Sexless marriage - same old story
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Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 04-23-2012, 06:55 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Sexless marriage - same old story

Hi

I promised my wife I wouldn't speak out of our relationship, but I need help! I feel like I am losing my mind!!

Brief Intro
Briefly; Been married for 12 years. I got married as a virgin, my wife had 2 partners (that she told me about). We have 2 kids.

Before we got married, she used to tell me about how much fun sex was, all the things she used to do with her exes and how experimental they were. She has told me about their penis sizes and shapes.

While we were still dating, she used to tell me how her and her most recent ex were often so horny, they "just wanted to screw each others' brains out". How much fun they had, she even had sex with him while she was menstruating.

Of course, while dating them, she kept herself fit, thin and healthy. After we got married, we moved in and while unpacking her stuff for her, I saw some really sexy lingerie - that she wore for the others. She refuses to wear anything like that with me.

About a month after we started dating, she called up her ex and had sex with him - SHE initiated it.

Marriage

We got married, sex was bad and infrequent. She used to blame me. Years down the line, we now have sex (if I'm lucky), once every 2 months. When we do have sex, she would just lie there and wait for me to get it over with. I've tried everything, reading sex technique books, relationship advice, getting better jobs, doing much housework, kids etc. She's always had, excuses for not wanting sex.

Excuses ranging from (but not limited to) her being tired [but she has enough time to play computer games until 1am], me being dirty, too clean, not enjoying kissing, me not having rhythm, being uncomfortable, sex being messy, her just not liking sex anymore to her past abuse by her brother - you name it!!!

3 nights ago, she said she thinks she has endometriosis. Said her mom had it. Said that since the beginning, sex with me was painful. Said her ex had a much smaller penis than me, that's why she could enjoy it more.
The excuses she has come up with are more creative every day!

I cook, clean (I clean MOST of the house while she plays on her laptop). I have taken a better job with longer hours and more pay, so that she can work half-days. Everything you can suggest from romancing, giving her space, helping [and doing most work] around the house, reading and trying sexual techniques - I have tried them ALL!!

The realisation is basically, her and I will never have sex again. I'm gutted. I'm 33, have a VERY strong sex drive and now this.

I want to support my wife and be there for her. I make NO demands of her, not even sex. I know and realise she obviously hates sex (with me anyway) and after a lifetime of rejection, I cannot ask to be aroused anymore.

I so desperately wanted a fun, passionate, spontaneous sex life with the wife I love. She used to OPENLY (WITHOUT me asking), brag about her exciting sex life before me with various partners and how much fun she had.

For the past 6 or so years, I've regularly asked for us to go to marriage counseling. She isn't interested. She doesn't even read a relationship book we discussed and bought. Not going to doctor either for the supposed endometriosis. She weighs 310lbs now (weighed around 140lbs for her exes).

2 years ago, I asked for a divorce - NOT because of another woman. But because I couldn't take this loveless, one sided marriage anymore. I then repented and decided to work on our relationship. But it feels/seems as if much/most comes from my side. This is AFTER she blatantly told a friend in my presence that she was never in love with me and that I merely filled 3 check box criteria.

I am devastated. I don't know what to do or where to turn. I feel as if she has betrayed her marriage vows. She has explicitly told me to masturbate instead of bothering her for sex.

As for advice; divorce is not an option, neither is stuff like prostitutes or "open relationship".

In order to reduce my libido, I'm considering getting a voluntary chemical or surgical castration. What is the policy for this in the UK? are there natural things I can take that will completely remove my libido? What can I do?

This isn't being a martyr. I made a promise to her and God (yes, I am a Christian - hence divorce not being an option). I need a way for me to get my thoughts AWAY from ANY for of sex or sexuality. But my heart is so broken at the cold rejection...
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Old 04-23-2012, 06:58 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sexless marriage - same old story

1. Maybe she lied about her past?
2. What kind of gf tells her VIRGIN bf about her sexual past like that O.o I mean, who just shares that? Kinda rude, imo.
3. You're not that good in bed and she doesn't know how to tell you. sorry if that stung just trying to see how she feels if she was so sexual beforehand.
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Old 04-23-2012, 07:02 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sexless marriage - same old story

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Originally Posted by that_girl View Post
1. Maybe she lied about her past?
2. What kind of gf tells her VIRGIN bf about her sexual past like that O.o I mean, who just shares that? Kinda rude, imo.
3. You're not that good in bed and she doesn't know how to tell you. sorry if that stung just trying to see how she feels if she was so sexual beforehand.
Don't see how she lied - there was ample evidence of her sex life...

