Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
I think sex is important in a relationship. Do I think its the be all to end all? Nope. I do think some people come across as they will die without it.
If in fact thats how they feel and they are not getting those needs met for whatever reason, then perhaps you are mismatched and need to find a partner who will suit your needs.
Frankly I don't think there is a woman alive that hasn't done this at one point or another. Maybe they say to themselves that they are angry and therefore aren't "in the mood" but IMO they are really using sex as a weapon.
Honestly I have never done this -ever. But my husband is just one of those wonderful men who always treated me beautifully, he was never aggressive about wanting sex either. I turned him down for other reasons (bad timing for conception, I didn't want to put my book down).... never to manipulate. I was never too tired either (which is unheard of), I always had more energy than him. He rarely made me mad about anything, he is one in a million. Just being honest.
My LD friend did this all the time and honestly I didn't blame her. Her husband treated her like crap and then expected sex??? Um no.
But that just starts a vicious cycle and nothing gets resolved. I understand not wanting to have sex with someone that mistreats you but that's not a solution imo.
But that just starts a vicious cycle and nothing gets resolved. I understand not wanting to have sex with someone that mistreats you but that's not a solution imo.
She told him, she drug him to counseling, she read books, she talked to everyone to get advice, she took bible studies, she tried giving him more sex, she withheld sex, she cleaned the house, she cooked, she did what TAM would tell her to do (via me), in short she left no stone unturned trying to save her marriage.
In the end after YEARS of trying he just refused to do anything and now she's divorcing him.
My LD friend did this all the time and honestly I didn't blame her. Her husband treated her like crap and then expected sex??? Um no.
You know I agree with this because so many people think that women use sex as a weapon to not have sex etc. I do believe SOME women do. However there is usually more to the story I'm sure, or it is in my case. For example.
I have never once thought of me not wanting to have sex with my husband much, being used as a weapon or a way to punish. Over the years dealing with a alcoholic, who even now in recovery, still blames, put downs, criticizes, makes all things out to be my fault, has a temper etc, well umm that doesn't make me feel close or want to be intimate with him. He knows this and its been explained to him, but since he has that black/white thinking its not sinking in, all he sees is what he is not getting, not WHY that might be.
HE is part of what can make that closeness/sexual intimacy happen. If he isn't doing his part then is it fair to keep on laying down with a man who can continue to treat you a certain way while he still gets his way, sex? I don't think so.
Luckily I'm in therapy dealing with a lot of this. My counselor said that a lot of my emotional core was damaged due to the way I was treated etc. That emotional core is what helps me feel sexual and close to him, if its damaged, you can't expect it to work properly. I'm learning that I may need to walk away from someone who just doesn't get the whole picture of why things might be the way they are, and they are a big factor in him getting what he feels he needs/wants.
Bottom line, its not always used as a weapon or a way to punish. Sometimes people have a real legit reason for feeling the way they do. In the end you either get help for what the issue is or you move on.
She told him, she drug him to counseling, she read books, she talked to everyone to get advice, she took bible studies, she tried giving him more sex, she withheld sex, she cleaned the house, she cooked, she did what TAM would tell her to do (via me), in short she left no stone unturned trying to save her marriage.
In the end after YEARS of trying he just refused to do anything and now she's divorcing him.
Its sad that people can become so entrenched in their own stubbornness that they end up losing everything.
As a catholic I find this statement to be inaccurate. The "messenger" as you put it has been skewing and contorting the message for 100's of years to suit their own selfish need for power.
I agree that men can misinterpret the Bible both intentionally and unintentionally. But that's not the issue in this case. The Bible is explicit on fornication as sin.
I think I'm a good father and I taught both my daughters that if a man doesn't treat you well (very good),
don't reward him. Never reward him (I'm talking everything here, not just sex).
Do you think I'm wrong?
No, but there is a difference between being treated badly and not winning an argument. Although some people can't see the difference. For instance, one of the times I refused him sex is because he wouldn't go out with me to visit my sister. Now on the surface people will say he was being a jerk. But the other part of the story is that I had a bad habit of committing US to something without asking him and without telling him until the last minute. So this time he refused to go. I was mad and wouldn't have sex with him for a week. That's the kind of thing I'm talking about. Not serious mistreatment.
The poster was honest about her desire for sex (or lack of) and questioned why she felt obligated to have sex so much more than she desired it when it felt bad. Simple as that. I think many women agree with her on some level, at some point in their relationship. Perhaps this is the ugly truth that we don't talk about in regards to women.
You are correct in your assessment of the poster's position. You are incorrect in your belief that her position isn't selfish. It is.
