Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Well me and my wife have been having an awesome sex-life lately, we've both identified the need for it and have agreed to a minimum of 3 times a week. Last week was like 5 times though....
Anyhow all is good w/ that, but last night in the heat of the moment my wife looked at me while we were making love and said to me "you might get mad if I say this, but sex is the best part of this marriage!"
After sex she said to me "where's that man during the day, at night you're a whole different man and during the day your immature and annoying."
So I analyze this and try to make meaning of it....where is she coming from? Okay, so I get the fact that sex w/ me is good, actually GREAT is a better way to put it! She must have had at least 4/5 big "O's" last night and boy was it fun, but today these comments got me thinking...
What does she expect of me during the day to make her happy? I try being attentive of her needs during the day, tell her I love her, flirt w/ her, of course help clean around the house, etc. Now, I will admit that sometimes I have my immature moments and act like a high school kid, i.e joke around about something sexual, or say something like "you said hard!"
It's natural to me....I'm 26 years old and yes naturally I do act immature sometimes. I think mainly she may be talking about when I get hurt about things and I just walk out type of thing. Yesterday before our nightly "events," when I first got home, she and I were talking about my daughter having a school trip coming up in March and another in April. I mentioned to her that I'd like for us to volunteer and go w/ the school for the April trip and asked if she was volunteering for the March trip? I told her that if she voluteered, I'd then like to go too...
Might sound funny, but I actually enjoy/like doing things w/ her, like spending time w/ her, etc. Well she turns around and tells me "just cause I'm going to volunteer, doesn't mean that you have to. I can volunteer and go by myself, I don't need you to hold my hand."
I'm sorry, but my feelings got really hurt... What that told me is "I don't enjoy spending time w/ you the way you enjoy it and I want to do things by myself." This really hurt me, so I told her, "fine, do whatever you want, I don't care" (I walked out the door at this time) my thought process at this time was fine, she can do whatever she wants, I don't need to want to do things w/ someone who doesn't want to do things w/ me.
Well, I think this is an example of the way she thinks I'm immature. What did I do wrong, should I have stood up to her (more backbone) and told her what to do. I don't want to be an ass, but I really am a bit confused as to what she wants from me during the day.
Does she want me to act like a 50 year old....talk about the weather, our cholestorol, etc... LoL... I mean, how does she want me to mature? In bed I'm aggressive and take control, I make what I want her to be in bed and she loves that. Could that be what she wants from me during the day? More backbone and firmness? I just don't want to be mean about it and hurt her feeling...
Thanks for listening/reading and any of your responses...
"fine, do whatever you want, I don't care" (I walked out the door at this time) "
this might be what she was talking about. It was kind of childish, to say that, and walk out, all because she said something that didn't jive with you, or hurt your feelings. Wait!!!!! I am Not saying you are immature, that is only one example, and I don't know you. But, when she says mature, I'm fairly sure what she means is Not being aggressive and taking control, although that might be something she wants from you, but you'd have to ask her. Maturity in general doesn't mean taking control of a situation. It means dealing with it in a productive way. No one can be that way all the time, I'm not either, and sometimes, when my hubby says something I don't like, or that upsets me, I act "immaturely" too... we all are guilty of it.
But, next time she does that, or you get your feelings hurt, instead of taking the more kid like route and just saying "fine"! then, try talking to her about it, calmly, and rationally, and just tell her, "well, when you say things like that, it's a bit of a bummer to me, and hurts my feelings" Likely, she will be the one apologizing.
It sounds like you guys are Both young, and that's so Great! You should both enjoy being young, and full of energy. There will come a day, when you are both boring and old ! haha... Good luck.
ps... tell her sweetly, that saying things like that while you're shagging,,, is kind of a mood killer. At least it would be for me.
Yes Yes Yes. More firmness, but always in a fun and cheeky way. Never let it get serious. Keep up the flirting and joking.
Could you elaborate on the fun and cheeky way w/ the example I provided? She doesn't seem to take orders well and doesn't like to be told what to do (so it seems that way anyhow).
How would I go about telling her that I'd like for both of us to volunteer for the April trip and that I don't want either of us volunteering for the March trip?
We agreed to both volunteer for both trips, but my honest "want" is that we only volunteer for the April trip and none of us for March...
I know had I told her that I don't want her to volunteer, she would have rebelled and got defensive, she would have gotten angry and said "who are you to tell me what to do?"
So you can see my dilema, she wants me to be more firm, yet doesn't want to be told what to do and I don't want to be controlling and hurt her feeling either...
Here's another interesting topic I have since we are on the "sex" topic. Awhile back during foreplay before sex, she got so hot and wild and she kept asking/begging me to grab her vagina. Well I did have my hands all over it, but she kept insisting that I grab it, I was thinking "WTF, my hands are all over it, I can't grab it anymore!"
After a few more sessions, I kind of figured out what she wanted, she really likes it when I stick my two middle fingers in her and place my palm high (near the public bone area) and really grab her hard/rough and hold it. She also enjoys "dirty talk" while I do this, things like tell her "this is my *****," etc.
She really enjoys that and for a while I couldn't comprehend what she wanted from me. Glad I figured it out... Anyone else's wife like something simuliar to this?
Any girls out there who enjoy this type thing also? Thanks for the replies and keep them coming, I need all the advise I can get to keep my marriage and sex-life going strong!
As far as the volunteering goes, tell her exactly what you feel about it. Don't hold back. You sound like a man who tailors his comments about future commitments out of the fear of the reaction he will get.
Speak your mind. You can still compromise over the actual details - only you can make that call - but never pretend your point of view is different to what it is, that is just being morally weak.
As for the cheeky stuff - a lot of women like dirty talk and cheek. You have to get the timing right. You've already said she likes it in the bedroom. Chances are you can get away with it outside the bedroom but you have to judge the moment right.
Some women like it, as long as it's not in front of anyone, or at least certain people. On the other hand, I was very rude to my wife the other day in a cheeky way, in front of a male friend and she was grinning from ear to ear - I just managed to get it right, I was in a very c0cky confident mood that evening.
The other thing to realise is that a woman might be enjoying the cheek but still tell you off. my wife did this for years, and she completely put me of the scent! Eventually I realised that her telling me off was part of the banter - the idea is that the "bad boy" types are rude against their will. As long as it's all friendly and playful...
Good point Deejo... I think women are just complicated and us men just aren't meant to understand them. LoL...
I want her so much and I show it to her ALOT....it's kind of hard to find that middle-ground where I can show her I want/need her but am still independant and self-confident.
As part of an experiment recently, I started new things....changed up my wardrobe, bought some nice clothes, started dressing better, shaving more often, colgne, etc. I also took up the hobby of reading but am reading books that will increase my knowledge on the subject of sex, I just finished reading the Khama Sultra book, I forget the exact title, but it deals w/ the history of different positions and goes through the 125+ different positions.
Well, this along w/ my treating her better, flirting w/ her, telling her I love her all the time, give her a glance or a kiss all of a sudden and really making her feel wanted has really helped me out in the bedroom. I was one of these guys who didn't used to get any sex, maybe once a week if I was lucky!
Now the bare minimum is 3 times a week and it isn't boring sex either. It's passionate love-making then onto the rough stuff, plaing ****ing!
Sometimes while she's into it, she tells me to try a new position I've learned, etc. It's really fun and this experiment is proving to be successful, I just want to satisfy her more than just in bed. I want her to take me as a real person and not just a sex buddy....though I don't mind that either.