I agree that I might just not be that good in bed. But I thought that a couple should work on these things - together?

Besides, I have read a LOT about sex, karma sutra etc. I am great at performing a Yoni Massage and can make her orgasm twice in a row. I don't think I am THAT bad in bed...
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Old 04-23-2012, 07:05 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sexless marriage - same old story

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Originally Posted by Mavash. View Post
Why is divorce not an option?

1. I made a promise - I have my honour
2. I have children, it will devastate them
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Old 04-23-2012, 07:17 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sexless marriage - same old story

Get an inflatable kiddie pool, dump in one whole bottle of baby oil. Best sex ever! And maybe instead of just reading about sexual techniques, how about discussing what makes her feel good in bed? Every woman is different. Btw, I give you a lot of credit for hanging in there because of your wedding vows.
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Old 04-23-2012, 07:20 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sexless marriage - same old story

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Originally Posted by drmmommy View Post
Get an inflatable kiddie pool, dump in one whole bottle of baby oil. Best sex ever! And maybe instead of just reading about sexual techniques, how about discussing what makes her feel good in bed? Every woman is different. Btw, I give you a lot of credit for hanging in there because of your wedding vows.
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I've discussed it with her - NUMEROUS times! Her reply (as always) is "Nothing kinky", just do the normal...
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Old 04-23-2012, 07:22 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sexless marriage - same old story

she dosen't respect you start holding her accountable.

why do you do all the chores?

start snooping.
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Old 04-23-2012, 07:29 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sexless marriage - same old story

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Originally Posted by chillymorn View Post
she dosen't respect you start holding her accountable.

why do you do all the chores?

start snooping.
I do most chores. She helps. I feel sorry for her being tired.

Snooping? She's here all the time - on her sofa under a blanket

I realise she doesn't respect me. She even said so recently. Said she has always thought of herself as being better than me.

Maybe, my new longer hours away from home and picking up my martial arts classes again will make me more of a "commodity" because I will be away from home more
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Old 04-23-2012, 07:41 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sexless marriage - same old story

To be honest, I had a strong sense that you were the good guy she married after she sowed her oats - before I read your comment that she married you for meeting those three criteria.

So, she clearly is not attracted to you (and never was). Beyond that, she does not even respect you.

The usual advice (you don't have any leverage if you refuse to divorce) applies here.
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Old 04-23-2012, 07:48 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sexless marriage - same old story

To be honest, I had a strong sense that you were the good guy she married after she sowed her oats - before I read your comment that she married you for meeting those three criteria.

So, she clearly is not attracted to you (and never was). Beyond that, she does not even respect you.

The usual advice (you don't have any leverage if you refuse to divorce) applies here.

But why are you feeling sorry for someone who treats you so badly? You need to break that habit and carry yourself like you deserve better before expecting anything from her.
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Old 04-23-2012, 10:18 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sexless marriage - same old story

I agree that it appears she does not respect you and has lost any attraction for you. You're a "nice guy". Stop being the nice guy. Stop being her doormat. She's seems to be getting everything she wants in this marriage, and is completely comfortable not giving you what you want. It's time to make her believe you'll walk. You don't have to say it, just "be" it.

Start improving yourself. Lose the gut. Run. Get activities outside of the house once or twice a week that don't include her. Dress better (if you don't dress nice now). Keep up on the grooming. Don't tell her why you're doing this other than you want to improve yourself and have just the tiniest bit of a life of your own.

Stop being her freakin' maid and butler. You know, all those things are fine....cooking, cleaning, etc., but not when she does not appreciate them and takes them for granted. Stop it. Make her get off her dead butt and out from behind the games on her computer screen.

