Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?
Quote:
Originally Posted by frustr8dhubby
Wow, has this thread exploded...
As I have mentioned before one of 2 things will likely happen:
I am sure that when she talks to him, he is going to say: "Sorry honey I didn't know you weren't happy, I am fine with x times per month". And that might work for some period of time. But the mere fact that she has been "pretending" all this time is a big issue. He is sitting there thinking he is the man getting it 3-5x/wk and she is going to tell him she wants once a month. Whether he verbalizes it or not, it is going to be crushing...
Catherine602,
I appreciate your insight but then how do I get her to tell me what can help get her running? So far, I get nothing. If it is the right day and the kids are occupied and the stars are aligned and she doesn't have anything on the DVR and no one is on FaceBook, I get a "OK I guess we can" type of response..
Honestly (and this is a little bit to Havesomethingtosay's point). I would likely be content (not happy) with once a week if I felt I was actually desired.
Frustrated - don't ask because she won't tell you. I am not sexually aggressive, initiation is extremely rare and usually subtle. I follow my husbands lead. My background - I went to Catholic school and had nuns, need I say more.
Many women are like me. They would rather their husbands lead with confidence. I don't know if that makes sense. If my husband was shy and asked me, I don't know what I would do.
Asking for sex is undignified in my mind. Maybe by asking, it puts the ball in her court, so to speak. Try not asking but just initiating. Asking just seems to child like to me.
I am not saying force her but just act as if it is a part of married life like sleeping in the same bed, kissing and holding each other.
Talk to her and tell her that's what you want to do from now on. It would probably be more productive if you didn't talk about sex as your need but both your need. Talk about taking the time to connect with each other.
Ask her what is going on with her and tell her how you feel about the emotional distance. Be resolute but sweet and confident. Do you think you could make a time once a week to start with for sex?
Of course, it depends on her personality. If she fights you for dominance, it may not work. But even if she does you have to be more dominant that she is.
Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?
Hold on. Why do people expect her to do a pirouette in a matter of one day???
She is taking everything in. Why is everyone so pessimistic? She hasn't said "I have seen the light and you are all right" but that does not mean that she is not thinking about the posts that don't insult her intelligence.
When someone starts out a discourse with - "this is what you need to understand....". You know what my mind does "the hell I do..." Using that tone seems to assume the speaker is all knowing. We are all speaking from a biased stance.
Those who are speaking from the male point of view only, why do you expect her to give up her viewpoint? You are doing exactly what you accuse her of doing.
Do you know what my reaction is to "men need frequent sex" many women don't. There's the end to the discussion. Follow that up with recrimination of selfishness, bait and switch, and dire predictions, and I'll say "up yours, we'll see"
Marie is still here, right? Why? Just because she likes hearing insults and lectures? She is waiting for just the right wisdom from one of us that she can turn around in her mind and make sense of it. It has to make sense from an emotional core.
I am sorry "men need sex" is a given. The male point of view is no more correct than her point of view. That, I think, was her query.
Why is the default the male need for sex and not the female need for sex?
The answer is - it is not. It takes a blend of both their needs. If they approach their sex life as a team effort and not her doing something for him then it may work. They are doing for each other.
A previous poster said it. He needs to feel loved and accepted and so does she. He should not feel any resentment towards her and neither should she towards him.
They will have to blend their needs and be flexible. Making him right and her wrong has no merit because it is not true. Neither is making her right.
Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Catherine602
Frustrated - don't ask because she won't tell you. I am not sexually aggressive, initiation is extremely rare and usually subtle. I follow my husbands lead. My background - I went to Catholic school and had nuns, need I say more.
Many women are like me. They would rather their husbands lead with confidence. I don't know if that makes sense. If my husband was shy and asked me, I don't know what I would do.
Asking for sex is undignified in my mind. Maybe by asking, it puts the ball in her court, so to speak. Try not asking but just initiating. Asking just seems to child like to me.
I am not saying force her but just act as if it is a part of married life like sleeping in the same bed, kissing and holding each other.
Talk to her and tell her that's what you want to do from now on. It would probably be more productive if you didn't talk about sex as your need but both your need. Talk about taking the time to connect with each other.
Ask her what is going on with her and tell her how you feel about the emotional distance. Be resolute but sweet and confident. Do you think you could make a time once a week to start with for sex?
Of course, it depends on her personality. If she fights you for dominance, it may not work. But even if she does you have to be more dominant that she is.
Catherine602,
I am not sure I understand you or maybe you misread my question. I never ask for sex. I do initiate, flirt with her, etc, etc. NOTHING gets her going. Not me, not other men, not even hot sexy actors, erotic stories, whatever. I'm at a total loss...
Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?
This issue is weighing on me as well, Im not sure if once a month is what my gf wants but its definitely not on par with my sex drive.
I hate to say it, but you guys arent compatible, and I hate to say that because that means that Im not compatible with my gf.
For a man sex IS intimacy, for a man sex is a lifelong pursuit and if the person your going to spend your life with doesnt want it then thats a ****ty life.
The other option is that you get him a sex buddy! Ya thats it, just like you only watch the superbowl with him and he watches the weekly games with others interested in that activity you should get him someone that he can enjoy sex with then you can initiate it when you want! Problem solved!
