Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
We are very close and have sex most days. It felt like everything was good between us sexually and emotionally.
I know that lots of blokes like porn, some more than others, some more frequently than others - and that use of porn might vary depending on what is happening in their life and the life of their partner etc
I am trying to be very reasonable and not stress myself too much over it. Everything else in our relationship has been really positive, and I have no doubt he loves me and cares for me greatly.
There wasn't a lot of porn - but what has concerned me the most is the content of the porn. It has a very clear theme of anal sex and anal sexual activity between girls and girls, or girls and men (not men and men).The dates of some of the porn were years old, so it is something he has liked for sometime I assume...the material was last opened about 2 months ago.
We briefly talked about anal sex months ago, and it transpired that 'neither of us were really into it' and that it was something he would do if I wanted it, but he didn't especially want it himself. He also said he himself wasn't into having his anal region touched or entered using fingers. I feel like I may have seemed to be anxious or a little awkward when the conversation took place and that this probably made him decide to not tell me that he would really like some of these things.
I know I don't have to do anything I don't enjoy sexually, and I know he wouldn't pressure me. But I feel so sad that he clearly fantasises about this so much but denied to me his interest...now I am scared that even though we love each other things are not what he wants from our relationship - sexually. I am worried about how often he will be thinking about what he is missing, or imagining these fantasies when he is with me.
I know some of your responses will tell me I am stupidly insecure etc, and I absolutely take your point that I am very insecure. I just love him so much, with all my heart. I feel truly sad that I can't be all that he wants in that department...that there is a significant desire that he is not having satisfied...well except by porn.
I am torn about bringing up the issue, because I know it will be upsetting and I am scared that by talking about it I will make it even more on his mind when we are intimate.
I have considered that I could have anal sex with him - maybe just very very occasionally - but I don't really want to deep down. I have before many years ago (I didn't want to much then either) and it wasn't pleasant. It worries me if I do this with him once he will just want it more, and ask me for it etc then be disappointed I always says no...The dates of the porn were pretty old, so it something he has liked for sometime I assume...the material was last opened about 2 months ago though, so I imagine it is still something he would like.
I guess I would really appreciate some considered responses on what I should do? I feel like I have a few main options:
1. Ignore it completely, try to forget and let him fantasise. If I'm not enough, without anal sex, he can make his own decision on whether porn is enough to 'fill the gap' (excuse the pun)
2. Communicate with him honestly and try to find out how important this fantasy is to him and be open about my feelings that I don't really want to do it ever. Take it from there...
3. End the relationship because he lied about his position regarding this sexual act and because I fear he will never be happy enough with me...
4. Wait for a while BEFORE I TALK TO HIM and check to see how often he looks at this specific type of material in the meantime. If it seems very frequent make communicating with him a matter of urgency. If it is infrequent, write it off as a little fantasy he likes to consider occasionally. Accept it and tell myself it doesn't mean our relationship isn't good enough for him?
5. Give him anal sex, despite how I feel - but be clear I would want this pretty rarely...
6. Any other suggestions welcome...I'd really appreciate a male perspective if they actually have a similar fantasy and how it makes them think about their relationship if their girl isn't into that thing...
I'd start with option 2: communicate. I think from there you'll know what the next step is. Just be loving and sweet to him, last thing you want to do is put him on the defensive (which I suspect is something that's very likely to happen).
Was the collection hidden? He, might be slightly ashamed of his compulsion. Whatever you do, be careful how you bring up the topic, so that you don't make him feel bad.
Was the collection hidden? He, might be slightly ashamed of his compulsion. Whatever you do, be careful how you bring up the topic, so that you don't make him feel bad.
I was looking for a work file of mine that was opened between specific dates a few months back, and a couple of video clip files, with revealing names, popped up in the search! I checked them out...and then looked at the whole folder they came from called PORN - it wasn't in an obvious place it was in a folder inside a music folder. So it was sorta hidden I guess, but not especially well. There wasn't much in there. Most was very old. But a couple were opened in January and a couple in February. I haven't been checking the history in his computer or anything though...after finding this I did have a look as I thought it could help e work out the best course of action...but it as deleted. Predictably!
