Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
I will admit that I read the thread you're referring to and found it really insane and ironic that a woman who openly admits her desire is for sex once a month was lambasted because she spoke about how it wasn't enjoyable or a pleasant feeling to give her body up to suit her husband's sex drive.
I think her feelings are more often true for women than not but they are taboo and regarded as wrong because they go so strongly against what a man's needs are.
I am a LD woman. If my relationship with my husband is not continually nurtured and fulfilled you can bet that it's a chore to be a sexy minx in bed.
So, again, you have all these men complaining they don't get enough and wondering how to do it. You have advice that works to make them more selfish and then we're curious why so many men in sexless relationships cannot reclaim the love and sex life they once had. Yet, never are we to look at whether or not the wife's needs are being met and how the husband is responsible for it. If a woman is emotionally withdrawn and sexually deemed dysfunctional by her husband, she must have BPD, have childhood issues, be having an EA or PA or the man isn't enforcing his boundaries.
Advice crafted by men for men with women speaking up against the advice being deemed feminists and women speaking for the advice being great examples of how women should be.
Perhaps this is because meeting sexual needs seems so simple and meeting emotional needs seems more complex. It could also be that men lack the ability to empathize with women and many women lack the ability to speak up for themselves. It's easier to try to find a simple solution rather than really look at the dichotomy and various possibilities.
Hence I think so much of the advice offered is way off mark here...time and time again...in regards to sexuality between men and women and how to find a perfect medium.
Trenton,
I'm curious as to what your advice to the young lady would be. I did refer to her attitude as somewhat selfish but only in regards to her utter refusal to entertain the idea that sex was as important for most men as we all know it is (and yes I realize there are LD men and HD women). I tried to explain that sex was not always going to be fireworks and nuclear explosions. Sometimes it will be a bottle rocket or just a pretty sparkler. But that's okay too. My main concern was that she found arousal annoying and wished her husband wanted her less. That troubled me as it seemed to indicate that she had ideas about sex that might be incongruous to her and her husband's long term happiness. That is why I told her to seek out a sex therapist for both of them. Again, I respect your opinions and the advice you have provided and wonder how you would have responded to Marie.
I read somewhere once that "sex experts" consider married couples who have sex 11 times or less per year to be in a sexless marriage.
As a LD person I can understand only wanting sex 11 or less times per year, but I also understand that it is abnormal and that the spouse with the normal drive shouldn't have to be the one to compromise.
I actually don't think it's beneficial to say that someone who doesn't have spontaneous desire for sex, or what some refer to as LD, is abnormal. That immediately puts people in boxes of "you are right/good" and "you are wrong/bad".
It simply is what it is. Not everyone, men and women both, necessarily have loads of spontaneous physical desire, and that doesn't mean it's all bad. Women, especially, start out in a deficit position in the physical arena anyway because of the lovely mix of hormones that make us women and not
men.
The key instead, is to not look at it like LD/HD, abnormal/normal, bad/good ... but simply accept that it is what it is. And that if you find yourself on opposite ends of the spectrum with your partner, which is likely to happen as some point(s) in almost any long-term relationship, it's actually the willingness to work together and be committed to each other that is most important.
So, if you want to label people, then they should be labelled as to whether they are committed or not ... maybe LC (low commitment) or HC (commitment) because that will make more of a difference than anything else.
I'm curious as to what your advice to the young lady would be. I did refer to her attitude as somewhat selfish but only in regards to her utter refusal to entertain the idea that sex was as important for most men as we all know it is (and yes I realize there are LD men and HD women). I tried to explain that sex was not always going to be fireworks and nuclear explosions. Sometimes it will be a bottle rocket or just a pretty sparkler. But that's okay too. My main concern was that she found arousal annoying and wished her husband wanted her less. That troubled me as it seemed to indicate that she had ideas about sex that might be incongruous to her and her husband's long term happiness. That is why I told her to seek out a sex therapist for both of them. Again, I respect your opinions and the advice you have provided and wonder how you would have responded to Marie.