Oh, but that cant happen can it, so your stuck giving it up 3-5 times a week like you promised him.
You can also try testosterone shots, that sometimes helps, look for a naturopath in your area.
Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?
There are so many pages on here that I apologise in advance if someone else has already recommended this book:
Its called "The Sex Diaries" by Australian sex therapist Bettina Arndt. It really sheds an amazing light on the differences between every man, woman and marriage when it comes to sex.
She is a bit controversial as she says sometimes (not all the time) the lower libido'ed person needs to Nike it...ie "just do it" as generally you'll end up enjoying it.
The book is also good from the point of view that you are likely to find a story/example that is broadly similar to your own. You should be able to find the book on Amazon.
Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Catherine602
Those who are speaking from the male point of view only, why do you expect her to give up her viewpoint? You are doing exactly what you accuse her of doing.
Do you know what my reaction is to "men need frequent sex" many women don't. There's the end to the discussion. Follow that up with recrimination of selfishness, bait and switch, and dire predictions, and I'll say "up yours, we'll see"
Needs in relationships do seem to get defined by the person in need. I could go an entire evening with a bare minimum of conversation and be just as happy as a clam, but that wouldn't cut it with my wife. Conversation is extremely important to her. And it would be a cold day in hell before she allowed me to define her need for conversation by my lack thereof or claim that my lack thereof was a need in its own rite.
This thread did kinda turn into a battle of the sexes, but it seems like the genders could easily have been reversed. There are several ladies on TAM who are sexually neglected by their husbands. Although they usually express themselves more in terms of heartbreak than rage, they don't seem any happier about it than their male counterparts here.
Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Catherine602
A previous poster said it. He needs to feel loved and accepted and so does she. He should not feel any resentment towards her and neither should she towards him.
This is the ideal. Both parties need to work and be flexible.
Quote:
They will have to blend their needs and be flexible. Making him right and her wrong has no merit because it is not true. Neither is making her right.
I do hope marie comes back and lets us know how her discussion went, and what her thoughts are on any compromise they may have reached. I think it may be useful to other readers (as well as those of us who posted) to see the outcome.
Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?
Quote:
Originally Posted by marieJa
I am a low libido female, 25 years old. I feel the need for sex once in a month (a week before my period). Otherwise, it never comes to my mind, and I mean NEVER. And I'm happy with that!
My husband is the opposite. It might be one day of a month when he doesn't want sex (sex for him is equal to pleasing me). He is a gentle and generous lover, always putting my pleasure first: he could give me oral for hours, he makes sure I get many orgasms etc. And he enjoys every second of it - he calls it the best way to express his love for me.
But I just don't need that kind of an attention that often! I do need it sometimes, but only sometimes. I would MUCH rather enjoy other kind of pleasure from him, like a back rub, but NO. He wants to give me sex. And when I don't initially want it but I do it for him, the whole act feels like a chore. When I do want it, it is great. But I want it so rarely (well, I don't feel it is too rarely for me, but for him, it is).
I guess our ways of expressing love are very different. I wouldn't mind pleasing him, but to give one's body to someone when you don't want it yourself is not a pleasant feeling at all.
So - what to do? Continue having chore-like sex (so that he gets what he wants), or have it once a month (so that I get what I want)?
After giving your first post on this thread more consideration, I suggest that you two dissolve your relationship and go your separate ways. He can find himself a woman who better appreciates his overtures and you can find yourself either, perhaps a eunuch or a woman who isn't interested in physical contact of that nature.
Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?
Ok, that's quite a lot of response. Interesting viewpoints.
Glad I got some concrete advice about how to cope in this situation with the one I love!
For those who suggest me to just take it - well, if my husband suggested that, I would feel unloved. See the irony here? Or to put it the other way round: "Hey, HD people with an LD spouse and no sex, just accept it!" Don't be so limited! At least I am trying to see this whole sex thing from the HD side.
For those who tell us to separate - we won't, as we are happy now. Who knows, maybe in some years we will (which I doubt; we will not let this issue come between us). Anyway, if that happens, it happens. But to divorce now that we are happy and in love?
You see, our situation is rather easy... No kids, both financially independent etc. If it would ever seem that some of us wasn't willing to compromise anymore, it would simply mean that we have run out of love. And if we ever will, what's the point of being together, then?
I will surely post here when my husband returns from the travel and we have talked more about this issue.
Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?
Quote:
Originally Posted by so now what?
I must admit I am amazed at someone who posted they did it 11 times a week....
Not to detract from the thread, but frankly if my wife was up for it I'd be up for 11 times each and every week super easily. Seriously that's less than 2x a day.
Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Posse
Yeah, I said that too, especially in the beginning and then less emphatically as 15 years passed. Because I wanted to have sex, and I thought not being honest with my feelings to my wife would get me what I wanted. During the 15 years I learned more and more what my friends were getting from their marriages, and I wasn't, however. I finally started speaking up.
I am far from heartless. If I were heartless I would have been gone a long time ago. Because of my heart, I keep hoping my wife will come around.
For another 4 years....
I am telling you honestly how I think in hopes that it will be of value to you in sorting out how you want your life to unfold. It would be easier to lie to you, but maybe you can benefit from the truth.
333Likes
Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often? 
