Conrad

When you tell me he "probably thought" something, you are in the weeds. You don't really know what he thinks.

That's why the alarm bells are ringing for so many people here.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, when my wife let me know 2x/month was "enough" for her, it destroyed my confidence to the point where I had difficulty performing.

The idea that your "soul mate" isn't into the physical act of lovemaking is devastating for a man. So, I implore you, do not go on what he "probably thought"

No one here would recommend that you risk building resentment to the levels you're describing. But, it's vitally important you know what you are dealing with - and how this is truly psychological dynamite to a man.

__________________
"Forgive or Re-Live"

-AFEH

Beowulf

I applaud you for trying to find ways to address this problem. And if my words offended or hurt you in some way please understand that my wife and I have come to appreciate that complete honesty, sometimes brutal honesty, is important in a marriage. So I try to be polite but I generally do not mince words. The fact that this thread is so long and is still receiving comments should indicate to you that people are trying to help you. Maybe the solutions are not correct in your situation and maybe sometimes the posts are on the harsh side but its better than asking for help and being ignored.

You do need to understand that sex in a marriage is no more and no less important than other issues like financial support, affection, fidelity, attention, etc. Some of these issues are more important to you than others. Some are more important to your husband than others. What spouses need to do is identify what is important to them and acknowledged what is important to their partner. As long as both parties are doing their best to fulfill the needs of each other a successful fulfilling marriage is the result. When one party is unable or unwilling to fulfill the needs of their partner that is when the marriage breaks down. I applaud you in that you have thus far tried to fulfill your husband's need for sex but obviously it is causing you to build up resentment toward him. But the solution is not to stop fulfilling his need. Because that will just shift the resentment from you to him. The solution is to find a way to fulfill his need without you feeling resentment. That is why I ultimately suggested that you delicately speak to your husband and both of you seek counseling together. I really don't see any reasonable alternative.

rundown

I think it's sad how many people on here have called the op selfish for her feelings. She has tried to be a loving supportive wife to this point and anybody who sees that as selfish should really think about it for a second. She didn't come on here saying she was going to cut him off or she could care less about his needs. She came one here seeking awnsers, these awnsers can be given witout attacking her.

To the op, I believe you wanted to know why the LD spouse should "give in" and the HD spouse should not just be happy with once a month, am I correct?

chillymorn

I think bait and switch is sad also!

rundown

What has she switched? I am pretty sure she indicated that she still has sex with him 3-5x a week. She came on here asking questions BEFORE she decided to switch anything. She spoke about her feelings, not her actions. I was under the impresion that your actions make you who you are, not your feelings.

Browncoat

I think the "bait and switch" is that the sex was at one level prior to marriage (bait) and throughout the marriage until now (leads him to assume this is how it will be)... now she wants to change it to 1x/month (the switch).

chillymorn

Listen to everyone with a low sex drive it is not ok to ack like you like frequent sex and then get married and say .......I thought after we married it would settle down some. or I never really liked oral ....


just out and out wrong. if you not interested in sex frequently make sure you let you man/woman know it before you you ruin their life.

Mavash.

The problem is they both swept this issue under the rug thinking love would conquor all. He assumed (incorrectly) that she'd GROW to love sex and she thought she could love him enough to not feel resentment.

And now there are consequences to this decision on both sides.

Sad really.

rundown

[QUOTE=marieJa;677783]

We had sex in a similar fashion before marriage. We talked about this issue, and we thought that our drives would eventually get closer to each other.QUOTE]

Not sure what about this makes you think he was uninformed when they got married. In this case it was talked about before hand. Not sure where bait and switch comes into play here?

Mavash.

When I was 18 I moved in with my then boyfriend. That very night he <gasp> wanted to have sex and I thought stupidly we were just going to be more roommates than anything. I didn't enjoy sex with him and since we weren't married I felt free to turn him down as often as humanly possible.

Ended up breaking up with him and finding someone I was more compatible with sexually (no that wasn't my goal it just happened that way).

And I've been a HD ever since. Had I stayed with him I would have thought I was LD too and guess what? I wasn't.

frustr8dhubby

I really don't want to get into it but do you really think she sat him down and said: "I know we are doing it 3-5x/wk now but I really only want it once a month. Hopefully after we get married I will want it more"?

Call it whatever the heck you want. That would be like him saying: "Well I know I make millions now but I think I want to give it all away and work at McDonalds..."

Conrad

[QUOTE=rundown;683499]It "could be" the part where she says their drives would "get closer" to each other - which clearly means his would settle down.

My last wife would swear I was LD.

My wife now - literally - takes my breath away.

When together, we average 11x/week.

We're much closer to 50 than to 25. This is after being married for over 4 years - and together 5.

Don't expect her husband to "settle down" if he's into her.

The issue is she's not into him.

__________________
"Forgive or Re-Live"

-AFEH

frustr8dhubby

Ding, ding, ding!!

MEM11363

Marie,
A few things have really helped this area of my marriage. A very genuine recognition that there are different types of desire. For instance, my W kept patiently repeating the message below until I understood it:

I don't directly control the level of sexual desire I feel. If you tie your emotional state to the degree of lust I feel, you are signing up for a massive world of misery that is not necessary. Because I DO have a much greater degree of conscious control over my desire to "please YOU". Loosely speaking you can separate these into:
- Lust = the desire to be pleased
- Love = the desire to please you

If you cannot accept my love, freely given from my heart, unless accompanied by lust, you are dooming us both to tension, conflict and perhaps ultimately dissolution.

As a man, you can't help but keep stats as if somehow this were a type of baseball game with one player on each team.

Darling, this isn't baseball and I am not your opponent. The idea that unless you please "me", you have played badly is entirely valid. What you fail to understand is that pleasing me, and taking me to the rapture are absolutely not the same thing. As a man, I believe you when you tell me how frustrating it feels to be intensely aroused, but not finished. Why is it that you refuse to accept that as a woman, I often feel differently? Your touch, the love you envelope me with, the sound of your breathing, the way you hold me after, these things bring me happiness.

As I accept that you are a man, and as a man are very different, I ask that you accept that I am a woman, and as a woman am very unlike you. This focus you have on my pleasure, while beautiful is misplaced. Instead of insisting that "what is important to you must be important to me", I need you to actually "ask me", what I want.

I do need to warn you in advance. If you continue to insist that whenever we connect, either I reach the rapture, or the whole exercise is a disaster for your male ego, I see an increasingly bleak road ahead for us.

As much as I love you, my patience is beginning to wear thin on this topic. If you truly need a "physiologically" equal partner I suggest you login to the "men seeking men" area on craigslist.....

rundown

[QUOTE=Conrad;683528]
I guess the word WE in her quote led me to believe that he knew what the score was. When somebody is told about it then bait and switch goes out the window.
Am I saying she did everything correctly? Nope. She didn't need to be attacked though.