I don't want him to feeel really bad...I just want to understand whether he feels he is missing something from me that is really important to him sexually. Whether the fact he gets off to that is a kind of fetish, big fantasy... or just something he gets off on occasional, just as he might something else.
I would rather he didn't use porn at all - I hate it! But, on the other hand, I can accept it as long as I don't think it is impacting on our sex life or his desire for what we have and do with each other. The face he has anal stuff is most worrying, simply because it is basically something I don't really wanna do.
One thing to keep in mind is that sometimes folks have fantasies that they never plan to live out... ever. There's a big difference between a fantasy and the raw reality of that fantasy in all it's details.
He doesn't know yet...I am wondering whether to tell him I have found it and calmly tell him I love him and that he isn't in trouble - even though I aint a big fan of him having it - he can carry on without feeling bad...but then explain my worries about the anal sex fantasy and see what he says...
Also about fantasy and reality - I know this and keep reminding myself. But I think he probably has had anal before - got a strong gut feeling based on when he vaguely raised it in the past - even though he made out a neutral interest - this seems weird now considering all the porn was anal related! I'm well confused how to handle it...
He doesn't know yet...I am wondering whether to tell him I have found it and calmly tell him I love him and that he isn't in trouble - even though I aint a big fan of him having it - he can carry on without feeling bad...but then explain my worries about the anal sex fantasy and see what he says...
My $.02 is that having secrets like this is bad for intimacy in a relationship. He was being indirect with you when he brought up the issue the first time and that doesn't feel right to me. He needs to understand (regardless of whether you experiment with anal sex) that his fantasies/interests are OK with you (I am assuming consenting adults here).
I have no moral issues with porn but I think it is bad for relationships and people in general. The fact that he kept it secret means your husband likely has shame about it. I acknowledge that this is one guy's opinion based on a finite amount of experience so your mileage may vary.
This TedX talk mirrors my experience with porn. I would say I was a light user. I would encourage you to share the video with your husband and discuss.
I had a porn compulsion, a secret I kept from my W, then one day she stumbled upon my secret, I was humiliated and embarrased, she was devastated, she felt betrayed and I know I lost a big part of her trust that day - she took it as rejection, but to me I have never thought less of her than some images on my screen - I could never convince her otherwise - I did give up the porn, though had the occasional slip once in awhile - I ususally did not confess my slip up (especially if I felt I could hide it) but occasionally did.. I don't know if any of that ever really helped.
Over time her sexual interests changed anyways, by the end she had done a complete flip of her opinion of porn, even got into selling/hosting sex toy parties (especially ones that are earth and health friendly)... I don't think my betrayal really factored into it, she basically was always too easily influenced by the attitudes of those around her.
My point is that your H is probably very ashamed of this secret compulsion, but if you are mature enough to not take his voyeuristic fantasies as personal rejection you can communicate this with him in a healthy way. Good Luck.
I had a porn compulsion, a secret I kept from my W, then one day she stumbled upon my secret, I was humiliated and embarrased, she was devastated, she felt betrayed and I know I lost a big part of her trust that day - she took it as rejection, but to me I have never thought less of her than some images on my screen - I could never convince her otherwise - I did give up the porn, though had the occasional slip once in awhile - I ususally did not confess my slip up (especially if I felt I could hide it) but occasionally did.. I don't know if any of that ever really helped.
Over time her sexual interests changed anyways, by the end she had done a complete flip of her opinion of porn, even got into selling/hosting sex toy parties (especially ones that are earth and health friendly)... I don't think my betrayal really factored into it, she basically was always too easily influenced by the attitudes of those around her.
My point is that your H is probably very ashamed of this secret compulsion, but if you are mature enough to not take his voyeuristic fantasies as personal rejection you can communicate this with him in a healthy way. Good Luck.
Wait!!! There are earth friendly sex toys. Why doesn't someone tell me these things!!!
