PHTlump

As the others have said, you have to find some self-respect. Your wife won't respect you until you respect yourself.

Your wife has told you that she wants to live as roommates. So take her at her word and treat her like a roommate. Stop doing anything for her. Stop giving her orgasms. Stop doing her chores. Stop giving her money. Deposit your paycheck in a personal account that she doesn't have access to.

Stop putting more effort into meeting her needs than she puts into meeting yours. Get out with your kids and do fun things, without her. You can stay married to your wife and act like a single dad. Run the 180 on her.

It's very possible that doing this will give one of the following results. Either she notices that you have become more assertive and becomes more attracted to you, or she notices that her gravy train has been derailed and she needs to move on to another chump. It's unlikely that she will move on because the number of men willing to support a lazy, unproductive, sexless, morbidly obese woman is very small.

Also, by doing things for yourself, you will become happier. You may not have sex. But at least you won't be jumping through hoops anymore.

Good luck.

The Healing Heart: The 180

Tall Average Guy

One important part of this is being crystal clear about why you are doing it. Don't pout, yell, be passive agressive, or childish. Just be calm and clear that because she is not interested in working to meet your needs, you are focusing on yourself and don't have time to focus on her. You need to make sure that your words and your actions are aligned.

NeverAgain12

dude - what they said. Not that looks are everything, but where does a 310 lb woman get off saying that she's better than you?

Do the 180 and treat her like she doesn't deserve you - because she doesn't.

donny64

This

This is NOT a game you'll be playing. You need to take REAL steps to make yourself happy. You can't just "try it out" and then back off. You can't bluff your way through this. You need to BE "this".

Pal, I've lived it. And every single time I acted contrary to how I felt (I mean over time, I do not "call" someone over every little stupid thing), I got nailed.

Several years ago, I decided to be this way. At first, I was worried I was "being a prikk", and not being overly nice to these great women would drive them away. But I bluffed my way through...at first. Then I met a woman who I got along with incredibly well, and who was very attractive. All was great. I was "standing my ground" and the relationship was going swimingly. Until I started to lose my spine. First, one small thing. I kept my mouth shut. Long story short, I morphed right back into the "nice guy" I tried to leave behind. Not only did it not keep this woman for me, I hated every minute we were apart because I could not trust her, she did not respect me, and was treating me like a doormat. Right back to being a puzzy. And it got me NOWHERE. Fortunately I found my balls and walked away when I found out she had gone out on a date with someone else. It was tough, but I walked away and did not look back at that point.

Months later, after dating quite a few people, I met my wife. Prettier than the other one, and we also got along great. The difference? She "chit tested" me. And I NEVER took it. I also never got overly mad, yelled, broke anything, or have I ever called her a single name. I just calmly and sternly told her I was not going to accept that kind of behavior. Well, there are no more "chit tests", and we have the best relationship I've had in my life. I'm in bliss when she's with me, and also when she's not. It is such a wonderful feeling of calm. She respects me, and I respect her. She's attracted to me, and I'm attracted to her.

I will NEVER go back to being the "nice guy". I treat her extraordinarily well, BUT, she has earned that by treating me extraordinarily well. If / when she stops, I will stop. I certainly won't be kissing her butt hoping to make her like me because I'm a "nice guy". She'll like me because I treat her well, she treats me well, and we have mutual respect and appreciation. That is just not possible if you're a doormat and she does not respect you. And if she doesn't respect you, she cannot find you attractive and sexy.

So, work on yourself. Screw her. Don't tell her what you're doing, JUST DO IT. And in 6 months or a year down the line when you've got your crap together and she's still playing solitaire on the computer and eating bon-bons, she can then sit back and know (which I already suspects she does by trying to keep you down with the "you're not good enough for me crap") that she's not nearly good enough for you.

MOVE ON from where you are. She can come with you if she gets it together, or you can do so on your own. But you do need to move on (or forward) from where you are. Your choice to start it, and her choice on if she'll follow your lead or get left behind. She WANTS and NEEDS you to lead. And if she doesn't, someone else will, and my bet is by the time you've worked on yourself and gotten some damn confidence, this new person won't be a 310 pound sexless unappreciative manipulator.

Do some reading. "Why nice guys suck". Plenty of google material there. It's human nature. Understand it, be good to yourself, and everything else should fall in line.

Best of luck. You don't need to lose the pair (castration) your wife carries in her purse, you need to take them back.

Browncoat

I agree completely. One other thing too you'll find as you focus on yourself you'll feel like your regaining your sanity, your masculinity, and confidence. All of that will do wonders for you, and that's what I wanted to emphasize: do the 180 for you, for your health.

In the end if she comes around that's an extra perk, but the goal is you. She's hurt you deeply and you need time to recover, so put your mind and body where it needs to be to heal.

