Sexless marriage - update
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 04-16-2012, 02:52 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Sexless marriage - update

Hi all. So I have posted before, a few months back, about the lack of sex in my marriage and I wanted to follow up.

Still no sex since June 2010 and last night I stated plainly to my wife that I simply cannot tolerate this much longer and I cannot live in a sexless marriage. I did not intend to spark a huge argument, but needless to say, we had a huge argument. Oh, how I yearn for the days when arguments finished up with apologetic make-up sex of the tenderest kind. Now, arguments simply end in tears and sleepless nights and a mutual attempt to forget the problem the next day.

I said she needs to find a way to fix this because I have tried everything. All she could say is that she is tired and gives everything she has into being a mother, and has nothing left to give as a wife. Well I think that is bullsh*t quite frankly. Since when are mothers and wives mutually exclusive things? Since when do mothers stop having sex? It's not like I want sex in the middle of nappy-changing or baby-feeding for Christ sake! Just once a month, love-making quietly in the dead of night would be great. But that's asking too much.

End result she threatened to walk out and leave me. Frankly I was tempted to say "go ahead" - and I would have, if it weren't for the prospect of losing my darling son. Instead I said "you might as well, there's no relationship here any more, no marriage, no sex. If you walk out, I'll get the same amount of sex I've got for the last 2 years". I might as well be a bachelor the way I live now.

I tried to explain that I am not a sex-crazed pervert, I'm just a man, with a man's needs. I LOVE her and I desperately want to be a husband, a lover, a MAN, but thanks to her denial of sex for nearly 2 years, I have lost myself, been rejected time and again by her, cast adrift, cut lose, shut out from the intimacy I once knew. I tried to explain that although we are parents we must also keep hold of a RELATIONSHIP between the two of us. I tried to explain that I was sad. I cried.

She cried too and then said that she was tired and didn't need this and then she went to sleep.

For some reason I felt compelled to apologise. I held her while she went to sleep. Then I felt myself becoming aroused and had to turn over, and sleep with my hard **** and swollen balls pressed against my pillow, trying to thing of boring things to make me sleep.

I do all I can to help her. I do all I can to take the tiredness away. To be a helpful and supportive father. I work hard to provide for my family. I get NOTHING in return.

Is this the end? Should I quit now, or is there any hope in hell of saving this marriage?
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Old 04-16-2012, 03:00 PM   #2 (permalink)
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You can't know if it can be saved, until you are prepared to accept leaving as a potential outcome.
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Old 04-16-2012, 03:01 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sexless marriage - update

Insist on some type of marriage counseling

This is a journey that will end poorly down the line if it isn't handled soon!

I waited my wife out for too long, constantly being assured thigs would get better after the kids (3) were older.

Still waiting and the "kids" are 13, 18 and 21!
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Old 04-16-2012, 03:05 PM   #4 (permalink)
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If she takes hormonal birth control please have her quit and use condoms for awhile.

Your story sounds exactly like mine and hubby while I was on BC pills.

Worth a shot , we went from sex 1x every month or two to 4-6 times a week (average guess)

Anyway we had a happy ending, worth a shot.
I actually joined this blog just to pass this information in the hope it will help some couples bypass alot of pain

Good luck.
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Old 04-16-2012, 03:11 PM   #5 (permalink)
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You need to let her walk out the door next time. Sorry but after reading your back story then this, it seems as if she honestly does not care even a little bit. Let her go. I mean wow.
How exactly would you lose your child if you got divorced?

P.S. As long as she can blackmail you with tears and threats, that is all you will ever get from her so yes if you keep the same attitude this will NEVER change.
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Old 04-16-2012, 03:19 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sexless marriage - update

You two should see a MC if you haven't already. Additionally if she really walks out, let her (as painful as that will be). She is using that threat as a bully stick when talking with you and frankly using that as a threat just doesn't help any discussion.
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Old 04-16-2012, 03:27 PM   #7 (permalink)
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You are wasting your time.!
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Old 04-16-2012, 04:28 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by mousecat View Post
For some reason I felt compelled to apologise. I held her while she went to sleep. Then I felt myself becoming aroused and had to turn over, and sleep with my hard **** and swollen balls pressed against my pillow, trying to thing of boring things to make me sleep.

I do all I can to help her. I do all I can to take the tiredness away. To be a helpful and supportive father. I work hard to provide for my family. I get NOTHING in return.
So while it is no guarantee, I see one problem here in that your actions don't match your words. Your argue over the lack of sex, then turn around and act like it is really no big deal (while throwing in an apology on top of it). You should not be surprised she has not changed. Your actions are very clearly communicating that what you say on the subject should be ignored. You will likely have little success until you your actions and words align.
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Old 04-16-2012, 04:35 PM   #9 (permalink)
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You haven't had sex for TWO years...good grief... how long are you going to wait before you take some real action.

