Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
I just wanted to respond as a woman who constantly had sex because my husband never stops thinking about it... He is mid 40 and he walks around as stiff as a teenager.
Today, thank God, my husband has come to learn that he has never shown me respect in that area of our lives. (there were many, many areas - which are all being addressed) but I am just replying to the daily sex.
If your wife is counting the days til your sex drive lowers, why in the hell would you be having daily sex? You DO sound like someone obsessed if you cannot give your wife a few nights of peace per week. Sex IS important in a marriage. It is important that when ONE does not feel like it, she is not doing it to 'keep you happy'... This is an area of negotiation. I can tell you that when my desire for daily sex, fell down to a few days a week and my husband would push and beg and grind the other nights until I finally gave in (force), soon my drive dwindled to never bet I still had to do it all the time in order to 'make him happy' so I could get rest.
It is selfish, disrespectful and abusive to be having it daily when you clearly know damn right well that she does not want it daily. Not giving you a hard time here but just giving you the perspective of a woman who is married to man with a drive like yours.
Today, while we are working on our marriage I want NOTHING to do with sex - now that he is actually being respectful and not insisting on it daily and making it a requirement in order that I get peace. Today, he is willing to negotiate it and accept 2 to 3 nights a week and unfortunately, now that he has spent so many years abusing this area of our relationship, I am still just 'giving in' on those occasions. I DO get turned on. I DO want sex. I AM responsive and often I am throbbing when I get into bed, but I look at HIM and it is GONE! So, I quietly scream in my head while I paste on a smile and pretend that I want it those 2 to 3 times a week.
No, I am NOT screwed up. NO, I am NOT a prude. I LOVE sex.. the problem is I don't trust or respect him in the bedroom any longer because he spent years thinking ONLY about HIS desires and never caring for a second about me.
So, if you know your wife does not feel like it daily and she is doing it daily anyways - with a smile on her face - she may be carrying resentments against you. You are very unfair to HER. It is cruel and abusive.
It's exactly the same problem when the shoe is on the other foot. It's just as cruel to not meet your spouses needs because you don't feel like it. Once ANYONE in the relationship bases what they do for each other based on how they feel, the relationship is going to deteriorate. Marriage is not about giving what your partner needs when you can pry yourself away from what you want to do, its about coming together and being or doing what they need in a symbiotic way. Posted via Mobile Device
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"Itís not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."
Exactly. My wife and I are devout Christians and sex is NOT boring. God made everything including a naked man and a naked woman and he put them in a beautiful garden. He called everything He made good. You don't put a naked man and woman in a garden unless you're expecting something to happen. When it's between the two of you, whatever it is, there's nothing wrong with it. Do it and ENJOY!
The holiness church I went too messed me up, it was pounded into our heads not to lust, the evils of premarital sex , no touching, I don't know, we couldn't live up to their puritan standards....nor did I even want too....we did manage to wait for intercourse, but that touching.... kissing, and getting off .... hell no!
But still, I felt guilty about everything sexual due to those teachings... the guilt/shame/rependence wheel revolving in my damn head for years... it was a plague over my mind feeling like a bad girl.... followed me right into my marraige, feeling like my flesh was evil , I was embarrassed to even have my husband see me naked for YEARS ... talking about masterbation, Oh my God - that was so taboo- another sin we had to hide. This is what I got .....from church.
Loosing my religion was the beginning of understanding sex and no longer being ashmamed of it. Sorry -just my personal experience. I don't believe all church's are the same , mine was overbearing & near put everything on a shame trip I guess, even for our thoughts.
I like PORN.. sorry! I don't feel fantasies are evil and sinful either. Like we are supposed to remain these pure untouched virgins, then as soon as we wed... turn a switch and be a stripper for our husbands, who can pull this off ?@#$%^&
It just doesn't work that way....if it has played out that easily for many devout believers, you sure as hell had one over on me.....Cause I was sexually "caged" ...and I do blame what I was taught in the church....to a decent extent. It kinda sucks when you start believing if you are touching your boyfriend and God Forbid, get into an accident that night, you will go to hell -cause you wasn't married.
