Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Man, I swear I feel like a wreck today. Things have been adding up and getting progessively worse for the past five years and I'm nearing what I feel is my breaking point.
"MarieJa" created a thread here yesterday (or the day before) regarding her LD-self and her HD husband, and the effects it is having on their relationship... and now I'm here to discuss mine. I've got a lot of insight from different people just from that thread and getting inside their heads REALLY helps but now I'd like to start my own discussing my current problem to get some custom tailored advice geared toward me.
I'm a very, very HD 23 year old male, loaded with testosterone 24/7/365. My (soon to be wife) S.O. is a VERY LD 22 year old female and has been LD for as long as I've known her. Our five year relationship (seven or eight years including the friendship) is almost to the event horizon.
We're both very intelligent, deep thinking, down to earth people that share the same beliefs and values. We can sit at home and talk for hours about ANYTHING and our relationship is absolutely, irefutably perfect in every way... until you examine our sex life (or lack therof).
Since we've been dating, we've averaged sex once a month, twice if we're very lucky. I crave it every moment of the day, waking or not, just like any healthy, early 20's male in the world. I understand that that is an unrealistic expectation and have NO qualms in finding a compromise or "middle ground" where the both of us can be happy. Once a week? Hell yeah! I'm ok with that! Twice or three times a week.... I don't know if my mind would be able to compute that amount of change haha But in all seriousness, sex just four times a month would be more than enough to *at least curb* my appetite. It just isn't happening and isn't feasible according to her.
After reading MarieJa's post today and seeing it mentioned multiple times, I went downstairs and just blatanly and open/honestly asked my fiance...
"Do you feel that sex with my is a chore?"
Her reponse... "F*ck yeah." while walking off to the bathroom to finish getting ready for work.
Honestly... at the deepest level, this pretty much broke my heart. At least she was honest, though.
Here's the thing. When we discuss the issue at hand and try to find a middle ground, her response is always the same (as it is for pretty much any problem that crops up on her end of the court in any situtation)... "I just don't have the desire for you, there's no passion... why would I want to 'give myself away' to someone that can't give me everything?"
Ok, that can be interpreted in a number of ways but first let me take my defense so you guys get the full circle story.
I'm a volunteer Paramedic (following my father's footsteps, as an EMT and police officer) and run my own business doing IT work. All in all, I make ~$50,000/yr.*
She is going to school for nursing (again, following her family's footsteps) and is working a retail job at a local clothing store.
She says that she's pissed because I'm not doing anything with my life, I have no motivation and I never went to school (I guess the training from EMT-B to "I" to "P" and my Firefighter I/II don't count as school since it's not an actual degree). That's what I've gathered, at least.
But when it comes to chores, she does NOTHING around the house. Same with sex, she's too tired, too hungry, gotta get up early, etc. I do EVERYTHING. I wash the clothes, do the dishes, vaccum, dust, clean, straighten/organize, take care of our 3 dogs, work on both of our cars + my project track-car BMW and generally work my ass off. I buy groceries, I go shopping for them, I cook dinner, I do everything myself. It's like living with a really ****ty roommate that I love to death and I KNOW she loves me... she just has very odd/left-field ways of showing it. And the comment about sex being a chore... that's obviously not the only chore she despises.
My father died, she was the only person that really comforted me. She had my ass. She's ALWAYS had my ass. But sexually...... NOTHING. She's emotionally available 99.8% of the time but sexually available isn't a part of her vocuablary.
I'm a good looking guy. I used to HATE my looks and my self-esteem suffered greatly but over the years I've learned to completely lose my ego and learn to accept and love myself for who I am. Because if I have issues loving me, then no one else will.... so here I am. I'm a lover. That's what I do. I'm FULL of love.
But as a man (well, maybe a "young man" or "young grasshopper" haha) I have very serious problems, like most men do, in FEELING LOVED when there's no sexual desire from our partner.*
I'm sure my feelings are shared with many men with this statement... "If YOU, my LOVER, doesn't accept me and WANT me, DESIRE ME, RAVISH ME, compliment me, LOVE ME... then who the hell else would???"
