I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?

Jellybeans · 04-13-2012, 10:38 AM

Marie--have you always felt this way about sleeping with him or is it something new???

Did you have a lot of s ex before?

The fact is... he is going to resent you if this keeps up. And once resentment sinks in, so does a loss of respect and then the cracks start becoming bigger, and well, you know the rest.

Recipe for disaster.

How would you feel if he DID meet someone who desired him sexually?

Mavash. · 04-13-2012, 10:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by marieJa

There is nothing he could do that would make me leave him

I don't believe this for a second. There are PLENTY of things he could do that would make you leave him you are just being blind to it.

You married him for some reason....what was it? Companionship? Well then what if he ignored you. Security? What if he quit working?

Your views are limited. Think about this for a minute seriously. Why did you marry him?

Jellybeans · 04-13-2012, 10:39 AM

And.......how are things emotionally? Do you feel emotionally connected to him? Is he loving/affectionate/there for you?

so now what? · 04-13-2012, 10:40 AM

I think most men would be more than satisfied with getting it 3 times a week....I sure would...

Jellybeans · 04-13-2012, 10:41 AM

^ My exH always said that wasn't enough. He told me he was going to find someone to sleep with cause it was so few times. LOL. (and he did).

Mavash. · 04-13-2012, 10:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by so now what?

I think most men would be more than satisfied with getting it 3 times a week....I sure would...

She will stop it the minute she can. She's still young and thinks it's what she has to do to keep him. Let 3, 5, 10 years go by and I promise you she WILL get to that once a month goal. Read TAM there are plenty of miserable sexless people here. And it started out just like this.

Trickster · 04-13-2012, 10:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jellybeans

AlreadyGone--what changed with your wife that she stepped it up?

I ignored her. I did the 180, I started to sleep in the spare bedroom, I stopped trying to hug her (she didn't hug me in return). I still done my part around the house: cleaning, cooking, dishes, laundry... What reall freaked her out was when I stopped complaining. She also saw me reading marriage books. I told her something is wrong and I wanted to fix my part. She still hasn't even opened a book yet. She saw me slipping away. I took up some hobbies as well as trying to spend more time with my daughter.

She has stepped up and has changed all for me. Although she seems to enjoy sex lasts for too long and I know it's painful for her. I can't help that. When I go slow, I last even longer and for her its "hurry up and be done with it... I am sleepy"!

that_girl · 04-13-2012, 10:43 AM

It's sad. No one gets married to be celibate.

Beowulf · 04-13-2012, 10:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by marieJa

Oh, we do have it 3-5 times a week. I love him, so I want to give it to him.

But it weighs on me - you high drive people have no idea how it feels to give your BODY half-unwillingly to ANYONE.

It feels awful.

Oh, I do go to work 3-5 times a week. I love her so I want to give her things. Bit it weighs on me - you highly motivated people have no idea how it feels to give your TIME half-unwillingly to ANYONE.

So how would you feel if he said this to you?

Jellybeans · 04-13-2012, 10:46 AM

Mavash--why did you like my comment above? Lol.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Already Gone

I ignored her. I did the 180, I started to sleep in the spare bedroom, I stopped trying to hug her (she didn't hug me in return). I still done my part around the house: cleaning, cooking, dishes, laundry... What reall freaked her out was when I stopped complaining. She also saw me reading marriage books. I told her something is wrong and I wanted to fix my part. She still hasn't even opened a book yet. She saw me slipping away. I took up some hobbies as well as trying to spend more time with my daughter.

She has stepped up and has changed all for me. Although she seems to enjoy it, it last for too long and I know it's painful for her. I can't help that. When I go slow, I last even longer and for her its "hurry up and be done with it... I am sleepy"!

I am glad to hear things are working between between you guys. See, compromise goes such a long way!!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by that_girl

It's sad. No one gets married to be celibate.

Well judging by some of these threads, TG...

so now what? · 04-13-2012, 10:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by that_girl

It's sad. No one gets married to be celibate.

agreed

Aristotle · 04-13-2012, 10:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by marieJa

What weighs on me is this compromise that only I have to do in order for us to stay together.

There is nothing he could do that would make me leave him, but there is this one thing he would leave me for.

That's why it feels like a chore, most of the times.

It's not what he could do, it's what if he decided he didn't want to do anymore, except maybe once a month. I am positive if he decided to stop doing something you love, even if its something as small as laughing at your jokes, except one time, once a month, you'd eventually leave him. Your compromise is about you wanting to STOP doing something which played a big part in him possibly marrying you for in the first place.

Guys do not get married to never have sex again.....

Although....

Jellybeans · 04-13-2012, 10:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Aristotle

It I am positive if he decided to stop doing something you love, even if its something as small as laughing at your jokes, once a month, you'd leave him.

Especially after you have voiced that it's something you LOVE and he did not do it. Or, if you told him he was doing something you did not LIKe that made you feel HURT/invalidated and he continued to do it (cause that is what you are doing by not sleeping with him)........

Nothing breeds resentment more than WILLFULLY and INTENTIONALLY NOT meeting your partner's needs/meeting them halfway.

Ick.

Beowulf · 04-13-2012, 10:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wifewifewife

sex drive is not something we have a lot of control over.

I completely disagree. Sex drive is something you definitely do have control over. Its that control that has many men living in sexless marriages. Studies have been done that prove women physically are more erotically responsive than men. But their minds overrule their bodies most of the time. Sex drive is most assuredly a choice.

Beowulf · 04-13-2012, 10:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by marieJa

Some very good points here...

My main problem is that I am afraid that I'll lose him. I have been carrying this resentment for more than a year now, and it isn't getting any better.

So, in clear words: I am being an understanding wife, seeing what he needs and giving that to him - while I myself become more and more unhappy in our marriage. When I married him I knew I should compromise, but what I didn't know was how bad it feels to try to want to have sex, forcefully, so that our marriage would survive.

I don't want our marriage to be like that! Maybe I am naïve, but I don't think it is a good marriage where the other feels forced to do something so that the other would stay.

(And no, of course he has never forced me to do anything. That is how I feel, anyway. And also others think that way - as one of the comments here was that if I go on my way and have sex only once a month, our marriage will fail.)

Actually, I am VERY willing to give him a BJ as often as he wants. Maybe I could talk him into it... Obviously, he doesn't like it as much as he can't please me that way. But maybe if I told him that I don't want to be pleased that way so often anyway? Would it be awful to hear that?

Have you thought about seeing a sex therapist?