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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 04-23-2012, 02:51 PM   #31 (permalink)
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Default Re: Weight, Attraction & Importance in a relationship

Attractiveness and appearance are on the emotional need quiz at marriage builders. I think both sexes have things they prefer in their mate. Little things like a guy growing a beard, or dressing sloppily, not smelling good, wearing worn out clothes can turn a woman off.
It's also been proven that couples do best when they are at a similar level of attractiveness. The divorce rate among people who undergo gastric bypass surgery is staggering.
I don't think there's anything wring with someone saying they would prefer their mate try to stay in shape. If they take medication or have an issue that prevents them from losing weight then there's not much they can do. I would see it myself aside if a health issue. It's not healthy to be overweight and I want my mate to be with me as long as he can.
I am considering getting gastric bypass surgery myself and I'm worried that he might not be attracted to thin me because I've been plus size since we met and we have a great sex life.
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Old 04-23-2012, 03:13 PM   #32 (permalink)
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Well sorry to say I am shallow too to say he has every right to feel like he does and wonder why people here seem to not accept that weight & appearance & how one carries themselves all play significant roles in sexual attraction.
I agree with your train of thought. My wife has gone from a trim nicely shaped woman into a over 200 lb lump. Sure we change as we age. She knows she is overweight (and has heart problems too) but does nothing about it.
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Old 04-23-2012, 03:26 PM   #33 (permalink)
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Attractiveness and appearance are on the emotional need quiz at marriage builders. I think both sexes have things they prefer in their mate. Little things like a guy growing a beard, or dressing sloppily, not smelling good, wearing worn out clothes can turn a woman off.
It's also been proven that couples do best when they are at a similar level of attractiveness...
For me this is a hard pill to swallow, because at the beginning of my relationship with ex I think I was the better looking one, more in shape, youthful good looks (though she is 4 years my junior and was the more youthful one). I felt like pretty good genetic stock.

Throughout our marriage, her weight went up, I began feeling more overwhelmed with burdens especially after she gave birth to our child and the last couple years were unkind to me as I felt worn down and used up - she was using that time, and our family income, putting most of the constraints of parenting and providing on me while she worked on herself. By the end I felt like the victim of a vampire, all used up, out of shape, exhausted, broken and depressed and she was the beneficiary, got in shape, made all sorts of young and fun single friends of both sexes, bought all kinds of sexy clothes and fashion accessories I never got to see.

She is way "sexier" now than she ever was with me and it makes me a little bitter to know that my hard work is a part of what made that possible while I look in the mirror at the bald greying, out of shape, wrinkled face guy with chipped eyeglasses and a 6 year old wardrobe. I'm working on myself now but finding it takes a lot of work to overcome the inertia, and feeling like my years are precious right now, wishing I could snap my fingers and just be the person I'd like to be.
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Old 04-23-2012, 05:38 PM   #34 (permalink)
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I think they are both right in this. If I put on 50 lbs and let myself go appearance-wise, and my wife wasn't attracted to me anymore and refused me sexually, I don't know if I could blame her. Do I think its wrong though, yes, for better or for worse means in the bedroom as well. At the same time, if I was 50 lbs heavier, she never would have dated me to begin with, she has right to be with the man she married/dated - and that means how I treat her, AND how I look.
Now, all of us know who aren't in our early 20s anymore that its not easy to look eternally young. So there has to be grace and love there. We are going to age, put on some weight, lose some hair, stretch marks, etc. But true love tends to gloss over these "imperfections".
So in short, I think she has a duty to look her best for her husband, to try and look the way she did when they dated. At the same time, if he's tuning her out sexually because of her weight, that's wrong as well. We need to share ALL of ourselves with our spouse - that's part of the deal.
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Old 04-23-2012, 07:22 PM   #35 (permalink)
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This is not an easy subject for a thread because it can be such a sensitive subject. You can't lump attraction into the type of love that you pledge "for better or worse". My wife has always been more willing to bring up the subject to me than the inverse, but it is usually about my general fitness level. I've never let myself gain weight other than once when I went through a tough time of acceptance about the prognosis for a mild muscle disease. Problem is, I sometimes just get so caught up in things that I lose A LOT of weight. Then, I'll bulk up to my normal weight and size, where I'm pretty muscular. Part of the reason for lifting weights for many years was for her. My wife does not like the skinny look at all.

