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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 04-19-2012, 01:25 PM   #256 (permalink)
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How often you miss the nuance and point. I never said I liked masturbation (not that I don't like it either). What I said is for those who just need it so bad and the release is necessary, take care of it yourself on those off days and a BJ/HJ or whatever does not have to be on the agenda.

I'd say some people would feel used.
I miss much less than you wish to perceive. You just like to debate for its own sake. I prefer having sex with my wife frankly.
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Old 04-19-2012, 02:18 PM   #257 (permalink)
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You're lucky... unfortunately not all of us are

Oh and I had all these lofty ideas that I'd have my sexual drive satisfied in marriage too, unfortunately I learned on night one of the honeymoon that wasn't what was in the cards.

So for me often times masturbation is all I get left with. I'm so sick of it that sometimes I just feel my heart drop when I have to go solo yet again.

While my wife does love me, she finds that doing anything sexual every day is just way way more than she wants to deal with. At times she does, but overall yeah she has asked me point blank to take care of it myself that she'd rather I just leaver her alone about it on certain days (which works out to the majority of the days).
But you waited until marriage, if I'm correct?

yea. I did that whole "waiting" thing with my daughter's father and he was HORRIBLE in bed. I hated sex for a while after that.

With Hubs, I was quite frank of what I wouldn't live without. Thankfully, he felt the same way. Yay for hookin up with another HDer!!
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Old 04-19-2012, 04:00 PM   #258 (permalink)
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I agree that her attitude is selfish and her actions are not. I've written that before in this thread. However, this is not just a case of her thinking the selfish thoughts that we all have. Personally, I wouldn't mind having a harem of girls devoted to pleasing me sexually. Of course, I recognise that desire as being unreasonable and selfish. Kind of like wouldn't it be nice if I could fly, or read minds. Therefore, I wouldn't waste any time going on an Internet forum, declaring my belief that I am entitled to a harem, and asking for feedback. The fact that the poster in the other thread started it in the first place is proof that she's pretty selfish.


I have never denied the fact that men and women both suffer from divorce. I have only stated the fact that selfish women who neglect their husbands may be faced with the consequences of divorce. You were the one who stated that, since men also suffer in divorce, threats of divorce were empty. There are millions of divorced women in this country who will strongly disagree. The fact is that, for many men, the consequences of divorce are preferable to the consequences of staying married to an unreasonably selfish wife.


To the contrary. My entire premise is that marriage requires compromise. It's the Disney princess wannabees who become angry at the very notion. Go back through this very thread to find examples of posters who insist that women should not be required to compromise. Or that they should compromise on some things, just not on sex. Look at the OP of the other thread who believes that her sexual desires should trump her husband's and she shouldn't have to compromise.


You're exactly right. I just fail to see how the concrete example a woman who wants to force her husband into a sexless marriage meets your ideal of unselfishness and balance.
She said it didn't feel good. How can you compare that to your desire for a harem of women that you would desire? Your example is fantasy, hers is authentic and real for her.

If you expect her to behave differently against her thoughts & feelings, why is it you don't expect the same from men?

I don't have time to try and find Disney wannabee's. Are they comparable to Playboy Bunny wannabee's?

Do you really think that out of the million of divorced women you speak of, none chose to divorce their husbands?

For the record, I said what you were speaking of was not a threat to me nor is it ever a motivator for my behavior in my relationship. So I was speaking directly about my perspective, not the united front of women. Since us womenfolk generally can't agree on anything.

My husband would also never say that to me. Maybe because he knows it holds no bearing but I like to think it's because he's that great of a guy. I truly believe he would support his children and stay in their lives no matter what.

So, anyway, my thoughts are that when a woman is connected to her husband and the husband is not a douche, sex does come more naturally...LD or HD. I am absolutely LD myself but my husband and I average 3-4x's a week and it's not uncomfortable or a chore. I don't always cum but it always feels good.

Another thing my husband would never say to me is that it was my wifely duty to have sex with him. I can't even imagine it. It's comical to me.

In your last paragraph you said that you think it's wrong for a woman to force a man into a sexless marriage even though the woman you speak of puts out far more than that. She's wrong and selfish in your mind just for having thoughts. Boy oh boy.

