hookares

I really have never posted my complete story here or anywhere else because I'm still having issues with revealing just how stupid I was for over twenty years. I was pretty much the guy you THINK would be ideal during that time and it failed to pan out.
If you think this woman can solve her libido problems with her spouse by "wishing" them away, you and she are in a hopeless situation. I looked the other way when my ex deprived me of ANY physical attention attributing it to her low libido, only to find out that she just wasn't interested in anything from me other than financial support.
I would have given just about anything for her to just level with me before she got pregnant from the efforts of the first guy she was cheating with, but alas it never happened.
I think you might be better off letting the moderators handle any "unkind" posts that aren't directed toward you rather than to make accusations which you have nothing to support.

Catherine602

Phantom if your wife was willing to come to a compromise with you simular to what we are advising Marie, would that work for you?

I ask because of posts like Tacoma seem to be saying that anything less than what the man wants, is too little regardless of what his wife may want.

My question is to HD people- do you resent having to make any accommodations for the person you love?

Do you feel emotionally connected or loved only when you have sex at the frequency that you want, no matter what you partner wants?

__________________
"Hey some guys need a book to find the G-spot. It was intuitive for me. Some take the road less travelled." Enthropy 3000

Sawney Beane

The OP grasped the solution many pages back - compromise. You come up with something that both can feel content with, and maybe even come to like (!).

The devil's in the detail, of course, but how much of problems like this is because "compromise" is a dirty word?

Broken security is "compromised".
Embarrassing photographs or information is said to be "compromising".
If you fail to live up to your principles you have "compromised" your integrity.

Is it any wonder that people don't want to come to a "compromise" over sex?

__________________
Can you rokker Romani chib, pal?
Aye, aye, brother!
What's Weshenjuggalslomomengreskeytemskeytudlogueri?
I don't know what you say, brother.
Then you don't jin Romani chib...

Mavash.

I went to lunch today with a supposed LD friend. We discussed this thread. She said and I'm giving a direct quote "she's just not into him". Why? Because she never liked sex with her soon to be ex husband of 10 years but LOVES it with her now boyfriend.

That may not be what's going on - I'm just saying it's possible. The OP professes love for her husband but what kind of love is it? It's not physical...obviously so what is it? Brotherly? Friend-like? Or is it just a simple matter of being asexual or repressed? Or is she just not into him THAT WAY. We may never know the answer to that.

hookares

Look out for the "hate" accusers on this subject.
I suspect it's possible that this may be true in the OP's relationship, but have no way of knowing. It would be a shame for the two of them to waste valuable years trying to fit a square peg into a round hole, but it does happen.
At the same time, I'm sure that I contributed to the mess that was my marriage other than financially, but since we split, I have had no problem getting women to appreciate my efforts other than a few were interested in long term whereas I harbor no long range plans.

Browncoat

This thread will never die.

Pretty much just three camps:
1. Side with Marie, think she should reduce to 1x/month
2. Believe Marie and her H should compromise (looks like that's what she is going to do)
3. Side with her H, that she should try and keep up her current sexual pace.

I like camp 2. Long live camp 2.

Catherine602

Would that life were so simple. One cause > one effect. That never happens in nature and certainly not in human relationships.

There are a number of reasons why one partner may not want to have sex. One thing that is never mentioned in these discussions - sexual satisfaction.

The HD partner wants frequent sex because it is good for them but not so good for his/her partner. It is not hard to imagine the sexual frustration watching a partner have an orgasm while getting nothing.

Another is relationship problems and yet another not meeting a partners needs. Not what you think the other person needs but what they feel they need.

No longer being attracted or never having been sexually attracted are two among many. Your so called LD friend is really not LD. She seems to have a normal sex drive that may have been killed by relationship problems.

__________________
"Hey some guys need a book to find the G-spot. It was intuitive for me. Some take the road less travelled." Enthropy 3000

Havesomethingtosay

I am no longer responding to MarieJa as she imo just is too damn lost, immature and unwielding regardless of what she says.

However I can't help but weigh in on the thread.....

She refuses any suggestion of professional help, doesn't understand the chasm the two currently face, is 0 for 4 with men where she has never really felt "it", thinks her husband is the greatest, smartest most understanding man in the world and all will be fine when she delicately tells him that 90%+ of the time he just doesn't do it for her.

I don't know her and am only commenting on what I read, but one very telling fact is her claiming at the worldly age of 2 her and her husband have already decided not to have children. I am no bible thumper and certainly am one of the first to say kids are work, money, time consuming and the source of many a fight, but when one makes this declaration at age 25 I hasve a pretty good idea what I am dealing with.

ladybird

You have to compromise. Either that or her will get what he needs else where.

SprucHub

This is exactly the point! The "HD" person lives his/her life not knowing whether the "LD" person is just different or just does not love them. I.e., the "LD" person just has LD for me and a HD for my efforts, work and money, and maybe a HD for the next comer.

And it is very difficult to conclude that the "LD" person is just different because love means happily doing thing to make the other person happy. Not having sex with your spouse, not liking sex with your spouse, or resenting having sex with your spouse (regardless of what you would choose to do if you were not married) implies a lack of true love and respect.

Going Mental

NoraJane, "just doing it" needs to be put into context of what else is said in the book suggested. It is actually really enlightening reading about how couples deal with their sexual differences. I for one, had often felt resentful & used. I used to be happy with once a month while my H would have it 5 times a day if he could! Trying the "just do it" technique, and it really is about giving with absolutely no expectations in return, not only gave me a renewed interest in sex generally, it also gave me the confidence to start discussing the issues that were affecting my libidio. Ok so those issues have now lead to trial separation, but H is facing up as am I and we are slowly but surely working towards R. What sex there has been since "just doing it" has been almost as good and in some ways better than the first 5 years of our marriage.
Other people would take away something else completely different from that book, it really gave me another way of looking at the sex part of long term relationships.

DTO

The answer to both, for me, is no.

I did make accomodations, large and small, for her. In fact, I made them cheerfully - a loving spouse does not say "well if you really must...". I think the almost all good spouses do this.

That's why the OP's attitude bothers me. I take her claim of low libido at face value as I have no reason to believe otherwise. But, at some point, she was stunned that cutting back on sex might cost her. She believes he makes no such sacrifices and only does what comes naturally. That is asking for problems.

I don't feel I need to get my way 100% to connect or be happy. I recognize that any relationship is between two individuals who are not always in sync. But, I do need to know that it is a real partnership, which means that both partners don't expect to get more than they put in (and ideally they would value the other as much as the self).

ETA:

See the disconnect? She feels the she is the only one who "forces" it. She rejects the idea that he does the same and clearly expects him to remain the same. If (when) she cuts back and her DH does change, he likely will be accused of retaliation (by withholding something easily provided).

The fact that she sees sex as outside the scope of marital give and take compounds this issue.

Catherine602

I am truly sorry that you have had such a difficult relationship. However, I still think that a nasty swipe at this poster is unhelpful for you or her.

You can see that there is a big difference between your situation and this posters. My comment was to bring out that point, forcefully.

__________________
"Hey some guys need a book to find the G-spot. It was intuitive for me. Some take the road less travelled." Enthropy 3000

Mavash.

Bingo. She was never physically attracted to him. And that started a cycle of relationship problems which ultimately led to him cheating and their impending divorce.

I could give you specifics as to WHY she wasn't attracted to him but does it really matter? The point is she just wasn't into him sexually. It happens.

Beowulf