It sounds to me like if she isn't cheating on you, she could be headed that direction. Or she'll just leave you before she does. I'm not disparaging your wife, but it's a fact someone wants to be with someone they are attracted to. Start doing some research on THAT, and what attracts women.

I used to be you years ago. Thought being the "nice guy" was the way to go. Could not, for the life of me, figure out why my relationships ended badly, why we stopped having sex, etc. Later in life I decided I'd had enough of "women's crap" and was not going to put up with it. I did a few things...took care of myself and found a life. And I stopped acting contrary to how I felt. If I was upset with something they did, I let them know. If I was unhappy with a circumstance or situation, I let them know. (We're talking serious things here that bothered me, not the coffee cup on the counter or cap off the toothpaste stuff). I simply stopped letting someone treat me badly and brushing it off as okay. And if it got to be too much, I was ready to walk away, and they knew it. I will not live like that again. We'll either have a loving, caring, honest, reciprocal and open relationship, or I will move on to the next one.

This made a huge difference for me. I wasn't acting, I was just being myself and not letting frustrations fester into resentment and anger.

I've had few problems since. Sure, they're still there, but much fewer problems.

She's not respecting you, and that is NOT okay. But, you can't demand it, you have to EARN it.

Please man, do yourself a favor before it's too late with your wife (if it already isn't). Start reading up on attraction and what attracts women. A guy who takes their crap, and follows it up by cooking for them, cleaning for them, and begging for sex is simply NOT IT. It's the whole "nice guy" thing. You're the nice stable guy, but she wants the "bad boy". Now, you don't want to be that, but somewhere in the middle there is what I call the "good guy". Not a "nice guy doormat" type, and not the loser, can't be reigned in or controlled "bad boy". Find a nice balance between the two.

Get yourself in shape. Treat it as though you're preparing for a new life without her, because you may very well be. Then maybe, if you truly love her and you're lucky, she'll start to re-gain attraction for you. And who knows, once she sees this, maybe she'll get off her dead butt and out from behind the computer and better herself in order to keep you.

Listen to yourself...."voluntary castration"?!!!! Dude, I understand you love her, but really? For someone that doesn't love you back?
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Old 04-24-2012, 03:03 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sexless marriage - same old story

Stop doing so much for her and being so understanding! She is abusing you and she is failing to live up to her side of the marriage bargain. She has a duty to sort this out or end the marriage.

You need to be in a place where she knows that you can live without her. She needs to know what is at stake here.

As for the 'promise not to talk outside of the marriage' bs, that is typical of an abuser. Wake up. Don't take this any more.

Christians can get divorced and do all the time. Being a Christian doesn't mean you have to accept being a pathetic, helpless domestic slave to an abusive woman.

Last edited by johnnycomelately; 04-24-2012 at 03:27 AM.
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Old 04-24-2012, 06:32 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sexless marriage - same old story

Really is there anything to say. How pathetic & sad. You give her orgasms, thus you are doing something okay.

At the end of the day the two scariest words creeped in yet again explaining why there are few answers: Virgin & Christian

All I can say is take control of your life.
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Old 04-24-2012, 07:03 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sexless marriage - same old story

Based on everything you wrote, why would she have sex with you?

She's got you completely dominated in life. She can say whatever she wants, she can do whatever she wants, she can eat whatever she wants.... and in response you work more hours, do more housework and are considering castrating yourself.

She is probably the happiest person on earth with this arrangement. I seriously doubt she has any motivation to change.

What you have to do is turn things around such that she only attains happiness and satisfaction in life when she is sexual with her man.
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Old 04-24-2012, 09:23 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Sexless marriage - same old story

Hi iGuy ~

You might want to take the following assessment:

No More Mr. Nice Guy! - Take the No More Mr. Nice Guy! Self-Assessment

If you score high, this might be a good read for you:

http://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glov...r_Nice_Guy.pdf

See if it resonates with you...there's also a support forum if you fit the 'nice guy' category at the same place the assessment was.

YOU can rewrite that same old story, if you choose to. It just takes a conscious decision from you everyday to re-frame the 'words' of your story in a way that matches up with what you truly want.

Best wishes.
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