I'm at the end of my rope. EMS is killing me on the inside and is causing me to become hard/cold and almost bitter. I'm getting burnt out. My fiance doesn't want me and that is the big hitter.
I love her so much it hurts. I'm *always* telling her how cute and sexy she looks, I love her hair, I like that dress, I love that shirt on you, your eyes are so pretty, kisses, hugs, holding hands, cuddling on the couch and in bed, doing things and having fun together.... I do everything I possibly can to make her happy and to create the perfect environment for our relationship to grow but she does NOTHING to recripocate *sexually*. I NEED THAT.
Talking about it with her does absolutely nothing. She reminds me SO much of "MarieJa". Almost selfish, as much as it hurts for me to say it. If we DO get into bed, I'm all over her. Carressing, loving, licking, nibling, kissing, getting her off 5-10 times before I finally do. HER pleasure is sooo much more important than my own. I'm a giver. I'll do ANYTHING if it feels good to her or makes her happy... but she's the type, as she said, "it's a chore" to reciprocate. Don't get me wrong, when we do have sex, usually it's f*cking amazing.... but it's only once a month.*
And THAT is a very big problem for me.
Does anyone have any input on this? I'm working all day/night so I may not be available to reply til tomorrow but any help is very appreciated!
PS: After getting her to read MarieJa's posts in her thread, her response was "Wow, that's SPOT ON!" for whatever it's worth. Insight? Posted via Mobile Device
But when it comes to chores, she does NOTHING around the house. Same with sex, she's too tired, too hungry, gotta get up early, etc. I do EVERYTHING. I wash the clothes, do the dishes, vaccum, dust, clean, straighten/organize, take care of our 3 dogs, work on both of our cars + my project track-car BMW and generally work my ass off. I buy groceries, I go shopping for them, I cook dinner, I do everything myself. It's like living with a really ****ty roommate that I love to death and I KNOW she loves me... she just has very odd/left-field ways of showing it. And the comment about sex being a chore... that's obviously not the only chore she despises.Posted via Mobile Device
Hi lost ~
Your fiancee sounds insensitive, immature, and selfish.
I think you should question what it is that you really want out of marriage. You don't necessarily need to be entirely sexually compatible in drives as long as you are compatible in you each having a desire to please the other and make them a priority. I don't think it sounds like your fiancee is doing this.
And.... just for you. I high-lighted a part of your post. Why are you willing to do ALL of these things? Go take this assessment and see what you score on it:
Long story short, marriage is a matter of mutual reciprocity. If your fiancee is not willing to be mutually receptive and mutually giving to you, and you to her ... in all ways ... then you should seriously contemplate whether she is the right person for you to marry...and whether you yourself are at the right point in your life and maturity to be married.
I'm a very, very HD 23 year old male, loaded with testosterone 24/7/365. My (soon to be wife) S.O. is a VERY LD 22 year old female and has been LD for as long as I've known her. Our five year relationship (seven or eight years including the friendship) is almost to the event horizon. But when it comes to chores, she does NOTHING around the house. Same with sex, she's too tired, too hungry, gotta get up early, etc. I do EVERYTHING. I wash the clothes, do the dishes, vaccum, dust, clean, straighten/organize, take care of our 3 dogs, work on both of our cars + my project track-car BMW and generally work my ass off. I buy groceries, I go shopping for them, I cook dinner, I do everything myself. It's like living with a really ****ty roommate that I love to death and I KNOW she loves me... she just has very odd/left-field ways of showing it. And the comment about sex being a chore... that's obviously not the only chore she despises.
But as a man (well, maybe a "young man" or "young grasshopper" haha) I have very serious problems, like most men do, in FEELING LOVED when there's no sexual desire from our partner.*
Does anyone have any input on this? I'm working all day/night so I may not be available to reply til tomorrow but any help is very appreciated!
PS: After getting her to read MarieJa's posts in her thread, her response was "Wow, that's SPOT ON!" for whatever it's worth. Insight? Posted via Mobile Device
Hi,
from what I read you are a Nice Guy, like me.