How about the HD person just take matters in their own hands and masturbate more to get themselves over the hump? With the internet, magazines, ppv & so on an so forth, take responsibility for your HD and find that compromise. I don't think going from 20 to 1X/mth is fair. But frankly going to 10X/mth also to me is not fair as she/he is doing it much more then they are comfortable or want it.
I don't get the idea that if a woman does not want sex that she should "always" then give him a BJ or keep doing it.
Maybe I am too beta, but to me compromise for 1X/mth, would be 1X/wk + extras (i.e. vacations, special dates, evenings out and some spontaneous......). I think if I was in her shoes and doing it 3-5X's/wk, I'd feel violated.
However as said I'd also talk to a professional to see why this is such an issue.
Have,
You are chronically resentful about the solution you just prescribed. And the guy on the other thread is 25.
They don't have kids. As for the bj solution, some women really dislike them, others seem to like them. She stated her preference to give him bjs as opposed to jumpsuit his obsessive need to get her off...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Havesomethingtosay
How about the HD person just take matters in their own hands and masturbate more to get themselves over the hump. With the internet, magazines, ppv & so on an so forth, take responsibility for your HD and find that compromise. I don't think going from 20 to 1X/mth is fair. But frankly going to 10X/mth also to me is not fair as she/he is doing it much more then they are comfortable or want it.
I don't get the idea that if a woman does not want sex that she should "always" then give him a BJ or keep doing it.
Maybe I am too beta, but to me compromise for 1X/mth, would be 1X/wk + extras (i.e. vacations, special dates, evenings out and some spontaneous......). I think if I was in her shoes nd doing it 3-5X's/wk, I'd feel iolated.
However as said I'd also talk to a professional to see why this is such an issue.
So, again, you have all these men complaining they don't get enough and wondering how to do it. You have advice that works to make them more selfish and then we're curious why so many men in sexless relationships cannot reclaim the love and sex life they once had. Yet, never are we to look at whether or not the wife's needs are being met and how the husband is responsible for it. If a woman is emotionally withdrawn and sexually deemed dysfunctional by her husband, she must have BPD, have childhood issues, be having an EA or PA or the man isn't enforcing his boundaries.
Trenton,
Where do you get this? Virtually every "my wife doesn't want to have sex with me" thread that I have seen, almost the first response is always "What need of hers aren't you meeting?" that I have seen. Quickly followed by "man up" of course...
Have,
You are chronically resentful about the solution you just prescribed. And the guy on the other thread is 25.
They don't have kids. As for the bj solution, some women really dislike them, others seem to like them. She stated her preference to give him bjs as opposed to jumpsuit his obsessive need to get her off...
Posted via Mobile Device
No mem11363..... What is your problem? The other thread is just one in a long example of HD/LD relationships where usually the woman is told to suck it up. I was using it as just one example of issues that prompted the thread.
You have honestly said you have a HD/LD relationship, but you don't say what that gap is? Is it that you want it everyday and she wants it only once every 2 weeks (yes there is pain and I am sorry about that), yet in your words you have "relations" every 2-3 days. You may think that is a fair compromise. Well as a "beta" male (as you have coined me, though my spouse would disagree) I say you are unfair and deep down I think your wife thinks the same.
Grab your hand, fire up your computer and take care of yourself if you need it so bad........
No mem11363..... What is your problem? The other thread is just one in a long example of HD/LD relationships where usually the woman is told to suck it up.
You have honestly said you have a HD/LD relationship, but you don't say what that gap is? Is it that you want it everyday and she wants it only once every 2 weeks (yes there is pain and I am sorry about that), yet in your words you have "relations" every 2-3 days. You may think that is a fair compromise. Well as a "beta" male (as you have coined me, though my spouse would disagree) I say you are unfair and deep down I think your wife thinks the same.
