My desire is gone..
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 04-13-2012, 11:42 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My desire is gone..

Hello, I hope you are all having a great day so far.

My name is, Kelly.. I'm new to this website and I feel blessed to have found it.

I am in need of advice, badly. I have been married 9 years and we have one son, who is four. We had a son in 2003 and lost him when he was a month old, which was very tramatic for us. After having our second son, who is healthy, my husband and I talked about having a vasectomy and decided to schedule the procedure. We thought it would be best for us because we didn't want to press our "luck". We had a healthy son and that's what we wanted. The problem is, I changed my mind BEFORE his surgery. I knew we were making a mistake, but nothing I said convinced him to not go through it. I feel hurt, betrayed, and used. I have been spilling my heart out to him for the past 3 years and it hasn't helped. At all. My resentment towards him is ruining our marriage. Sex, well lets just say that I'm not interested. After all, he changed my life and my sons life against my wishes.

Please, someone advice me if my feelings are normal. I can't live like this anymore.
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Old 04-13-2012, 11:55 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My desire is gone..

Please expand a bit on why you feel "hurt betrayed and used." What is it about his actions (both the vasectomy and others) that makes you feel this way?

Also, it seems like his wishes are not to have another child. What are your thoughts about that?

I think having a bit more of this information would help the advice you might get.
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Old 04-13-2012, 12:05 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My desire is gone..

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kelly51280 View Post
Hello, I hope you are all having a great day so far.

My name is, Kelly.. I'm new to this website and I feel blessed to have found it.

I am in need of advice, badly. I have been married 9 years and we have one son, who is four. We had a son in 2003 and lost him when he was a month old, which was very tramatic for us. After having our second son, who is healthy, my husband and I talked about having a vasectomy and decided to schedule the procedure. We thought it would be best for us because we didn't want to press our "luck". We had a healthy son and that's what we wanted. The problem is, I changed my mind BEFORE his surgery. I knew we were making a mistake, but nothing I said convinced him to not go through it. I feel hurt, betrayed, and used. I have been spilling my heart out to him for the past 3 years and it hasn't helped. At all. My resentment towards him is ruining our marriage. Sex, well lets just say that I'm not interested. After all, he changed my life and my sons life against my wishes.

Please, someone advice me if my feelings are normal. I can't live like this anymore.
sounds like you guys agreed and then YOU changed your mind .

so your wishes are more important than his.
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Old 04-13-2012, 12:08 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My desire is gone..

Hi Kelly ~

Yes, I would say your feelings sound normal. It would be a normal reaction to feel somewhat betrayed by your spouse if they purposefully went and did something against your wishes. Note that he could likewise feel somewhat betrayed if you changed your mind at the last minute and weren't supportive. It's definitely a two-way street there.

This is a tough one, though. Because going out and sterilizing yourself is usually a very big issue that is fraught with a lot of emotion in people ... and the fact you have lost a child (I'm VERY sorry for that) may make it that much more poignant.

But, you do control and have a choice as to whether you let it sit inside of you and fester around ... building up resentment day by day.

Did you and your H go through any kind of grief counseling after you lost your child?

Do you feel that your husband is over that loss? Are you?

Do you try and talk with your husband about how you feel? If so, how does he respond?

Has he ever tried to talk with you about how he feels?

If there's been very little conversation together about how you both feel about the loss (the loss of a baby and now the loss of any potential babies and the lose of cohesion/support for both of you in your marriage), then maybe trying to start the ball rolling on those types of conversations would be helpful.

You might want to consider whether seeing someone (e.g., a therapist) together could help you especially if you both have a history of holding things in and not communicating. Or if your husband adamently refuses, then going to a few sessions yourself to be able to work through your feelings on what is a very sensistive issue.

Best wishes!
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Old 04-13-2012, 12:11 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My desire is gone..

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Originally Posted by chillymorn View Post
sounds like you guys agreed and then YOU changed your mind .

so your wishes are more important than his.
They agreed, and then before the surgery, she changed her mind... If anything he should have agreed to hold off on the surgery for a little bit to discuss it in more detail. If I had doubts about my H up until we were sitting in the waiting room, he would get up and walk out in an effort to help me sort out my feelings about this kind of procedure.

Kelly - Are you wanting another child?
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Old 04-13-2012, 12:18 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: My desire is gone..

Normal feelings yes, in that you have a valid reason to be resentful... but it's not healthy at all (as I'm sure you'd agree). One of the ladies on this forum posted this quote and I thought it was amazing:

“Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” -- Malachy McCourt

You need to let go of that resentment, else it will just eat you up. The best way is to talk about it to someone, perhaps a counselor, religious figurehead, relative, etc... but talk to someone about it.

