Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?
I'm curious about the pre-marital sex life question as well...
So if sex is that unimportant to you, you wouldn't mind him outsourcing it to someone else then? Someone who finds him attractive, sexual, and doesn't mind "cleaning up" after? So long as you get yours once a month, it should all be good, right? Because sex has nothing to do with building and maintaining an emotional connection... And it IS your body, so you're entitled to do what you want with it. But by the same logic, he should be able to take HIS body out to the local meat market and have wild kinky monkey sex with whatever skank he finds interesting...
It IS a reasonable expectation that once people get married, there will be a "healthy" sex life, in my opinion. After all, you vow monogamy, not celibacy. At at once a month, you're flirting with a sexless marriage. Give you another 5 years, and I wouldn't be surprised that you're down to once every six months.
My recommendation... Figure out what's going on. Hormonal birth control (or hormone issues in general) can wreak havoc on your sex drive. Have you had that checked out, to ensure there's nothing physical causing the issue?
Just my thoughts... Marriage is a whole lot of compromising we do to maintain a relationship with someone we love and chose to be with. If you can't work out a compromise on an issue, that's where the big conflicts occur.
Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?
Quote:
Originally Posted by PBear
I'm curious about the pre-marital sex life question as well...
So if sex is that unimportant to you, you wouldn't mind him outsourcing it to someone else then? Someone who finds him attractive, sexual, and doesn't mind "cleaning up" after? So long as you get yours once a month, it should all be good, right? Because sex has nothing to do with building and maintaining an emotional connection... And it IS your body, so you're entitled to do what you want with it. But by the same logic, he should be able to take HIS body out to the local meat market and have wild kinky monkey sex with whatever skank he finds interesting...
It IS a reasonable expectation that once people get married, there will be a "healthy" sex life, in my opinion. After all, you vow monogamy, not celibacy. At at once a month, you're flirting with a sexless marriage. Give you another 5 years, and I wouldn't be surprised that you're down to once every six months.
My recommendation... Figure out what's going on. Hormonal birth control (or hormone issues in general) can wreak havoc on your sex drive. Have you had that checked out, to ensure there's nothing physical causing the issue?
Just my thoughts... Marriage is a whole lot of compromising we do to maintain a relationship with someone we love and chose to be with. If you can't work out a compromise on an issue, that's where the big conflicts occur.
C Posted via Mobile Device
sometimes once a month is all the mate can give at the time...life is full of changes....you just never know what will happen...
Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?
Quote:
Originally Posted by so now what?
sometimes once a month is all the mate can give at the time...life is full of changes....you just never know what will happen...
Um, you're deluded.
Unless there is a medical problem or a locket on her vagina that only opens up 1 day a month, she CAN give it more than "once a month."
It's clear from your posts you think not having sex is fine and that is your opinion but the point you are missing is he wants to sleep with her and she won't do it. Meaning one half of the marriage partnership is not having needs met. That spells DISASTER.
That is like starving a child who is hungry. And not only that, it's like not even wanting to feed them the 1x you do since you consider it a "chore."
Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?
Quote:
Originally Posted by marieJa
It seems guys cannot get my point here.
It is not that I have decided to not to want sex. I don't want it. I don't think about it, except that one to two times a month. It is not a choice. It is very annoying to pretend to want it, then actually want it, then do it, then clean the sheets - all with my own body that is mine, not his.
Just like there are different hair colors, there are different sex drives. Mine is low.
Other than my feelings about having to have sex, our relationship is amazing. We are very connected, we make each other laugh, we flirt, we do plenty of little gestures to make the other happy... The list goes on.
Hi marieJa ~
There may be different sex DRIVES, but there are also different sex DRIVERS.
So, I generally have a much lower drive for sex than my H. He has a lot of testosterone that as a woman I wasn't blessed with, so he has much more spontaneous desire. That's a fairly normal drive profile for a lot of couples. It took me a while to accept myself as being normal ... in that my viewpoint of it and sexuality didn't make any sense in being compared to his, nor does it make sense the other way around. We are each unique, and as such, we had to first accept that we were each as individuals normal, and we had to accept that the other was also normal. When we got to that point, we really started to be able to connect with each other on a different plane.
You can have a lower drive for sex...but you can also have a high desire to connect with, please, and give to your spouse (that's the DRIVER within you that is high.)
I may have a lower drive, but I have a much, much higher desire to please and to give ... and that is was makes the difference. My body is not just mine ... it is also his. His body is not just his ... it is also mine. Our bodies and our lives are inter-twined.
You mentioned you had resentment ... if so, then there is not just all peaches and cream in your relationship. The resentment is slowing poisoning it.
What are you resentful of? Having to be accommodating?
Do you get no emotional fulfillment out of sex? Are there other areas where you seek emotional fulfillment from him and he isn't there for you?
Have you actively engaged him in conversation about how you feel?
The first step toward a resolution is to try and get ahold of your resentments, and to honestly communicate your feelings and desires and fears to your husband. If you can't do that, then yah ... sharing your body will be difficult ... because before you can truly do that, you have to be able and willing to open yourself up and share your heart as well.
Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?
