kag123

I think my husband and I have a decent sex life. We have two young children - ages 2 and 3 - that demand a lot of our attention, we both work full time and have lots of stress in our lives. We have a good relationship, fight infrequently, and we have sex probably once every 7-10 days. I think we would both ideally like to have sex more often, but we are usually so exhausted at the end of our days that we both make advances and promises while the kids are awake for some fun later in the night, then find ourselves passed out on the couch before we make good on those promises.

Anyway! Since having children we've both put on some weight. I am not 100% thrilled with the way my body looks - I am the same weight on the scale as I was pre-baby, but with a lot less time to work out and with a thyroid condition (being diagnosed currently) that makes it hard for me to get control over my shape. I feel confident enough to be naked in front of my husband and to have sex, just a little softer than I'd like.

My husband has battled with weight his whole life. He was overweight as a teenager - his whole family was very big - then they all went on Weight Watchers when he was in his early 20's and he lost 90lbs on it. When I met him and started dating him, he was at his lowest weight. Through dating (we ate out a lot, went drinking frequently) he put on about 15-20lbs. I didnt mind, I still love him and find him attractive. When I got pregnant with both kids, he put on weight with me, probably another 15-20lbs. Since then we've both dieted on and off but nothing has ever really "stuck". I do not put weight on as easily as he does. He is probably about 40lbs overweight, and I've noticed that over the last six months he's been steadily gaining little by little.

I still find him attractive. We still have sex. However - he seems to have a weight threshold...I notice when he passes that threshold that his stamina takes a hit. He is tired more often. When we do have sex, he doesnt last as long and gets tired out more easily. He complains of things like heartburn and inability to sleep well.

I want him to be healthy, but I do not want to give him a complex about his weight. I know that he KNOWS he is putting on weight, and he is a stress eater and sneaks food. I love him and do not want to put more stress on him by unkindly telling him he needs to cut out the eating. I try to remove most of the trigger foods from the house - we recently had a battle over the kids easter candy, we had baskets and baskets of it and the kids only eat 1-2 pieces each day. I wasn't eating it at all. I would wake up each morning and see 20 candy wrappers on the kitchen counter, which means he got up in the middle of the night and was bingeing on it. One day I just took it all to work, and left nothing behind. The kids and my husband were mad at me, but I felt it was the only good thing to do to help the situation.

I grew up very differently and have very different opinions about food. I grew up in a house where my mom cooked and baked frequently, and there were always snacks and junk food, candy, chips, soda and stuff in the house. I just never had the desire to binge on it. We would eat healthy meals and then eat these things in moderation as a treat once in awhile. So stuff like having to hide or give away the easter candy is not something I am used to doing. Even as a child my easter candy would last me until Halloween - not kidding.

I cook 90% of our meals and try to make them healthy. His problem is portioning. I make his plate for him, he will always clean his plate completely and I can tell he is still hungry, but he will rarely go eat seconds. Later at night when I fall asleep (I have a tendency to fall asleep on the couch before I make it to bed these days) I notice there is about 1-1.5 hours of time that passes when I have fallen asleep and he does not wake me right away to go to bed. During this time he will eat another meal, either leftovers from dinner or any kind of junk that we may have in the house at the time.

My biggest peeve - beyond is health, which I do worry about first - is how it affects our sex life - which is why I am posting in this section. We have very good sex but I remember back to the days when he was a bit lighter (like the last time we dieted and he dropped 15lbs very easily) and his stamina was so much better, he was more agile in bed, he had better and longer lasting erections, he was not out of breath. I also think it affects his sex drive to be heavy. He seems to want sex less often and sometimes turns me down just saying he doesn't feel well.

What would you do - I want to be kind. I feel that reminding him of his weight is not a kind thing to do, I certainly dont like to be told I am fat or pudgy because there is already a lot of self-loathing going on and you don't need the person closest to you pointing out your flaws. KWIM?

Almostrecovered

sounds like he needs to slow down when he eats, the brain doesn't know the stomach is full for a good 20 minutes

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Browncoat

Eating late at night, while tempting, is the worst as far as loosing weight. Cut that out and be willing to go to bed a bit hungry (you won't starve). If you absolutely must eat then have a carrot or celery, i.e. something very low calorie.