Try to read the things I highlighted in bold. How do you feel about that?Do you think it's fair?
Have you already planned your marriage? If so I would strongly suggest a delay, for your own sake.
Read the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy!" By Robert Glover, it will help you.
To me this woman has you "by the balls". She is nice, but is controlling you. She has everything she wants in her life. She is happy. Why would she worry about your feelings?
Hope this will help you understand what you are going through. It' not just lack of sex.
IMO don't get married until you come to some sort of compromise that you both can realistically live with and want on sex (and don't get her pregnant for now). That broken heart you felt at her honest response to your question on sex (while it's great that she is honest, encourage her)... that feeling will only deepen over the years if this is not addressed.
Trust me. I have a sex drive like yours and my wife's is low, only difference is 15 years of marriage and 4 kids. Unless your drive tapers off, this will be an agonizing issue to deal with. Your frustrations will turn to resentment if you two don't work this out.
Your fiance may not see therapy as important, but it is for the both of you.
Therapy may be expensive, but this problem won't go away and you'll eventually be paying somewhere down the line on this both in terms of dollars and heart ache.
If your fiance feels that sex with you is a chore, find someone else. Sexual compatibility is huge in marriage, and it is an issue that is not easily negotiated. You have read the postings of women who are LD. They do not understand the expression of love through sex. They feel that their bodies are being used by their husbands. Used. How do you counter that?
You are also doing more than your share around the house, and that can lead to being taken for granted and disrespected by your partner. Marriage is the most important relationship that you will have in your life. I would say Run, Forrest, Run.
If your fiance feels that sex with you is a chore, find someone else. Sexual compatibility is huge in marriage, and it is an issue that is not easily negotiated. You have read the postings of women who are LD. They do not understand the expression of love through sex. They feel that their bodies are being used by their husbands. Used. How do you counter that?
You are also doing more than your share around the house, and that can lead to being taken for granted and disrespected by your partner. Marriage is the most important relationship that you will have in your life. I would say Run, Forrest, Run.
Please don't marry this girl...as wonderful as she is now this will cause you to REALLY resent/hate her in time.
She needs to find her self a LD man and you need to find a HD girl who will adore and lust for you!
HD married to LD is never (rarely) a recipe for a happy marriage.
There are so many red flags here that I don't even know where to start. No sex, no chores, pissed at your career choice, etc.
Why are you with her?
I'm going to third the motion that you need to Run Forest Run. You deserve so much more than this. You deserve to be wanted, to be desired, to feel passion, to have someone be proud to be called the wife of an EMT/police officer AND my gosh someone that will help out at home....geesh.
Forget the HD vs LD stuff for a moment. The bit about her ragging on you about your career. Seriously, it's not like your sitting around eating Cheetos all day. IMO it's the character of the person, not the job, that makes a person great.
Respect is a big part of marriage, from what you described you have a lot of attributes women would respect... and if you're current GF can't see that you are in the wrong relationship.
You are at the high point of your relationship, when her behavior is at its best.
Nothing is going to get better than it is now. In fact, the opposite will occur.
There is someone better matched for you. She surely is not a good match.
Would you buy a boat to sail around the world that had a large hole in it and was sinking at the dock? Would you buy an appliance that you knew was broken and had no warranty?
You already instinctively know how things will turn out, or you wouldn't be asking the question.
DO NOT MARRY HER.
Get out now and find someone you are compatible with.
Run! Run! Run! Run! ..then run some more. As miserable as this wretch is now, she's showing her very best side. She has zero respect for you, thinks you're her maid, thinks she has the right to treat you and speak to you as if you're something stuck on her shoe. She devalues your education, occupation, and earning potential. She's just another lazy, self-absorbed, American Princess who believes a relationship requires nothing on her part but you will be forced to leap through endless hoops of fire. This heifer is not about commitment but about the transaction. "why should I give (any part of) myself to someone who isn't going to give me EVERYTHING." There is no room for "What's in it for me?" when it comes to marriage.
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Very HD man with very LD woman. Need advice! 