FormerNiceGuy

iGuy - read, reread and reread again. This is gold.

iGuy

Hi

Thank you for the replies. Been a CRAZY week. There has been some great comments/advice posted here. I will read and absorb it. Thank you so much for your input thus far

dahling

I doubt that your story of your sexless marriage is the same old story unless the norm is:
a parnter who while dating you went on and on about how much they liked sex with others
a partner who cheated while dating with a someone they enjoyed sex with
a partner they had bad and infrequent sex with from the get go

If most sexless marriages began that way then it's not surprising that the marriage is sexless as it seems the partner had no to low sexual desire for the other, showed lacking sexual loyalty, before the marriage, and from the get go of the marriage had bad and infrequent sex leading to lying there just waiting for the other to get it over with.

It seems as if you married a person who had glaring warning signs that they didn't desire you near the desire you had for them, wasn't sexual loyal to you, and didn't enjoy sex with you.

To me your marriage isn't sexless because you're a nice guy, understanding, not holding her accountable, or etc. It's because you married a partner who didn't love you or desired to have sex with you.

Likely:
You wanted the relationship because you wanted her.
She wanted the relationship because you were there and fit the criteria- you're interchangeable object not a human being.

You said you tried it all-
When the sex was bad and infrequent did you try to communicate with her as to how you both could enjoy it?

When she would just lies there and wait for you to get it over with did you ask why she does so?

When she would make excuses for not wanting sex did you ask why don't want to have sex with me in general rather than this insistence?

Had you done so most likely you would have seen the 'she doesn't love you' or at least the 'she doesn't desire you' lightbulb.

Seems more like you tried it all following the advice of others rather than hearing what she had to say or wanted. To me had you actually honestly evaulated your relationship you may have seen quite sooner she never loved you or desired you.

As for how to get there's prescription medicine and herbs to kill or severely diminish the libidio.

donny64

You are right. He did marry a partner who didn't love him or desire to have sex with him. But here's where I believe you may be wrong. She wasn't attracted because he never built a solid foundation for it from the start. He was not giving her what she needed, from the start, a man she could respect and be attracted to. My bet is this...take this very same man, with the very same looks. Give him some self respect and confidence, as well as the attitude that he will not accept less than what he deserves, and I'll bet you my next paycheck she is not acting the way she is towards him, or herself. NO WAY.

There are reasons that many drop dead gorgeous women out there are dating guys that are clearly not on the same scale of physical attractiveness as they are. It's because they're incredibly attracted to the man inside the "not even close to George Cloony" outer package. A doormat only attracts dirt. The only woman, in my experience, truly attracted to that is attracted for other reasons than love, respect, and appreciation.

Bluemoon1

Some great advice in this thread

And I agree with most of it, especially about you reclaiming your dignity and manning up!

Ignore any advice to talk to her about it, she will see this as a sign of weakness and you being needy, take it off the menu completely, if she has no desire for you it will be a one way street it will turn into you begging and pleading and then getting angry, (yes many of us have been there before).

Start as you mean yo go on!

Shaggy

Really just divorce her. She selfishly lied to you and has never been a wife to you. Don't get surgery or chemicals because she is selfish b1tch, instead ditch her to her fat fate and upgrade your life.
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dahling

To me it's a toss up that she'll become attracted to him if he gets some self-respect and confidence.

Some gals have more factors than that. All the self respect and confidence doesn't help a guy who isn't 5'10'' when dealing with my gal pal. Nor does it help an overweight guy with another gal pal of mine.

Sometimes attraction and/or love cannot be forced or grown no matter what a person does or say.

His wife may not act the same way because he won't tolerate it but that doesn't mean she'll be attracted to him.

She may just have more sex with him or even put on a show of enjoying sex with him.

Those drop dead gorgeous women were dating less attractive guys for their own reasons. Just because it works for someone with a vagina doesn't automatically and necessarily mean it works with all/most who have a vagina.

I know many drop dead gorgeous gals to who less attractive guys don't even exist in their world.

Taking one woman's dating preferences/choices and applying it to all/most gal's is a bit of a reach to me.

donny64

I didn't say all or most. Many women. I meant that as a "good number of", not as a majority.

No, it won't work for all, but it definately gives a guy a "leg up" over others, all else being equal. Answer this for me; how many women do you know that have something going for them....looks, smarts, career, etc., who go for a spineless guy? The prototypical "nice guy" who won't stand up for himself? Who she can walk all over? I'm going to bet not a lot of them. I would bet there are more who are dating guys who are not the greatest lookers than who are dating wussies or doormats. That's the point I guess I was getting to.

There's a lot of reasons for that, varying from nice guys being deceitful, putting up with things, thinking they're not worthy, and other things that build resentment in a man until they become a shell of themselves and harbor resentful feelings towards their mate. Nobody wants someone to resent them.

And yes, it may be too late, or never possible in the first place. She may NEVER be possibly attracted to him. Maybe he was nothing more than a "meal ticket", and no amount of work on himself will matter. We all know one or two "meal ticket" guys out there. And those type of women that want that DO NOT want a strong guy. That was why I said "doormats attract dirt".

