marieJa

I am a low libido female, 25 years old. I feel the need for sex once in a month (a week before my period). Otherwise, it never comes to my mind, and I mean NEVER. And I'm happy with that!

My husband is the opposite. It might be one day of a month when he doesn't want sex (sex for him is equal to pleasing me). He is a gentle and generous lover, always putting my pleasure first: he could give me oral for hours, he makes sure I get many orgasms etc. And he enjoys every second of it - he calls it the best way to express his love for me.

But I just don't need that kind of an attention that often! I do need it sometimes, but only sometimes. I would MUCH rather enjoy other kind of pleasure from him, like a back rub, but NO. He wants to give me sex. And when I don't initially want it but I do it for him, the whole act feels like a chore. When I do want it, it is great. But I want it so rarely (well, I don't feel it is too rarely for me, but for him, it is).

I guess our ways of expressing love are very different. I wouldn't mind pleasing him, but to give one's body to someone when you don't want it yourself is not a pleasant feeling at all.

So - what to do? Continue having chore-like sex (so that he gets what he wants), or have it once a month (so that I get what I want)?

canttrustu

Wow. Have you always been this selfish? Im not trying to be nasty but its a serious question.

"So what to do? Continue chore-like sex(she he gets what he wants)or have it once a month(so I get what I want)? "

If you are giving it to him once an month and he is still a generous and gentle lover then the question is what have you done for him lately...or ever?

tacoma

Trust me, if your husbands idea of sex is pleasing you he doesn't want chore like sex.
In fact if he knew he'd be hurt & insulted
The point to him is your pleasure and the intimacy he gets through the physical.

I don't know what to tell you, I have no idea how to increase your libido but you have no clue what this does to your husband.
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Lionelhutz

You are married. I would hope the answer would be obvious. Compromise.


On the days, when you aren't in the mood, is it possible to simply please him in some manner perhaps in conjunction with some of the non-sexual things for you like a back rub etc?

marieJa

Oh, we do have it 3-5 times a week. I love him, so I want to give it to him.

But it weighs on me - you high drive people have no idea how it feels to give your BODY half-unwillingly to ANYONE.

It feels awful.

Tall Average Guy

I don't want to attack you, so let's try to look at it a different way. Reread what you have read, but replace you with your husband, and replace sex with some bonding activity that you absolutely love and need often but you know your husband is just not that into. How would you feel? How would you address it? What actions would you expect your husband to take?

Also, would it help you to know that sex for many men is not just a physical act, particularly within marriage? It is a very emotional connection that involves love and acceptance by their partner. Consider reading up on this (one book I have seen recommended is the Proper Fare and Feeding of Husbands) to get a better understanding of what might be happening.

Finally, get a copy of the His Needs Her Needs worksheets available on the web to better understand what both of you need. Getting balance on meeting each other's needs may help you to solve this. For example, if he was willing to have more none sexual physical initmancy (cuddling, messages, etc.) would you be open to more frequent sex?

Tall Average Guy

Again, flip this around. On the days when you were into it, how would it feel if your husband clearly did not want to be there, and was just going through the motions? I suspect that he knows how awful you feel about it.

Again, not trying to attack, just wanting you to see both sides. It is good that you love him enough to want to figure this out. Remember that him wanting you is inherently a good thing.

Thor

Having sex with the ceiling inspector is really bad. He will resent you for it.

You have no obligation to have sex with him more than once per month. But if you are not able to have frequent healthy enthusiastic sex with him, your marriage will not survive.

marieJa

So everyone here thinks that I should just share my body even though I don't feel like it? I can perfectly see the situation from my husband's point of view (the reason why I have been having sex with him too often for my taste), but what no one seems to see here that sharing a body is a different thing than e.g. cleaning the house or doing any other kind of a favour. It feels like a violation of own space and identity.

Unless I want it too.

wifewifewife

I don't think anyone should be calling you selfish. Not everyone has the same sex drive, and sex drive is not something we have a lot of control over. You have a good lover in a husband, and if you are having sex three times a week, I think that is generous of you under the circumstances. Many men would be thrilled if their wives were willing to have sex three times a week. Of course if it's a chore to you, that's not good, but are there rewards for you? The more I have sex with my husband, the more cheerful he is, the more likely he is to try to please me in other ways (like helping around the house), and the more likely he is to give me things like a back rub. As for your original question, although I feel that no woman should have sex if she doesn't want to, I'd try to continue with at least twice a week and think of it as rewarding in other ways. Also, you are young. Your sex drive will likely increase as you approach 40, and his might wane as he gets older - look on the bright side - you might meet in the middle in ten or fifteen years!

wifewifewife

You do make a good point, and I understand what you mean. I feel that way too sometimes. But it's a marriage, and for men, marriage means sex. So the men here just aren't going to get that, nor is your husband.

Tall Average Guy

I am really not sure how you got that from my posts. I am not telling you to do anything. What I am trying to do is get you to see that sex is a very important component to many men in a marriage. You deciding to only do it when you want to will cause big issues. I can't tell you if it is worth it, but I do want you to go into it with your eyes open.

Also, how is sharing your body different than sharing your deepest thoughts and fears? Both leave you vulnerable. What if that is what you needed, but your husband refused to do that because he did not want to? How would that affect your marriage.

Edit - Let me ask what advice you are really seeking? You say you can perfectly see his side, but it sounds like that does not matter enough because you just don't want to have sex as much as you do. It is your body, and you are certainly entitled to do with it as you want. But there may be consequences to that, including your husband pulling back and/or leaving because you cannot or will not meet some of his needs. It is up to you to balance those probabilities and outcomes. I wish you luck with your decision.

lovesherman

MarieJa:
Listen to the advice here. It is crucial to the strength and happiness of your marriage. What important need does your husband fulfill for you? Financial support? Household tasks and repairs? Time spent together doing enjoyable things? Gifts for you? Being a good father? What if he said that he did not see why he should do these things? He just didn't feel like it, and it was a chore that he chose to ignore.

When one person discounts the need of their spouse in a marriage, that relationship will slowly wither and die. I know that you may have trouble understanding why this is the same as sharing your body with him, but it truly equates to love for him. When you have sex with him, you are validating his masculinity. You are saying that you desire him. You are giving him warmth and comfort. You are telling him how special he is.

We women are so lucky that we can offer our love to our husbands. It is a great gift to them, and we should not discount the power that we have to create a deep relationship.

Marriage is not being rommates. It is the only relationship in life that includes sex. Some much of sexual desire is mental. Have you imagined yourself as a sexual being? Do you have any fantasies that you can conjure up with your husband? Movies or romance novels?

I am glad that you have posted here. It helps to see a path to expressing your love for your husband with your body. It has power like nothing else to bond you together.

Aristotle

His attention and mind are probably in a million places when other women talk to him, but when it's you, he looks and pays attention. I'd hope.

His mind is worth just as much as your body, in my honest opinion. I'd argue the mind is worth much more. You do things because you love him, love to please him, and love to see him happy. He also pays attention, gives attention, and tries to please you because he loves you, wants to please you, and loves to make you happy. If sex doesn't make you happy, let him know you'd rather only orgasm once a month. However, holding of his orgasm, intimacy, and need to be physical with you is like you saying, "I love you" and him saying... "I will love you later, maybe, if you are lucky.... once this month..."

This post is equivalent to a guy posting, "Why can't I just say and show my wife I love her only once a month, even if she wants to see and hear me say it all the time? "

chillymorn

why not give him an enthusastic oral ending with a hand job on the days your not up for it and he is. If you are enthuastic about it it prob wouldn't even take 10 mins.