Ittakestwo

I am new and a little nervous about posting on this forum.

I am married to a very kind man and have been for 20+ years.

We have children High school age thru college age.

We rarely are intimate. We go for months at a time without.

I have talked with him. He was diagnosed with Diabetes a few years back and although it is much less frequent now, it wasn't frequent much before unless i pressed the issue.

I have asked him if he is not attracted to me... he always says yes and I think about you all the time, I want us to be intimate.

I realize that we now have the issue of ED... but he is not managing his disease in any way so that we can be together.

I feel rejected daily as it is not getting better, he just goes on in life like all is well, even though I have shared with him and talked to him about how he could get some help with this issue and there are things that can be done.

I am grieved, deeply... I don't believe that a marriage is soley about sex but I do believe that it is a very important part of a marriage and I feel very diconnected from him and don't know how to work through this. He is a master avoider on any issue that he does not want to face reality on... always has been and now i feel cheated in my marriage. I have many good years left to have a healthy intimate relationship with my husband and he is choosing to ignore the issues.

I'm tired of feeling sad and disconnected and angry that he has chosen to pretend it's all okay.

marriedglad

You should let out your concerns in front of him. During bed time, close the door and start talking to him about this problem. You have to put all your queries and worries forward and let him know that you feel deprived. As a result, he will either agree to be more intimate with you or as you say, find a way to get out of the situation.

In the latter case, start spending more time. If you guys spend most of the time apart then that is a sign of dying love. You have to rejuvenate it with kindness, care, and respect. Ask for his help when you're doing something and go help him in his matters, dance with him, give him hugs and kisses. All your actions should make him want to spend more and more time with you. In a nutshell, you gotta win him back. It may not be easy, but it is definitely worth it. The diabetes as well might have contributed to his dismissive attitude.

One of the prime reasons, I have sex with my wife is because she loves and respects me. Her company is too enjoyable for me, and we make it more enticing for each other with intimacy.

So, whenever he's around, keep him happy. It is tough, but you will be able to accomplish it with the strength of your true love.

waiwera

I'm sorry your going through such a tough time in your marriage, i feel the sadness in your post..

I suppose it comes down to finding a way to get your message across in a way he does understand and hear... we all have different ways of communicating...do you both communicate well on other matters eg; financial, the children, families etc...??

Would putting your words down in a letter be good for either of you?
This is something i find works for us.

Also are there other ways you could try to rebuild the closeness and intimacy you crave such as massage or going dancing or???

Stonewall

If you have talked about this in specificity and he still won't address it; It is time for you to flip the trash cans! Tell him this is hurting you deeply and making you feel rejected. A good hubby would do anything to stop his wife from hurting like that.Tell him you are a sexual being who needs that intimacy and he is not holding up his end of the bargain.

Most men are masters of avoiding medical issues that is one reason so many die from Heart Attacks because they ignore the symptoms until its to late. I have seen it happen over and over and over again.

Tell him this is easily manageable and if he won't do it knowing how much you need it then how much could he care about you?

Tell him this is a make or break for him. Sometimes you have to light a fire right under our Asses for us to move.

I hope the best for you!

Bluemoon1

I guess the advice that is given to men on this forum is appropriate, if you have tried talking about it and the other person is unwilling to talk about it, it's time you unplugged from him, get on with your life, sort out any issues you have in essence clean up your side of the street.

I don't know what it is about some low desire partners, but you have to shock them into doing something about it, kinder softer ways just do not work

chaos

At this point you have three options in front of you.

1. Divorce him and find someone who truly cares about you.

2. Continue in the marriage and resign yourself to living in a sexless marriage.

3. Have an affair with another man in similar situation as yours.

Option #2 destroys your soul little by little and with a lot of anger and bitterness towards him. He may reach the point of simply leaving you just to end the living hell.

Option #3 destroys your husband, your marriage, your children's view of you their mother, and destroys you as well. The amount of pleasure you receive from having sex with another man, will be overshadowed by the amount of pain it will bring to everybody's lives long after you end this option.

Option #1 ends your marriage but with less destructive results than the other two options. This option MAY be THE wake up call for him to see how desperate the situation truly has been for you and finally do something constructive about it. If it is not then you have your final answer that he truly did not care about you and you can move on knowing that you tried your best.

It is not just about sex but more importantly, the lack of caring for the higher sex drive spouse that hurts the most. At least that was my situation in my previous marriage. I hope you choose wisely.

__________________
“You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche

nice777guy

So - is he not managing the Diabetes properly???

