Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
You are correct in your assessment of the poster's position. You are incorrect in your belief that her position isn't selfish. It is.
Just because marriage isn't always a Disney fantasy doesn't mean it's not authentic. I think the Disney fantasy is inauthentic. Marriage is about give and take and compromise. If a wife expects her husband to hand over his paycheck and then never ask her to compromise, then that wife is selfish and the marriage is probably not a happy one.
What a loving attitude you have. Marriage should be mutually assured destruction, eh? Men can't be happy in marriage, but let's make sure they'll be more miserable if they divorce. Awesome.
To make matters worse, your threats don't even work. Divorce is up, in case you haven't noticed. Most marriages fail. I wonder if the selfish attitudes you promote could have anything to do with it? Probably not.
Now this is true. And it goes both ways. Very often, the way to get your needs met is to work to meet the needs of your spouse. People working together are generally happier than people working against each other.
As Entropy pointed out, each sex has unique traits. A successful marriage negotiates this fact. Personally, I wouldn't call a man's sex drive a weakness any more than I would call a woman's menstrual cycle a weakness. It's part of who we are. Sometimes it's inconvenient. Sometimes it's beneficial. And complaining about it is somewhere between useless and harmful.
What are you promoting to have sex with your husband whenever he wants and then every body will be happy? There is no compromise with that way of thinking. The poster who is a man also was talking about a woman who gives up her self whenever her husband wants and she is not happy about it. She needs to tell him that but keeps it to her self. I dont know where Disney came in this. That is a cartoon and as you said fantasy. Any body who thinks cartoon is real have a screw lose. Two things you said bother me. You said most marriage fails. What I read says half of marriage fails so that means half succeds right? Half of all marriages today will see it to the end. The other thing you said that bothers me is that you think men hand over a check. Where I live women work as things cost a lot. I dont know any woman who doesnt so I dont know why you think men do the work and women dont. I agree that spouses need to work with each other. Working away from each other doesnt work.
That is probably the most selfish thing I have ever read. I'd kill to be treated like a treasure in all areas, to give up 30 minutes of my day in return to this person who treats me like a treasure. I do not care if I had to stand in a corner holding two heavy buckets in each hand for 30 minutes, I would do it EASILY (especially if for some weird reason, this is what made that person who treats me like a treasure happy). However, sex is NOT like standing in a corner holding to heavy buckets, sex is part of a marriage. Marriage is give and take. It is no longer about YOU, it's about US. You seem to be stuck on YOU.
To be treated like a treasure in all areas by my wife would be absolutely amazing. One could only wish.
I dont under stand you. She said she has been in years of selfish behavior with a man who didnt care about her needs at all only thinking of him self. Would you be willing to do some thing that you got nothing out of only giving up every thing for some one for years and years and still have a smile on your face? What if your wife never did any thing to pleasure you sexually and you were left cold. Would you be happy and call your self selfish for wanting more?
If 1 or 2 times a week is okay for you. Then fine.
It's not okay for others and that's fine too.
You need to calm down on all of this. You seem like a man hater.
Havesomethingtosay is also backpedalling because others have found compelling reasons why her views are ridiculous. First she said that she would feel used if sex was expected more than once a month, then she posted the complete opposite POV that once a month is sexless.
For the record, I don't think most members on TAM would be happy with one sexual encounter a month. Anyone who thinks that is enough has unrealistic expectations of sex in a marriage.
I don't understand the compulsion to tell others what is right and wrong in their own bedrooms.
Your honesty is amazing but I feel as though you have made yourself a victim and now resent your husband for wanting to be with his wife. Husbands cheat, husbands stop wanting to be intimate with their spouses... yet you are upset because your husband can't get enough of you. You resent him for it.
Do you think when you tell him about your day and he smiles or converses back, he doesn't have to work on it? When you say a cute joke and he smiles and laughs, do you think he is grinning and bearing it? Do you think he really wants to hear about YOUR day? If someone that wasn't his wife was to sit him down each day and talk to him about their day, do you think he would sit down and smile, listen, and converse? OF COURSE HE WOULDN'T. It takes work to be married, and if guys resented their wives for having to pay attention, give attention, or just communicating, noone would be happy. Does that mean he resents you because you want his attention? Does that mean he resents you because you want him to be there for you when you need him?
As selfish as you say he is for thinking about "his needs", you overlook the concept that you are "selfish" thinking everything else in the relationship HE DOES is SOOOOOOOOOOO easy. Like, being a good husband is the easiest thing on earth, while giving up sex is the worst chore ever. That's SELFISH. What you do for him is so much greater than what he has done for you?
Also, you were not "forced" to do anything, that's a victim mentality. I am sorry, using the word "forced" when sex is consensual is just flat out wrong and offensive. That is a powerful word and so many women use that word to get sympathy, which helps foster this victim mentality. I have been "forced" to give my wife attention for 20 years now, should I resent her?