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Originally Posted by Trenton
I personally don't see single motherhood as a threat nor do I worry about my husband handing over his paycheck and worshiping me. None of those would ever be motivators for me to put out in a way my husband desires. I think men who say this are looking at it all wrong and pushing their wives away quite by accident or having sex with wives who only behave a certain way out of fear of loss. None of that seems authentic to me.
Just because marriage isn't always a Disney fantasy doesn't mean it's not authentic. I think the Disney fantasy is inauthentic. Marriage is about give and take and compromise. If a wife expects her husband to hand over his paycheck and then never ask her to compromise, then that wife is selfish and the marriage is probably not a happy one.
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Originally Posted by Trenton
In reality, divorce has heavy consequences for men too. ... Hence a man's threats are empty.
What a loving attitude you have. Marriage should be mutually assured destruction, eh? Men can't be happy in marriage, but let's make sure they'll be more miserable if they divorce. Awesome.
To make matters worse, your threats don't even work. Divorce is up, in case you haven't noticed. Most marriages fail. I wonder if the selfish attitudes you promote could have anything to do with it? Probably not.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Trenton
The only way for both a wife and husband to get what they want is through a deep connection where both are deeply committed to one another. Where a wife's motivation to please her husband sexually comes from it always feeling very good because of that connection and her genuine desire to please him overcomes her low drive.
Now this is true. And it goes both ways. Very often, the way to get your needs met is to work to meet the needs of your spouse. People working together are generally happier than people working against each other.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Trenton
I said that a man's sexuality is their weakness because it seems to me it's something that is always at the for front of their thinking. The irony of the differences in the two genders has men at a loss from the start. There will always be a need for control and balance between their desire for sex and their wive's desire for sex. Having said this, I can't imagine it or how frustrating it would be. I don't intend to make it sound negative but think I should call it what it seems to be.
As Entropy pointed out, each sex has unique traits. A successful marriage negotiates this fact. Personally, I wouldn't call a man's sex drive a weakness any more than I would call a woman's menstrual cycle a weakness. It's part of who we are. Sometimes it's inconvenient. Sometimes it's beneficial. And complaining about it is somewhere between useless and harmful.
Its sad that people can become so entrenched in their own stubbornness that they end up losing everything.
It is sad and I now have a front row seat to watch it. He is going to lose everything but he's so emotionally damaged from childhood that he can't see it.
I think sex is important in a relationship. Do I think its the be all to end all? Nope. I do think some people come across as they will die without it.
If in fact thats how they feel and they are not getting those needs met for whatever reason, then perhaps you are mismatched and need to find a partner who will suit your needs.
My marriage would be dead without a sexual relationship. If there was a real medical reason for this I would stay with my wife but yes that would be the death of a very important thing. It is not like giving up bowling or the end of the Seinfeld series.
I agree with the conclusion. This is also why I think couples need to talk things out BEFORE marriage. Why they should do His Needs Her Needs BEFORE marriage. Some folks choose to wait for marriage before having sex. Ok fine. But then lets cut them some slack in that they may find they are incompatible.
Spouses do evolve. Changes occur in them and their lives. We see very often that a sexual relationship is very satisfying for a couple for many years and then it falls off. For those folks I feel it is well worth pursuing the reasons for the drop off and trying to get back on track. One spouse saying oh well, that is over seems a bit disengenuous. Almost a bait and switch. There may indeed be real reasons for the changes that have to be factored in. It takes two to work together on this.
If one or the other is not willing to do what it takes to work it out, I believe the marriage they had is over. Because the issues go way beyond just sex.
For still others having children effectively replace thier spouse for ALL of their love and attention. Sometimes it is work that does this.
Marriage needs to be one of seeking happiness together for a couple. We all go through tought times. I do not think marriage is something to be treated lightly. I fully expect that I will be married exactly one time in my life.
I just wanted to respond as a woman who constantly had sex because my husband never stops thinking about it... He is mid 40 and he walks around as stiff as a teenager.
Today, thank God, my husband has come to learn that he has never shown me respect in that area of our lives. (there were many, many areas - which are all being addressed) but I am just replying to the daily sex.
If your wife is counting the days til your sex drive lowers, why in the hell would you be having daily sex? You DO sound like someone obsessed if you cannot give your wife a few nights of peace per week. Sex IS important in a marriage. It is important that when ONE does not feel like it, she is not doing it to 'keep you happy'... This is an area of negotiation. I can tell you that when my desire for daily sex, fell down to a few days a week and my husband would push and beg and grind the other nights until I finally gave in (force), soon my drive dwindled to never bet I still had to do it all the time in order to 'make him happy' so I could get rest.
It is selfish, disrespectful and abusive to be having it daily when you clearly know damn right well that she does not want it daily. Not giving you a hard time here but just giving you the perspective of a woman who is married to man with a drive like yours.
