Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Have not had sex with Husband for 7 and half years
Help Please I need good sound advise. I have been married for 24 years. I am 50 and my husband is 66 so he is 16 years older than me. But that is not an issue for me I do Love him very much. The problem is he will not have sex with me. Not just that there is no kind of tenderness at all we sleep in different rooms, he likes sleeping alone and in fact wont let me sleep with him. No kissing no hugging nothing. I have tried sexy clothes, talking, crying, begging and pleading.
He just says he has no interest in that kind of stuff any more, I did get him to go to the Doc for a full blood work up including male hormone and every thing was normal.
The worst part is I had ovarian cancer and had to have my female organs removed and he did take wonderful care of me while I was sick. After that I was doubting myself and needed to know if I could still enjoy sex. I would cry and beg him just to try that I needed to know if I could still function as a women. He would not even try and now it has been 7 and half years since he has touched me 2 of those years where before cancer. So my question is this. I am so lonely in this marriage do I leave him, even after he helped me get through cancer, do I stay with him and just accept the fact I will never have tenderness or sex again? I just don't know what to do cause I do love him so much, but don't think I will ever be happy with out tenderness. Thank You for any advice that you all may have
Re: Have not had sex with Husband for 7 and half years
Hi ty for your answer, not sure about the ED issue, I have asked him he says he wakes up sometimes with an erection. I have also asked if he would consider taking Viagra, he will not take it, he fears it will cause heart issues. I don't expect sex very often I know lot of men well into there 70s still have sex. Not just sex I am missing but the emotional closeness and tenderness that it can bring. Before this started he would only have sex about 2 times a year.
Re: Have not had sex with Husband for 7 and half years
Quote:
Originally Posted by llINDA
Hi ty for your answer, not sure about the ED issue, I have asked him he says he wakes up sometimes with an erection. I have also asked if he would consider taking Viagra, he will not take it, he fears it will cause heart issues. I don't expect sex very often I know lot of men well into there 70s still have sex. Not just sex I am missing but the emotional closeness and tenderness that it can bring. Before this started he would only have sex about 2 times a year.
I`m hoping to be one of those 70 year old men.
You`re going to have to find out what the issue is before you can fix it if you can fix it at all.
My first guess when a man acts like this is an ED issue.
We subconsciously equate our virility with our masculinity and if the penis isn`t working it can do some very strange things to our minds.
Many men simply give up on sex without telling our spouses why because of shame.
This (understandably) can drive a woman insane.
I`d do what I could to rule ED out entirely before investing any time on anything else.
Re: Have not had sex with Husband for 7 and half years
I'd ask him for a reason why he won't touch you. If he doesn't tell you one, or give you a reasonable answer I'd tell him that this has to end, and that you want him to go with you to see a sex therapist to try and get to the bottom of the matter.
Edit: Yeah looking into ED is definitely a good step. When you went to the doctor for the blood work did you ask for the blood work or for the doctor to check his sexual organs out for a reason behind the lower libido? If the later, seems like ED would have been something they would check for. I could be wrong though.
Re: Have not had sex with Husband for 7 and half years
TY for your answer, yes he had a full check up, every thing was normal. I have told him that I dont think I can go my hole life without sex or just tenderness, He said he does love me but will never be able to love me the way that I want, He says he just quit sex like he quit bowling and once he quits something he does not go back. Just so hard to go because I do care so much about him. We have raised our kids and once where happy. The past 10 or 12 years has been hard and lonely ever since he desided he did not like sex anymore. I have asked so many times if there was something he wanted, that I was not doing, he said no. I have asked for therapy he does not believe in it and cost to much money. I am just at a loss here. I have asked and done every thing that I can think of. I did talk to a counsler my self once, she said that emotional neglect was a form of emotional abuse. But I thought I would be married all my life.
Re: Have not had sex with Husband for 7 and half years
Wow, just wow. I can see why you are so conflicted, that's a terrible position he's put you in. It would be one thing if there was a medical reason why he wasn't having sex, but if it's just that he's done.... so sorry this is happening to you.
I hate to say it, but maybe a separation might give him a wake up call? Maybe you can still work things out, but something has to change. You've waited long enough (7.5 years), and you've let it be known that you want him.
In the end it's your call, it's too tough of a choice for anyone else to make for you.
Re: Have not had sex with Husband for 7 and half years
I think he has just gotten out of the habit of sex...He is not that old...Have you asked him to stimulate you?....Fingering and oral sex can be a satisfying substitute for full sexual intercourse....Let him know that you will awaken him along the way....Take care...