Grab your hand, fire up your computer and take care of yourself if you need it so bad........
I think you are correct to a point. If the couple cannot work this out and emotional needs are not going to be met then I think rather than firing up the computer and jerking off, the couple should evaluate whether this is a deal breaker. If it is then so be it. Otherwise it is just a relationship of power struggles, disrespect, humiliation, resentment and pain. This will permeate the entire relationship. It becomes toxic. So the relationship becomes one of cruelty to each other. Sweet.
Obviously you feel the need can be met by jerking off to porn which exhibits zero understanding that this is an emotional need. There really is no basis then for discussion s long as there is a disconnect with this.
Anyway, such a situation would be a dealbreaker for me.
I will admit that I read the thread you're referring to and found it really insane and ironic that a woman who openly admits her desire is for sex once a month was lambasted because she spoke about how it wasn't enjoyable or a pleasant feeling to give her body up to suit her husband's sex drive.
I think her feelings are more often true for women than not but they are taboo and regarded as wrong because they go so strongly against what a man's needs are.
I am a LD woman. If my relationship with my husband is not continually nurtured and fulfilled you can bet that it's a chore to be a sexy minx in bed.
So, again, you have all these men complaining they don't get enough and wondering how to do it. You have advice that works to make them more selfish and then we're curious why so many men in sexless relationships cannot reclaim the love and sex life they once had. Yet, never are we to look at whether or not the wife's needs are being met and how the husband is responsible for it. If a woman is emotionally withdrawn and sexually deemed dysfunctional by her husband, she must have BPD, have childhood issues, be having an EA or PA or the man isn't enforcing his boundaries.
Advice crafted by men for men with women speaking up against the advice being deemed feminists and women speaking for the advice being great examples of how women should be.
Perhaps this is because meeting sexual needs seems so simple and meeting emotional needs seems more complex. It could also be that men lack the ability to empathize with women and many women lack the ability to speak up for themselves. It's easier to try to find a simple solution rather than really look at the dichotomy and various possibilities.
Hence I think so much of the advice offered is way off mark here...time and time again...in regards to sexuality between men and women and how to find a perfect medium.
Can you please link a couple of threads that are about a man not getting sex that don't have atleast half the responces on the first page figuring out what HE is doing wrong?
Really funny thing here and the reason I am editing is I just looked at a thread started by a woman about her LD hubby and 1 reply had something that she may be doing wrong. The rest was about what HE was doing wrong. I find that pretty intresting.
I think you are correct to a point. If the couple cannot work this out and emotional needs are not going to be met then I think rather than firing up the computer and jerking off, the couple should evaluate whether this is a deal breaker. If it is then so be it. Otherwise it is just a relationship of power struggles, disrespect, humiliation, resentment and pain. This will permeate the entire relationship. It becomes toxic. So the relationship becomes one of cruelty to each other. Sweet.
Obviously you feel the need can be met by jerking off to porn which exhibits zero understanding that this is an emotional need. There really is no basis then for discussion s long as there is a disconnect with this.
Anyway, such a situation would be a dealbreaker for me.
No I do not think the computer is a perfect substitute, but it offer`s the physical release a man may need. A woman can use a dildo or buy a toy (and of course use the computer too). If you still have physical closeness and intimacy, (massages, kisses, hugs, sleeping together and all over each other.......) with out the actual act or release that can make up for the gaps.
Enchantment,
If commitment is about trying to put your partner first, making the effort to support and please them, and to avoid causing them distress, than yes a good marriage is more about LC, HC than drive.
OTE=Enchantment;684900]I actually don't think it's beneficial to say that someone who doesn't have spontaneous desire for sex, or what some refer to as LD, is abnormal. That immediately puts people in boxes of "you are right/good" and "you are wrong/bad".
It simply is what it is. Not everyone, men and women both, necessarily have loads of spontaneous physical desire, and that doesn't mean it's all bad. Women, especially, start out in a deficit position in the physical arena anyway because of the lovely mix of hormones that make us women and not
men.