Even though I might agree with you that 12x's a year is not a healthy marriage for either man or woman, what I find so strange is that you don't find fault with a man forcing a woman into an over sex'd marriage.

Oh but who defines over sex'd right? Who says 12x's a year is sexless either? Marriage counselors? Men? Women who feel it's their duty to sex up their husbands? L/D or H/D? Sheesh.

How do we come to these conclusions? A relationship is between two people. They either get it right together or they don't. Balance. When a woman vocalizes that sex makes her feel bad but she's doing it out of obligation and wonders why. It needs to be addressed by her partner. Telling her to buck up and put out is selfish.
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Old 04-20-2012, 06:27 AM   #259 (permalink)
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[QUOTE=Trenton;691054]

If you expect her to behave differently against her thoughts & feelings, why is it you don't expect the same from men?

I have been on both sides of this coin. While in a marriage, it is improtant that both sides comprmise, should it be ok that someone forsakes all others under the impression that things wont change just to be forsaken themselves?

Do you really think that out of the million of divorced women you speak of, none chose to divorce their husbands?

Actually, more divorces are started by women. I believe that it is 75% to 25%. These are for many differnt reasons.

For the record, I said what you were speaking of was not a threat to me nor is it ever a motivator for my behavior in my relationship. So I was speaking directly about my perspective, not the united front of women. Since us womenfolk generally can't agree on anything.

Of course this is your perspective. Any HD woman on here agrees with the men. Some of the LD women one here can never see it from that side so they will never understand. That would be like me saying to you that I some how truly understand what it was like for you to be violated in a manor in which you where, and to tell you if you do this differntly or that differntly it wouldn't have happened. Am I saying that what you went through was some how less painfull then somebody who gets rejected by his wife, not at all. I am just giving an analogy to point out that when you try to speak of something you have never been through, it is hard to grasp the full gravity of it.

My husband would also never say that to me. Maybe because he knows it holds no bearing but I like to think it's because he's that great of a guy. I truly believe he would support his children and stay in their lives no matter what.

This is what I love. If you have never put your husband in this situation you have no idea. After 3 years of rejection, my wife wanted to know what happened to her strong confident man. Well the awnser to that was, feeling unloved by the one person who should be showing that love to you will break you down to nothing over time.

So, anyway, my thoughts are that when a woman is connected to her husband and the husband is not a douche, sex does come more naturally...LD or HD. I am absolutely LD myself but my husband and I average 3-4x's a week and it's not uncomfortable or a chore. I don't always cum but it always feels good.

This one pisses me off to no end. It took me 4 years to realize that listening to people like you are what was making my situation worse. Of course it has to be my fault, so what do I do, shower her with more attention, praise and sunshine just so she can feel validated in the way that she was treating me. No thought given to the fact that something may have been wrong with her.
So you know, when I finally threatened to leave after 4 years of feeling as if I was supporting a roomate and her kids she finally went to IC and MC. When she went quite a few things came out that where not evident before. One, she was abused. Two, she was BPD. I guess it was ALL MY FAULT because I am such a "douche" you know the kind that treats their wife like a queen.


Another thing my husband would never say to me is that it was my wifely duty to have sex with him. I can't even imagine it. It's comical to me.

Once agian, how do you know this without ever putting him in this situation?

In your last paragraph you said that you think it's wrong for a woman to force a man into a sexless marriage even though the woman you speak of puts out far more than that. She's wrong and selfish in your mind just for having thoughts. Boy oh boy.

Nobody should be held accountable for their thoughts, its their actions and words that they can control.

Even though I might agree with you that 12x's a year is not a healthy marriage for either man or woman, what I find so strange is that you don't find fault with a man forcing a woman into an over sex'd marriage.

It is bad to not compromise in almost any situation in marriage.

Oh but who defines over sex'd right? Who says 12x's a year is sexless either? Marriage counselors? Men? Women who feel it's their duty to sex up their husbands? L/D or H/D? Sheesh.

The couple defines this before they get married. If they are having sex much much more before marriage then it slows down to nothing then, why wouldn't somebody think something is wrong.

