Tall Average Guy

I suspect there is a real disconnect with their perceptions. She sees it as this ultimate sacrifice that she is giving him her body so often. He sees it as her going thorough the motions and not really caring. In some ways, very similar to a person volunteering for a cause, then half-@$$ing it the whole way and wondering why people are not grateful for their donation of time.

It is really not healthy for either of them.

that_girl

Well, do what you do and keep up this attitude about sex- Only having it when YOU want it.

But don't be shocked when it becomes a HUGE problem.

It's your marriage, not ours.

__________________

so now what?

No need to be sarcastic....she is looking for help here...

Jellybeans

Divorce him.

You do not care about him, well not the way he wants to be cared for.

The issue here is YOU are fine with the status quo. He isn't.

Sucks for him royally.

It's not a ridicuous argument that was made. It's The Truth. If you told your husband you were unhappy with him doing X and he KNEW it and continued to do it, it would NOT make you happy.

__________________
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Letter to OM/OW

Beowulf

Actually Marie said she is having sex with him 3-5 times a week but is building up resentment over having to share her body with her husband when she only wants sex once a month. I think she needs to figure out why she is building up resentment toward her husband when she should be elated over providing him a loving connection to her.

Tall Average Guy

So I will just reask what PBear did:

Would you be fine if he found someone else for the sex, and let the rest of everything be great? If not, why not?

As for why is sex a must, reread my first post on why many men need sex in marriage.

Jellybeans

Bingo.

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Letter to OM/OW

SprucHub

I completely get and understand your point. What I do not understand is why, and that is what people seem to be asking. It is very typical for women to not have a sexual desire. Many women in this situation get turned on by the act, but are not desireous of sex independent.

When I say I do not understand why, I mean why is sex different than anything else that a spouse would do for the other spouse? What is it about sex that makes you unhappy. It must be more than that you would not want to do it independent from your marriage. There are lots of things that I do for my wife that I would not do if we were not together. I do them happily because I love her and it makes her happy. If sex is not painful or too inconvenient, and you know it makes him happy, what is it that makes you unhappy.

Sex is really not just the act. It is, for a man, a women saying I am attracted to you, I desire you. For men this is a component of love, if my wife does not want me sexually, then she is really just a friend who I work really hard for. But sexual rejection (which includes pity sex or chore sex) says just the opposite - I am not attracted to you, do not desire you, and (in the context of marriage) do not consider you a priority.

If you will take as big a leap as to trust the members of this board (as well as numerous authors, counselors, psychiatrists, etc.) that being desired is an emotional need for a man, and that infrequent sex makes a man feel undesired, maybe you can see that he is not being selfish. That the likelihood that he would leave if you stopped having sex is because it is an emotional need of his that is not being met.

The best analogy I can think of is to say picture your relationship exactly as it is, except that he called you fat or ugly 20 days a month, and pretty and beautiful 1 day a month. Would you feel pretty? Would you feel respected and loved. Would your needs be met. Sexual rejection is this level of cruelty. It is emotionally destructive (I have first hand knowledge).

So again, what I do not understand is if you have this magic key to your husband's happiness, what is it about using it that is so unpleasant?

that_girl

I'm not being sarcastic.

People are giving advice and she says she's fine.

So...ok. No one can help her then if she just wants to argue about it.

Not wanting sex (low drive) is a problem with someone who wants it more often. She wants to argue that it shouldn't be. But it is, that's just how it goes.

At some point he'll resent her attitude about sex.

Then what? What will he do? Who knows.

So...it's her marriage. Not ours. What is sarcastic about that? I feel she came here thinking people would be on her side about it. I think she thought people would applaud her for her sacrificing her body when she doesn't feel like it. Like she is the victim here.

But it's HER MARRIAGE. We don't know her marriage other than what she wrote here. Hopefully her husband is ok with things and there won't be any problems...but that's not usually the case.

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Beowulf

I'm sorry but this is an extremely selfish post. Just because you don't consider sex that important is no reason to dismiss its importance to your husband. The argument is not ridiculous. Its just that you are too focused on your needs to see its relevance.

And you do not have the right to say what is work for your husband and what is not. When you want to talk about your day but your husband is tired and would rather watch TV but sits and listens to you...that is not work? And how much "work" is it to have sex and show love and an emotional connection to your husband?

so now what?

it was the way in which you said it....

Cherry

Okay then, why don't you just go to once a month and see what happens? Why are you even asking for advice? You don't want to increase your drive, you want your H to decrease his.

You make it sound like your H is raping you for wanting to have sex with you beyond what you want... You are bringing these resentments on yourself because you are the one having sex with him. The next time he is horny and wants sex, just say no. See where that get's you.

that_girl

This is the internet. Sarcasm is read in ways it wasn't meant to be.

It's ok.

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Beowulf

I didn't take it to be sarcastic. But then again I've probably read 7,556 of that_girl's 7558 posts....oops 7559.

lol

Jellybeans

GREAT analogy.

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