Get rid of the snack food... just gone, no need for that temptation.

Take a family walk each night (each of you carry/push a kid). The kids will absolutely love it, and if you do that for 20-30 minutes you will over time find you have more energy. It's also excellent family time! I find I get the best conversations from my kids when I get their legs moving (a few more years down the road... but it comes fast).

Don't focus on the sex right now per se. I'd say focus on your health just a bit, and the sex will follow.

Mrs.K

My husband is a junk food junky so I feel your pain. Only with him he is lucky and doesn't gain any weight. If I ever ate what he did late at night like he does I would be huge.

I am not sure how I would handle this because men can be a lot more sensitive about their weight and appearance than we would think.

While you are making dinner maybe you could hand him some water. It helps fill you up and staying hydrated is good anyway because a lot of times we mistake thirst for hunger.

I know you guys both have busy schedules but maybe you could take a walk with the kids after dinner??

Another thing I started eating recently for the health benefits are chia seeds. They have all your omega 3's and are great at keeping you full.

L.M.COYL

I subscribe to the holistic health model and have found that it works for me. Making sure that I am active every day and exercise vigorously every other day, eating nutricious meals and not overeating (fist size portions), addressing my social, spiritual, family, etc needs all are important. Keep it simple; follow your gut instincts and trust your intuition when they tell you an idea is good or not. In terms of communicating that to your husband, I would address your concerns honestly and directly, then take it from there.

lovinmyhubby223

The sexual effects aside, being overweight has other health issues that could lead to more serious conditions. Let your husband know your concerned about his health, such as high cholesterol and insulin resistance [an early indicator of type 2 diabetes] not to mention heart conditions. Let him know you want him around for a long time and getting control over his weight will help toward that goal. In the meantime while you and he are getting healthier so you can be around to see your children get married and enjoy some grandchildren you have also fixed his sexual issues as well.
There’s a good article on weight and sex on Web MD;
Better Sex: What's Weight Got to Do with It?
Instead of focusing on his weight try to make overall suggestions, like someone said earlier take walks at night, suggest activities for the whole family that get you up and moving, try to cook as healthy as possible for the whole family and eliminate the sweets and junk food that way your never addressing him or his weight directly but he should still benefit from the changes.
Good luck to you!

Nsweet

I had weight issues my whole life as well. The best thing that worked for my appetite was to try fasting for 24 full hours once a week. NO REALLY, it's pretty much reprogrammed my appetite so now I eat more like a healthy adult and during the fast the sight of junk food grosses me out..... There's that and I worked at a bakery for a while so I can't eat another slice of cake at all in my life. Even if my last meal was birthday cake and ice cream I'd have to pass.

kag123

Thank you all for the replies.

This has been an ongoing struggle for him his whole life. He's been yo-yoing up and down in weight his whole life, well before I was ever in the picture.

He knows about dieting, exercising, portion sizes, calorie counting, getting active, all the tricks. He has researched, he is under medical care, he's been down every path and back again. He is not naive. He knows what he needs to do to lose the weight, but sometimes it is not that easy. I can relate. We all have vices, we all have unhealthy habits. His is food. His relationship with food is so much more complex than I think I could ever begin to understand and it's been going a lot longer than our relationship has.

There was a time, about two years ago right after I had our second child when he had a health scare due to his weight and I was also wanting to lose weight myself. It started with us going on a diet together (weight watchers). I have NEVER struggled with my weight and have never dieted, ever. It was my first time. It became a very bad thing for us and for our relationship. It became an obsession, all that we could both think about is how we were depriving ourselves, or beat ourselves up for any slips we made, or berating ourselves for not getting in enough exercise. Truthfully it was stressful. I became his mommy, constantly watching every bite he put in his mouth, counting his steps and exercise for him, planning his calories, planning our meals out down to the ounce. I hated it. I fell off the wagon. Our relationship suffered. I can't do that again.