The key instead, is to not look at it like LD/HD, abnormal/normal, bad/good ... but simply accept that it is what it is. And that if you find yourself on opposite ends of the spectrum with your partner, which is likely to happen as some point(s) in almost any long-term relationship, it's actually the willingness to work together and be committed to each other that is most important.
So, if you want to label people, then they should be labelled as to whether they are committed or not ... maybe LC (low commitment) or HC (commitment) because that will make more of a difference than anything else. [/QUOTE] Posted via Mobile Device
No I do not think the computer is a perfect substitute, but it offer`s the physical release a man may need. A woman can use a dildo or buy a toy (and of course use the computer too). If you still have physical closeness and intimacy, (massages, kisses, hugs, sleeping together and all over each other.......) with out the actual act or release that can make up for the gaps.
If that is not enough, then leave.....
That is what I am saying. That it is important enough to be a dealbreaker.
How about the HD person just take matters in their own hands and masturbate more to get themselves over the hump? With the internet, magazines, ppv & so on an so forth, take responsibility for your HD and find that compromise. I don't think going from 20 to 1X/mth is fair. But frankly going to 10X/mth also to me is not fair as she/he is doing it much more then they are comfortable or want it.
I don't get the idea that if a woman does not want sex that she should "always" then give him a BJ or keep doing it.
Maybe I am too beta, but to me compromise for 1X/mth, would be 1X/wk + extras (i.e. vacations, special dates, evenings out and some spontaneous......). I think if I was in her shoes and doing it 3-5X's/wk, I'd feel violated.
However as said I'd also talk to a professional to see why this is such an issue.
Violated? Words don't begin to describe how wrong that word is. A marriage is supposed to be two people becoming one in every way which includes sex. It's the entire point to being married (becoming one). To have the opinion that a spouse wanting to be with the other is in any way a violation means you shouldn't be married to them. Sex between married couples is a gift that you give to each other, its not rape. What's next, I was violated because my wife wanted to use my body to mow the lawn and I didn't, therefore I feel violated?
If you don't want to have sex, don't get married. It is that simple.
Frequent sex should never be viewed as a violation in a marriage. A couple who is very sexually active is simply forming a healthy bond. Lovemaking in a marriage ideally brings the pair closer together.
Constantly withholding sex is a violation of marriage vows. That is why an unconsummated marriage can be annulled. Sex is a natural part of adult relationships and those who see view it as dirty and wrong need more help than TAM can give. If a LD partner only wants sex once a month and the HD partner wants twenty encounters, there is nothing wrong with meeting in the middle and compromising with ten times a month. Of course, if the lack of sex stems from emotional needs the HD partner should also work harder to fix those problems as well.
Sometimes I think that LD people should just marry each other, so that there are less sexual challenges with frequency. We are living the rare miracle of a well matched HD couple. I can't wait to see my husband after class tonight-hope he took his vitamins today because I am going to throw that man's back out!
I feel your obsession over obsession with sex in both directions.
So all of your rant here in this thread is just totally tongue in cheek sarcasm.
To some extent it is.......... But it is also serious based on what I wrote. I never said sex is not very important in a marriage/partnership/relationship, but the extent to which it is discussed, dissected, the titles of some threads and how some threads proceed leaves me aghast.
Just a post above takes issue that I would say I'd feel violated if I was asked to do something that I couldn't stand and way turned off 9 out of 10 X's (I want to do it only that 1 times) and people missed my point precisely because it had to do with sex.
I forgot the other thread and frankly that was posted tongue in cheek based on what I thought was a clever turn of a phrase.
I'm not obsessed about sex, I'm obsessed about the lack of sex
I stand by that, but also promise I talk a lot less about it or am pre-occupied or bothered by it like some on here.
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Re: People Obsessed with Sex on TAM 