My best buddy just got out of a relationship as that. Great guy, but he takes far too much. Very easy going and would rather keep the peace than stand up for himself. His words. We (his friends) saw what she was about immediately. I had a sit down with him early on and said "dude, what the f*** are you thinking?!!!! Can't you see what she's about?!!" He took her crap. She purposely alienated (or attempted to) all of his friends. Didn't want him out of the house. Blew up his phone with calls and texts to keep tabs on him. He could not go out with friends alone. She had moved in after a couple weeks, and immediately began referring to the place as "my house", "my dog", etc., etc.

The ending to this is, it took a year, her hitting on him, her cheating on him (or at least threatening to), a lawer, a restraining order, a cash payout settlement of $10k to get her out of HIS house that she had "established residency" in (her words), and a lot of verbal abuse from her before it ended. Had he a spine, this impossible situation would have never happened in the first place, or would have ended far sooner and cost him much less of his sanity and money.

He's now with a great girl. One I had a work-friend relationship with and wanted to date, but she was still involved with another. By the time that was over for her, my wife was in the picture. So, I set them up. One of her first comments to one of our female friends was "He's good looking, fit, great job, etc., etc., but he seems like a bit of a wuss". He's not a "wuss" per-se, but he is extremely easy going to the point, as I stated above, he'll not stand up for himself. They're still together 6 months later, but I see her becoming a little more controlling and the bumps in the road are starting to develop, and he's getting frustrated and doesn't know how to deal with it other than "let it be, it's not worth the hassle".

Just a couple examples. The don't apply to every situation obviously, but they are clear examples of the dynamics of many relationships, and what happens when one or the other party does not stand up for themselves and take the lead in their own personal life, happieness and well being. How can anyone respect and be attracted to someone who does not look out and take care of #1? If a man can't take care of and look out for himself, how can he possibly take care of and look out for his woman?

The thing is, this relationship may be doomed or not. But he's got to take steps to better himself and look out for himself. And as I said, then it's up to her if she follows or gets left behind as he becomes happy with himself and confident again. What woman would NOT want that, all else being equal?

dahling

I didn't claim you said all or most. Miscommunication if you felt that way.

My point is it works for those women for their own reasons so it's a bit of a reach to apply those women's reasons to this woman. She many not be one of the many and she hasn't shown any indication she is going by the OP.

It seemed as if you were suggesting because more attractive women chose less attractive men for other reasons he can just force/grow attraction for similiar reasons. As if since those women do it and there's many of them then it's good general advice.

You lost your first bet. I know many women that have something going for them that go for a spineless guy. The common factor being he's either either extremely attractive or wealthy.

The second bet you sort of won. Most women I know aren't dating wussies/doormats however who aren't the greatest lookers certainly aren't dating guys less attractive than them. There isn't a large discrepancy between looks in the couples and for most of the women I know no amount of confidence or other reason would change their minds.

I know many people respect others that don't look out and take care of #1. In fact the reasont the people respect that person is because s/he doesn't consider themselves #1 but rather their partner, family, children, etc.

I know many gals who aren't attracted to 'look out and take care of #1' guys as they think she should be #1 to him and he should be #1 to her.

There's a big difference to me for looking out and taking care of #1 with #1 being yourself and not taking care and looking out for yourself.

Many women wouldn't want that as regardless of whether he better or look out for himself her feelings have remained the same only the situation is different- her paycheck is leaving.

DTO

Back to the original post,

That she wants you to keep this to yourself is by itself a huge red flag. Isn't it said somwhere that trying to isolate your spouse is a sign of abuse? Asking for your silence says:

1) She knows she is treating you miserably, and that the overwhelming response you will see is exactly what you have gotten here.

2) She does not plan to improve herself or treat you better, which carries unfortunate implications for what she sees as your role in your life. Since she does not plan to improve, but wants to keep you around to meet her needs, you being on here just makes her life more difficult.

You need to understand that this is a woman operating with a serious entitlement mentality. She just wants to kick back and have someone else do the heavy lifting. If she really valued your satisfaction in the relationship she would at least go to counseling with you. And, if she really thought she was doing right by you she would not request that keep quiet about this.

Also, I commend your stand against divorce. However, I think that can be taken too far. As a Christian, you need to know divorce is permissible. The Biblical standard is sexually satisfying your spouse only. Everyone gets that if you cheat you have wronged your spouse, who then has grounds for a divorce. Not everyone gets that neglecting your spouses's sexuality is likewise wrong and essentially an abandonment of the marriage.

On this track, there are only three possible outcomes:

1) You can simply go on serving her and internalizing your emotions indefinitely, which is unlikely given the level of frustration emanating from your original post.
2) You become unable or unwilling to meet her demands (either because your endurance runs out or outside circumstances prevent you from doing so) and you maybe do not initiate a divorce but do not try to stop her from doing it.
3) She cleans up her act, develops some options for herself, and bails on you in her own good time.

So, what's it going to be?