Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
I know.
I own it. I learned a long time ago that this is one of those things that is unchangeable about me, and I wouldn't want to change it anyway.
Although if I could be satisfied with less...some of these problems wouldn't exist.
I really like the suggestion here to just back off and let him determine what we're doing and how often. I find it hard to do that because without even meaning too, I'll let some comment slip about how sexy he is, or I'll cup him or pat him...I'm just wired to be pretty sexual most of the time and it's hard to turn that off. Any suggestions on that?
That Girl,
Hah, no he certainly did not! Poor kid. He had no idea what he was doing. He's better now. He steps up quite a lot actually, although part of that is because he feels that intercourse is inadequate. I've worked hard at showing him that sex is all the nice things we do in bed, not just penis-in-vagina.
He still hasn't figured out oral so never attempts it. He sticks with what he knows!
At any rate, I don't necessarily need to be hit back every time. I love sucking him off.
He hasn't figured out oral after 3 years????
I personally think there is more trauma than you or anyone else is aware of.
I get that you want to help him, but, he needs some major therapy, I have no idea what his hang ups are, but they are major. A 34 year old virgin is a red flag, and you'd think that once he'd start having sex, he'd kind of go crazy like a teenager.
I say tell him to get help, or to open up to you more of his childhood eg. abuse. There needs to be some progress here, especially when sex is so important to you. His drive will only get worse with time, and your frustration will go up.
but you're right.
i crave sex on a physical level for sure, but for me, it's how i feel loved, it's about intimacy as well
i don't want to live without that
Question: Why, given your apparently high drive, didn't you go marry some horn dog who would constantly be ready to jump your bones? You chose an inexperienced virgin with sexual hangups.
I'll channel Ricky Ricardo: "You got some 'splaining to do Lucy".
P.S. Hubby needs to make his own appointments - just sayin....
I can't say what has stopped him from making an appointment any of the countless times I've asked him to. His occasional excuse has been that he feels guilty spending money on that - hello - he's a lawyer, i'm a therapist, money is not an issue and even if it was, his health and happiness are worth it.
I did sort of think he'd be like a horny teenager once we turned him on...but it was so difficult for him right out of the gate...
at first, when erections were impossible, we did have more sex, and in my opinion, better - he gave me multiples all the time
but as soon as we started to recover some erectile ability, that all went away. he fixated on being able to have intercourse all the time, and became depressed when he couldn't, and shied away from sex to avoid disappointment...
Love is not rational, but rational people can choose to walk away from dysfunctional situations when they recognize them. Dysfunctional or not, it all hurts.
Why did you stick around when your husband's problems originally manifested themselves? I can guess that you did because you thought you could fix them. The minute you did, you engaged in a "covert contract" - I fix this man's sexual problems and I will have a forever indebted, great lover for a mate. Maybe that wasn't the reason, but I think there is fodder for your own personal growth in this line of questioning.
"I was in love" is the easy answer. There may be a harder one if you really look.
I don't understand his resistance to getting help, but I am still convinced that you making appointments for him is a symptom of the same set of problems. It sounds like he needs to grow up, but no one is putting up adult boundaries around him to force him to do so.
You can very lovingly give him space to fix this problem and be a total harda$$ about him doing the work.
I speak from experience when I say this problem is fixable.
Well, I wouldn't actually say that love is what prompted me to stick around. He fessed up on our third "date" (which wasn't a date), and I was not in love with him at that point. I just liked him, found him kind of adorable. But between the third and fourth dates I definitely did a big soul search as to whether I could be with him and his...particular set of problems.
What I remember thinking was: i can do this for him. I wasn't thinking long-term. I did not consider myself available for a serious relationship. But I did think that I could help him out in terms of being an open-minded non-judgmental lover. And since I was so appreciative of the courage I knew it must have took him to tell me his situation, I felt I owed him ... something. And I wanted to give it to him if I could. Obviously I couldn't forsee that it would be one problem after another and that I'd still be giving three years later. That's crazy to me, but THAT's love.
In reading this thread, the phrase "Physician, heal thyself" came to mind.
You guys have a broken relationship dynamic, and it's not just all on the side of your husband.
While it's great he's going to seek some counseling (which he should have made the appointment for himself btw), er .... can counselors themselves go to counseling?