I really don't think I ever believed that - BUT it IS what I was taught.
Sorry that happened to you SA, and no not all churches are like that. Well probably about premarital sex.
I know what you mean about feeling guilt though, I had a GF in college and we had sex for years... always felt guilty about it.
By the time I met my wife we were both practicing religious folks... so we abstained from sex during dating. In many ways it was great, in that we spent nights apart and it really left us a lot of time to really think about the other person before sex driven hormones clouded our vision. By the time we married (outside of sex) we really didn't have any major discoveries... we pretty much knew how life was going to be (which helped as we were trying to settle into being H & W).
I'll be absolutely frank though premarital sex would have completely changed our lives. Given that my wife found sex so painful that it took us months to even get penetration at all w/o it being too painful to continue. That would have likely killed the relationship. That likely would have left my wife (then GF) really feeling like she didn't measure up sexually... possibly for life (some serious scarring imo).
Given that our next sexual issue: LD vs HD which we are still sorting out. That too might have ended our relationship while dating and again left my wife feeling like she didn't measure up sexually.
While sexually our marriage has been a struggle, we do have 4 wonderful children. Those children likely wouldn't have come into the picture had we had premarital sex... nor would our marriage.
Not saying premarital sex makes folks bad people or anything... just saying that it can cause problems beyond just pregnancy (which is also a problem for many).
I'll be absolutely frank though premarital sex would have completely changed our lives. Given that my wife found sex so painful that it took us months to even get penetration at all w/o it being too painful to continue. That would have likely killed the relationship.
OH MY --- YOU TOO ! This is the 1st I have come across another couple where it took MONTHS .... Listen to my rediculous story...
We waited for intercourse .... after 3 months of trying (my husband is a very gentle man)... still couldn't get it in - at this point , I am thinking "what the hell -this is rediculous" -so I go to the OBGYN (how embarrassing!) ...and he says to me "Yep... you have a ridgid one alright"... and scheduled me for a "Hymenectomy"......but I have to get blood drawn for a pregnancy test -just in case.... well shock of all shocks, getting that phone call ... I was expecting! No surgery.
So now my husband was afraid of hurting me and the baby growing inside of me.... so it literally took another 5 months, at this point married 8 months for him to fully penetrate me!! Boy were we excited - at this point, we didn't know if he would ever break through....time to CELEBRATE.... I think we went out to eat!
We even joked our son was the "immaculate conception".. funny , he is our Worship Leader, wanna Be "Youth Pastor".
I do not regret waiting for intercourse, but I very very much regret the mindset that stole my enjoyment of expressing my sexuality -Yes, even in my teens -with my husband. I did a thread on this HERE
I was never LD, I believe I have always been HD ....I was just freaking "repressed". My sex drive right now is exactly the same as it was my entire marraige. But how I look upon sex, spicing it up, bjs, all of it... forever totally changed.
I do not agree with the church, I see it as TOO strict... but yet the world is TOO loose. The church seems to set you up to be repressed.... the world takes the sacredness away. I am somewhere in the middle.
As a Christian man, I would LOVE to hear your thoughts on this thread I did...not sure if you have daughters, with 4 , I am guessing so... I want my daughter to have a healthy respect for sex... but with zero repression, if that is even possible..and what you are experienceing in your marriage... I feel men need a CLUE to what is to come - my last point in that thread.
Browncoat : Sounds you really love your wife - and would do it all over again, even knowing she is LD ... I find this a little amazing. I have read many stories here, many men curse the fact they married a virgin -because of how it played out , alot of suffering.
I have 5 sons, 2 wear those silver rings proudly... my biggest fear for them.... what you are experiencing . I would cry for them.
Yeah I would do it all over again, but I have a funny feeling knowing what I know now we could have saved ourselves a lot of fuss. We've still got our issues to work through, but ours is a very happy marriage and we have kids we're really proud of (proverbial warts and all). Our kids are a real joy to us both.