One option you still have open to you is artificial insemination, and in some cases vasectomy can be reversed. Have you discussed those options with your husband?
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Old 04-13-2012, 12:43 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: My desire is gone..

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Originally Posted by Tall Average Guy View Post
Please expand a bit on why you feel "hurt betrayed and used." What is it about his actions (both the vasectomy and others) that makes you feel this way?

Also, it seems like his wishes are not to have another child. What are your thoughts about that?

I think having a bit more of this information would help the advice you might get.
Okay, I'll gladly give you more details.

We both talked about what we wanted in life.. His wishes were to buy hunting property, have a son, and live on a small ranch with a pond, so he could fish daily. He has it all, plus more.

Mine on the other hand were few. I always wanted a big family and to live in a big house, (Nothing fancy) that I didn't feel cramped in.

I know that WE decided for him to have the vasectomy, but, it was very soon after the birth of our second son, so a lot of it was hormonal. I realized we were making the decision too soon and knew that we needed more time to think things through. This is why, because I KNEW I wanted another child. The fact that he did it knowing I didn't want him to hurts me. I feel like if our son was a girl, he wouldn't have went through with it, that's were the used feelings come from. I wouldn't take him to his appt so he had his grandmother take him. Having a another baby means a lot to me and my son.. He's always asking about having a brother or sister because he is around his cousins and friends who have siblings.

Then there is the house.. We live deep into our city where we don't have neighbors. If he is so strong headed about having another child, I wanted to move into the city where our son can have neighborhood friends. He is lonely and I feel like a failure.


I feel like our marriage is one sided. He has the final word and that's it. He said he doesn't want to have another child because HE wants to retire early, but, it didn't bother him to spend a ton of money for property. Am I wrong for feeling like this? Shouldn't he have listened to me, when I asked him to wait?

Bottom Line - I want a bigger house in civilization, and another child and can't have either.

He made sure he got EVERYTHING he wanted.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read and respond. I sincerely appreciate it!
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Old 04-13-2012, 12:44 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: My desire is gone..

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cherry View Post
They agreed, and then before the surgery, she changed her mind... If anything he should have agreed to hold off on the surgery for a little bit to discuss it in more detail. If I had doubts about my H up until we were sitting in the waiting room, he would get up and walk out in an effort to help me sort out my feelings about this kind of procedure.

Kelly - Are you wanting another child?
Yes, VERY much so.
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Old 04-13-2012, 12:48 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: My desire is gone..

Thanks for answering my questions. I do have a couple of more.

It sounds like you discussed your differing views of family size and life at some point. What resolution had you reached at that time? Also, is living in the city something you mentioned earlier, or is that mainly a product of only having one child?

Also, what is the difference between listening and agreeing? Is it possible that he did listen, but did not agree? Would that make a difference?
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Old 04-13-2012, 01:05 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: My desire is gone..

Just curious if you've considered artificial insemination, adoption, and/or surgery to correct the vasectomy? (I asked earlier but either I missed the answer or it wasn't)

I understand where you are coming from Kelly, it's hard when one of the things you want most out of a marriage isn't coming to pass. It really hurts deep down inside.
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Old 04-13-2012, 01:07 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: My desire is gone..

Quote:
Originally Posted by Enchantment View Post
Hi Kelly ~

Yes, I would say your feelings sound normal. It would be a normal reaction to feel somewhat betrayed by your spouse if they purposefully went and did something against your wishes. Note that he could likewise feel somewhat betrayed if you changed your mind at the last minute and weren't supportive. It's definitely a two-way street there.

This is a tough one, though. Because going out and sterilizing yourself is usually a very big issue that is fraught with a lot of emotion in people ... and the fact you have lost a child (I'm VERY sorry for that) may make it that much more poignant.

But, you do control and have a choice as to whether you let it sit inside of you and fester around ... building up resentment day by day.

Did you and your H go through any kind of grief counseling after you lost your child?

Do you feel that your husband is over that loss? Are you?

Do you try and talk with your husband about how you feel? If so, how does he respond?

Has he ever tried to talk with you about how he feels?

If there's been very little conversation together about how you both feel about the loss (the loss of a baby and now the loss of any potential babies and the lose of cohesion/support for both of you in your marriage), then maybe trying to start the ball rolling on those types of conversations would be helpful.