We are very active people. I will call it "casually active", as in we do the things you mentioned - we actually walk to the stores instead of drive whenever we can, take the stairs, plan outings on the weekends that involve an activity such as walking the park, playing soccer, riding bikes, etc. That kind of activity isn't enough to make his weight budge significantly (probably because of how much he eats on a daily basis). I find it is the same for me though. It takes hardcore workouts for both of us to really see a difference and he has no interest in joining a gym, and working out at home does not interest him either. It is also very hard to find the time with working overtime most nights and two young children at home.

Anyway - I feel like I am rambling. My point was it's a delicate balance for us that I not get too involved in his personal eating habits or his weight battle.

I am a blunt person by nature. I don't mean to be that way and I have a habit of sticking my foot in my mouth, not just in my marraige but in all relationships in my life. I desperately want to be more poised, thoughtful, gentle and kind. I have attempted to kindly be honest with him in the past when his weight has crept up to a bad level (the threshold I spoke of) and I can see how much it hurts him when I say those things to him. He won't outwardly say anything except for "I know that I am fat." but I see the hurt in his eyes and know that he feels that I am telling him I find him unattractive. The truth is that I am still very much attracted to him no matter what weight he is and still desire him, but of course I do notice that things are different when he is heavier. They just are.

I feel stuck.

Almostrecovered

you need your approach to be where he won't get defensive and shut down

tricky to say the least- you need to be positive while offering constructive criticism

"honey, I need to talk to you about an important issue and I ask that you not get upset because my intentions are purely out of love and care for you. You are the love of my life and and despite what weight you are you will always be sexy to me. However I fear that your current weight gain may be affecting not only your health but the ability to do things as we please. (if he asks what "things" then you tell him, but he may already know and not wish to ask, this way you tell him without being blunt) I would like to support you in any way that I can to help you with this." and then you go on with a plan for him to lose weight and what you will do to help...

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notperfectanymore

He is an emotional eater.....sounds like he is using it to "cope" with self esteem issues, was raised like that.....

I know this because I am one...currently working on that now...I am blessed to be 6 feet tall so I carry my weight well, but....

Would he consider counseling of some sort?

ChubbieOwl

This!

Speaking as the other person in this situation, yes he is clearly using food to bury other things that may be bothering him. I should know, I have had this problem since I was elementary school!!!
Would he be open for some counseling, just to see if he could find a better way to deal with whatever is going on in his mind?
I will also tell you that there is only one thing that my spouse has said or done in our entire 9 years together that helped me to deal with my eating and weight issues.
He tells me I am beautiful and sexy everyday. And he says it like he means it, so I really believe it.
Seriously, on our 1st date I weighed 150lbs. On our wedding day(5 years later) I weighed 300 lbs!!!
He never said a word about it, never even acted like he noticed.
Now, we have been married 4 years and have an almost 3 year old and I am back down to 200.
If my husband had said anything it would have destroyed my self esteem and I don't know what I would have done about my weight.
Like any other addiction, the only way a person can get past it is if they decide to do it for themselves. He has to reach a point where he can see what he is doing to himself and decide to stop and take better care of himself. Nothing you can say will get him to this point any faster and might even slow things down, setting off his trigger to binge eat.

Browncoat

Does he have any interests that he can channel some of that emotion/stress into? Something he can do in loo of eating? Preferably something he can do at home w/o depriving the family of his presence.

I know for myself I play world of warcraft a few nights a week. When we are raiding (which is pretty much all I log on for), it's 4 hours of doing little else but talking to others and killed random computer monsters. It happens that in our case I'm in a serious raiding guild (meaning there's no time to get up and wander around the house), but there are other games that do pvp (player vs player) or raiding as well... Really just suggesting if (w/o getting addicted) if there's something else late at night he can pour himself into.

Maybe even something you can do together after the kids go to bed (I don't start until 9pm myself after the kids are in bed). Before then my wife and them get my full attention.

Just a thought. I just know for many games can be quite engrossing and if you can keep the food away it might be a solid substitute late at night since y'all are already active earlier as a family.

Skate Daddy 9

I think 99% of us struggle with weight and a lot of the times both spouses are on the same cycle. You might consider saying that you would like both of you to losses some weight together. Can you both go to weight watchers and do the program together? I have had better success losing weight when my wife and I are losing together.