How do we come to these conclusions? A relationship is between two people. They either get it right together or they don't. Balance. When a woman vocalizes that sex makes her feel bad but she's doing it out of obligation and wonders why. It needs to be addressed by her partner. Telling her to buck up and put out is selfish.

I was not a good comunicator when I first got with my wife, this is something I learned to do before I got married, if not I am pretty sure we would have never got married. If I just decided to change that midstream and give no reason why would you tell me to figure it out why I am no longer doing this and to get back to doing it? Most men on here if you read their story are told by their wives that either they don't know what the problem is or that their is not a problem. If my wife has a need that I am not fulfilling it is incoumbant on me to meet that need or figure out why I am not meeting said need, if I chose to say "it's not my problem, just deal with it" I am being a bad spouse. If this where about me not spooning with my wife because it made me uncomfortable, odds are you would tell me to buck up, but seeing that the subject at hand is an unknown subject to you, you won't take that stance here.

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Old 04-20-2012, 08:34 AM   #260 (permalink)
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She said it didn't feel good. How can you compare that to your desire for a harem of women that you would desire? Your example is fantasy, hers is authentic and real for her.
They're both selfish and unreasonable. That's the comparison. It doesn't much matter the motivation behind the selfishness. It's all pretty much the same anyway. Either we want more of what feels good, or we want less of what doesn't feel good. Whether we're talking about harems, or denying husbands sex, or robbing banks, or taking candy from babies, it's selfish motivations that is the topic.

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If you expect her to behave differently against her thoughts & feelings, why is it you don't expect the same from men?
Where have I said I don't? To the contrary. I expect BOTH spouses in a marriage to compromise. You seem to expect the husbands to serve their wives and the wives to accept their husbands' service. That is selfish.

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Originally Posted by Trenton View Post
I don't have time to try and find Disney wannabee's. Are they comparable to Playboy Bunny wannabee's?
Nope. The Bunny wannabees probably like sex.

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Originally Posted by Trenton View Post
Do you really think that out of the million of divorced women you speak of, none chose to divorce their husbands?
No. I never said that.

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Originally Posted by Trenton View Post
For the record, I said what you were speaking of was not a threat to me nor is it ever a motivator for my behavior in my relationship. So I was speaking directly about my perspective, not the united front of women. Since us womenfolk generally can't agree on anything.
Thanks for clearing that up. It appeared you were arguing that the threat of divorce between men and selfish women, in general, was empty. Given the numbers of divorces in this country, that's obviously an erroneous conclusion.

If you believe that your husband would never divorce you, no matter how poorly you treated him, you may be right. Not knowing your husband, I have no way of knowing. Then again, you may be wrong.

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Originally Posted by Trenton View Post
Another thing my husband would never say to me is that it was my wifely duty to have sex with him. I can't even imagine it. It's comical to me.
You say you're LD, yet have sex 3-4x per week. It seems to me that you understand that it's your duty to engage in sex with your husband. If you disagree, try a little experiment. Stop having sex with your husband for three months. See if he has anything to say about it. If not, try to notice any changes in his behavior. If sex is truly as superfluous to a marriage as you claim, it should be no problem.

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In your last paragraph you said that you think it's wrong for a woman to force a man into a sexless marriage even though the woman you speak of puts out far more than that. She's wrong and selfish in your mind just for having thoughts. Boy oh boy.
Let's put it another way. A mother of two young children, who is in your social circle, feeds her kids three times a day. When she sees you, she tells you how great her kids are, but says that she doesn't think she should be required to feed them more than once a week. She says she would happily feed them once a week. But, the multiple times per day is just causing her to resent her kids. She asks for your advice on whether she would be justified in feeding her kids only once a week. You obviously tell her that she should continue feeding her kids three times per day because that's what they need and good mothers meet their children's needs.

Her actions, of feeding her kids three times per day, are fine. Her attitude, of wanting to feed them once a week, is not. Would you call her a selfish mother? Or would you defend her and say that's she's just being true to her thoughts and feelings?

