Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?
Mary,
My favorite quote is from an Elmore Leonard novel. This guy is in an apartment with his long time girl friend. He is about to leave to go do something dangerous, and he is on a tight schedule. She says to him "I'm sorry we didn't get to make love today".
And he looks over at her and replies "I'm always making love to you". And the way he portrays this character, is not a "sappy/romantic" type. He is a bit low affect, and not super talkative. And he totally loves this woman.
And when I read that 20 or so years ago I thought, "that guy is my role model".
Quote:
Originally Posted by mary35
I am going to take a stab at this, cause I can relate to MarieJa. I was a LD for more than 20 years of my married life. However, I have also experienced the HD for the past several years so I can also relate to the HD side of this topic.
MarieJa, I think I understand what you are describing and what you mean when you talk about your feelings about your body, because I felt the same way. Most of the time this was my thought process (unless like you said, I happened to be horny too - which was not often). "Why do you need my body for the sex part. Use your hands or do whatever to take care of this need. For now, just leave me out of that very small part of what is in every other way a very good marriage." Does that resonate with you MarieJa?
Most of what I have to say has already been said, but in rephrasing it, I hope someone it helps.
1. MarieJa - It is hard for a LD and a HD to understand each other unless they walk in each others shoes. The others thinking process is like a foreign language and is incomprehensible to the one who does not know it. However, just because you don't understand it and it does not make sense to you, does not mean what they say is not real. You may never understand how a HD male feels or thinks, no matter how hard they try to explain it, in the same way they may never understand how you feel. However, because you are married, it is very important that BOTH spouses TRY to understand and take at face value what the other SAYS they feel and need. And then try to work together so that BOTH spouses feelings are accepted and needs are met. This takes communication, hard work, love, compromise, and forgiveness.
2. If you are resenting something, you should stop doing it! Period! However, if stopping something now causes your partners needs to not be met thus causing resentment on his part - you still have a problem in the marriage. You need to try to figure out what is causing the resentment on your part and figure out a way to not have resentment but still meet his needs. And the same goes for him. This is where the communication, hard work, love, compromise, and forgiveness comes in!
3. Usually, as human beings we will do something for others because 1. it benefits us - or 2. there is a consequence for not doing it. Right now I believe you are having sex because you are worried he will leave you if you don't. In other words you fear a consequence. And you are feeling no benefits from having sex. You don't want it, you don't need it, you don't care about an orgasm on your part, its a lot of work to fake it, and your relationship is good anyways. So whats the point? After all - he can still have an orgasm and take care of this "need" with out you being involved. Does that describe how you feel MarieJa? There are benefits, but you just don't recognize them or see them as a benefit yet. I thought my marriage was good in the earlier years when we didn't have sex often. But now that I see what it is like when we do have it often, I have realized how wrong i was. Our marriage was not good - and it wasn't really a marriage. We co-existed, we co-parented, and we were friends. But at the time I was happy with that. MY needs were being met! His needs were not,. I didn't really understand that - just like you don't. In fact, I didn't really even see sex as a real need for him. I felt it was a want - and a selfish want at that because it made me do something I didn't want to do.
This takes us back to what i said about not understanding how the other feels - but accepting it is so if they say it is. I didn't buy into what my husband expressed to me about his sexual needs. My husband stuck it out with me in my LD state. However - it did cause resentment on his part and it did affect our relationship in so many ways. Hind site is 20/20.
In the past several years I have experienced the HD on my part and times where hubby was LD. I now fully understand the hurt, the feelings of rejection and self esteem issues, and of course the resentment I cause him for so many years, because I have now experienced it first hand. It is real and it is very very painful.
So MarieJa - what does all this mean for you? I think you already recognize the problem your different sex drives can cause in your marriage - otherwise you would not be here. I think you love your husband dearly and really want to work this area of your life out so that both of you are happy and your marriage stays good. However, I think there is a part of you that really wishes the answer could be that your husband meet his needs without your help or participation if possible. I know I felt that way for years. But alas, experience, my own and others, tells me that it really won't work out that way. You are going to have to work with your husband - communicate, listen, and make compromises. Thats just how it works in a marriage.
BTW - There is invaluable information in many of the above posts.
Read them - reread them - and read them again. Read them with your husband and use them as discussion openers. Mem11363's posts are especially pertinent to your situation. I think his wife posts on here so you may want to pm her directly (correct me if wrong Mem). She is definitely one who has found a good way to handle her LD and his HD issues. You can tell by the way he adores her!!!!
Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?
Phantom,
You have created this monster and are now feeding it raw meat - making it ever more aggressive.
There is only one proper response to that type of comment. An icy rejection of the offer. That is best accomplished via the smallest possible number of words and a high degree of body language. So either:
"No" - in a firm tone of voice. Followed by dead silence and leaving the room. or
"What did you just say to me", followed by dead silence no matter how she responds.