Today, while we are working on our marriage I want NOTHING to do with sex - now that he is actually being respectful and not insisting on it daily and making it a requirement in order that I get peace. Today, he is willing to negotiate it and accept 2 to 3 nights a week and unfortunately, now that he has spent so many years abusing this area of our relationship, I am still just 'giving in' on those occasions. I DO get turned on. I DO want sex. I AM responsive and often I am throbbing when I get into bed, but I look at HIM and it is GONE! So, I quietly scream in my head while I paste on a smile and pretend that I want it those 2 to 3 times a week.
No, I am NOT screwed up. NO, I am NOT a prude. I LOVE sex.. the problem is I don't trust or respect him in the bedroom any longer because he spent years thinking ONLY about HIS desires and never caring for a second about me.
So, if you know your wife does not feel like it daily and she is doing it daily anyways - with a smile on her face - she may be carrying resentments against you. You are very unfair to HER. It is cruel and abusive.
Your honesty is amazing but I feel as though you have made yourself a victim and now resent your husband for wanting to be with his wife. Husbands cheat, husbands stop wanting to be intimate with their spouses... yet you are upset because your husband can't get enough of you. You resent him for it.
Do you think when you tell him about your day and he smiles or converses back, he doesn't have to work on it? When you say a cute joke and he smiles and laughs, do you think he is grinning and bearing it? Do you think he really wants to hear about YOUR day? If someone that wasn't his wife was to sit him down each day and talk to him about their day, do you think he would sit down and smile, listen, and converse? OF COURSE HE WOULDN'T. It takes work to be married, and if guys resented their wives for having to pay attention, give attention, or just communicating, noone would be happy. Does that mean he resents you because you want his attention? Does that mean he resents you because you want him to be there for you when you need him?
As selfish as you say he is for thinking about "his needs", you overlook the concept that you are "selfish" thinking everything else in the relationship HE DOES is SOOOOOOOOOOO easy. Like, being a good husband is the easiest thing on earth, while giving up sex is the worst chore ever. That's SELFISH. What you do for him is so much greater than what he has done for you?
Also, you were not "forced" to do anything, that's a victim mentality. I am sorry, using the word "forced" when sex is consensual is just flat out wrong and offensive. That is a powerful word and so many women use that word to get sympathy, which helps foster this victim mentality. I have been "forced" to give my wife attention for 20 years now, should I resent her?
I am "forced" to stay faithful, I am "forced" to never look at another woman, I am "forced" to not go out and get sex from SOMEONE each night (because my wife resents me for wanting her), whether it be my wife or not, I am "forced" to open her door when we get out of our car, I am "forced" to do all the manly things around the house which she is also capable of doing, I am "forced" to listen and pay attention to everything that goes on her life...... I'd assume, a good man wouldn't have to be "forced" to do any of the above, it should just come naturally with the concept of loving your wife. The same could be said about you though.
This is a classic example of what happens when a person sees the negative aspects. Is he forcing you to be with him or is he so attracted to you he can't get enough? Is he having sex with you each night making you resent and hate him or is he staying at home faithful each night and having sex with the only person you allow him too? Is he telling you he has to have you and being selfish or is he communicating and letting you know what he needs to be the good husband you want him to be out of the bedroom?
It's a slippery slope and negativity ruins marriages. The word "force" is as negative as it gets. Good luck with that.
Its sad that people can become so entrenched in their own stubbornness that they end up losing everything.
Although it may be sad, I think you make the bed you lie in.
After delving into my failed marriage, I'm fairly certain that
my ex is and has always been mentally disturbed and her actions were preplanned before we married. Material things were provided for her and her children from the start of our relationship and she assumed any guy would do the same for her benefit.
Now that she's homeless and living alone (as far as I know) reality has struck and who do you think she is trying to once again foot the bill?
I don't care how fantastic everything is in the marriage. She could be treated like a treasure in all areas... But, if sex is being required daily then really, of what value is REALLY being placed on her?
That is probably the most selfish thing I have ever read. I'd kill to be treated like a treasure in all areas, to give up 30 minutes of my day in return to this person who treats me like a treasure. I do not care if I had to stand in a corner holding two heavy buckets in each hand for 30 minutes, I would do it EASILY (especially if for some weird reason, this is what made that person who treats me like a treasure happy). However, sex is NOT like standing in a corner holding to heavy buckets, sex is part of a marriage. Marriage is give and take. It is no longer about YOU, it's about US. You seem to be stuck on YOU.
To be treated like a treasure in all areas by my wife would be absolutely amazing. One could only wish.
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Re: People Obsessed with Sex on TAM 