Re: Have not had sex with Husband for 7 and half years
I'd stay if I were you. In all honesty the relationship options, sexual and otherwise for women 50 and over are pretty slim. It's a bit easier for older men as they can often start a new relationship with a younger woman. But for older women it is much more difficult. Younger men are not interested and men in their 50's and 60's are very nervous about getting back into any kind of serious relationships because they fear women their age are just looking for financial security. This is often made worse by the man's children who fear a new wife will lessen their share of the father's assets so they pressure him to stay single and just date.
Better to try and find a sexual Buddy With Benefits you can see on the side rather than throwing the baby out with the bathwater. If you have female friends your age who have recently been widowed or divorced you should sit down and have a chat with them and you will find what I say is true.
Re: Have not had sex with Husband for 7 and half years
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr B
I'd stay if I were you. In all honesty the relationship options, sexual and otherwise for women 50 and over are pretty slim. It's a bit easier for older men as they can often start a new relationship with a younger woman. But for older women this is simply not the case. Better to try and find a sexual Buddy With Benefits you can see on the side rather than throwing the baby out with the bathwater. If you have female friends your age who have recently been widowed or divorced you should sit down and have a chat with them and you will find what I say is true.
First you say that it's hard for a woman in her 50's to find a new man. Then you say for her to stay in her marriage and just have an affair. Quite a contradiction there...
Re: Have not had sex with Husband for 7 and half years
Please do not stay in a marriage out of obligation. Yes, he helped you through cancer, thank God you got through it! But his complete lack of concern about your feelings is troubling. A wife should not have to beg and plead for sex or affection. Yes, he may be feeling like less of a man if his sex drive has depleted, but he is hurting you with his denial of basic affection.
Okay, he can't bang you like a 20 year old, but would a hug and kiss really hurt him that much to do for you? He is pushing you away, but only he knows why. He is succeeding if he wants you to go away. Think about what YOU want out of life, you only get one. You survived the scariest thing in the world, now live YOUR life on your own terms.
Your husband wants to sleep and be alone in his rocking chair with a blanket around his shoulders, that is his business. You don't have to join him in the old folks home.
Re: Have not had sex with Husband for 7 and half years
"First you say that it's hard for a woman in her 50's to find a new man. Then you say for her to stay in her marriage and just have an affair. Quite a contradiction there... "
No it is easier to find a sex buddy than a man willing to enter into any kind of serious relationship...but it is not that easy to find a sex buddy after 50 either. It is simply the better of the two choices for women in her particular circumstance. If she and her husband were constantly at each other's throats I'd advise her to leave. But if she just wants sexual intimacy she can find that, albeit with some difficulty due to her age.
Re: Have not had sex with Husband for 7 and half years
It sounds to me like ED is not his problem.
My now exH stopped having sex with him about 5 years ago. He told me that he just could not finish any more (ED). But it’s clear that he can get it up. He also spends a lot of time online in porn sites, viewing live porn armature sex, in sex virtual worlds and on chat sites that cater to cybersex. He does this every time I am not in the house. He’s home during the day while I work and online having cybersex.
Since your husband checks out ok medically I’d bet that he has found another outlet for his sexual side.
You say that your husband sleeps in a different room. Do you know if he’s on line in there, or on the phone with someone? Could he be going out without you during the day or at night?
What your husband is doing is downright cruel… it’s a form of spousal abuse to withhold all affection and all sex.
Re: Have not had sex with Husband for 7 and half years
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr B
"First you say that it's hard for a woman in her 50's to find a new man. Then you say for her to stay in her marriage and just have an affair. Quite a contradiction there... "
No it is easier to find a sex buddy than a man willing to enter into any kind of serious relationship...but it is not that easy to find a sex buddy after 50 either. It is simply the better of the two choices for women in her particular circumstance. If she and her husband were constantly at each other's throats I'd advise her to leave. But if she just wants sexual intimacy she can find that, albeit with some difficulty due to her age.
So you are advising her to stay in a emotionally abusive marriage and engage in infidelity??? Really? All because she's older and might not be able to find another man???
I don't think she needs a man so badly that she should continue allow herself to be emotionally abused. And infidelity is never the answer.
It's a lot easier than you think for older gals to find guys to date and even sometimes marry. There are a lot of younger guys who will date a woman several years older than them.
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Have not had sex with Husband for 7 and half years 
