Havesomethingtosay

I am miffed. I responded to the thread below and was amazed that everyone was so tough on the poster.

Can a marriage succeed w/o sex?

The two were virgins and had never even seen each other nude prior to their wedding night. BTW they are still in their 20's.

In a nutshell, she has been putting on significant weight since they first met. Prior to the wedding she too got personal trainers to get in shape for the wedding, which obviously was important to her. Since marriage she has put on another 50 lbs (no children) and is very upset about their lack of intimacy.

He has admitted it is because "HE IS NOT TURNED ON AND ATTRACTED". For being honest everyone has jumped on him and told him basically to suck it up and how shallow he is.

Well sorry to say I am shallow too to say he has every right to feel like he does and wonder why people here seem to not accept that weight & appearance & how one carries themselves all play significant roles in sexual attraction.

One can easily say beauty is only skin deep, but there is much more to it than that. Yes I will rail against those who complain as people age and things sag and bodies change, which is natural. But if they maintain health, fitness their weight & appearance, then yes there are issues when some complain.

However in this thread I was gobsmacked at the responses and the lack of compassion shown.

Yes I am lucky, my spouse still looks fabulous and I never have had to face the dilemma, issues that the poster has and am happy for that.

Jellybeans

Not everyone feels the same on one subject. That's why TAM is such a great place.

Mavash.

I'm with you actually. My husband is VERY shallow in that he prefers me skinny. And I prefer he work so I can stay at home with our kids.

A fair trade I think. I work hard to stay fit and attractive. He works hard to provide for me. Win/win.

Havesomethingtosay

That's fine.... But read the thread and it looks like I am the only shallow one on TAM. In actuality, most were pretty rough on him and all told him it was his problem.

Mavash.

Having an attractive wife is one of the top 5 of HIS needs in the his needs/her needs book.

Jellybeans

I didn't read it but will take your word for it. Again, not everyone is going to feel the same on one subject. I personally am like you -- I want my partner to be fit--or that they make the effort to be fit. If my partner gained a ton of pounds & had zero desire to change that, I would prob be turned off. But then I like to be fit and enjoy putting in the work to take care of my body with diet & fitness.

But some people do get offended at that. Different strokes...

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Unhappy2011

Its because when women get together they become very gender centric, and then justify their own desires as "preferences" while men are just shallow.

Sorry any woman or man for that matter, who gains 50 lbs, that is gross. They should be ashamed.
I would divorce a woman if she did that to me.

No way in hell, would I have a fat wife.

I can't imagine a bigger turn off or a bigger embarassement.
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Mavash.

I'm actually less shallow than my husband but I do have a weight limit. 20 pounds over healthy weight and I'm still attracted to him. 30 and he's pushing it. Yes I've seen it so I know. At the moment he's down 20 pounds (9 to go) and yes it makes a HUGE difference in attraction.

Jellybeans

Um, okaaay.

She'd be doing it to herself, not you. But yeah, you or anyone else has the option to leave at anytime.

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Jeff/BC

I didn't respond only because the thread was such a trainwreck that I didn't see any useful input I could have.

The problem starts the moment you use the word "shallow" to describe something which is important to a person. From there, it's all downhill. Women's emotional needs are lofty and pure. Men's are shallow and base. There you have it.

Havesomethingtosay

But in this case (and I ignored the thread for 4 days too), I felt for the young man's story and the fact that he was piled on and not a single person told him his feelings were VALID.

Every time a virgin bride/groom posts, I cringe knowing where it is going.

Jellybeans

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Jeff/BC

I completely agree. But I also think that there is some wisdom and honor both in the old adage, "When in Rome, wear a toga". I cringe at an awful lot of the threads here. There's not anything I can or should do about that except to try to understand why people say such things. I do my best to at least cobble a spare bed sheet into a toga.

One of the features in this particular "Rome" is that men's feelings are not valid. I get that. I'm trying to figure out why and how such a thing actually works out for some.

Unhappy2011

As a gender, women are much more likely to circle the wagons to defend each other, even if it is absurd position.

This is very noticeable.

Ok she let herself go.

I never understand why that distinction is so important to some people.

For example: people always say, you gotta lose weight for yourself not someone else.

Yes and no.

Yes, I eat right and exercise for myself. I enjoy it. I like working on my health and take it seriously. I also like feeling good and looking my best. But part of that does have to do with other people. I don't live on an island. I don't take care of myself just to admire myself in the mirror. So yeah I do it for others as I want other people to notice, especially the other gender. Why wouldn't I? Call me vain, I don't care.

Unhappy2011

Hey no problem.

I am gonna start a thread about the damn Zorastrians pretty soon. Have these people ever heard of a cross walk?