My wife has struggled with food addiction behaviors after finally making real progress in dealing with depression. Its something that I carry alot of guilt over because it really impacts my attraction for her. We've always had a very sexual relationship, but it is so different when she can't stand to be seen. When we almost divorced, one area that she kept bringing up was that she had fought so many issues with the depression that she had never gotten to know me as a person (seriously, for 25 years, don't ask her what I do for a living, other than the confusing name). She was right. We're working on that, and things are going well, but I feel like there would be so much more to go on if we had a closer relationship. I've always looked forward to growing old with her, and the normal weight gain that sometimes comes with aging wasn't a factor. Excessive weight, though, is a big attraction-killer for me, though.
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Old 04-23-2012, 07:38 PM   #36 (permalink)
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There are plenty of men out there, me included, who like big women.
I do too and that has not always been the case. It grows on you
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Old 04-23-2012, 07:38 PM   #37 (permalink)
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My wife has struggled with food addiction behaviors after finally making real progress in dealing with depression.
I had this problem as a facet of depression and the only reason I didn't gain more than I did was because I have a high metabolism. Ironically to beat depression I had to cut carbs and sugar therefore I dropped the weight.

Depression stinks and if I had to have it I always wondered why I couldn't have the kind where you QUIT eating. LOL
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Old 04-23-2012, 07:39 PM   #38 (permalink)
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For me this is a hard pill to swallow, because at the beginning of my relationship with ex I think I was the better looking one, more in shape, youthful good looks (though she is 4 years my junior and was the more youthful one). I felt like pretty good genetic stock.

Throughout our marriage, her weight went up, I began feeling more overwhelmed with burdens especially after she gave birth to our child and the last couple years were unkind to me as I felt worn down and used up - she was using that time, and our family income, putting most of the constraints of parenting and providing on me while she worked on herself. By the end I felt like the victim of a vampire, all used up, out of shape, exhausted, broken and depressed and she was the beneficiary, got in shape, made all sorts of young and fun single friends of both sexes, bought all kinds of sexy clothes and fashion accessories I never got to see.

She is way "sexier" now than she ever was with me and it makes me a little bitter to know that my hard work is a part of what made that possible while I look in the mirror at the bald greying, out of shape, wrinkled face guy with chipped eyeglasses and a 6 year old wardrobe. I'm working on myself now but finding it takes a lot of work to overcome the inertia, and feeling like my years are precious right now, wishing I could snap my fingers and just be the person I'd like to be.
This is so sad and so not fair.

My secret prayer is that bad karma finds her.
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Old 04-23-2012, 09:59 PM   #39 (permalink)
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This is so sad and so not fair.

My secret prayer is that bad karma finds her.
Well life isn't always fair, eh? I don't pray for bad karma for her at all, I do pray for good karma for me though It was very sad for me at the time I felt horrible... I realized just yesterday that not only did I lose my W and have to deal with all that cr@p, but I think it is the first time I've ever had my heart broken.

And now I've mostly gotten all that stuff behind me, I just want to keep on improving myself, and I think as it starts to happen it will be kinda like the feeling of losing weight - as you make a little progress you not only get closer to your goal but it also becomes easier to work at it because you've shed all that excess that was making it so hard to move.
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Old 04-23-2012, 10:06 PM   #40 (permalink)
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I just want to keep on improving myself, and I think as it starts to happen it will be kinda like the feeling of losing weight - as you make a little progress you not only get closer to your goal but it also becomes easier to work at it because you've shed all that excess that was making it so hard to move.
But YOU have to take action you can't just wait for it. And fwiw it's NEVER easy. Just sayin.

3 rounds of therapy, beating depression, managing ptsd, overcoming a bad marriage, getting disowned by my parents, and I still have to make the conscious monumental effort each and every day to love myself. The only thing that has gotten easier is knowing WHAT to do. The action part is just as hard today as it was when I first started on this journey 13 year ago.
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Old 04-23-2012, 10:53 PM   #41 (permalink)
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Disclaimer: I am an overweight woman.

I'm not lazy. I work out. I work fulltime on my feet. I'm at the tail end of menopause. I've been overweight most of my adult life. I basically have an extremely slow metabolism. (as per my Dr) I'm not saying I never overeat, I do occasionally.

