virginswife

First off, thank you to anyone who has taken the time to read this, and even more so to those who pass along words of wisdom or advice. It's such a kindness that strangers will take that time out for each other, and as this has been bottled up inside me for too long, let me apologize in advance if I've been a little wordy.

Okay, so...

We've been together 3 years. I love him.

We met at a time when I was not necessarily looking for a relationship, but he fell into my lap and he was cute and funny and I liked him very strongly right away.
He kissed me on our second date, sweetly. On our third date he got naked, sat down on his couch, and let me give him a blow job. I thought it was funny that he wasn't transitioning into the bedroom, but whatever. Boys are weird. He came after not too long, while he was still soft. In fact, he never got hard. I guess I thought it was weird, but didn't make too much of it. I didn't want to make it awkward for him.

The next time, at my house, I made sure that we transitioned into bed, but once again I blew him, he came, but he never got an erection. It was after this that he confessed that he was a virgin.

A tall, handsome, successful lawyer 34 year old virgin.

I was totally astounded!
Sorry, but I don't know about you, but I might have had a bit of a stereotype in my head of what a 34 year old virgin might be like\look like, and it sure as heck wasn't this guy!

I couldn't believe it...except it really explained a lot about what had been happening when we got naked!

My heart was beating but I played it cool, and he has always been grateful to me for that.

He told me that it just hadn't happened for him - he wasn't trying to wait for marriage or love or whatever. He had some hang-ups about sex when he was young, didn't have the confidence to go all the way. As he got older, his lack of experience made him a little shy, and the longer it went, the worse he felt until he just stopped trying, figured it would never work out for him. Poor guy.

But here we were. He'd really worked up some courage, and he was going to go for it. And he successfully got a naked woman in bed who was willing to have sex with him!

Except he couldn't. Years of self-denial, sexual suppression, and lack of self-confidence had given him erectile difficulties. He couldn't get hard.

Very difficult to lose your virginity when you can't get hard.

It took about a month of constant "work" to get to the point where he could achieve a small erection and finally, he got it in and lost his virginity.

Great!

Except not really.

Because now he's this grown man who has no experience or know-how, and I'm really starting to feel sad about how one-sided our sex life has always been.

Yes, I married him knowing that we had these problems, and maybe I should just grin and bear it.

But before we married, I told him how incredibly important sex is to me. My previous marriage failed because my libido was too high and his too low, and he was unwilling to compromise and our relationship deteriorated. Obviously, being with a virgin, I was really hesitant to go down this road. When he told me, I spent a lot of time wondering whether I could even pursue this relationship at all. I was intimidated by the amount of work and sacrifice it would require on my part. Professionally, I'm a therapist, and personally, I'm just not a quitter. I had strong feelings for him and I guess part of me wanted to help him. I knew that it would be rare for him to find someone else who was as understanding.

So for months we worked on this every day. Very slowly, he started to get more hard during sex. Not every time, and not for the whole time, but partial erections returned, and that was a triumph.

He tried viagra for a while, but felt that those were false erections, so we went back to trying just naturally, and he did improve, to the point where he could have normal intercourse and come from it.

But 3 years later, he still struggles. There are days he cannot get erections. More often than not, he does get one but it vanishes inside me. I find him so sweet and so sexy that I want us to have crazy-awesome sex four times a day, and he says he wants that too, but fails to initiate (or to respond to my initiatives). Obviously, he has some major mental hurdles and sometimes just thinking that he may fail makes him not want to even try.

This is really starting to affect our happiness and marriage.

I have spent years putting my wants and desires on the back burner so that I can help him. I have been upfront with these needs and he has always assured me that this is what he was working towards. But he has never sought therapy. He doesn't read books, check out forums, or do anything to really help himself. I've had to teach him everything, and it's been kind of a turn-off to me to always be the leader\teacher, and never get to just lie back and be taken care of!

