that_girl

Ok, this will be long...

When I was single/committed in relationships, I always knew I was a HD person. I would fall for people and 99% of them were LD.

I didn't even KNOW that HD and LD existed at that time, i was just called a 'freak' or a man in a woman's body, or something was WRONG with me...because my mates were all LD.

My ex is LD...I see that now. Whether it was because of our crappy relationship, or what, I don't know or care. He would need sex maybe 2 times a month and the rest of the time, I would beg, plead, cry, yell, ignore him for sex. Then it was quick, emotionless and rude...I would often ask him to leave a 20 by the bed when he'd jump up to go back to his computer.

It sucked.

So, i remember sitting on my bed crying after being turned down---again-- and thinking, this can NOT be my life. I was 25. Screw that. Why should I live my life that way? He wasn't going to compromise and if he DID compromise, it was out of spite. hell no. If he didn't want sex, fine. But i did.

I left him and was single for 7 years. NEVER finding my sexually compatible mate. I just thought maybe something WAS wrong with me.

I started hating sex. I hated thinking about it, wanting it...it was pointless. I dated a man for 3 years who didn't want sex. I was constantly told to "chill out" when I made advances.

So I broke up with him. I wasn't going to live my life with someone who thought I was a freak. Why should I have to live my life in a way that I don't want to. I didn't want to fight for sex....hell, I could get more being single!

So...2007 began my quest for MY perfect man. No joke. I dated many men, slept with 2. Within the first 2 dates, sexuality was a topic of discussion and I would gage how they talked about sex, etc. We were in our 30s! If you don't know yourself by then, then you're not the one for me.

Also, it was easy to weed out the LDers. There are more men that I realized. Sexuality is not something I'm ashamed of and I didn't want my mate to be ashamed either. It is possible to have very frank conversations about sex and sexuality.

2007 was closing quickly. I met Hubs in December 2007. Date 2 was the sex talk. It was a very casual talk about what we expected, why we sleep with people, how often we like it (just like the other convos) and Hubs and i were point for point the same.

We didn't sleep together that night. nope. But I was satisfied that we'd be compatible at least in the amount we both desired in a relationship.

My point is, if you aren't a sexual person, DO NOT even pretend to be a sexual person while dating. Don't do that to a HD person. If you're LD, seek out LD people. That means talking about sex. OH THE HORROR! Grow up and talk about sex. Get your perfect match and go from there.

I refused to fight about sex or money and Hubs and I fight about neither of those things. Why? because of some very important conversations before things got serious.

If you're LD or HD, and know it, then make it a point to seek out like attitudes. otherwise, you're in for a world of hurt. Guaranteed.

__________________

Conrad

I still want to know if marieJa and her husband spoke about this before she married him.

If not, how long has she "known" this about their relationship?

I think those are "fulcrum" datapoints.

__________________
"Forgive or Re-Live"

-AFEH

Posse

Some people really just don't want to accept the plain unvarnished truth when they hear it.

Tall Average Guy

I think this is spot on for many women (and one reason why my wife refers to women as fire and men as firefighters). But I do think it highlights an issue that marie had - even when physically aroused, she mentally wanted to avoiding sex. I do think a frank discussion with her husband, as well as some counseling to understand this reaction, would be very beneficial to her and her husband.

Tall Average Guy

I will disagree with this a bit. She did get some very negative posts. She also got a lot of constructive posts. I stand by mine. Many people (men included) genuinely trying to help her understand where her husband may be coming from and how changing this may change her relationship.

I do admit to be frustrated as she seemed to lock onto those posts that allowed her to take insult, tar some men, and then go do what she wanted. I think in the end she did not do that, but rather really thought about the advice and seems to have a good plan in place. With that, her parting "shot/fact" was disappointing. I do hope she comes to a workable solution.

Mavash.

Last night thinking about this thread I reminded myself that she's 25. Many of us here are twice her age. Of course she would think her husband is 'different'. Many of us thought that too at one point or another about our spouses. Then we grew up and realized there are life truths and either you can face them or you can stick your head in the sand. Your choice.

I hope for her sake that she works towards a workable solution before it's too late.

Browncoat

Yep that was my thought as well. It's one thing if she and her husband are in their 60s and it's possible that his drive may be waning soon anyway (still an issue perhaps), but it's quite another at 25. That poor man is looking forward to likely another 50 or so years of at most 1x/month (assuming it may even drop from there at some point). For a HD partner that's just too much, he will become bitter. That was my point to her all along.

I know some folks here think we were attacking, perhaps I was considered one of those on the offensive. I think painting a picture of how things are almost assured to play out from someone so young doing something this radical is appropriate. Not letting her know what's down the road and having her discover for herself the trouble that awaits her 10-15 years down this road would be far more caustic than warning her now.

frustr8dhubby

Wow, has this thread exploded...