Quote:
Originally Posted by marieJa
It seems guys cannot get my point here.
It is not that I have decided to not to want sex. I don't want it. I don't think about it, except that one to two times a month. It is not a choice. It is very annoying to pretend to want it, then actually want it, then do it, then clean the sheets - all with my own body that is mine, not his.
Just like there are different hair colors, there are different sex drives. Mine is low.
Other than my feelings about having to have sex, our relationship is amazing. We are very connected, we make each other laugh, we flirt, we do plenty of little gestures to make the other happy... The list goes on.
Do you think he feels that way about your connection? I am just wondering how well you hide your resentment over having to have sex all the time. I also wonder if he would consider your your connection all that and a bag of chips if you only had sex once a month.
Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?
Marie, do your husband a favour and let him find someone sexually compatible. Most people couldn't be in a relationship with someone with your drive. And you're only 25?! imagine what will happen as the years go by
Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?
Quote:
Originally Posted by marieJa
It seems guys cannot get my point here.
It is not that I have decided to not to want sex. I don't want it. I don't think about it, except that one to two times a month. It is not a choice. It is very annoying to pretend to want it, then actually want it, then do it, then clean the sheets - all with my own body that is mine, not his.
Just like there are different hair colors, there are different sex drives. Mine is low.
Other than my feelings about having to have sex, our relationship is amazing. We are very connected, we make each other laugh, we flirt, we do plenty of little gestures to make the other happy... The list goes on.
If only he was gay or a girl huh?
In marriage its about the word "us", not me or mine.
Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tall Average Guy
I also wonder if he would consider your your connection all that and a bag of chips if you only had sex once a month.
"all that and a bag of chips."
She is basically giving him a pity fvck 1x a month. He has to know she's not into it. No person would be happy with someone doing something just to appease them, who felt it was a "chore." So not cool/loving/healthy.
Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?
Pretty soon he'll stop coming for it too because he'll hate feeling rejected or "pitied".
Then the detachment begins.
And the late nights at work just to not come home.
Sad situation.
There are times when I'm not thinking about it at that moment, but Hubs gets all cute and enticing and I get into it. I love making him satisfied that way and I love how vulnerable he gets with me. It's precious and only for me. I treasure it.
sometimes once a month is all the mate can give at the time...life is full of changes....you just never know what will happen...
You're right, sometimes that is the case. Sometimes less often than that. But when someone is choosing not to have sex with their partner, rather than not being able to... That's a big difference. Same as someone choosing to be unemployed rather than trying to find a job and being unable to. It's not like the OP CAN'T have sex with her husband, she just doesn't want to.
Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jellybeans
Um, you're deluded.
Unless there is a medical problem or a locket on her vagina that only opens up 1 day a month, she CAN give it more than "once a month."
It's clear from your posts you think not having sex is fine and that is your opinion but the point you are missing is he wants to sleep with her and she won't do it. Meaning one half of the marriage partnership is not having needs met. That spells DISASTER.
That is like starving a child who is hungry. And not only that, it's like not even wanting to feed them the 1x you do since you consider it a "chore."
Omg.
I don't think not having sex is fine...I do think that sometimes other things are more impt than how often you have sex....
Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mavash.
Fair enough.
So lets say he's decided to ONLY make you laugh ONCE a month, ONLY flirt once a month, and ONLY do ONE gesture a month....how would you feel then?
Would your relationship still be so amazing?
What a ridiculous argument.
All those things are something that we already are without having to work for them UNWILLINGLY. I give him everything + sex. Why isn't the everything enough? Why is sex a must?
He is a lovely person. For me, he could just continue being the way he is, and I would love him. I would never make him do something against his will.
We had sex in a similar fashion before marriage. We talked about this issue, and we thought that our drives would eventually get closer to each other.
I'm not on any medication, nor have I any other issues. Believe me when I tell you that I just have a low drive.
Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?
Quote:
Originally Posted by PBear
I'm curious about the pre-marital sex life question as well...
So if sex is that unimportant to you, you wouldn't mind him outsourcing it to someone else then? Someone who finds him attractive, sexual, and doesn't mind "cleaning up" after? So long as you get yours once a month, it should all be good, right? Because sex has nothing to do with building and maintaining an emotional connection... And it IS your body, so you're entitled to do what you want with it. But by the same logic, he should be able to take HIS body out to the local meat market and have wild kinky monkey sex with whatever skank he finds interesting...
It IS a reasonable expectation that once people get married, there will be a "healthy" sex life, in my opinion. After all, you vow monogamy, not celibacy. At at once a month, you're flirting with a sexless marriage. Give you another 5 years, and I wouldn't be surprised that you're down to once every six months.
My recommendation... Figure out what's going on. Hormonal birth control (or hormone issues in general) can wreak havoc on your sex drive. Have you had that checked out, to ensure there's nothing physical causing the issue?
Just my thoughts... Marriage is a whole lot of compromising we do to maintain a relationship with someone we love and chose to be with. If you can't work out a compromise on an issue, that's where the big conflicts occur.
C Posted via Mobile Device
I felt the like button didn't do it enough justice so I wanted to extra extra like this one.
333Likes
Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often? 
"all that and a bag of chips."