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Originally Posted by Trenton View Post
Even though I might agree with you that 12x's a year is not a healthy marriage for either man or woman, what I find so strange is that you don't find fault with a man forcing a woman into an over sex'd marriage.
Because that's not the issue here. I would. I would also find fault with a man who beats his wife. Should we bring up all the possible sins that a man could commit in his marriage so that we can balance out the criticism of a selfish wife? Why?

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Originally Posted by Trenton View Post
Oh but who defines over sex'd right? Who says 12x's a year is sexless either? Marriage counselors? Men? Women who feel it's their duty to sex up their husbands? L/D or H/D? Sheesh.
Really. I mean, who says we should have to feed our kids three times a day? The grocery stores? Food companies? Men? Sheesh.

Seriously. Even if you don't believe the mental health professionals, of both sexes, who have a standard for defining sexless marraiges, just look through this board for numerous examples of men whose wives give them monthly (at best) "let's get this over with" sex. These men are beaten down and crushed by the rejection. It seems quite cruel to dismiss them by saying that a monthly standard is probably just some conspiracy by the patriarchy to keep wives in line.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Trenton View Post
How do we come to these conclusions? A relationship is between two people. They either get it right together or they don't. Balance. When a woman vocalizes that sex makes her feel bad but she's doing it out of obligation and wonders why. It needs to be addressed by her partner. Telling her to buck up and put out is selfish.
To the contrary. Since I don't know this woman, it is of little or no consequence to me whether she has a happy marriage or an unhappy marriage. And if her husband would be happy in a sexless marriage, then I say go for it. However, the poster stated that her husband wants frequent sex. So it's unlikely he would be happy in a sexless marriage. Given that the poster's actions already reflect a compromise to have sex with her husband a few times a week, it seems she knows that this is the reasonable course of action. So she has two choices. She could adjust her attitude so that she doesn't resent making reasonable compromises in her marriage. Or, she could change her actions to match her unreasonable and selfish attitude. It's clear that the first choice will result in a happier marriage than the second. I fail to see how trying to engender compromise in a marriage of which I am not a part, to make both spouses happier, is a selfish act. It seems more selfish to advocate for the destruction of the marriage in the name of girl power.
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Old 04-20-2012, 06:21 PM   #261 (permalink)
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PHT,
I agree with you. Actually my views on this while not popular are practical.

I am working on a sexual 10 commandments. Maybe 5 and 5. Five for the high desire, and 5 for the low desire.

My biggest issue with high drive spouses, is that they do, and allow to be done to them, crazy things that destroy the marriage.
For example: having sex with a spouse who will not kiss them
Having sex with a partner who expressly conveys disdain (or worse) for them, just before they start. Or during the act.
Allowing their partner to tease them a bit - for confirmation they still want "it", and then shut them down.

Maybe I will call this trading self respect for sex, trading self esteem for the chance at sex.
Not enforcing their boundaries for fear of eliminating the chance of sex

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Originally Posted by PHTlump View Post
They're both selfish and unreasonable. That's the comparison. It doesn't much matter the motivation behind the selfishness. It's all pretty much the same anyway. Either we want more of what feels good, or we want less of what doesn't feel good. Whether we're talking about harems, or denying husbands sex, or robbing banks, or taking candy from babies, it's selfish motivations that is the topic.


Where have I said I don't? To the contrary. I expect BOTH spouses in a marriage to compromise. You seem to expect the husbands to serve their wives and the wives to accept their husbands' service. That is selfish.


Nope. The Bunny wannabees probably like sex.


No. I never said that.


Thanks for clearing that up. It appeared you were arguing that the threat of divorce between men and selfish women, in general, was empty. Given the numbers of divorces in this country, that's obviously an erroneous conclusion.

If you believe that your husband would never divorce you, no matter how poorly you treated him, you may be right. Not knowing your husband, I have no way of knowing. Then again, you may be wrong.


You say you're LD, yet have sex 3-4x per week. It seems to me that you understand that it's your duty to engage in sex with your husband. If you disagree, try a little experiment. Stop having sex with your husband for three months. See if he has anything to say about it. If not, try to notice any changes in his behavior. If sex is truly as superfluous to a marriage as you claim, it should be no problem.