OK, I will bite. I was one of the ones that was pretty hard on her but I am living it. I am sure some of my own frustrations crept in but I am trying to convey the seriousness of it.

Actually the fact that she has this issue at 25 is more of a concern in my eyes. She "might" come in to a bit of an awakening in a few years but at the same time kids/work/finances/life tend to get in the way and if it is already this way, I don't see it improving. (Hope I am wrong).

As I have mentioned before one of 2 things will likely happen:

1. She keeps on "acting" (her words) and resentment continues to grow.
2. She finally gets the frequency down to where she wants it and he feels undesired and resentment grows on his side.

I am sure that when she talks to him, he is going to say: "Sorry honey I didn't know you weren't happy, I am fine with x times per month". And that might work for some period of time. But the mere fact that she has been "pretending" all this time is a big issue. He is sitting there thinking he is the man getting it 3-5x/wk and she is going to tell him she wants once a month. Whether he verbalizes it or not, it is going to be crushing...

Catherine602,

I appreciate your insight but then how do I get her to tell me what can help get her running? So far, I get nothing. If it is the right day and the kids are occupied and the stars are aligned and she doesn't have anything on the DVR and no one is on FaceBook, I get a "OK I guess we can" type of response..

Honestly (and this is a little bit to Havesomethingtosay's point). I would likely be content (not happy) with once a week if I felt I was actually desired.

Toffer

"you high drive people have no idea how it feels to give your BODY half-unwillingly to ANYONE.

It feels awful."

Sorry but you "low drive" people have no idea how it feels to have your body and person be put off and rejected by the one you love unconditionally.

It not only feels awful but also causes quite a deal of self-loathing and doubt.

And by the way, chore sex isn't much better after a while unless you're a good actress.

Do yourself and your husband a favor and talk about this. If you can't uphold your part of the marriage contract, offer to set him free and the two of you can find mates more closely matched to your drives

Hicks

MarieJa,

I think you should stop thinking about sex and start thinking more about what it means to be a wife or a husband in a marriage. The truly happiest marriages and truly happiest people contain the concept of giving and taking.

In other words, a wife GIVES to her husband what he needs to the level that he needs it, and a husband does the same back to his wife. Both partners give to a very high level, but but partners receive to a very high level.

You get a deep satisfaction and fulfillment two ways which create a marriage and life that so very few ever attain:
1. as a wife by taking on the idea that you as your man's wife will strive to make his life awesome because you are a part of it, this is a very purposeful and satisfying way to live.
2.Your husband will strive to meet your needs at a very high level and this makes your life very satisfying and happy.

In contrast, the concept of compromise as you are suggesting denies you of that feeling of giving 100% to your marriage, and denies your husband having his needs met to a level that makes him feel truly motivated to be a phenomenal husband, and thus starts the downward spiral of your marriage.

Conrad

Pressing the "like" button on this one is insufficient.

This is spot on.

EVEN when climbing "O" Hill, she's still hating it.

I still want to know IF she knew this prior to marrying him. How I would assess this situation depends totally on that answer.

__________________
"Forgive or Re-Live"

-AFEH

Beowulf

Well, if she knew she sure didn't tell her husband or let on that there was an issue. They were having sex 3-5x before they got married. To try to change things now seems very disingenuous.

marieJa

Sorry if I offended anyone by saying my opinions out loud. Yes, I'm young, in love, and probably naïve! Why would I choose to be pessimistic about our marriage??

So, someone wanted more information about me, concerning a case for which nothing can be done now as we are already married. How does that help anyone?

Anyway, I'm touched by the concern (and sure that the answer will be constructive rather than judging), so here comes:

We did address the problem before marriage, although we were a bit too optimistic about it. He probably thought that I will eventually want more sex, and I thought that I will never resent giving my body to him all the time, as I didn't that time.

Then, of course, we couldn't not marry. You know why? Because life happens right now, and we are soulmates for each other. IF we come to regret it and we fail (even though we really try to prevent it; I'm already looking for solutions!) - well, life goes on.

Conrad

How did you address the problem? The reason I ask this is because you say he "probably thought".

It would be best if you know what he actually thinks.

This may seem like a cross examination, but it's difficult to understate the importance of this to your shared future.

You must deal in reality.

If you kick this problem "down the road", it will only become larger - and the pain associated with it will be exponentially worse.

__________________
"Forgive or Re-Live"

-AFEH

marieJa

Hmm... I'm not sure I get your point. I suppose you mean that we should communicate more concerning this specific issue, and I certainly agree.