Because the subtext of the interaction you actually had went like this:
Her: "I don't want to do this, I want you to know I don't want to do it, but I bet you don't even have enough self control to walk away if I tell you that in an insulting manner".
You: "I am willing to trade my self respect, and your respect for me, to have bad, rushed, sex with someone who is being deliberately cruel to me".
If I pulled some stunt like that with my W, she would tear out my heart and bite it. If she pulled it with me, she would expect me to:
- Reject the "non - offer"
- Drop her to the bottom of the priority stack and leave her there until she came to her senses and begged forgiveness
I have never considered emotional castration an enjoyable form of foreplay. But hey, thats just me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by phantomfan
If you consider "compromise" to be ok I'll do it, but I'm going to have a rotten attitude, not really reciprocate and make sure you know about it, yeah we compromise. I'm pretty sick and tired of that brand of compromise. The reality is my wife thinks sex is a chore and that meeting my needs is a chore she'd rather put off.
I'm expected to do my "chores" with a good attitude but not the other way around. I don't personally have the attitude that meeting her needs is a chore, its what I should do and I do it with the right mindset. Its about what she needs, not about what I feel like doing. Without an attitude change as far as I'm concerned we could have sex every night and it not mean a damn thing to me.
We went to see a therapist recently. That was a complete waste of time. I brought up the issue. I chose a woman therapist specifically to be more receptive to a woman's point of view. She was defensive, turned off to listening and wanted me to defend her. She's not interested in hearing how I feel or resolving the issue. She tells me I don't communicate with her. I am not god's gift to speech but I can communicate when given a fair opportunity.
I've told her many times that the rejections hurt and she acted like it was the first time she's ever heard it when I said that again in therapy. I'm the one with major issues in her mind. She's the perfect communicator and everyone likes her. She pays attention and reads people so well. She thinks she treats everyone well, especially those who treat her well. That is not true either but that's another story.
We had sex last night. There was no lead up and I really wasn't in the mood. I was told, you got 10 minutes, hurry up and lets get this over with. It was pulling teeth to get a decent kiss from her and when done, back to doing her thing. I was reminded at least three times that she "crossed sex off the list" and was now doing (whatever else). As far as I'm concerned, I would have rather masturbated. At least when I have sex with myself, I have a partner interested in me.
For Marie, I wasn't suggesting a compromise per se, but a resolution. A compromise can be part of the resolution. In my case there are things I will not compromise on anymore. The attitude is one. You love me enough to drop the attitude and treat me right or you don't. You want to have a marriage that is built on friendship so do I. You don't get to the 40-50 year mark by treating your spouse like I've described above. In my situation, I've said sex is not the problem, its a symptom of a larger issue. For me, I'm willing to dig and pull out the weeds to move on. I think THAT is the best course of action for her as well. Get to the bottom of what is causing the mismatch and resolve it. The sex should become a non issue once it is no longer a tool, a weapon or something to be resentful over.
Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Catherine602
That is what I cannot begin to understand. It is one thing to refuse and make an excuse but quite another to go out of her way to humiliate. The question is, what is the message she gives? I remember in another thread that men felt woman think they have moral superiority.
Could this be what they are talking about? By her actions, his wife is saying, his need for sex is trivial and something she "gives" him when when she is in the mood to humiliate him. Sex is for men and they are contemptible for wanting it.
I think you've hit it. "Contempt" is probably exactly right in some cases, but I suspect it might be a bit strong in a lot of others: distaste, distain, or the way that an older child looks at a younger child's game might be closer. Something you wouldn't "lower" yourself to indulge in, except when you have to (like an older child told to play with a younger one).
Quote:
This is perverse, no? If she were single and looking she would be getting dolled up to attract a man. Here she has a man who knows her and still desires her living right in her home. What would it take for her to see the irony in that? Maybe when he gets a chance to walk away, has an affair, stops wanting to have sex with her?
It is ironic, isn't it? But then, a lot of people I suspect convince themselves that they can put up with something they dislike / disdain in order to have the other good things in a marriage. Many probably really believe they will come to like and that "love will conquer all".
Other see it as an "occupational hazard" - if you want a husband / wife, they will expect sex. You can avoid or minimise it, but it's still there. It's something you have to deal with and accept the consequences of.
The irony that in order to get into a marriage, a person pretty much has to be sexual, whilst it's something they would actively prefer to avoid is quite stunning.
Quote:
Marie what do you think of this? You are not being contemptuous of your husband overtly. It may be covert though. You can get aroused, if you want but it annoys you so you control it. What is wrong with sexual arousal?
Could you be contemptuous of people like your husband who seems to enjoy sex? He actively seeks sexual arousal for himself and you. Is your resentment mixed with contempt and a feeling of superiority that you are not conscious of?
A lot of people are deeply uncomfortable with being in any way, shape or form out of control. Whether it's sex, adrenaline rush or whatever, they need to be in total control at all times.
They might also feel superior, via a perception that lack of control is something that they not only don't like in themselves, but disdain in others, but not necessarily.