I want to make this work but fear we are just not sexually compatible. I want it so much, and he seems to be able to take it or leave it. He doesn't experience desire or "horniness" the way the rest of us might - he never gets hard thinking about or anticipating sex. He's never just ready to go - we have to go through a lot of foreplay in order for him to even get inside, and then he's probably going to lose it once he's there. So then I have to go back to the drawing board, get him all excited and hard again...and then once he's in, he loses it. It gets a bit depressing.

He wants to be able to get me off, and he does try. But as he was a virgin, he just doesn't have a lot of moves. I've tried to teach him, to tell him what I like, but it's been three years and I just feel like he should be better than this by now.

What on earth can we do?
I feel so lonely.
My body needs sex.
I feel like I am continually disappointed.
I feel like he doesn't love me\respect me enough to make the changes that are necessary.
I just feel sad most of the time. Even the good times don't feel that happy anymore because this is always hanging over us.

Help!

Mavash.

This paragraph sums up your problem. You're a rescuer which I find quite ironic considering you're a therapist and I would think you'd know better. The lie you told yourself is if you helped him enough one day he'd give back. Well he's not and by his actions he isn't going to.

He's pushing 40 when his drive would decrease anyway so in your case it's almost like trying to save a drowning ship.

Personally I don't see your situation getting any better. This man is obviously more damaged than you can fix. So now you get to choose. Stay with him and keep being his leader/teacher or cut your losses and find a grown up. If you choose option two next time don't ignore the red flags.

virginswife

This is what therapists do. They take care of other people.

He is broken. It is so sad to see him struggling to have what 'normal' people have - but have no idea how to get it. Is he fixable? Maybe, but he has to want it himself. His libido is low, he doesn't often seek out sex for himself, but he tells me every day that he doesn't want to be this way, that he does want sex, mentally if not physically.

But as I said, nothing is changing. Is he just lazy? Incapable of change? Sex is such a touchy subject that I can't be sure of what he's saying...and I'm not even sure that he's not lying to himself. It's important for me to remain his wife, not his therapist, though we've clearly been in deep in this for a long time now. I'm not sure what else I can do for him at this point.

SprucHub

I do not understand why Viagra gives "false erections". Yes, they are not borne of his natural will, but if it's sex you seek . . . I say this because if I could not perform, and it's something my wife wanted, I'd take the darn pill (I am wholly against unnecessary medicine too). It is a biological function. Also, what about toys? If he used them on you it may be nice. Does he desire you or is he just trying to placate you?

Maybe there is a hidden fetish that he doesn't even know about. A spouse's job is, in part, to be a therapist. Help him find his problems - the roots. Maybe there is no solution, but identifying the trama/the problem may at least give you answers. I assume he's been tested for normal levels of testosterone?


Maybe its not sex you seek. Maybe you are looking to fix/heal him and are looking for that validation?

FormerNiceGuy

You sound like a decent, caring person.

Remember that the largest sex organ is the brain. How about a little tough love, Doc? Therapy is needed, pronto.

Since you are a therapist, do you know Pia Mellody's work? She has created a program of 3/4 day intensives that are conducted throughout the U.S. Very powerful program and it cuts right to the core.

No More Mr. Nice Guy is a great starting point as well if your husband is a "nice guy" (meaning codependent), which from the earlier description, it sounds like he could be.

Finally, is he depressed? Why no activation?

Does he masturbate or look at porn?

virginswife

Spruc,
I wish I knew the answer the real answer to your question of desire. He certainly seems to appreciate my curves and how I look. He definitely appreciates the sexual awakening I've given him.

His testosterone checked out okay. He went to a GP at my request to get some anti-depressants and a referral to a urologist...who checked him out only perfunctorily, in my opinion. I think he should have pursued it a little more, but doctors don't seem to believe a 35 year old really has a problem.

