Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
still no affair to be found.. I'm assuming "AP" would referr to the person he would be cheating with.. I've been through his phone records and the only contact outside of his contact with me was a phone call to cable to cancel the internet bill (12mins) (i took the computer) and a call to the guy he works with that he's been getting rides from (3mins)
I don't know if you want to salvage this relationship at this point, but it may be a good idea to move on. For things like this to start this early in a relationship, it will typically only get worse.
It seems early on you had a lot in common and had a lot of fun. Marriage takes more than that. He has no respect or appreciation for you. Without that respect and appreciation, your marriage is doomed.
A few things I see. It very much to me sounds like he's having / had an affair. Won't have sex with you. Even in the middle of the night when you initiate (this is a high hormone time for guys while in that sleepy state). Won't change in front of you. This could be a result of him not wanting to "cheat" on his new fling. He's denying you something you want and he is fully capable of. He's pointing out "flaws" that never seemed to bother him before.
You're out now, but with the abusive treatment and serious questions, some snooping hardware on the computer would have likely answered a lot of questions for you. I don't advocate this violation of privacy much, but he's given you more than enough reason to believe he's not being truthful with you. Combined with the fact he seems willing to hurt you both physically and mentally, I'd not place ANY bets on the fact he could care less that he could give you an STD were he to be cheating. So, you need to look out for yourself.
Cheating guys can be very good at covering tracks. The fact that nothing remains on a cell phone means, well, nothing. He could have another "cheater's phone" stashed somewhere.
Now, on to the abuse. It will only more than likely get worse. This is happening this SOON in marriage? Watch out. And should you ever consider reconciling, or come into contact with him again, and he touches you out of anger, you need to remove yourself from the situation, call the police, and then follow through with it. This is a ZERO TOLERANCE thing. If he's prone to it, and he sees no consequence to it, it will escelate. There's already a pattern starting here. Verbal abuse. Belittling. Controlling behavior. All very bad signs. Do you think it will get better if there's no consequences for him? Or in 5 years down the road when you have children and it is even harder to leave?
You sound pretty understanding and open sexually. Most men would be more than content. But, we are still men. We are very visual, and the sight of a woman is enough to turn us on. Different women. I think if you understand that and come to terms with it, it will hurt you or bother you less. It, to me, just does not seem realistic to think a guy will not look at naked women given the chance. It is also not realistic to believe just because we do so that we consider you any less attractive or you are not meeting our needs, or that something is lacking. It really is not in a great many cases. Me for instance...I still look at it. My god, I love a beautiful woman's naked body. Yet I have the best sexual relationship of my life, there are no signs of it slowing down, and I can not even conceive of risking losing what I have by acting out the very basic and animal nature that is in us men to "spread our seed" or be visually turned on by attractive women. I can't conceive of having a much more satisfying sex life, and I know what it's like to want that desperately, and how it feels to be at the other end of it.
But this desire to look at, "be with" other women (if only mentally), well, it is simply traits in us brought on by our very own evolution as a species. I think that once a woman understands that, it becomes a lot less hurtful and feels much less of a betrayal. Men are visual, and when we want to go "outside" outside of our present relationship for fantasy, we turn to visual things. The computer. The TV. Magazines. Women, on the other hand, are more prone to do this in their head. This I've said before...If women's brains had a history cache that could be accessed the way a computer's can, I bet there would be a lot of seriously traumatized and insecure men out there! I know a good number of my wife's "could likely not ever go there in real life" fantasies. And while she often fantasizes about me because of the great sex we have or some new trick I picked up and tried on her, I also know that I am not the only penis to work its way into her fantasies. And I'm okay with that. Not hurt by it. I understand it. Fantasy, be it mental or visual are one thing. Acting on it outside of the marriage is where it gets to be a bad thing.
There is a limit though, as has been stated. Porn addiction is bad, and when it gets to a point where the sexual relationship suffers because of it, it is time to take action and correct it.
I tell you this because you seem like the type of woman who could easily fulfil a good man's desires in bed. You're pretty open. Watchin porn with hubby? Yes, good job. Initiating sex? Again, great job. Many women will not do these things. You have a good sexual appetite. So, you will easily one day, be someone's dream "catch" (all other things falling in line of course). Take it from a guy who has what you report to offer, and I can tell you I have never been so completely satisfied in my life, and my desire for someone sexually has never been nearly as strong as it is for my wife as a result. I could not fathom going outside of this relationship and risking ruining what seems a dream come true. But I will look at other naked women , sometimes alone, but also with the wife.
The more serious issues here are the potential cheating, and the control and abuse. Do not let this man (or any man) tear you down and question your self worth. That is controlling behavior. A real man who is confident in himself and thus, you, will only try to build you up, not tear your self esteem down. Hurtful comments are NEVER helpful. They're controlling. Or at the least, a way to selfishly divert blame for one's own shortcommings onto someone else instead of facing them.