Maybe you need to, so that you can gain some insight into not just why you would embark on this kind of relationship, why you would stay with this kind of relationship, but more importantly how to break the cycle of dependence that you may have that causes you to embark in a marriage with someone who is your 'personal project.'
It's like you recognize the red flags in doing so, but you plunge ahead anyway. That isn't healthy.
I was so appreciative of the courage I knew it must have took him to tell me his situation, I felt I owed him ... something.
This stood out to me too. Why would you think you owe someone anything just because they shared a flaw? Lots of people have flaws and lots of people might share them with me but that does not bind or obligate me to them. It's their problem not mine.
And why would you appreciate the sharing? What need is that fulfilling in you?
For a site called talking about marriage, a lot of people sure seem to undervalue it. No wonder so many american marriages end in divorce. The attitude here seems to be "if it's broke, toss it aside". But none of us are without flaws.
My marriage isn't perfect but I'm proud of where we are and how hard we've worked. I'm also proud of all the perfect moments in between. People arent disposable. If your heart is wide open then it should be very spouse's objective to help the other reach his or her potential. He is not just a broken object, he's my friend and support and confidant, and he deserves a good life too, one that I believe can be achieved with enough love and understanding. Is it always easy? Of course not.
But the moment he sat before me, vulnerable, and opened up, we shared something profound. To carry a dark secret for 30 years and then to finally trust someone with it - that bonded us.
"Their problem not mine" is a selfish attitude that gets you nowhere. Instead I shared it with him, I halved it for him, and he in turns carries some of my burdens. What need is it fulfilling? The need for beautiful, honest moments that connect people.
There is so much more to life than just oneself.
May you all find your own pieces of that.
Stop dumping on the poor guy like he's a lost cause! We all have our hang-ups and all are made-up of the same imperfect stuff. Let's give some constructive criticism for God's sake! My initial thoughts/perceptions for the OP:
Your husband lived a very sheltered life most likely. Probably was raised in a very religious household by mostly asexual parents who viewed sexuality as a necessary evil to propagate the species. He didn't have great, healthy sexual role models in his formative years growing-up. He has been conditioned that "sex is bad". Most of this conditioning is sub-conscious. Your challenge is to affect this sub-conscious programming, re-programming a healthier outlook. It is possible. Don't give up! You need to create a stress-free environment. You can't have great sex in a stressful environment. He is under a lot of stress to perform/improve. He thinks he is going to lose you and is in a negative feedback loop. You need to build-up his confidence. Greater confidence, less stress, more/better sex. The first thing you need to do is to stop convincing/agreeing with him that "he's broken" and/or there is something fundamentally wrong with him. If you're already sure the plumbing is working and the hormone levels look good stop pursuing the "let's find out what's wrong with you" by going to doctors x, y, z route. I can tell already that this is a MENTAL/PSYCHOLOGICAL problem. You need to attack it from that angle. Some ideas:
1) Get him on Cialis (better than Viagra as it lasts 36 hours or so). I agree you don't want to rely on it long-term but it is very valuable now for both it's real effects as well as it's placebo effects. He will be less stressed mentally not having to worry about losing the wind in the sails. As things improve you can start cutting this out.
2) You might also consider certain herbal supplements ("horny goat weed" or epimedium comes to mind) as they can boost libido sometimes significantly. Also beneficial for placebo effect. Can find HGW at most health food stores. Also consider DHEA as he's approaching 40.
3) Create a great environment for sex. Switch-out the light in your room to either a red light or a blacklight. Make sure this is the only source of illumination in the room. It does make a difference (seriously try it!) Maybe candles in the bathroom. Incense. Also, music.
4) Good hygiene (given). Make sure you're both smelling good. Wear something sexy. Most men love curves -- wear something that accentuates yours.
5) Before you turn to the love nest, you might consider dressing-up nice and going on the town bar-hopping, dancing, etc. Lighten-up the mood. Your man needs to RELAX and CUT-LOOSE. Not sure your stance on alcohol/weed but a bit of inebriation probably would help. Also, flirt and be playful. Remember sex starts in the brain. You need to bypass his massive mental roadblock.
6) Oh, and exercise. Not sure if he exercises regularly but if not he should. Cardio and resistance. He will feel better about himself, will feel more confident about his appearance (especially naked), and it will beneficially effect his libido.
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Re: Sexually incompatible? 
