Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?
Quote:
Originally Posted by marieJa
I surely hope that I would develop a higher drive over years. I have heard that it happens to women when they approach 40...
Unfortunately you cannot bank on that (and he may not wait or you may keep just building resentment). My wife had a fairly good drive early in our relationship, pre-children. Hers has been in the tank for several years and she is now 45...
That isn't to say that I haven't caused some of it too but if that is the case she isn't telling me why.
Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?
I couldn't get through all these posts on this thread, but LionelHutz wrote early on, in marriage there is compromise. And in this case I think it would definitely apply - the OP says she would be happy with once a month, but they are doing it 3-5 times a week... And neither of them are probably getting complete fulfillment out of those 3-5 times a week. If they compromised on twice a week and started practicing that kind of pace, I suspect the OP's libido would come back a little stronger, would feel that she could happily give herself more than once a month (her desire for it right now is conditional on her getting much more sex than she wants) I also think that her H would probably react well to both her increased enjoyment from the slightly more restricted schedule plus the extra days are more time for him to be more seductive and have a chance to build up some sexual anticipation and foreplay. Just my opinion.
Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?
One thing to keep in mind. Your husband sounds sensitive and thoughtful. Be careful how you frame this..... if you tell him your resentful and violated for years having sex with him and only ever wanted it once a month..... well those are words that he will NEVER forget and will have long reaching consequences. You definately need to talk with him... just be careful the words you use and how you describe things.
Explaining that you love to pleasure him but don't need it or desire it as often yourself sounds a lot different to a guy than...
I feel violated and resentful over the frequency I must be there for you....
Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?
Quote:
Originally Posted by PBear
So if sex is that unimportant to you, you wouldn't mind him outsourcing it to someone else then? C Posted via Mobile Device
That is what I told my wife. Just like the OP... She never thought of sex. I didn't tell her that I would cheat. What I did tell her that if she didn't want the sex, I will stop pushing and I would look elsewhere. I guess that was threatning to cheat. I even told her I would be happy to leave.
Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?
Quote:
Originally Posted by that_girl
Pretty soon he'll stop coming for it too because he'll hate feeling rejected or "pitied".
Then the detachment begins.
And the late nights at work just to not come home.
Sad situation.
There are times when I'm not thinking about it at that moment, but Hubs gets all cute and enticing and I get into it. I love making him satisfied that way and I love how vulnerable he gets with me. It's precious and only for me. I treasure it.
That was when I did my 180. I stopped all interest with my wife I worked later, I took up hobbies. Eve sleeping in another room.
Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?
Quote:
Originally Posted by marieJa
I am realizing that I should talk more with my H about my feelings concerning this issue.
The idea of a compromise also sounds good - I guess I wouldn't feel this way if I hadn't gone ALL the way to meet his needs. I also suppose that this is the reason why I am only talking about Me instead of Us - it has been only me who has dealt with this whole issue. I only wanted to make him happy and content; I didn't think that I would become resentful of it.
One thing I did not see in your posts (and I apologize if I missed it) was giving him an opportunity to compromise. You seem to have done it on your own, and now are resentful that he does not make a sacrifice. If accurate, I am sure you can see how that is not fair to him or your marraige. Work on being open with him so that you both can figure these things out. It can help you avoid resentments. I raise this because you are here and it is a positive step you can take. Best of luck.
Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?
Quote:
Originally Posted by marieJa
So everyone here thinks that I should just share my body even though I don't feel like it?
... but what no one seems to see here that sharing a body is a different thing than e.g. cleaning the house or doing any other kind of a favour. It feels like a violation of own space and identity.
Unless I want it too.
I know exactly what you mean, and I agree. Your body is yours, and you should never do something which makes you feel violated. But normal healthy married sex should be something that you desire and it should never feel violating.
Do you have a history of child sex abuse or some form of sexual assault?
Sometimes you won't be thinking about sex but then your husband initiates. Is it then a violation to you if you have sex? To me there is an unhealthy disconnect if you are seeing sex as something unpleasant or something you are doing against your will.
Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?
Marie,
As I wrote before, My wife is just like you. YOUR thread is more interesting than mine though. Its the same though. If I didn't know better, I would think that YOU ARE MY WIFE...From her point of veiw. That would be a hoot!
Even though we have sex more than ever before. We have had more sex in the past year than the pervious 18 years combined, She does so out of fear of me walking out of our marriage. I am a good hardworking, healthy handsome man. I have NO FEAR leaving the marriage.
Sex is huge.
I heard on TAM months ago from another poster.
You can have sex without marriage. But you can't have a marriage without sex.
My wife still feels the way you do. Yes it is 3-4 times a week. But....I don't feel she desires me. She is a good actor. I do so much oral and take care of her first. I WANT TO PLEASE HER IN EVERY WAY POSSIBLE. Then she will do the chore of taking care of my needs.
We have a great relationship in most other ways othe than normal married stuff. Mostly, I want her to desire me.
Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?
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Originally Posted by Already Gone
We have a great relationship in most other ways othe than normal married stuff. Mostly, I want her to desire me.
I agreed with everything you just said AG. 100%. Especially this last part.
My head knows I'm loved, my heart only feels emptiness and wants more. Talk to your husband, you may find that he feels the same way. If he doesn't know, don't be surprised if someday he does feel that way.
Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?
Quote:
Originally Posted by marieJa
I am a low libido female, 25 years old. I feel the need for sex once in a month (a week before my period). Otherwise, it never comes to my mind, and I mean NEVER. And I'm happy with that!