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Can you rokker Romani chib, pal? Aye, aye, brother!
What's Weshenjuggalslomomengreskeytemskeytudlogueri? I don't know what you say, brother.
Then you don't jin Romani chib...
__________________
Can you rokker Romani chib, pal? Aye, aye, brother!
What's Weshenjuggalslomomengreskeytemskeytudlogueri? I don't know what you say, brother.
Then you don't jin Romani chib...
__________________
Can you rokker Romani chib, pal? Aye, aye, brother!
What's Weshenjuggalslomomengreskeytemskeytudlogueri? I don't know what you say, brother.
Then you don't jin Romani chib...
Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Catherine602
Phantom if your wife was willing to come to a compromise with you simular to what we are advising Marie, would that work for you?
I ask because of posts like Tacoma seem to be saying that anything less than what the man wants, is too little regardless of what his wife may want.
My question is to HD people- do you resent having to make any accommodations for the person you love?
Do you feel emotionally connected or loved only when you have sex at the frequency that you want, no matter what you partner wants?
Catherine,
I hope you know that I really respect your posts, and your voice for women who come to this site with sexual problems in their life. I have to say that this thread, given the circumstances, strikes me as more of a trainwreck coming than a situation where a couple can hope that compromise will salvage the marriage.
There is a post where a guy who has been married for 20 years says that his wife has never been attracted to him. Take this same scenario, but have the wife just say that she is low drive, and it is a completely different situation, where there might be real hope to find compromise. But lets step back away from the truth that has been proposed, then accepted on this thread, that a low sex drive in either sex can be divorced from their level of attraction from the spouse. I would imagine that even the experts might end up arguing over the contention that this same woman might not respond differently to another partner.
Here though, we are telling a 25 year old woman that compromise is the solution, when it is highly unlikely that any man or woman on the receiving end of that news from the low drive spouse will be able to accept that "compromise" will be the status quo for the rest of their life. They are virtually starting the marriage with one partner being asked to put his desire for his wife, not some abstract entity called his "sex drive", but his desire for his wife on the shelf. Do you really think that MariaJa or any woman at 25 would be able to set her husband down and tell him that sex WITH HIM leads to resentment? Some variation of the truth is usually used. The most jaded of us call this "stringing them along".
The reality is very likely that a short time ago, he was looking forward to marriage with a woman who might have told them that she has "this little issue" with sex, but both of them believed that their marriage was going to be an expression of their desire for each other. Even if he is kept from the truth, and his wife meets his needs with resentment, he will notice.
But my real point is that it is hard to accept that a 25 year old, early in the marriage, can really have the sure confidence that this is a low drive situation, and not just a result of marrying someone who met other needs, but she just wasn't attracted to him. I find that incredible that this can be accepted so easily, and then some posters even make the husband out to be the bad guy if he wants to be able to express his NEWFOUND love for the woman of his dreams. Isn't it more realistic to expect those sacrifices in a more mature relationship? Regardless of the tough love speech the posters here will give him, what are the chances that a young man will really weather this situation past the point where he realizes that there is no real evidence that this isn't just a matter of his wife having no attraction for him?
I do recommend compromise. But I emphatically recommend complete honesty with the husband about her feelings. As a human being, he deserves the truth so that he can make a decision on the facts, and not what the OP chooses to tell him because "she just knows that he is a better man than the men who have replied to this thread".
Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Catherine602
Phantom if your wife was willing to come to a compromise with you simular to what we are advising Marie, would that work for you?
I ask because of posts like Tacoma seem to be saying that anything less than what the man wants, is too little regardless of what his wife may want.
My question is to HD people- do you resent having to make any accommodations for the person you love?
Do you feel emotionally connected or loved only when you have sex at the frequency that you want, no matter what you partner wants?
While I cannot speek for all HD people but I can say without a doubt yes I can compromise. My wife it turns out was abused and has BPD. She was under the impression that nothing was wrong. I forced her hand into going to IC and MC before I found this out so at that point my attitude has changed (It is a lot differnt when you know something is wrong). I no longer initate with my wife, I let her come to me. The fact that I know there is a problem instead of "nothing is wrong" or "its your problem" went away, and she is attempting to show she loves me in other areas makes a HUGE differnce. She now realizes it's not the sex that was missing, its the visable lack of effort to make me feel loved that was the problem. After a month on her meds and her 5th IC appointment, she walked through the door gave me a big wet kiss and her exact words where "I am so sorry for being such an unloving c*nt for the last few years" (her words not mine). In short, its the visable effort to make me feel loved that matters and a compromise is showing that effort.
Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?
Hey,
Some time has passed since I last visited here, and I thought to update.
Our relationship has improved! We have talked about the lovemaking issue, and it turns out that I just need much more hugging and other non-sexual contact than sex itself. When I have that, I don't so much mind having sex also.
To each his own, I guess?
We do not have sex so often anymore, though. My husband took my complaints seriously, and he doesn't want me to grow resentment.
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Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often? 
