I've not told him how I really feel because I'm afraid of hurting him.
I can't stress enough how delicate this is, given the way you describe your husband.....although I do feel couples need to be honest with each other....heartfelt deep understanding vulnerable communication is everything...in a happy marraige.
Just be prepared to pick his heart up off the floor when he feels the weight of this...the meaning......he may even hate himself , feeling he has been hurting you all of these years, he will cringe inside and likely remember this moment , playing it over & over & over in his mind... dividing what IS ...from what he thought it WAS.... it is that profound of a thing. This is a dark cloud to overcome.
Quote:
I'm sure my great husband will understand me and we will reach a compromise. I am crazy about him... I know what sex means to him, and I want to make him happy by all means. But I know he can't be happy if I'm not happy, and if having sex too often makes me unhappy, he will not do that. And no I don't expect to have sex only once a month - I said COMPROMISE! Come on, we love each other!
I believe he will understand, but he is still going to hurt . Be reassuring of your love for him like never before in your marraige.
Some Compromises:
1. He needs to let your orgasms "go" , as much as he wants to please you, he has to overcome this & just allow you to please him... willingly .... joyfully ....because you love him ....that's it..accept the pleasure you give. (this is a hard one for my husband..even today he struggles with feeling selfish If I am not getting mine. Just something deep within. Your husband will have to work on his "mindset" in this. Just as you need to overcome, he will too ... in this area.
Some of us connect desire with Love, maybe it isn't that healthy, I am not even sure where the dividing line is, I know I connect it myself. And I am sure your husband does now.. to some degree.
2. Does he masterbate ? if not, he will want to do this more often to give you some nights off -or mornings ....maybe in the shower... what about some porn, you allow this -against it ? Maybe you feel the question is outrageous . If against this...maybe, you could make some videos of yourselves he can watch.
I very well understand the point of view of many that it is surely ME who has to go to the therapy (I don't mean that my H should go, he's normal. I am too, even though I want less sex than SOME people). Should I see a professional? Hmm... If we really can't reach a compromise ourselves.
Listen, I don't think my drive is SO abnormal. Isn't it obvious that many people on this very thread have wives with similar drives? Accept it or not, but this happens.
There is a Huge difference between LUST (that URGING raging drive -"got to have you now" erection /dripping wet passion... and the swimming in the "Emotional Connection of Making love".
My husband is a lower test man, at age 45 -I learned his Test levels was those "average" for men in thier 60's.. hearing this through me into a tail spin, I felt ..."I'm screwed now he lost all his desire for me, he is all washed up " .... I would really get upset over this... what saved us... THE EMOTIONAL CONNECTION.
I did a thread on this... It started out as a little fight ....and our talk led into this great analogy I wanted to share on this forum... it changed my MINDSET in this area... and now I don't care all that much about his 'lust" / his drive.. it is about so much more.
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Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often? 