__________________
“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity!" - Carlin

River1977

Take this thread into consideration. There are many reasons for sexual relations and intimacy to go out of a marriage, and the reasons are different for men and women. If your husband mistreated you or otherwise did things that caused resentment in you, you wouldn't want to have sex with him. There may be other determining factors for women, but those are the biggest ones.

The reasons are very different for men though. One thing is for him to get his testosterone levels tested. He is probably telling the truth when he says he is attracted to you and wants intimacy but nothing results. He may be very confused about that. You feel he is avoiding the issue as he often avoids things, but it is likely he doesn't know what to do in this case. Not all men know their testosterone level can be out of whack. We women know our hormones can get screwed up, but men usually are unaware of this fact for themselves. This information that such a thing is possible might even come as a surprise to you. You need to make the doctor appointment for him if he won't. Take the initiative for both your sakes. Literally take him to the doctor if need be. Make him go.

Another determing factor for men is the same as in the thread I linked above. I think it boils down to some men having incredibly fragile egos, and the resulting scenario plays out in two different ways.

One way is these types of men don't respond well to a woman wanting sex. I think it has to do with the the things they learned in childhood and/or puberty - the things that help to form their self image and the image/opinion they have of women. Things said by their parents and other adult role models or could just be locker room talk that served to mold them and their way of thinking. One example is what they come to understand as the "good girl" image and the "bad girl" image. Bad girls are called slu*s, bi*ches, w*ores/hoes, cu*ts, etc. They may spend their prime/formative years wishing to get with one of the bad girls because such girls put out, but they decide in the back of their minds to marry a good girl because the bad girls are not marriage material. For his "good girl" wife to be a wanton woman causes confusion on some level. He knows she is not a bad girl, yet she pursues sex from him. He finds himself under considerable pressure to perform. The clash in his head is he is not the pursuer and aggressor, and she is not so demure or shy even though he loves her and knows she is not a "bad girl."

Another scenario that plays out that affects his ego is when his wife is not only the pursuer but is also an aggressive lover. This type of man likely prides himself in being able to please his wife. But sometimes, we women like to take the reins in bed. We instruct him. We direct him. Sometimes, we take over in effort to reach satisfaction. He begins to feel like her tool, as she uses his tool for her pleasure. He takes this to mean he's not doing it right or he is inadequate. His ego is threatened as he is forced to question his own sexual prowess.

Either or both of these scenarios are valid reasons for you to lay off pressuring him and do a 180 like Mavash did in the link I provided. It took her husband a year to come down off his ego trip. It may not take your husband that long, especially if there is a need for him to go on testosterone therapy. If he does, you won't be able to keep up with him. So, lets hope that's all the problem is and not that his ego is so fragile that he has become afraid of intimacy.

Mavash.

I'm the subject of that link and yes it took almost a year of me detaching, getting healthy and moving on with my life before he finally decided he wanted to work on the problem. For an added bonus he also got healthy too - forgot to mention that in my other thread. He's lost 20 pounds - 9 more to go. He's looking really good these days.

I've got a brand new husband but it took me letting him go mentally, emotionally, physically before we could get to this point. And it was HARD I won't lie and it wasn't quick. I also have been in therapy to analyze how I contributed to this problem (and I did). I fixed my part and the rest was out of my control. That's painful to face but very true. The only person I could change was me.

AND I was fully prepared to leave him if this didn't get better after I did everything in my power to "clean my side of the street". No I wasn't going to bail after putting forth effort for oh a week no I committed for several years actually. This problem didn't happen overnight nor was it going to fixed overnight but at some point yes I would have left. Having that resolve helped me do what I had to do. I committed to doing EVERYTHING in my power knowing full well it might not work. That is true freedom and its important.

River1977

I really admire you, Mavash

Mavash.

Thanks I really appreciate that. You have no idea how much this SUCKS sometimes. Truly. A few months ago I did let my husband have it nicely but firmly. I looked him straight in the face and said "I deserve BETTER than this" after I proceeded to list everything I have done for this marriage. I asked him "what are YOU doing?" He said "I work and pay all the bills". I looked at him and said "that's not enough for me. Not even close.".

It was a calm conversation but I was dead serious and I meant every word (there was more to it - I'm just giving you the highlights). My therapist applauded every word I said. Something must have clicked because since then he's lost the weight and is putting forth more effort.

The problem I'm having NOW is NOT getting sucked back into making him the center of my world. I'm SHOCKED at how quickly I fall into that trap. And that never ever works. Never.

Can you tell I'm struggling to get my head back in the game today? LOL

Sorry for the hijack but in a way it's applicable. I'm showing even when you get what you want it doesn't magically solve everything. It's a process and backsliding is to be expected.