Let's put it another way. A mother of two young children, who is in your social circle, feeds her kids three times a day. When she sees you, she tells you how great her kids are, but says that she doesn't think she should be required to feed them more than once a week. She says she would happily feed them once a week. But, the multiple times per day is just causing her to resent her kids. She asks for your advice on whether she would be justified in feeding her kids only once a week. You obviously tell her that she should continue feeding her kids three times per day because that's what they need and good mothers meet their children's needs.

Her actions, of feeding her kids three times per day, are fine. Her attitude, of wanting to feed them once a week, is not. Would you call her a selfish mother? Or would you defend her and say that's she's just being true to her thoughts and feelings?


Because that's not the issue here. I would. I would also find fault with a man who beats his wife. Should we bring up all the possible sins that a man could commit in his marriage so that we can balance out the criticism of a selfish wife? Why?


Really. I mean, who says we should have to feed our kids three times a day? The grocery stores? Food companies? Men? Sheesh.

Seriously. Even if you don't believe the mental health professionals, of both sexes, who have a standard for defining sexless marraiges, just look through this board for numerous examples of men whose wives give them monthly (at best) "let's get this over with" sex. These men are beaten down and crushed by the rejection. It seems quite cruel to dismiss them by saying that a monthly standard is probably just some conspiracy by the patriarchy to keep wives in line.


To the contrary. Since I don't know this woman, it is of little or no consequence to me whether she has a happy marriage or an unhappy marriage. And if her husband would be happy in a sexless marriage, then I say go for it. However, the poster stated that her husband wants frequent sex. So it's unlikely he would be happy in a sexless marriage. Given that the poster's actions already reflect a compromise to have sex with her husband a few times a week, it seems she knows that this is the reasonable course of action. So she has two choices. She could adjust her attitude so that she doesn't resent making reasonable compromises in her marriage. Or, she could change her actions to match her unreasonable and selfish attitude. It's clear that the first choice will result in a happier marriage than the second. I fail to see how trying to engender compromise in a marriage of which I am not a part, to make both spouses happier, is a selfish act. It seems more selfish to advocate for the destruction of the marriage in the name of girl power.
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Old 04-20-2012, 07:23 PM   #262 (permalink)
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But you waited until marriage, if I'm correct?

yea. I did that whole "waiting" thing with my daughter's father and he was HORRIBLE in bed. I hated sex for a while after that.

With Hubs, I was quite frank of what I wouldn't live without. Thankfully, he felt the same way. Yay for hookin up with another HDer!!
Yeah we waited until married. Ironic that the time I didn't wait (with my GF in college) we ended up splitting but had no sexual issues, my wife and I had sex issues on day 1 of the honeymoon.

Still if I had attempted to have sex with my wife, I'm pretty certain we wouldn't have stayed together (given that it took nearly a year to successfully have sex once). I wouldn't have had my 4 lovely children, and my wife would have undoubtedly felt deeply hurt having been rejected due to something that was beyond her control (extremely painful sex, preventing even penetration).

My wife and I do love each other, so in the end I can't really complain. My wife is a wonderful mother and a great wife... she's also the best friend I've ever had (and I've had some great ones over the years). So in the end I just take the bad with the good because she's worth it.
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Old 04-20-2012, 07:29 PM   #263 (permalink)
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Has she seen a doctor for her issue? It's a real condition...but you probably know that.

Every time I read this thread, I wanna do something dirty to Hubs and he's at work! UGH!
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Old 04-20-2012, 09:23 PM   #264 (permalink)
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They're both selfish and unreasonable. That's the comparison. It doesn't much matter the motivation behind the selfishness. It's all pretty much the same anyway. Either we want more of what feels good, or we want less of what doesn't feel good. Whether we're talking about harems, or denying husbands sex, or robbing banks, or taking candy from babies, it's selfish motivations that is the topic.


Where have I said I don't? To the contrary. I expect BOTH spouses in a marriage to compromise. You seem to expect the husbands to serve their wives and the wives to accept their husbands' service. That is selfish.


Nope. The Bunny wannabees probably like sex.


No. I never said that.


Thanks for clearing that up. It appeared you were arguing that the threat of divorce between men and selfish women, in general, was empty. Given the numbers of divorces in this country, that's obviously an erroneous conclusion.