The best part is that we both have a heart that wants to make the other happy, which is what makes compromise something that comes easily for us.
I'm happy my wife was a virgin when we married, and frankly I wish I was one as well for her... but you can't change the past.
We have two lovely red headed daughters (ages 13 and 6.5). We are already teaching the eldest one many of the things on the list just here and there (for example we have always openly kissed and hugged each other in front of the kids). I think your list is spot on!
The only thing I'd add for my daughters is that I'd encourage them to wait until marriage for sex. We plan to tell them our story (in greater detail when they start to show interest in boys more). We plan to let them know, that issues like their mother and I had could very well happen to them. Without a loving husband around who feels committed to making the sex life work, it would in all likelihood leave them emotionally hurt or devastated.
The only thing I'd modify personally, is that I'd make sure that when a young man wants to marry my daughter that talk about sex happens with a counselor (we'd pay for it). Not crazy about a testosterone driven young man talking orgasms with my daughter alone...
You want to understand the power of religion over sex? Just look at the laws that many states had against heterosexual sodomy until the supreme court struck them down.
Back when these laws were created, the legislatures were entirely made up of men. Some guy was sitting around, and come up with the idea:
"You now what we need fellas? We need a law that it should be illegal for women to suck on my member. Yeah, that's a good idea for a law."
I'm telling you that you really have to hold a strong power over a guy to make him think that way!
No doubt. I'm what many would call a devout Christian, but at the same rate I want a government that is secular and fair. The bible is for Christians, the government is those who live in that country... two different things. I know my views aren't exactly popular in the church, but frankly I don't really care. We don't live in a theocracy, nor would I want to.
I've come to the realization that so many people here are plain obsessed about it. The amount of discussion and posts where people think anything less then daily sex is sexless amazes me.
A poor women, who needs professional help to at least see where things stand and where her issues lie because she wants and enjoys sex 1X/mth and yet is doing it 20X's/mth as a good wife is met with derision. I read how terrible a person she is and her poor spouse........
I read continual threads where people are upset if they are having sex less then daily. Who are you people????
I feel like a freak wishing for sex 2-3x's/wk and thinking how content I'd be. Heck not sure if I could keep up with daily sex or whether it would be fun after a while. Add to that I read that I probably need testosterone shots, because I don't want it more.
Trust me, my spouse would be aghast reading how much sex people on here are having (or expect). Add to that everyone expecting pornstar sex lasting hours, multiple orgasms, and all the men lasting 10-60 minutes on average.
Do you have time for work, family, hobbies and time to read and respond to 20 different threads too on TAM???
I will admit that I read the thread you're referring to and found it really insane and ironic that a woman who openly admits her desire is for sex once a month was lambasted because she spoke about how it wasn't enjoyable or a pleasant feeling to give her body up to suit her husband's sex drive.
I think her feelings are more often true for women than not but they are taboo and regarded as wrong because they go so strongly against what a man's needs are.
I am a LD woman. If my relationship with my husband is not continually nurtured and fulfilled you can bet that it's a chore to be a sexy minx in bed.
So, again, you have all these men complaining they don't get enough and wondering how to do it. You have advice that works to make them more selfish and then we're curious why so many men in sexless relationships cannot reclaim the love and sex life they once had. Yet, never are we to look at whether or not the wife's needs are being met and how the husband is responsible for it. If a woman is emotionally withdrawn and sexually deemed dysfunctional by her husband, she must have BPD, have childhood issues, be having an EA or PA or the man isn't enforcing his boundaries.
Advice crafted by men for men with women speaking up against the advice being deemed feminists and women speaking for the advice being great examples of how women should be.
Perhaps this is because meeting sexual needs seems so simple and meeting emotional needs seems more complex. It could also be that men lack the ability to empathize with women and many women lack the ability to speak up for themselves. It's easier to try to find a simple solution rather than really look at the dichotomy and various possibilities.
Hence I think so much of the advice offered is way off mark here...time and time again...in regards to sexuality between men and women and how to find a perfect medium.