Ittakestwo

@ marriedglad

I have talked to him more times than I can count. Sometimes I have been so upset I have yelled at him, other times I have tried to approach him outside my emotion and talk calmly.. and there have been a few times that I have humiliated myself and felt that i was begging my husband.

He is a very affectionate person... if I sit on the sofa, he will just come over and start rubbing my feet. He wants hugs and kisses but doesn't initiate anything beyond that.

Weeks and sometimes months go by.

I really believe that I have expressed my concerns and needs and desires more than enough. I have written him letters as well just to see if that would communicate better with him.

I now have a lot of bitterness and resentment built up. I don't feel connected to him... i am at this place where I don't even want to try any more... but something keeps me in this marriage... maybe the idea that I have to keep trying.

I am in no way some perfect spouse... so i know I have done many things wrong in how i treat him.... I have put him down... I am feel that i am dying inside...I am not the vibrant women i once was... I blame it on him and me choosing to marry him.

This I know.... I am no longer a pleasant person to live with... that is my fault..

Ittakestwo

Thank you... all of you for your input and compassion.

My heart is aching to it's depths. I have read all that you each posted and I am hearing each of you.

Here are some clarifications:

#1 He is not managing his diabetes properly.... we even went to a doctor that had him on a program that could have gotten him off of ALL meds and we saw the results in 3 weeks but he has stopped doing the program and I have stopped mothering him to do it.

#2 I have expressed myself in good ways and bad. I have not always handled things well and I am sure that I am certainly in part responsible for his avoiding this issue.

#3 I have thought I needed to just get on with my life while staying in the marriage ...get counseling... make new friends... get involved in the community .... begin exercising and eating right for myself. Why do I so want him and I to do it all together?

#4 I know that I can only change myself... I am very angry and resentful at this time.. I am so not a pleasant person for him to be around... I don't yell at him... I just don't talk unless necessary.
It hurts too much to keep talking to him... I hate going to that place of deep emotional pain... the lump in my throat from trying to talk it out. I have made myself become numb... I am repressing many emotions that I am afraid to let out for fear of what that would look like now.

#5 i long for a marriage that will be fulfilling and joyful through our retirement years. We are in our 40's and it seems like I have nothing to look forward to when we become empty nesters which won't be for a few years... 4 or 5... but it is quickly approaching.

please keep responding when you have time and insight. I am reaching out ... listening and weighing what i need to do...

Browncoat

The anger and resentment you feel is very normal for the type of situation you're in. It's not healthy, but very normal... I feel it off and on myself in my marriage.

I have learned, and this is soooo much more easily said than done, that you have to work on getting to a place where you forgive him (not condone his unwillingness to be intimate with you), just forgive it. Not just say the words so that the forgiveness is sort of a high minded forgiveness, but in your heart forgive him. In the end that anger and resentment just hurts you and eats away at you. You're already hurting enough, you don't need to add to that hurt yourself.

As for the medical side of things, it's not just all about the diabetes... there's almost certainly other things at play. I'd have his testosterone level checked out. It could be that his body chemistry has changed and he's not producing enough testosterone. There could be a host of other issues, but I think you both owe it to each other to investigate further.

Definitely read through Mavash's thread, I know I found it very inspirational as well as others.

I'd like to also highly recommend a therapist, my wife and I started seeing a sex therapist a few weeks back and it's already been very helpful for our marriage. We've become more intimate and it's increased her affection for me a great deal.

Enchantment

Hi Ittakestwo ~

Since you see the areas where you have expressed yourself poorly (kudos on being self-aware!), then work on ways that you can address those issues in yourself, so that when you do have interactions with your husband, they are positive, where you retain your confidence and calm.

Yes, it is easy to feel frustrated and resentful of our partners when they seem to simply choose to not care. Each person in a marriage has the opportunity of choice...and you can choose the personal boundaries that you are willing to live with.

What are the things that you are willing to live with and those which you are not?

If you are not willing to live with your husband being apathetic about his health, what are you willing to do - are you willing to provide the support he needs, is there a support group he could attend that would provide that support?

If he is apathetic about the relationship and your needs, what are you willing to do - are you willing to 'reduce the emotional temperature' in your marriage, are you up for having a very earnest and heartfelt discussion with him and request that he go to MC with you so you can learn to work in the marriage together, are you up for going to IC on your own if he won't engage in the marriage with you so that you can improve yourself and make a decision about how best to move forward?

While it does take two willling participants to have a fulfilling marriage, it often takes only one to make the first step toward improving themself, which in turn has the potential to positively affect their mate and their marriage.

Best wishes.

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