I am "forced" to stay faithful, I am "forced" to never look at another woman, I am "forced" to not go out and get sex from SOMEONE each night (because my wife resents me for wanting her), whether it be my wife or not, I am "forced" to open her door when we get out of our car, I am "forced" to do all the manly things around the house which she is also capable of doing, I am "forced" to listen and pay attention to everything that goes on her life...... I'd assume, a good man wouldn't have to be "forced" to do any of the above, it should just come naturally with the concept of loving your wife. The same could be said about you though.
This is a classic example of what happens when a person sees the negative aspects. Is he forcing you to be with him or is he so attracted to you he can't get enough? Is he having sex with you each night making you resent and hate him or is he staying at home faithful each night and having sex with the only person you allow him too? Is he telling you he has to have you and being selfish or is he communicating and letting you know what he needs to be the good husband you want him to be out of the bedroom?
It's a slippery slope and negativity ruins marriages. The word "force" is as negative as it gets. Good luck with that.
Well said. For the most part I live my life for my family. Many of us do. It is a lot of work. I do not look at it as being forced to. I think you are providing an important perspective. I see this "work" as a labor of love. I know she needs this from me so it is not without satisfaction. That said, I can relate. I go out of my way to listen to her and to do things I know she appreciates even though it is not something I crave to do myself. It is not always about ME. So know your spouses critical needs and do all you can to meet them. I think this has something to do with loving them.
We continually see that when a husband is not meeting his wife's needs that they must man up and do what needs to be done. If he is not showing affection and attention this is often used as justification for a wife seeking out other men. The man is seen as uncaring and selfish. I think he is.
__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."
I dont under stand you. She said she has been in years of selfish behavior with a man who didnt care about her needs at all only thinking of him self. Would you be willing to do some thing that you got nothing out of only giving up every thing for some one for years and years and still have a smile on your face? What if your wife never did any thing to pleasure you sexually and you were left cold. Would you be happy and call your self selfish for wanting more?
Read what I quoted again:
Quote:
I don't care how fantastic everything is in the marriage. She could be treated like a treasure in all areas... But, if sex is being required daily then really, of what value is REALLY being placed on her?
If he treated her like a treasure in all areas, then I'd place the value of treasure on her.
Intimacy and sex is what sets apart a great marriage from a great friendship. Nothing is "fantastic in a marriage" if one of the persons involved in that marriage rejects the others need for intimacy. To be that self centered and stuck on the idea of, 'me giving him my body for 30 minutes a day is more important than him giving me EVERYTHING and treating me like a treasure for 23 hours and 30 minutes a day." That is selfish. I understand we are taught our bodies our sacred, but you're married now. His body is yours, yours is his. The concept of marriage is you give yourself to someone else; "to have and to hold, to love and to cherish..."
In marriage, your body isn't worth more or less than his mind (as young adults we are taught sex is bad, our bodies are private, your virginity is sacred -- all changes with marriage). It feels awkward saying, but honestly, the one thing I'd never want to lose is my mind (insert joke here). It's the most important, by far, thing I possess. I think, therefore I am. Now, I spend my mind and attention to a woman for 23 hours a day, and treat her like an absolute treasure, and she resents me for wanting her body for 30 minutes?
If he treated her like a treasure in all areas, then I'd place the value of treasure on her.
Intimacy and sex is what sets apart a great marriage from a great friendship. Nothing is "fantastic in a marriage" if one of the persons involved in that marriage rejects the others need for intimacy. To be that self centered and stuck on the idea of, 'me giving him my body for 30 minutes a day is more important than him giving me EVERYTHING and treating me like a treasure for 23 hours and 30 minutes a day." That is selfish. I understand we are taught our bodies our sacred, but your married now. His body is yours, yours is his. The concept of marriage is you give yourself to someone else; "to have and to hold, to love and to cherish..."
Your body isn't worth more or less than his mind, that's all I am saying. It feels awkward saying, but honestly, the one thing I'd never want to lose is my mind (insert joke here). It's the most important, by far, thing I possess. I think, therefore I am. Now, I spend my mind and attention to a woman for 23 hours a day, and treat her like an absolute treasure, and she resents me for wanting her body for 30 minutes?
__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."
If he treated her like a treasure in all areas, then I'd place the value of treasure on her.
Intimacy and sex is what sets apart a great marriage from a great friendship. Nothing is "fantastic in a marriage" if one of the persons involved in that marriage rejects the others need for intimacy. To be that self centered and stuck on the idea of, 'me giving him my body for 30 minutes a day is more important than him giving me EVERYTHING and treating me like a treasure for 23 hours and 30 minutes a day." That is selfish. I understand we are taught our bodies our sacred, but your married now. His body is yours, yours is his. The concept of marriage is you give yourself to someone else; "to have and to hold, to love and to cherish..."
