frustr8dhubby

It wasn't sarcasm it was TRUTH. And honestly, she isn't asking for help, she is asking for affirmation.

She is right, it is her body and if she doesn't want sex, stop having it. She has EVERY right. But there WILL be consequences, either now or down the road...

marieJa

THANK YOU.

I see that I have to want to have the sex / fake to want to have the sex in order to be a good wife & make him stay with me.

Tall Average Guy

No, just remember that if you reduce the sex, the relationship will change.

Again, if you do that, are you okay with him having sex with someone else while you remain married?

Jellybeans

Dude. You're so wrong. If you think FAKING wanting to have sex with your husband "makes him" stay with you, you are in for a RUDE awakening.

If that is TRULY how you view sex with him, then just leave him.

Or he will leave you.

Or you will both be miserable. Well maybe not you since you are fine with the status quo. But he won't be happy

marieJa

Still, we are doing it at least three times a week.

I have actually brought up a possibility of a lover. He told me he could never do that - he loves me too much.

frustr8dhubby

marieJa,

This is going to sound harsh and I apologize but listen to your post. You are a fraud. You don't have sex with your husband to "make him stay". You are missing the entire point of everyones comments. You should want to meet his needs because you love him and therefore he wants to stay.

"make him stay" sounds like he is imprisoned. If it is truly making you miserable, get out and release him as well. You won't feel the resentment and he will hopefully find someone that truly desires him and wants to meet his needs.

I am telling you this because I am living it. My wife and I have a terrific relationship as you describe but she has no drive and zero desire for me and it is killing me slowly.... (faster now after 8 or so years of this...)

chillymorn

Ok I have some honest questions.

were you brought up in a household where sex was never talked about or was thought to be dirty and wrong?

have you explored masterbation and have you learned what you like and don't like?


have you comunicated to your husband how you like to be aproched for sex?

do you read romance novels?(they sometime give an unrealictic idea about real life sex just like porn dose)

do you orgasm when having sex with your husband?

After you get started most women say they get into it and then wonder why they were reluctant to begin with?

are you happy with your body image?
are you happy with his body image?
do you respect him?

would you be willing to seek professional help?
would you be willing to read selfhelp books about marriage?

frustr8dhubby

He says that now. Give it 5-10 years...

Enchantment

Hi marieJa ~

Okay, you are getting a lot of heat here. I'm sorry about that.

Do you actively engage your H in conversation about how you feel?

The only way that you and your H will get through this is if you are open to each other. If you can't be open about it, then you will start to feel like you do ... resentful of the situation. Eventually that resentment is what will cause things to fall apart in your marriage.

Are you afraid that your husband will leave you? Are you insecure in his love and devotion to you? If so, why?

Sex should be a mutually enjoyable experience ... and you should be able to get to a reasonable frequency that works for both of you if you are both willing to work toward that end. Is he willing to be compromising as well?

Best wishes.

__________________

Enter these enchanted woods, You who dare. ~ George Meredith

Tall Average Guy

I think marieJa is getting heat becuase the only positions she seems willing to entertain are sex on her schedule or martyrdom. There has not been a lot of "couple" thinking in her posts.

Having said that, I think Enchanted is spot on in that you need to discuss this. Is there a compromise? Your posts don't seem to indicate one, but if you had sex once a week with a couple of BJ/HJs thrown in, would that be acceptable without resentment? Have you suggested this to him and gotten his thoughts?

eagleclaw

Actually yes. This is exactly the difference between a really good friend and a wife/mate. The intimacy and sexual connection. You should either be doing it because you want it, or you want to do it for him because you love him. Your current schedule of two or three times a week is fine as long as you are coming across as enthusiastic and not begrudgedly.

You have a fairly uniform response here from everyone - but you are unwilling to hear it as you would like to convince us otherwise.

It comes down to this. If you seriously feel "violated" being intimate and having sex with your husband then you have some issues you need to deal with. He sounds from your own description as a very loving, responsible, caring, affectionate man. And your relationship sounds like what many people would kill for. You are a lucky woman.

However, should you decide to treat him more as a friend - the very best result you will get is that he will become one. A more likely outcome is the relationship will fail and you will both move on.

And your odds of finding as "GOOD" a man, that has as low a sex drive as yourself are probably about 1000000 to 1. So unless your really happy with cats I would think your best interest is to enjoy a very good sounding relationship with a very good sounding husband.

Who obviously loves you very much.

Aristotle

A similar fashion, which is 3 times a week (what you say you are doing now, even though you hate it). Not once a month. So yes, you are taking something away from him, no matter how you try to word it, if you are trying to justify ONCE A MONTH. Which is what the analogy meant. Taking something away that you have been doing since you met him.

Also, everything + sex?

An "everything" without sex, intimacy, caring for your spouses needs and happiness, and a lot of self centered behavior is a pretty crappy "everything". You have a lot to work on.

eagleclaw

Yup, that's not even a good friend. What she describes is a friendship with a very occasional booty call. A marriage it does not make.

Browncoat

Just getting caught up on this thread, but my wife feels the same way you do marieja. She wants sex about 4-6x a year... the rest of the time she'll have sex with me, but frankly she'd rather be doing anything else... and I mean anything.

I can tell when she's not into it vs when she is, and I have verbally confirmed on what I pick up on, so it's not just my imagination. From my perspective as the husband I accept the sex and appreciate the effort put in... still it feels hollow.

I know in my head that she loves me, but in my heart I feel empty and rejected... almost all the time and it eats at me (we've been married for ~15 years now). For the first 12 years I took it and just put away those feelings, but over the past 3 they have really been a struggle to deal with.

So my feedback is this, go see a sex therapist (we just finished our 2nd session today). Get at the heart of the matter before you end up breaking your husband's heart.

frustr8dhubby

Browncoat, would you mind if I PM'd you?