My husband is the opposite. It might be one day of a month when he doesn't want sex (sex for him is equal to pleasing me). He is a gentle and generous lover, always putting my pleasure first: he could give me oral for hours, he makes sure I get many orgasms etc. And he enjoys every second of it - he calls it the best way to express his love for me.
But I just don't need that kind of an attention that often! I do need it sometimes, but only sometimes. I would MUCH rather enjoy other kind of pleasure from him, like a back rub, but NO. He wants to give me sex. And when I don't initially want it but I do it for him, the whole act feels like a chore. When I do want it, it is great. But I want it so rarely (well, I don't feel it is too rarely for me, but for him, it is).
I guess our ways of expressing love are very different. I wouldn't mind pleasing him, but to give one's body to someone when you don't want it yourself is not a pleasant feeling at all.
So - what to do? Continue having chore-like sex (so that he gets what he wants), or have it once a month (so that I get what I want)?
I am realizing that I should talk more with my H about my feelings concerning this issue.
The idea of a compromise also sounds good - I guess I wouldn't feel this way if I hadn't gone ALL the way to meet his needs. I also suppose that this is the reason why I am only talking about Me instead of Us - it has been only me who has dealt with this whole issue. I only wanted to make him happy and content; I didn't think that I would become resentful of it.
I surely hope that I would develop a higher drive over years. I have heard that it happens to women when they approach 40...
Keep in mind that both of you are already compromising. You want it once a month, your husband wants it 30 times a month. A split down the middle is say, 16, which works out to 4 times a week.
My STBXW also never hit a sexual peak. Or if she did, she never told me. My GF, however, is a one a day girl at 43. So I wouldn't count on things improving just because. Also keep in mind the lull that often goes along with having children and parenting. I'm just saying that people can't just things will magically right themselves; all aspects of marriage are work and require effort and compromise from both spouses.
Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?
marieJa - as a high libido husband with a sometimes low libido spouse I can understand why the board tends to ride you about being happy just giving your husband sex. But I doubt that is what your husband really wants or likes.
I don't want sex 20 times a month if 19 of those times my wife is not into it and just doing it to be nice to me. Every now and again I can understand - but I want the kind of sexlife where my wife is into it - into me.
So my proposed solution for you is this - find out what increases your libido. Find out what turns you on. And then make yourself get turned on so when you are with your husband you are in the mood.
Only you can figure out what that is - it could be something simple like reading a book that arouses you, watching something on TV/Internet, wearing something etc.
Or it could be something out there - either in a fetish way or something non-sexual that makes you happy and turns you on.
Thats what a giving and loving spouse should do in my opinion. Find the passion within you. It's probably there - you know it is once a month - so you have something to build on!
Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?
Quote:
Originally Posted by PBear
Keep in mind that both of you are already compromising. You want it once a month, your husband wants it 30 times a month. A split down the middle is say, 16, which works out to 4 times a week.
My STBXW also never hit a sexual peak. Or if she did, she never told me. My GF, however, is a one a day girl at 43. So I wouldn't count on things improving just because. Also keep in mind the lull that often goes along with having children and parenting. I'm just saying that people can't just things will magically right themselves; all aspects of marriage are work and require effort and compromise from both spouses.
Good luck! Posted via Mobile Device
Indeed.
Ask him if he wants it more. I assume he'd happily say, YES PLEASE! He has already compromised and probably does it ever other day because he feels guilty as is.
I am sure you do not have to ask him if he wants it more though. You already know the answer.
Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?
Quote:
Originally Posted by marieJa
I am realizing that I should talk more with my H about my feelings concerning this issue.
The idea of a compromise also sounds good - I guess I wouldn't feel this way if I hadn't gone ALL the way to meet his needs. I also suppose that this is the reason why I am only talking about Me instead of Us - it has been only me who has dealt with this whole issue. I only wanted to make him happy and content; I didn't think that I would become resentful of it.
I surely hope that I would develop a higher drive over years. I have heard that it happens to women when they approach 40...
Marie - this sounds much more healthy than " I have to fake it to make him stay." Your problem is not unique. I recommend the book Sex Starved Marriage - the first chapter is free on amazon and the author's website. If you and him read this in conjunction with your discussions, you can understand each other. Also 5 love languages, while hokey and incomplete will also help you understand how other people understand love.
Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?
Quote:
Originally Posted by marieJa
I am realizing that I should talk more with my H about my feelings concerning this issue.
The idea of a compromise also sounds good - I guess I wouldn't feel this way if I hadn't gone ALL the way to meet his needs. I also suppose that this is the reason why I am only talking about Me instead of Us - it has been only me who has dealt with this whole issue. I only wanted to make him happy and content; I didn't think that I would become resentful of it.
I surely hope that I would develop a higher drive over years. I have heard that it happens to women when they approach 40...
I find this fascinating. I have never been in a relationship with a low drive woman and my wife was/is more than happy to make love to me as frequently as I desire.
Nonetheless, I seriously doubt you are giving your husband all the sex he desires as you seem to think. If you think your hubby doesn't sense reluctance in you, you are nuts. A compromise is in order; but, your previous post of stating "why should I give him sex, it's my body" is telling of a much greater problem. I can see his response,"why should I share my paycheck with her, it is my work"? Marriage is a partnership and it isn't just YOUR body. You gave it to him when you agreed to be married. Be careful how you approach him on this issue. I know that I would likely set you free to seek your happiness with someone else if you came out with the I have been feeling forced to have sex with you and feel resentful. Maybe you should see a sex therapist.
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Re: I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often? 
