Sexless marriage - same old story
I promised my wife I wouldn't speak out of our relationship, but I need help! I feel like I am losing my mind!!
Briefly; Been married for 12 years. I got married as a virgin, my wife had 2 partners (that she told me about). We have 2 kids.
Before we got married, she used to tell me about how much fun sex was, all the things she used to do with her exes and how experimental they were. She has told me about their penis sizes and shapes.
While we were still dating, she used to tell me how her and her most recent ex were often so horny, they "just wanted to screw each others' brains out". How much fun they had, she even had sex with him while she was menstruating.
Of course, while dating them, she kept herself fit, thin and healthy. After we got married, we moved in and while unpacking her stuff for her, I saw some really sexy lingerie - that she wore for the others. She refuses to wear anything like that with me.
About a month after we started dating, she called up her ex and had sex with him - SHE initiated it.
We got married, sex was bad and infrequent. She used to blame me. Years down the line, we now have sex (if I'm lucky), once every 2 months. When we do have sex, she would just lie there and wait for me to get it over with. I've tried everything, reading sex technique books, relationship advice, getting better jobs, doing much housework, kids etc. She's always had, excuses for not wanting sex.
Excuses ranging from (but not limited to) her being tired [but she has enough time to play computer games until 1am], me being dirty, too clean, not enjoying kissing, me not having rhythm, being uncomfortable, sex being messy, her just not liking sex anymore to her past abuse by her brother - you name it!!!
3 nights ago, she said she thinks she has endometriosis. Said her mom had it. Said that since the beginning, sex with me was painful. Said her ex had a much smaller penis than me, that's why she could enjoy it more.
The excuses she has come up with are more creative every day!
I cook, clean (I clean MOST of the house while she plays on her laptop). I have taken a better job with longer hours and more pay, so that she can work half-days. Everything you can suggest from romancing, giving her space, helping [and doing most work] around the house, reading and trying sexual techniques - I have tried them ALL!!
The realisation is basically, her and I will never have sex again. I'm gutted. I'm 33, have a VERY strong sex drive and now this.
I want to support my wife and be there for her. I make NO demands of her, not even sex. I know and realise she obviously hates sex (with me anyway) and after a lifetime of rejection, I cannot ask to be aroused anymore.
I so desperately wanted a fun, passionate, spontaneous sex life with the wife I love. She used to OPENLY (WITHOUT me asking), brag about her exciting sex life before me with various partners and how much fun she had.
For the past 6 or so years, I've regularly asked for us to go to marriage counseling. She isn't interested. She doesn't even read a relationship book we discussed and bought. Not going to doctor either for the supposed endometriosis. She weighs 310lbs now (weighed around 140lbs for her exes).
2 years ago, I asked for a divorce - NOT because of another woman. But because I couldn't take this loveless, one sided marriage anymore. I then repented and decided to work on our relationship. But it feels/seems as if much/most comes from my side. This is AFTER she blatantly told a friend in my presence that she was never in love with me and that I merely filled 3 check box criteria.
I am devastated. I don't know what to do or where to turn. I feel as if she has betrayed her marriage vows. She has explicitly told me to masturbate instead of bothering her for sex.
As for advice; divorce is not an option, neither is stuff like prostitutes or "open relationship".
In order to reduce my libido, I'm considering getting a voluntary chemical or surgical castration. What is the policy for this in the UK? are there natural things I can take that will completely remove my libido? What can I do?
This isn't being a martyr. I made a promise to her and God (yes, I am a Christian - hence divorce not being an option). I need a way for me to get my thoughts AWAY from ANY for of sex or sexuality. But my heart is so broken at the cold rejection...