The only way I can lose weight is to cut my eating to NO MORE then 1200 calories a day, every day. I can eat slightly more to maintain. (absolutely no more then 1500 a day, and I will slowly gain on that)

Now, my question for you is, are you willing to eat the same diet that your wife does to help support her weight loss/maintenance goals? Or, do you believe that your home should be still be stocked with all manner of goodies etc for you?

I really believe that many men have no idea how difficult is for women to lose, or even maintain weight. How willing would you be to give up your favorite foods for the rest of your life, no exceptions. No snacks, no sugar, limited carbs, very small portions of what you can eat. No alcohol at all. No exceptions. Would you be willing to do that forever to keep your partner happy with how you look?

I cant begin to tell you how frustrating it is to be slowly losing, and then go out for a nice dinner, and the next morning the scale says you gained 3 lbs, or 5lbs. And it takes 2 weeks of starving yourself to lose it.

This is the reality for many women who are entering middle age.

I'm just questioning the willingness for the men who feel the way they do in this thread, to do what they are asking their women to do. Do you ever bring home snacks, ice cream or chips? Do you even stop at DQ for an ice cream cone? Ever have a glass of wine or a beer with a nice dinner or your buddies? Do you ever eat fast food? Ever drink a milkshake? Those would all be off limits forever!

Can you, would you do it, if thats what it took?

Last edited by suesmith; 04-23-2012 at 11:28 PM.
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Old 04-23-2012, 11:18 PM   #42 (permalink)
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I cant begin to tell you how frustrating it is to be slowly losing, and then go out for a nice dinner, and the next morning the scale says you gained 3 lbs, or 5lbs. And it takes 2 weeks of starving yourself to lose it.

This is the reality for many women who are entering middle age.
really? I'd suggest a new scale, if it says you gain 3-5 lbs every meal it is either inaccurate or else your portions are much too large. Also if you have to starve yourself after binging in order to get your weight down it is no wonder you have a slow metabolism.

I'm not trying to be mean or overly critical, it just seems you are either exaggerating on purpose or really have a different perception of food than I.

I for one feel fortunate that as a man I have higher muscle mass, and more testosterone to keep it that way (thus have a higher resting metabolism) I don't envy women whom have bodies that aggressively are trying to store every calorie. I am also a little above my ideal weight, and it really is psychological to me, I just don't like the feelings of hunger that go along with trying to keep my weight lower, however when I am disciplined I find that the best way to lose is to control portion size and also to EAT OFTEN - the hunger pangs will not be as strong and you will get used to it so it becomes less noticable AND as your body gets used to smaller meals more often your metabolic rate will seem to adapt providing you with more energy throughout the day - so long as you don't get in the habit of skipping meals.
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Old 04-23-2012, 11:27 PM   #43 (permalink)
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Lon, No, the scale is fine. I know this is how it is for me, but also for many others. I didnt say this was after every meal, just a nice meal out, maybe a steakhouse, etc.

Its much easier for men to lose or maintain, yes, probably because of metabolism etc. The techniques you mention are all good and work for many. But for just as many, they dont work.

I'm not trying to take shots at the people who have this opinion, nor am I trying to make excuses. More just asking if you men are willing to do what you are asking the women to do to keep their bodies they way YOU want them. Because, the reality is, what I posted above is the reality for many women.
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Old 04-24-2012, 01:30 AM   #44 (permalink)
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I think you should start looking at yourself in the mirror every morning, and saying, "I am Lon and I _______!! List one thing per day that you know is great about yourself and keep doing it until it sinks in!!!

Otherwise, your ex-wife wins and you deny yourself happiness and the chance to find a good woman.
You know, I think you are absolutely right! I am a little hard on myself and I think I may sound even harder on myself on this site because I basically use this place to vent pretty much everything that goes through my head these days. I know I have good qualities, lots of them. Just feel like I haven't been able to put them to good use, that's the part I'm trying to get a handle on. So thanks for the encouragement I do appreciate it.

Now... back to the topic of this thread!
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Old 04-24-2012, 06:11 AM   #45 (permalink)
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This was not a thread questioning larger men or women or asking us to reconsider our views of beauty or attraction. It was a specific response to a thread that bothered me.

Weight is a scary difficult topic and outside being "skinny fat" I am very lucky.

There is a reason this was posted in 'Sex in Marriage'.
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