OP, I'm always in favor of communication. I have fantasies and I share them with Morrigan. She has some fantasies as well and tells me about them. Most of the time our fantasies are not meant to ever become reality. I mean its very unlikely that Brad Pitt will ever come to my house anytime soon. Morrigan's fantasies will probably never happen either.
FormerNiceGuy, just watched that lecture, it is the most impelling argument I've heard yet for a man to cut out porn from his life. Since separation I found I've gradually been watching more (not near as much as back before my marriage), as of now I'm going to try experimenting with a moratorium, if what he says is true maybe its the solution to my problems...
FormerNiceGuy, just watched that lecture, it is the most impelling argument I've heard yet for a man to cut out porn from his life. Since separation I found I've gradually been watching more (not near as much as back before my marriage), as of now I'm going to try experimenting with a moratorium, if what he says is true maybe its the solution to my problems...
I agree. Someone sent the link to me and light bulbs went off. I wasn't a huge porn abuser, but after watching that talk I think any amount is too much so I quit in January.
A couple of other things helped. Dr. R. Glover talks about healthy masturbation in No More Mr. Nice Guy. Basically, physical only with no fantasy. That means experience the physicality, but don't think about a woman or any past experience or fantasy. It is very different.
I experienced a much lower level of excitement with non-fantasy masturbation. This lead me to think more about my sex drive. I always considered myself high drive. I think I have come to understand that my sex drive was three things: 1) a way to seek reassurance from my wife that all was well, 2) balm to soothe life's anxieties generally and 3) a biological urge. None of those things matched my intellectual projection of what "making love" to my wife should be (3 is OK, but we are too old for any more kids).
Armed with these realizations, I have tried to approach sex with my wife as a celebration of our union. The results have been spectacular.
1. I love sex, but am fine without it.
2. I haven't masturbated in 3 months and don't miss it.
3. My wife initiates as much as I do - this is a change from the days of old where I was always looking for it.
4. I think sex is more enjoyable. I went through an initial period where I was more sensitive and quicker to ejaculate, but that has subsided. I think I have better control than ever.
5. Frequency is great by me @ 3 - 4x per week.
Finally, there are some who believe that much of a man's energy is tied into his sexuality and, in particular, his drive to have sex with women. Proponents of this theory think that much of what motivates men to succeed in life is this urge to attract females. Fapping away your mojo is not a strategy for success.
Regardless of what anyone thinks of the theory, I do agree that the aggression often equated with sex drive can be channeled into other activities. I am fine not having sex because I am busy being productive in other areas.
Of course being productive in other areas make me more sexy to my wife and the virtuous cycle continues
FMG, I get where you are coming from, I was working on the breaking free exercises in the book, I found mb'ing without porn wasn't a problem but without fantasy I couldn't even get it up. I understand where he is going with it, but to me it seems like his goal is to eliminate lust from the mind altogether. I guess maybe that is healthy but it just sounds so boring, I feel personally that a healthy, lustful sex drive makes us want to compete and that competition is a powerful tool to be productive. When I'm 75 maybe the lustless model will work, but I honestly want hot sex because it is part of what I was made to do. But of course my old way of thinking hasn't really been fulfilling or successful, just feels like giving up on that way is killing my spirit.
From a womans point of view -- I think its hard for most of us to understand why our H need it, when we DO have a healthy sex life. I know, for me, when I discovered H porn habit, I was hurt, mostly because he hid it, felt like he couldnt discuss with me, so I tried to bring it up, and say, hey maybe we can do this together -- he flat out denied the whole porn thing and he continues to visit sites when I am not around, then erase the history on the computer, so he thinks I dont know about it. Again, its the lies that bugs me the most, but again, I take it personally, because its like his way of saying, my wife is not enough for me, I have to get more and more and more, regardless how much we are doing.
I honestly do not understand why he feels he must do this (daily) when he gets a pretty healthy dose from me!
I would confront him on it as well, because frankly it's not good for spouses to make a habit of keeping secrets... especially of a sexual nature. Just be loving and kind about it.
9Likes
I found his anal porn collection. What now? 
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