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Do you take rejection personally?

4K views 29 replies 23 participants last post by  SimplyAmorous 
#1 ·
I've noticed this same pattern that has gone on for years and I'm having a hell of time breaking the cycle. Sex life improves for a few days or a few weeks, and then at some point my wife makes a joke, I feel rejected and then withdraw.

Would you take these personally or is it me being thin skinned?

- Initiating morning sex and wife lays there and says "put it in" or something similar. It's meant as a "joke" but I take it as dismissive.
- I try initiating sex and get "again?" in a this-is-a-burdeon kind of voice.
- I've noticed most situation where I've set up an expectation of sex in advance, such as flirting, or "communicating" desire during the day ends up with me feeling hurt and rejected.

I'll mostly avoid flirting with her, and am consciously about not setting any expectation of sex because I don't want to feel rejected. Then I cave, start to initiate and it goes well for a bit, get my feelings hurt, withdraw. Repeat.

I can't tell if it's me being over sensitive or if my feelings are legit.
 
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#3 ·
In my opinion, she is engaging in emotional warfare and using sex as a weapon to do so. It's one of the lowest things someone can do in a relationship in my book. It isn't so much "rejection" as an attempt to control you through disastrously emotionally manipulative means.

I wouldn't be "offended" so much as "livid".

If she is ACTUALLY making such statements as a "joke" then she lacks enough empathy that I'd being looking at terms like "sociopath".

~Jeff
 
#4 ·
For me it only hurts after a period of constant rejection. Once in a while, I don't mind at all (though my wife tends to say no a lot nicer than your wife).

It's just when it's been a string of noes over days that it starts to sting, and the longer the chain of rejection goes on the more it hurts.
 
#5 ·
I can't tell if it's me being over sensitive or if my feelings are legit.
My friend, if you live honestly, act in good conscious and treat others as you want to be treated, then your feelings are always legit.

The world has a way of gas lighting us from the beginning.


If it pisses you off, let her know.

Who knows, it may turn her on.
 
#8 ·
It feels insulting, demeaning, and disrespectful because that was her intention. Your feelings are not defective. Your wife is. On the rare occasion you get sex, she will make sure you endure a little suffering before you get it. In her fantasy world, she reigns supreme and rightfully consumes everything she wants from you (which will never be as much as she believes she deserves), but how dare you expect anything from her?
 
#9 ·
Call her out on this. Tell her that it's not acceptable. If she tries to play it off as a joke, don't accept that. Man up and jerk a knot in her tail.

What if you tried something like that on a topic that she's sensitive about. If she's like most women, she's sensitive about her weight. What if you started making comments like, "wide load" when you saw her coming down the hall? I mean, that's just a joke, right? She probably wouldn't be upset by that. Or would she?
 
#11 ·
Sorry - Forgot to add the usual disclaimer:

I'm not looking for insults or negative comments about my wife. Just perspective and others experiences.

Thx for the comments.
 
#12 ·
Her statements are not jokes, they are passive agressive ways of rejecting you. They lack the tact of honesty and make it seem and feel like she is not just rejecting the specific instance, but also each instance (that she did it last time so that she would not have to do it this time). If you can discuss with her that her "jokes" are not funny and she should instead be honest, you'd be in a better place.

But, it seems like a larger discussion needs to be had - whether she is truly interested or just placating you.
 
#13 ·
Wow, I can't believe the person who is supposed to love you said these things so casually. I would have a serious discussion with her, and say in no uncertain terms that a good sex life is crucial to marriage. It is not a matter for middle school type jokes.

Is resentment at the root of this? I would dig and find out why she has this attitude.
 
#15 ·
Sanity,

Been there, done (doing) that and got the T-Shirt (BTW, read the books, did the counseling & filled out the worksheets too!)

I often did like you and caved and would start to intiate again and like you, things went well for a while. Eventually it was back to the same old same old where we are no (it's been a little over 3 weeks).

