blueskies30

We have been through a very rough time. Almost got divorced. We were seperated at the end of August 2011 until he moved back in new years weekend. We started emailing towards the end of October and seeing each other again in November. We have had sex since he has moved back in and gone on a reconsilstion vacation where we had sex several times. He had an affair during the seperation that he tried to keep secret. I found out in mid december.

Before seperation the sex was infrequent, but it was very good. He was usually always the one to initiate and he liked it rough and many positions. He was more adventurous than me too. I was more shy I would say, but I did always flirt with him and hint that I wanted sex.

Now he says he doesn't want sex and doesn't want me to talk about it. He is stressed now with many life changes. We are getting ready to move out of state for the first time ever. He's nervous about many things.

My problem is I can't stop thinking about sex!!! It's been more than 3 weeks of no sex now. While on our vacation I could have done it every day!!
Before seperation he also seemed to talk about BJs often. I'm not sure if it was joking or not. He would take his hand and put my hand on him. Now he's very very reserved.

Now I want to experiment with giving him BJs. I have given him before early in the relationship. I've never given anyone a BJ, but him. So now I want to give him oral really badly and he is sexually reserved!!

We are going to MC and sex has come up. The last counseling session he said he wanted me to stop talking about sex, that he didn't want it because he's too stressed. The counselor asked him if he at least held me and he said he did. So I guess holding me is the same as sex to him.


I want to do so much more. I want to dress in crochless body stockings, like we used to do years ago.


I don't know how I'm supposed to just stop thinking about sex. I'm going nuts!!!!
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Jeff/BC

My personal and wildly speculative guess is that he does not trust you sexually.

Browncoat

I almost wonder if it's guilt he feels. Since he did have an affair, he may be having a hard time getting the events of that affair out of his head when he's intimate with you.

Still this is a stab in the dark, hopefully counselling turns something up.

Don't want to stir up trouble but is there any chance he's still having an affair?

chaos

Does he suffer from ocassional ED (erectile dysfunction)?

__________________
“You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche

blueskies30

He's never been diagnosed with ED. Before seperation I thought he might have ED though because several times he would loose erections at times, not Everytime though. It was pretty infrequent. I've learned from our reconsilstion vacation that I can get him hard in a matter of 3-5 minutes if he lets me. During our vacation he never came to me wanting sex already hard. so I don't think he has ED at all.
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Unhappy2011

An erection starts in the mind. Stress, anxiety are all boner killers.

Fear and arousal both originate in the para-sympathetic part of the brain and fear will override and turn off arousal.

So once a guy knows he is having an issue getting erect and is nervous about getting hard, because it is embarassing to most men, then that would be a sure fire boner killer.

He then associates negative feelings with it, making it harder to get hard the next time.

blueskies30

Maybe that is a big part of it. I'm feeling a bit cheated by him because I'm a giver and he is constantly gettIng massages from me. I get not much in return and I can't say no even though I do try to say no. I tell him that I don't get anything in return. I tell him I'd like a rub down or a special massage or even that he could use my vibrator on me.

He is very stressed right now with an upcoming move and so am I, but I guess I show stress in a different way.

One thing I don't understand though..,,if stress is a boner killer than why could he have an affair during our seperation? I'm having a hard time getting over that.
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blueskies30

I wonder if he feels guilt too. He doesn't talk about the affair at all really, ever since he came out in December and told me he betrayed me. We text all night the night he confessed. He seemed very very ashamed and said now I knew why he was acting so weird. Now he basically blames me for him having the affair. Like why didn't I talk to him? Why did I have to work so hard to have him served with divorce? Why didn't I just give him another chance and talk to him when he was begging me to talk?

It's like he wishes I did those things so much, so that he would have never had the affair and do much crap would never have happened. He has not said it in those words though.

I look back and I wish I would have answered his texts, I wish I talked to him the day he came over to get more of his stuff...,,all this before he decided to look online for a new relationship
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bellamaxjoy

U could be writing my story. I hope you get advice.

blueskies30

Good to know I'm not alone
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blueskies30

Brown: I doubt he's still having the affair. He's with me almost contantly and he never gets weird phone calls or texts. He is not secretive with his phone or his computer
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chillymorn

did you neglect him sexually for years?

if so resentment,guilt,anger sorrow,stress.

thats a lot.

try to suduce him. don't think i would turn down an enthuastic BJ

iGuy

With ALL DUE respect, I can almost not believe it is a WOMAN writing this. Being in such a cold, sexless marriage, reading posts like these just blow my mind!

Good luck though, I feel your pain!!

blueskies30

LOL!! You made me laugh!! My husband reminds me of a woman sometimes, lol!!

He is very effectionate too me, but not too much sexual. It's like he doesn't want to start something. He says he has a lot on his mind. I can't wait for these huge life changes to be over!! We are supposed to move out of state next week!! We are less than 6 months into reconsilstion so life changes are even more difficult at this time.

Also I want to be much more open with him and do things that I was shy to do before or had little desire. Right now I'm saving it all up because I don't want him to get upset that I'm talking about sex a lot.
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Hopefull363

Slip some Viagra in his coffee. It's that or get a toy.