I think we basically did get to the root of the problem for him (some of which were parental and value-based) and from a mental stand point, he's actually come a long way. He's a lot freer and open-minded. He's still vanilla to my kinky, but I think that's more inexperience. He's open.

virginswife

Former,
Great suggestion! Wow, I love what I've tapped into here, so many insightful, resourceful people!
Good call on the depression. I did get him on medication for a time and that definitely helped his mood if not his sex drive (he lacked emotion almost completely...unable to express happiness, sadness, anger, etc) - he'd shut down as a person in order to deal with what he thought was certain loneliness.
The pills made a huge difference for him and he was able to come out of his shell a bit. But then he insisted that he needed to stop taking them after about a year because he felt they made him sleepy and used that as the excuse du jour on why he wasn't having sex. Now that he's off them...same problem, different excuse.
And yes, right on the head again on the Mr Nice Guy front. He is nice, almost to a fault. So I worry he's telling me what he thinks I want to hear, and has blinders on to reality.

virginswife

And no - he doesn't really do either.
He masturbated to porn occasionally when he was single, but his libido was even lower then (he just shut it off for many years).

that_girl

I couldn't stay in this relationship. The night he "let" you give him a bj, did he do ANYTHING for you? If not, red flag one.

__________________

hookares

Has he had an evaluation by an endocrinologist? He may have an imbalance with his hormones which contributes to his problem.
Assuming that he isn't unknowingly gay, his testosterone level may be on the low side and not jump starting his response.
Most guys his age can get hard if the wind blows, let alone if a willing loving lady takes the lead.

virginswife

That Girl,
Hah, no he certainly did not! Poor kid. He had no idea what he was doing. He's better now. He steps up quite a lot actually, although part of that is because he feels that intercourse is inadequate. I've worked hard at showing him that sex is all the nice things we do in bed, not just penis-in-vagina.
He still hasn't figured out oral so never attempts it. He sticks with what he knows!
At any rate, I don't necessarily need to be hit back every time. I love sucking him off.

virginswife

Hoo,

Looking into an endo sounds like a good idea. His testosterone was apparently fine, but I have serious doubts. I started him on zinc to try to boost it naturally.
And nope, not gay. He's actually comfortable enough to think about that\explore it, but he's a big straight jock.

Mavash.

What about you and your needs? It's a lofty goal and very sweet of you to want to help this guy but you are doing so at a very high cost. Is it worth it?

You of all people should know that you can't fix him nor can you want it for him. He's been this way for so long and my theory is once you get past the age of about 33 the grooves are so well worn that it's almost impossible to overcome without some serious desire on the part of the broken person and he doesn't have it. You've done all that you can and if its not better by now it's not going to get better.

I've done 3 rounds of therapy and within 6 months I had improved. This guy is still struggling and it doesn't even seem to be a priority to him.

You are a vibrant highly sexual woman and you settled. What I wonder is why? What made you settle for this man that was clearly broken? Did you really think you could fix him?

virginswife

M,
Good question.
I guess the answer is: when it's good, it's great.
I totally believe that marriage comes with some sacrifice, but I also believe that after 3 years, I've made too many. But then it's a fine line of when to pull the plug...like, now I think, well, I've sunk 3 years (and lots of emotion) into this, shouldn't I stick it out just another week to see if this time he really means it?

It's almost like a cycle of abuse and I'm hoping to find something that helps us break out of it other than divorce.

Mavash.

Marriage isn't about being a teacher/rescuer/helper its about love, passion, companionship, partnership and MUTUAL sacrifice. What has this guy ever done for you?

On when to pull the plug you are preaching to the choir on that one. It's hard I won't lie but do you really think another week is going to make that much of a difference?

It IS like a cycle of abuse which is why I'm wondering how you got trapped. My childhood was crappy and I've frequently found myself in the 'rescuer' role but thankfully my therapy has worked and the only people I feel like helping are here now on TAM. I get my helping fix here but I'm free to walk away at any point so it's different than trying to rescue a life partner.

You married a guy thinking/hoping erroneously that he'd change. He didn't. It's really okay to leave him. He didn't hold up his end of the bargain and even if he didn't you still have the right to leave without one good reason. Last time I checked you could leave just because you wanted to. Just because you deserve better. Just because you made an error in judgement. Should you have to live the rest of your life sexless because you tried to help someone that couldn't be helped?