Your body isn't worth more or less than his mind, that's all I am saying. It feels awkward saying, but honestly, the one thing I'd never want to lose is my mind (insert joke here). It's the most important, by far, thing I possess. I think, therefore I am. Now, I spend my mind and attention to a woman for 23 hours a day, and treat her like an absolute treasure, and she resents me for wanting her body for 30 minutes?
I will never understand that.
I think you mis understood me or I did you. She has been starved for years from her needs and he was only caring about him self. I dont think it is as easy as just forget and fall in love. I think I should stop with my post this is much like my early part of marriage. Anger is some thing that is hard to forget.
What are you promoting to have sex with your husband whenever he wants and then every body will be happy? There is no compromise with that way of thinking.
Of course not. I'm talking about married couples having sex a reasonable amount so that the need for sexual intimacy in the marriage is satisfied. In the other thread, the poster stated that she should be able to have sex only when she wanted it and should not be required to consider her husband's needs. That's selfish. It amazes me that any one will even argue that it isn't.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MominMayberry
I dont know where Disney came in this. That is a cartoon and as you said fantasy. Any body who thinks cartoon is real have a screw lose.
Exactly. Disney came into this because when women argue that they should not be required to compromise or to consider their husbands' feelings, then what they want isn't a real marriage. They want the Disney fantasy where men either don't have needs, or they need the same thing women need and everybody lives happily ever after in a nice, big castle. As you point out, it isn't real.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MominMayberry
Two things you said bother me. You said most marriage fails. What I read says half of marriage fails so that means half succeds right? Half of all marriages today will see it to the end.
That's true. I guess my point of divorce rates being high isn't valid. Unless you consider a 50% divorce rate to be high.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MominMayberry
The other thing you said that bothers me is that you think men hand over a check. Where I live women work as things cost a lot. I dont know any woman who doesnt so I dont know why you think men do the work and women dont.
Men tend to earn more than women. So husbands are typically the primary earners in families. And women tend to place a high value on men earning a good salary. So my comments were just acknowledging those facts, not arguing that women don't work.
Those women who have never held a job that could support themselves and/or their family need to consider doing so. The one I was married to never did and now that she's on her own, she has nothing to say when a potential job interviewer asks what she had been doing to provide for herself over the last twenty three years.
What she going to say? "Pulling a train" at my ex husband's expense?
It sucks to be her, NOW.
I'm sorry, but even if my H did treat me like a treasure in all areas I would not be okay with sex being REQUIRED every day, so I can relate to the POV you quoted.
That is just too much for me and would make me feel devalued, like he only wanted me for sex. It would be the exact opposite of treating me like a treasure. I have sacrificed and made a compromise that once per month is not okay for him. Once per day is not okay for me and would most likely make me resent sex in a big way.
I honestly don't expect him to treat me perfect every minute and second of the day. That is an unrealistic expectation, just like it's an unrealistic expectation to expect a truly LD person to be required to have sex on a daily basis, and be okay with it. Maybe I am just stuck on the word required...
Thankfully my H isn’t HD and doesn’t expect sex on a daily basis. If he did, the relationship most likely would not have progressed to marriage because that is just something I couldn't handle.
I notice two things. You are stuck on the word required. That's too bad. You paid attention to your husbands sex drive prior to deciding to marry him. Good for you.
It's not possible for all married couple to have sex daily. I agree. I just feel a woman rejecting a good husband's need for intimacy, even if it's every other day, is selfish.
I notice two things. You are stuck on the word required. That's too bad. You paid attention to your husbands sex drive prior to deciding to marry him. Good for you.
It's not possible for all married couple to have sex daily. I agree. I just feel a woman rejecting a good husband's need for intimacy, even if it's every other day, is selfish.
A relationship that meets the needs of your partner 50% of the time will fail.
Seems like at the core we have an unresolvable issue. At a level that potentially goes deeper than the LD / HD thing, people just don't agree over the appropriate place of sex in one's life.
You have folks that strive to strike a workable balance between each partner's needs. You have folks that feel sex is private and not open to negotiation. Still others think it's inherently bad, only for procreation, and so on.
If you go back to that other thread (we all know which), the OP asks why she must give her husband everything + sex. It's apparent that this OP can accept the practical need for sex in her marriage (to keep her DH happy), but unlikely that she will ever see mutual sexual satisfaction as an integral part of marriage.
I think the fact that we are now 20 pages into this thread and folks are still in strong opposition supports that position.
I do think folks may need to just agree to disagree on this issue. For the most part this thread is becoming repetitive, with each side restating the same points in different ways.
269Likes
Re: People Obsessed with Sex on TAM 
Havesomethingtosay is also backpedalling because others have found compelling reasons why her views are ridiculous. First she said that she would feel used if sex was expected more than once a month, then she posted the complete opposite POV that once a month is sexless.
Sorry, I don't get it.