I haven't intiated during these three weeks (yes, I know that no intiating = no sex) but I have grown tired of being rejected because there's just one more thing that has to get done, one more email to send, one more text to send. It sometimes seemed that sex was just another chore for her to do (she once said to me after a slightly extended period of time because I thought she had her period "Oh, I'm not having my period. I thought you were giving me a break")

Right now is her "busy" season so I am waiting until very beginning of June before going down this road for the last time. In the meantime, I no longer hold her hand as we sit and watch TV (and she's only reached out for mine maybe 2 times) nor do I reach out to her when we are in bed (again, she's reached out for me maybe 2 times). I no longer hug her or give her a smack on her butt (she once told me that she thought that any touching (especially in bed) lead to sex.

Short answer is it's not you. It's all her
Trying to do more just for me, going out with friends without her
 
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#22 ·
You are allowed to feel however you feel but no one should make you feel that way. You may not be able to control how others act but you can control how you react and feel. Stop letting it bother you and soon enough she will stop with the nonsense. I hate to say it but it reminds me of a kid's rhyme... Sticks and stones may break my bones, etc. Your wife is just using words...let it roll off you and try not to dwell. She is playing childish antics..very immature in my opinion. You are a grown man and deserve respect so blow off her "jokes", hit the gym and work out those sad feelings..then don't let it bother you anymore...even bullies stop bullying once they no longer are a threat.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#24 ·
Yeah, sometimes.

Last Tuesday, things were, uh... hotting up. I went to go clean up and get ready...

and she was asleep. At 8:30pm.

And this happened again, the next night, in almost the same exact way.

If she was sick or extra tired or something, I could look past it... but, the rest of the week, she had no problem maintaining a normal sleep schedule. It wasn't because she was sick or extra tired.


We're "okay" now, but yeah, this happening two nights in a row does not do much for my self esteem. Pulled away from her pretty hard and did my own thing until the weekend.
 
#25 ·
I can't tell if it's me being over sensitive or if my feelings are legit.
How is your self esteem otherwise? If you tend to be on the more negative side, even a small remark might seem much bigger than what it is. Of course, if this is the case, she should know you well enough to realize this.

Not to mention the tone of voice, or body language. Oh boy do those make a big difference.
 
#27 ·
Oh my god such wimps..... So you want more sex than her.... Is that really a terrible thing????

Maybe I am too beta for some of the studs on this site..... I just dust myself off and try again later.

I consider myself luck I have a desirable, very attractive wife, wake up every morning with a hard-on (knock on wood), know she has no interest in any other men and when we do do the nasty everything works on both sides......:smthumbup::D:);):p

Grow a pair and stop taking it personally.... or leave....
 
#28 ·
Do you take rejection personally?
My husband was always very sensitive to sexual rejection, heck he was even sensitive to feeling I MIGHT reject him... which was really overkill... but you know what.... I love a sensitive man! So this is not an issue for me, I wouldn't want a guy who didn't FEEL anything. But yeah, rejection HURTS...but just shows you have deep feelings and are human in my book.

I didn't even realize how bad he was feeling -for many years because he kept it all inside, and was so quiet about his needs. Those days are forever history.

Me....I wouldn't handle it well at all... I am very vocal about how I feel, very difficult to contain. I would go out of my way to be a Pleaser to his every whim.....and if that didn't work, likely cry myself to sleep ....or start a brawl over it.

A low drive man would never be able to put up with me!
 
#29 ·
Seeking Sanity I feel your pain. I have a W that can act very cold towards me and until we went to MC she did not even understand the hurt she causes me. To make matters worse she more or less emotionally abuses me by begging me not to go to MC with her. I feel belittled by her attitude. When I give my wife gifts she starts on a cycle of 'oneupmanship' and thinks she has to match my gift giving with gifts to me. I would rather long hugs or kisses.
 
#30 ·
Typical story.... you married a Gift woman, likely she is "Acts of service" as well with your love languages on the floor- it is not how she feels love and typically we GIVE what we WANT in return..

... and YOU are a Phyiscal Toucher deep within your heart. I swear this is a huge huge huge factor when people are dating.. they should be careful to date those who have these love languages in a very similar order.... cause so much suffering seems to come after the vows.. just not understanding each other...because they speak 2 different languages.
 
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