You might want to consider whether seeing someone (e.g., a therapist) together could help you especially if you both have a history of holding things in and not communicating. Or if your husband adamently refuses, then going to a few sessions yourself to be able to work through your feelings on what is a very sensistive issue.

Best wishes!
Thanks so much for responding.

We lost our son in 2003. My husband and I went through a VERY rough time dealing with our loss, but We made it, barely. We were blessed with our second son in 2008 and he is Healthy, Thank God!

I have poured my heart out to him about my feelings and why I want another child. I told him that my feelings of resentment are starting and I don't want to feel this way, but I do. The thing is, IF he could give me reasons other than, "I want to retire early" or "we can do more now" I wouldn't feel so mad. But those are the reasons he gives me! It's about money with him.

I feel like I'm missing out, like there is a BIG piece missing. As my husband, he should want to make me happy. He has everything he wants (these words came from him) and I don't. Having another baby is in my heart and on my mind all the time and it's eating away at my soul.

Please, I feel so lost.
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Old 04-13-2012, 01:15 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Browncoat View Post
Just curious if you've considered artificial insemination, adoption, and/or surgery to correct the vasectomy? (I asked earlier but either I missed the answer or it wasn't)

I understand where you are coming from Kelly, it's hard when one of the things you want most out of a marriage isn't coming to pass. It really hurts deep down inside.
I'm so sorry, I didn't answer. I asked him about all of the above and he made it very clear that he didn't want to adopt or do the reversal. I don't understand! He isn't open to anything. At all!

Thanks so much for understanding. It's extremely hard and the pain it's causing is unbearable at times. My heart aches for a baby and he doesn't care enough to give me another baby.
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Old 04-13-2012, 01:21 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: My desire is gone..

Your husband is definitely giving selfish answers back. Does your husband love spending time with his son?

Ok I'm going to project and rant here a bit. So feel free to skip if you want, but I'm on your side Kelly so indulge me. Perhaps some of what I will say will be of use talking to your husband.

We have 4 kids (2 girls, 2 boys), and that's a number we both feel is right for us. The child that had the greatest impact in our lives was our first, by FAR. Once we had our first child, our lives changed from a couple who could stay out at night or do w/e we wanted outside of work to responsible parents.

Yes each additional child has been more effort, but it's also brought us so much more joy too. To be honest the amount of additional work dropped off with each child. Two children was just a bit harder than one, three not much more, and by four... meh really didn't feel a difference.

So yes our retirement maybe pushed back another 7 years because that's the difference in ages between our oldest and our youngest... heck maybe our retirement has been pushed back 10-15 years. Still I'd rather work for another 10-15 years and enjoy my children and any possible grandchildren.

Now getting back to your husband, yes he has to be on board with having more children. Still though, doesn't he love the time he spends with his son? Assuming he does, why wouldn't he think that he would enjoy more children, especially since it's breaking your heart to not even try?

Do material things really bring him that much joy? Because in the end that's what he's saying. I'd rather have more toys and work less than bring another joy into the world.

Ok sorry I'll get off my rant now. Kelly I really hope you can change his heart. You two should go to counseling about this.
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Old 04-13-2012, 01:27 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Quote:
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Thanks for answering my questions. I do have a couple of more.

It sounds like you discussed your differing views of family size and life at some point. What resolution had you reached at that time? Also, is living in the city something you mentioned earlier, or is that mainly a product of only having one child?

Also, what is the difference between listening and agreeing? Is it possible that he did listen, but did not agree? Would that make a difference?
We both agreed on having two kids.. We DID have two kids, but, one passed away. So, we should have a third, right? That's the way I see it, but, not him. Obviously. I have to pay the penalty for our son passing, TWICE. My reasoning for wanting to live in the city is because I want my son to have neighborhood friends and I want a bigger house. I feel like I deserve to get some things I've dreamed of... Right?
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Old 04-13-2012, 01:41 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: My desire is gone..

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Originally Posted by Kelly51280 View Post
We both agreed on having two kids.. We DID have two kids, but, one passed away. So, we should have a third, right? That's the way I see it, but, not him. Obviously. I have to pay the penalty for our son passing, TWICE. My reasoning for wanting to live in the city is because I want my son to have neighborhood friends and I want a bigger house. I feel like I deserve to get some things I've dreamed of... Right?
I just wanted to say I'm so very sorry for how you must feel Kelly. I really can only imagine how difficult this must be on you. I wish I could say something to comfort you.

Long story short, my H and I can't have anymore kids, well I can't, so my H got a V. I still have a longing at times for another child, and it can be strong.

I hope you can find peace and happiness one day.
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