Best of luck to you. Do not tolerate less than what you deserve from any man, and never tolerate abuse.
Leave him with NOTHING of yours. Not a damned thing. Let him sleep on the floor. Two reasons...one, he does not deserve any consideration at this point. Two, if you ever have any hope (and you may once things cool) of getting back together, he needs to KNOW what it feels like to LOSE EVERYTHING you brought to the relationship, and feel the very hard and true consequences of his actions. Maybe then, and only then, will true change be a possibility for him, and that there will be serious and hard consequences for him in the future if he continues with this behavior. He needs to believe you're gone for good and never coming back. Leaving things there only encourages the "she'll be back" thoughts in his head.
Be careful and stay alert that this controlling behavior will follow you once you leave the house. If he acts on it and starts the stalking stuff, threatening violence, etc., it is restraining order time.
I don't really know what you want to do? DO you feel in your heart you want to stay and make it work or are you just fed up? He is your husband and that is so rude and mean of him to call you out on breakouts.. they are fixable.. I am pregnant and break out little bumps on my chin the best thing to do to get rid of them is exfoliate your face everyday and get a good cleanser.. Proactive works great or even just a non-drying wash with sylic acid. Still he shouldn't care though that is really crappy.. he should love you for you. What I would do if I was in your situation is sit down with him tell him in a calm voice can we please have a serious talk.. ask him his feelings.. does he want to work it out? Does he want to just have a mutual agreement to break it off? Does he love you anymore? but the biggest question you need to ask yourself? Are you going to stay and let someone treat you this way or are you going to do what makes you happy in life? Don't let someone who is supposed to love you for better or worse make you feel like crap and insecure.. that is not fair at all.
no, i do not want to be with this person any longer. i actually dont even know who he is anymore and have lost any and all feeling for him.. i've been at my parents house for 2 days with no contact other than him seeing me pack a few bags.. there is nothing he could do or say that would change how i feel about this..
husband contacted me today to talk about divorce. he wants to sell everything and split it mutually. even wants to sell the jewelry hes bought me over the duration of the relationship. i feel i shouldnt have to split that with him. those were all gifts and it just seems petty... he's broke now and needs a car so i feel like he's just trying to stack his chips any way he can. he is being calm and respectful with me at least.. could be a different side of him though. he's got a very jekyl and hyde thing going. he wants to file for divorce under "irretrievable breakdown" contested. I don't agree with the terms. In NY they won't let you file for divorce until you've been seperated for a year or have been crashing for 6 months. he's saying its been "downhill spiral for 6months" BULL****! we JUST got back from our first anniversary cruise in february. The vacation was bliss, sex was bliss, holidays was bliss. This just started up 1 month ago. He's saying he wants to settle it asap and so do i but i also want to do it RIGHT. I feel he is at fault for our divorce. he kept me in the dark about a million things, witheld sex, abused me (mentally and physically).. Should I fight it or should I just take the quickest way out? I feel I have rights and I want to make sure this goes down 100% accuarately..
You mentioned you don't want to split the value of the jewelry since those are gifts. Did you buy him any gifts that are of comparable value? That is if he's spent thousands on gifts for you, and that hasn't been reciprocated it seems unfair to me to expect that in addition to a split of all other assets.
Why are you eager to finalize the divorce ASAP?
Separation is a great idea, but to be honest you'll likely need some time to heal before you're ready for another meaningful relationship anyway. Waiting 4-6 months may not be a bad idea (though a year seems too long).
You mentioned you don't want to split the value of the jewelry since those are gifts. Did you buy him any gifts that are of comparable value? That is if he's spent thousands on gifts for you, and that hasn't been reciprocated it seems unfair to me to expect that in addition to a split of all other assets.
Why are you eager to finalize the divorce ASAP?
Separation is a great idea, but to be honest you'll likely need some time to heal before you're ready for another meaningful relationship anyway. Waiting 4-6 months may not be a bad idea (though a year seems too long).
I'm not in a rush to finalize anything. I'm just trying to gather myself, ya know? He's the one who is rush rush rush. Seems like he thinks this will all be settled within one week. Not realistic.. I don't see how having a piece of paper by law or not at this point makes much difference. I mean, it isn't like either of us (as far as I know) are seeing anyone or interested in having a serious commitment to anyone any time soon so I don't understand his mindset on the rush. As for the jewlery, all the jewlery he bought me was charged to a credit card that I paid most of the time.. and trust me, it wasn't even close to thousands. Aside from the wedding rings I'd say maybe $500.. Yes, I would spend all my money on him, always bought him lots of stuff. This is ridiculous though. I feel like we're just splitting hairs with this crap. Is the world really this petty??
