Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
I've noticed this same pattern that has gone on for years and I'm having a hell of time breaking the cycle. Sex life improves for a few days or a few weeks, and then at some point my wife makes a joke, I feel rejected and then withdraw.
Would you take these personally or is it me being thin skinned?
- Initiating morning sex and wife lays there and says "put it in" or something similar. It's meant as a "joke" but I take it as dismissive.
- I try initiating sex and get "again?" in a this-is-a-burdeon kind of voice.
- I've noticed most situation where I've set up an expectation of sex in advance, such as flirting, or "communicating" desire during the day ends up with me feeling hurt and rejected.
I'll mostly avoid flirting with her, and am consciously about not setting any expectation of sex because I don't want to feel rejected. Then I cave, start to initiate and it goes well for a bit, get my feelings hurt, withdraw. Repeat.
I can't tell if it's me being over sensitive or if my feelings are legit.
In my opinion, she is engaging in emotional warfare and using sex as a weapon to do so. It's one of the lowest things someone can do in a relationship in my book. It isn't so much "rejection" as an attempt to control you through disastrously emotionally manipulative means.
I wouldn't be "offended" so much as "livid".
If she is ACTUALLY making such statements as a "joke" then she lacks enough empathy that I'd being looking at terms like "sociopath".
For me it only hurts after a period of constant rejection. Once in a while, I don't mind at all (though my wife tends to say no a lot nicer than your wife).
It's just when it's been a string of noes over days that it starts to sting, and the longer the chain of rejection goes on the more it hurts.
In my opinion, she is engaging in emotional warfare and using sex as a weapon to do so. It's one of the lowest things someone can do in a relationship in my book. It isn't so much "rejection" as an attempt to control you through disastrously emotionally manipulative means.
I wouldn't be "offended" so much as "livid".
If she is ACTUALLY making such statements as a "joke" then she lacks enough empathy that I'd being looking at terms like "sociopath".
~Jeff
she has issues and TS needs to realize (he likely has) this is a major issue.
I will say this there exists better women out there
Why don't you return the favor when she wants something from you? Give her a taste of her own medicine and see how she likes it. Chances are she will let her feelings be known at which point you can then bring up her behavior.
It feels insulting, demeaning, and disrespectful because that was her intention. Your feelings are not defective. Your wife is. On the rare occasion you get sex, she will make sure you endure a little suffering before you get it. In her fantasy world, she reigns supreme and rightfully consumes everything she wants from you (which will never be as much as she believes she deserves), but how dare you expect anything from her?
Call her out on this. Tell her that it's not acceptable. If she tries to play it off as a joke, don't accept that. Man up and jerk a knot in her tail.
What if you tried something like that on a topic that she's sensitive about. If she's like most women, she's sensitive about her weight. What if you started making comments like, "wide load" when you saw her coming down the hall? I mean, that's just a joke, right? She probably wouldn't be upset by that. Or would she?
Her statements are not jokes, they are passive agressive ways of rejecting you. They lack the tact of honesty and make it seem and feel like she is not just rejecting the specific instance, but also each instance (that she did it last time so that she would not have to do it this time). If you can discuss with her that her "jokes" are not funny and she should instead be honest, you'd be in a better place.
But, it seems like a larger discussion needs to be had - whether she is truly interested or just placating you.
Wow, I can't believe the person who is supposed to love you said these things so casually. I would have a serious discussion with her, and say in no uncertain terms that a good sex life is crucial to marriage. It is not a matter for middle school type jokes.
Is resentment at the root of this? I would dig and find out why she has this attitude.
I understand you feel rejected and hurt and you should, but you need to find out what the root of the issue is. Something must be going on if she feels she has to make remarks like those and pass them off as jokes.
Been there, done (doing) that and got the T-Shirt (BTW, read the books, did the counseling & filled out the worksheets too!)
I often did like you and caved and would start to intiate again and like you, things went well for a while. Eventually it was back to the same old same old where we are no (it's been a little over 3 weeks).
I haven't intiated during these three weeks (yes, I know that no intiating = no sex) but I have grown tired of being rejected because there's just one more thing that has to get done, one more email to send, one more text to send. It sometimes seemed that sex was just another chore for her to do (she once said to me after a slightly extended period of time because I thought she had her period "Oh, I'm not having my period. I thought you were giving me a break")
Right now is her "busy" season so I am waiting until very beginning of June before going down this road for the last time. In the meantime, I no longer hold her hand as we sit and watch TV (and she's only reached out for mine maybe 2 times) nor do I reach out to her when we are in bed (again, she's reached out for me maybe 2 times). I no longer hug her or give her a smack on her butt (she once told me that she thought that any touching (especially in bed) lead to sex.
Short answer is it's not you. It's all her
Trying to do more just for me, going out with friends without her
19Likes
Do you take rejection personally? 