NO-ONE is that tired unless they have some horrid disease or they've been lost in the bush for a month, I'd suggest a full and complete medical she must be very poorly.... then some MC and/or IC.

You've GOT to do something proactive or else you'll be in this same situation in 5 or 10 years times.... hows that grab ya?
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Old 04-16-2012, 05:12 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Don't think for a minute it will get better without drastic measures on your part.

Even with drastic measures, the odds are very very slim you will have the kind of relationship you want long-term.

If she figures out you are willing to walk, she might give in for a while, but that renewal will likely end after a relatively short period of time, leaving you even more frustrated, and once again torn because you have bonded to her again. That was my experience, anyway.
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Old 04-16-2012, 10:49 PM   #11 (permalink)
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"APPOLOGIZE?!!!" - For what?
"Held her?!!!" - Why?

You are going insane because you are doing the same thing over and over - yielding the same result for two years.
Read: Stop Trying To Make Her Like You | Married Man Sex Life
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Old 04-16-2012, 10:51 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Divorce her. She just said she doesn't have time to be your wife.

I really can't stand parents like that. She should have gone to a sperm bank. Dang.
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Old 04-17-2012, 12:16 AM   #13 (permalink)
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There was just mention on NPR Radio about a study done of mothers who have dedicated themselves to their children to the extent of EXCLUSION of their relationship to their husbands. It has been a trend - plague! - among the "hovercraft/soccer moms" in my area. It seems they all compete to see who can raise the 'best kid.' IT GETS NUTS!! My wife and I are one of the few couples (semi-happily married) in the "Mom Network" who are not divorced. It takes work, awareness, gaming, and constant alertness to sh*t testing. This summer she 'slipped' and said something to the effect, "I've got to take care of the kids, you are big enough to take care of yourself." I said nothing, but did act accordingly. I went out and had a good time. When the "Where are you?" and similar texts started coming, my response was "Taking care of myself." I came home when I was d*mn good and ready. The next day I initiated the discussion of "Are you in love with me, or do you just love me like your friend ex-wives X,Y & Z who are now divorced - the ones who gave their husbands the ILYBINILWY speeches?" She assured me that she did love me AND was in love with me. (Had better be - one of her friend ex-wive friends hit on me about 6 months ago.)

Since then (which was about the same time as I discovered Athol), I have been working on myself and being sure I keep a watchful eye on the dynamics of the relationship - with me in role of a Captain "with an edge." Sex is improving AND she is improving. I never would have thought that 18 years of busting my butt professionally to provide for the "cave" that we have/she wanted, would have resulted in a negative impact on our sexual relationship - especially since the cave is better than all the friend ex-wife's caves. I probably spoiled her - by letting her think that my letting her steer the ship was the same as being Captain. Wrong!
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Old 04-17-2012, 12:32 AM   #14 (permalink)
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I love my children. I would die for my children. I am a mother, but I'm a wife first.

Sure, kids need more when they are smaller, but they also sleep. That's when Hubs and I grabbed time for ourselves.

We would work our BUTTS OFF to get the kids to bed and get their needs met so we could have more time together

My kids are awesome and well rounded, and even though I'm their mommy, I am my husband's wife first. That doesn't mean I ignore my children, I just remember to hang up the mommy hat when they go to bed.

hell, even when they're awake, I'm still Hubs' wife. Just tonight we were "soooooo disgusting" as we snuggled on the couch playing with the kids. "OMG! Stop touching each other!" our 12 year old said. "It's soooo gross."

We were just being dumb and snuggling and stealing kisses I told her she will be this lucky someday

There's no excuse to ignore your husband...or wife. If that's the mindset, then set them free.
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Old 04-17-2012, 12:55 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by LadyFrogFlyAway View Post
Yes, and now for the million dollar question. WHY do so many women get this mindset?
No data, so this is coming straight out of my posterior, but my theory is:

It's fallout from NOW's (National Organization for Women) message that women don't need men in their lives (I remember hearing that message alot around my dad's GF growing up). A generation of young women have grown up hearing and believing it. This coupled with lots of men who would rather act like boys and goof around than really be the father to their children... and viola.

While it's true that women don't "need" a man in their life per se... it's sure as heck a lot easier with 2 folks parenting. I think the kids benefit from having a good father around.

Feel free though to tear down my theory, I realize it may be just hot air.
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