He actually has a good job. He lost 4 jobs during the 2.5 years we were together and this is honesty the best we've ever had it. Great place, good income, just the car situation. He wanted to use the savings money to pay for a lawyer but I said absolutely not. I took the passbook so he can't do anything with it. Besides, my father set up that account for us about 2 months ago and husband hasn't put anything into it so I feel it should just go to my father (which I got him to agree with)
You need to understand something here.. When I got with my husband, he had NOTHING. Was living at home, JUST got his car on the road, got laid off, was a pothead.. we got together and I lifted him up and put him on a throne. He was eating better, looked better, had a support system. He lost 4 jobs over the course of almost 2 years and during those months that we had NOTHING my father paid our rent and helped in any way he could to support us, never asking for anything in return other than for my husband to treat me right and take care of me once he bounced back from the economy. I even borrowed $1,000 against my life insurance policy to pay the rent once. Well, here we are in a great position, having bounced back from the economy and look what he does.. Sorry to sound *****y, but this freaking guy is an assssshoollleee.. I have SO much resentment towards him it's unbelievable. Even just reading this thread from start to finish astounds me.. The whole time all I was ever worried about was HIM.. Stupid girl..
He wants your jewlrey.. I would say hell no!! Don't give it to him.. as much as he needs the money.. they were gifts for you and if anyone is going to pawn them it should be you. If I were you I would make sure I took everything that's mine and I would talk with my family too and get their opinions about how to handle all of this or a lawyer? Idk if you guys are going that route.. but it might be good to atleast meet with a lawyer because divore can get nasty.. ecspeically if he's harboring any mean feelings toward you.. he will try to win/take everything and hurt you even more.
There are some problems but it's completely reversable.....
For starters you need to drill in your head that men are taught from an early age to be introverted with their feelings. We are conditioned not to show weakness and hide what's really going on out of fear that you'll lose respect. Every man has his own way of expressing himself and he may have wanted to tell you at some point but you wanted instant gratification and made the same mistake every woman makes, you b*tched and drove him further away. Now it's not the want for communication that was the problem but the tonality, timing, and temper that could have made a peaceful conversation seem like a personal attack.
I can not defend his aggressive actions but I can tell you what was going through his head and the bigger picture. For one thing, the honeymoon is over and you're now faced with real life problems. Now you can chicken out and go through a string of failed relationsips or you can try to understand him better and honor your marital vowes. Ok I have you so far... good. What's happening here is a clear and deffinate POWER STRUGGLE. You both have yet to work out who's in charge of what and what boundaries not to cross. And one of those on his part is physical abuse and hurtful words, but to you that means not confronting him a way that makes him feel inferior..... and honey, by telling him how hurt you are when he's not ready to accept that truth you're only making this worse.
A lot of women here will do there best to speak for men about porn but you can't truely understand. Porn for us is not about lusting after other women, hell at this point I'd say it was his go to device for stress relief. What I would be more worried about is if he was looking at any extremes like incest, kiddie porn, beastiality, or BDSM..... That's the sign of a true porn addict Now I'm seeing signs that he may have some anxiety/depression since for one, sex addiction is a symptom but not the cause. I would be worried more about his anger issues if he's botteling everything up and pushing you away. This sort of anger never goes without an implosive cycle of depression soon after.... and then finally he will feel remorse for what he did. He may not be perfect but he know what he did hurt you and will beat himself up for it later on.
My question to you is.... Can you be secure enough with yourself to let him watch porn once in a while and go back to having a happy marriage? Because it's asinine to think your husband will never have another sexual urge for another woman be it tv, video games, porn, or cartoon, or real woman The important thing you both have that deeper connection that makes the reprocussions of an affair too great to go for it.
I am glad I read this b/c I have a post up right now that no one has answered and it's very similar, minus the aggression. AND I have a baby. I still feel like the porn thing can be changed like you said it's a stress thing. It's just really not acceptable for a men or anyone to touch someone else in a hurtful manner like that. Counseling is key.
You can't "not" afford the divorce, you are being emotionally abused and it has and will escalate to physical abuse. If he is not willing to seek help for what has happened as well as help with the addiction to porn, then you need to get yourself out of that relationship and heal yourself. Learn what you want in your life and in a stable relationship, before you get into another one. Money is not everything....I know. Pick yourself up and dust yourself off learn from it and move on.
I can't help but wonder if your husband is in the midst of some kind of major emotional/psychological/spiritual breakdown. His change in behavior, habits, and outlook on life seem to have, from the outside looking in, taken an unusually fast decline. There are a lot of signs here that suggest crisis that might be beyond his immediate control or understanding.
I keep thinking about how this all is seemingly very out of character for a man you've known for a good junk of your life.
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Re: 24 years old and doomed my marriage.. 
, sometimes alone, but also with the wife.