If you believe that your husband would never divorce you, no matter how poorly you treated him, you may be right. Not knowing your husband, I have no way of knowing. Then again, you may be wrong.


You say you're LD, yet have sex 3-4x per week. It seems to me that you understand that it's your duty to engage in sex with your husband. If you disagree, try a little experiment. Stop having sex with your husband for three months. See if he has anything to say about it. If not, try to notice any changes in his behavior. If sex is truly as superfluous to a marriage as you claim, it should be no problem.


Let's put it another way. A mother of two young children, who is in your social circle, feeds her kids three times a day. When she sees you, she tells you how great her kids are, but says that she doesn't think she should be required to feed them more than once a week. She says she would happily feed them once a week. But, the multiple times per day is just causing her to resent her kids. She asks for your advice on whether she would be justified in feeding her kids only once a week. You obviously tell her that she should continue feeding her kids three times per day because that's what they need and good mothers meet their children's needs.

Her actions, of feeding her kids three times per day, are fine. Her attitude, of wanting to feed them once a week, is not. Would you call her a selfish mother? Or would you defend her and say that's she's just being true to her thoughts and feelings?


Because that's not the issue here. I would. I would also find fault with a man who beats his wife. Should we bring up all the possible sins that a man could commit in his marriage so that we can balance out the criticism of a selfish wife? Why?


Really. I mean, who says we should have to feed our kids three times a day? The grocery stores? Food companies? Men? Sheesh.

Seriously. Even if you don't believe the mental health professionals, of both sexes, who have a standard for defining sexless marraiges, just look through this board for numerous examples of men whose wives give them monthly (at best) "let's get this over with" sex. These men are beaten down and crushed by the rejection. It seems quite cruel to dismiss them by saying that a monthly standard is probably just some conspiracy by the patriarchy to keep wives in line.


To the contrary. Since I don't know this woman, it is of little or no consequence to me whether she has a happy marriage or an unhappy marriage. And if her husband would be happy in a sexless marriage, then I say go for it. However, the poster stated that her husband wants frequent sex. So it's unlikely he would be happy in a sexless marriage. Given that the poster's actions already reflect a compromise to have sex with her husband a few times a week, it seems she knows that this is the reasonable course of action. So she has two choices. She could adjust her attitude so that she doesn't resent making reasonable compromises in her marriage. Or, she could change her actions to match her unreasonable and selfish attitude. It's clear that the first choice will result in a happier marriage than the second. I fail to see how trying to engender compromise in a marriage of which I am not a part, to make both spouses happier, is a selfish act. It seems more selfish to advocate for the destruction of the marriage in the name of girl power.
Whether something happens in reality or is complete fantasy doesn't matter?

We basically agree, that's the lame thing, the only difference is that I come into the conversation with a different perspective and it feels like because of that we can't agree on anything truly.

I think not having sex would change my husband. This intrigues, confuses and interests me but not sure what to do with it.

As to whether my husband would ever divorce me? Anything is possible. I don't think it will ever be because of lack of sex. My experience sort of predisposes me to a need for sex, even if it is not for sexual gratification every time. Don't know, maybe this disqualifies me as LD.

Honestly, if my husband became less interested in sex, that would be a HUGE problem for me. I'd most likely go to great lengths to try and change it and feel sad and rejected about it. I think I would even question myself and wonder if I wasn't attractive enough or if he was having an affair.

If he had a good reason (health, stress, circumstance) then I think I'd be very understanding.

This is all imaginary. Like I said, I haven't been there and like you, I don't believe anyone should feel obligated to stay in a marriage where their needs aren't being met. A man who has jumped through hoops and still has a wife that won't communicate or have sex, is not someone I'd ever place blame on. Just as I would not place blame on a woman who is LD and struggling openly & honestly about it. I'd try to figure out why. Happiness for both is what we're all after, right?

BTW you missed the irony to my playboy bunny wannabe statement. I was expressing how those women are all dolled up and place such great importance on how men view them as sex objects, that their reason for sex is not ideal. I can actually relate to it on some level as being desirous is important to me. Still, you don't care about the reasons because bottom line is...they would like sex and that's what is most important.

This is where I become conflicted. In my partner, I want to be more even while being desirous and that is the key. I am and and that is also why I stay. It's a wonderful thing to be truly seen by another and still be accepted. And perhaps that is what is missing for women or men who are in unhappy relationships and struggling with it. They feel invisible or unaccepted-both horrible, terrible feelings.

Do you think it is worse to be HD or LD and have you ever been LD? Just curious.
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Old 04-20-2012, 10:49 PM   #265 (permalink)
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I agree with TG in that your wife should have that checked out fully by as many physicians/psychologists as it takes. For the sake of both of you. You sound like an outstanding man. One of which I'd be rooting for big time. Your wife sounds just as amazing. It would be beautiful for the both of you to get on the same page sexually and make love.
If she is at all like my ex, there is absolutely no impetus on her part to 'address' the issue. And each time I brought up her seeing someone about vulvodynia or dyspareunia, she felt pressured and even offended that I was making it all about sex. And there becomes an even deeper psychological interplay. In a good deal of the research I did ... even if the woman addresses the painful sex issue ... the brain holds onto the pain association. In other words, she may be physically fine, but associates both the act, and her partner with pain nonetheless.

It's utterly friggin' tragic.

But ... swap out the partner ... and voila.
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Old 04-20-2012, 11:07 PM   #266 (permalink)
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Has she seen a doctor for her issue? It's a real condition...but you probably know that.
Fortunately it only flares up a few times a year now. The first two children almost eliminated the problem.

Yes she's been checked out by two doctors, they haven't found anything with that or other issues. She's supposedly just fine.
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Old 04-20-2012, 11:28 PM   #267 (permalink)
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Do you think you're LD? I'm curious as to how you satisfy your desire for sex? Lots of masturbation? I don't mean to be intrusive so ignore it if it's too much so.

I agree with TG in that your wife should have that checked out fully by as many physicians/psychologists as it takes. For the sake of both of you. You sound like an outstanding man. One of which I'd be rooting for big time. Your wife sounds just as amazing. It would be beautiful for the both of you to get on the same page sexually and make love.
I'm the HD one, she's LD.

Yes masturbation is how I hold off until she's ready willing and able again. Part of me is pretty sick of masturbation but not really a lot of choices.

Thanks for the kind words, it's been two steps forward and one step back the past couple of months... baby steps are very encouraging for both of us.

My wife really is an amazing woman. She lights up a room with her smile and the joy within her. I'm very blessed to have her, she really is my better half.

Maybe it's time for a 3rd doctor's opinion on the problem. Do some gynecologists specialize in sexual issues? Would it be worthwhile to call doctors in the area to see if they might be better suited to diagnose something that's perhaps not obvious to the average gynecologist?
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Old 04-21-2012, 09:27 AM   #268 (permalink)
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Maybe it's time for a 3rd doctor's opinion on the problem. Do some gynecologists specialize in sexual issues? Would it be worthwhile to call doctors in the area to see if they might be better suited to diagnose something that's perhaps not obvious to the average gynecologist?
If you are looking for some sort of sub-specialist, try a university hospital / medical center.

ETA: Even if it is not a matter of a sub-specialist, it seems that university hospitals, focusing on teaching and research, would be the most up-to-date on current developments in the field.

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Old 04-21-2012, 09:29 AM   #269 (permalink)
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Painful intercourse (dyspareunia)
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Old 04-21-2012, 10:38 AM   #270 (permalink)
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I'm obsessed about sex. My drive is in overdrive. This past week has been the longest we've gone without. We both really want to, but the timing is not very good. My hubby has been working extra hours trying to get a promotion. Then he exercises, eats, showers and the night is over after work. He's feeling the effects too. Hopefully we'll have some mind blowing sex this weekend when he returns home from taking the kids to swim lessons. I've been trying my best to be patient. I might attack him when he walks through that door! I seriously would love it 2-3 times a day, but once a day is what normally happens. I will remain patient, although its taking everything I have to keep cool.

For some reason my youngest child is going through a needy phase where she needs a little more attention from the both of us. The poor girl.

We are suppose to have a date tonight, but I'd rather stay home alone with him in the bedroom. Plus it's free.
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