Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
A little background.
My wife is 49 and "HOT" I am 47 and average. She denies she's hot but can't deny the leers from guys from 17-70. She's a milf and a gilf, which makes the almost total lack of sex that much more frustrating. I'm lucky if we have sex once every couple months. She has come up with every excuse in the book not to have sex. She doesn't turn me down in bed but prefaces it before we ever get there. She will mention her malady of the day, ie sore back, sore shoulders, achy legs, headache, sore throat, stomach ache, headache, painful hair follicles, inflamed cuticles, you get the idea. This way she lets me know not to bother. If she runs out of her own physical ailments she will mention one of mine. "Oh, we don't want to hurt your bad knee.", "That's a pretty bad cough." etc.
I don't get it. I think I'm pretty decent in bed. I believe in the adage- She comes first. And always make sure that happens, usually with what I think is a pretty talented tongue. All the signs are there that she orgasms, unless she is an amazing actress.
The sex pretty much ended around the time my 15 year old daughter was born. About the only time we do it anymore is if she has had a few first. It's pretty demoralizing when you have to get your wife drunk in the hopes of getting laid. I thought I left that back in high school or college. Even anniversaries and Valentines Day don't end in sex.
When I get to bed she usually has her self swaddled in the comforter seemingly so as to protect her from my advances. Our physical activity in bed usually consists of her patting me on the back like a dog and her rolling over and going to sleep.
She got a new job a few weeks ago with fewer hours and much less stress but the same pay. She said that maybe now she will have more energy for other (wink, wink) activities. Hasn't happened yet. Same ole, same ole.
So every few days I have been checking on the amount of lube in the bottle we use and have noticed it going down without me benefitting from it at all. So yesterday, when she was at work, I half jokingly lifted the mattress as if I would find some toys there. Well, imagine my surprise when I found a vibrating, multi-speed egg/bullet there.
So apparently a battery operated device is OK but I am not. I assume she uses this when I work my extra job from 10pm-2am. I imagine her running to the bedroom as soon as I pull out of the driveway to spen some quality time with the magic bullet.
Not sure if I did the right thing or not but I went to Walgreens and bought her a new bottle of lube and a Trojan Triphoria and placed these with her toy. So when she goes for her toy on Friday night she will have a new surprise. I'm very curious what her response will be.
To the women out there... Is a guy that cooks, cleans, works extra jobs to pay the bills, is a great dad and grandpa, doesn't hang out at the bars and sit on his ass at home, NOT what a woman wants nowadays? PLEASE HELP!
Things were bad enough, but now to have been replaced by a machine is almost the tipping point.
The betrayal in this is what really bothers me. She is denying you sex under false pretense. She is telling you that she does not want sex when she really does, just not sex with you. In other words she is lying to you about something that is a core part of your marraige and has been doing it for a very long time. According to the book "His Needs, Her Needs", sex from their wife is the number one need of husbands. Your wife is deliberately not meeting this need.
She may love you, but does not appear romantically in love with you. At best you are a friend, a roommate, a hard working (two jobs) meal ticket, but you are not her lover. Are you in her mind a full fledged husband? Can this be fixed? To both questions, I do not know. One good thing is that the vibrator indicates that she probably has not cheated on you with another man. But what she has done is a form of cheating in that she has cheated you out of something very important and done so through deceit.
You need to sit her down and have an honest talk with her about what she really feels about you. Stay calm and do not yell if you want the truth from her about her feelings. Be prepared for a shot to the gut. Your world as you know it may change forever.
To the women out there... Is a guy that cooks, cleans, works extra jobs to pay the bills, is a great dad and grandpa, doesn't hang out at the bars and sit on his ass at home, NOT what a woman wants nowadays?
I have no idea what women in general might want. I know that list isn't like Carol's. She'd want a man who sees her for who she is ... better and worse .. and loves what he sees. She'd want a man who listens to her when she wants to talk about big things and little. She'd want a man who wraps her up in love and nurturing. I don't cook. I don't clean as much as I should. I'm unemployed. It's unlikely I was a great Dad... or even that good actually.
I'm going to go out on a limb here, and take a rather extreme position, but know that I am coming from experience. I need you to filter my comments through the the fact that you know your wife and situation far better than we can through the tiny keyhole of your words here.
Try's comment is dead on and scared the cr*p out of me for you... "She is telling you that she does not want sex when she really does, just not sex with you. "
The second part of that is "and just WHO DOES she want to have sex with?" My marriage was pretty sexless for many years when suddenly it warmed up. That was in the months just before she pushed (at the threat of Divorce) for an open marriage. What I found out later was that during that period before she laid that on me, she was spending a bunch of time talking with various men online, and even meeting up with some.
I'm not saying your wife is cheating on you... and the 64-thousand dollar question is .."is her interest in sex and getting off something NEW and recent?" If it's not, and she got the vibe because her fingers are getting arthritic, then you're probably fine. But.. if this behavior is new and recent for her.. a sudden spike in wanting orgasms after years of getting only as many as you gave her... then.. that's a big red flag to me. Hormones shifting? maybe... but you said yourself.. she's hot and stands out even among younger women, and that she gets plenty of male attention. Could some male be giving her attention that has gotten her motor revving? You see what is odd is that she doesn't want to share it with you, and in fact was hiding it from you. Why? Is the vibe that much better than you? Even if so you would think after a bit she would want to change it up some and get some real pounding and man handling from the man who she committed to be sexually exclusive with... but she hasn't. If she's getting off, she probably thinking of someone.... (and it sure sounds like we know who it isn't) And gosh, there's is brand new job she has. I hope there aren't any sexy guys there that have noticed how hot she is. No really, i hope not. I just want to point out the coincidence of timing here.
Again, as I was saying, only you can tell if this situation is really out of character for her and if there are red flags.
Now, if there are indeed red flags you see in this, you need to do some sleuthing to find out where she's getting her erotic inspiration from and you must absolutely not let on to her that you are doing it. It's entirely possible that there is no one else floating her boat, and she's just recently gotten addicted to her battery-power friend and her imagination. But if my worst case scenario is true, she will defiantly NOT tell you about it, and would instantly take measures to make sure you don't find out anything else (read up in the CWI forum and you'll see the perils of confronting without solid evidence). If you do think you need to sleuth, then my recommendation would be to take the lube and Trojan back out and not mention or let her find them for now, and set up a hidden VAR or camcorder in your bedroom for next Friday or whenever you think she will be doing it, and find out just what her routine is. If she gets out a phone and has someone on the line (or is chatting on her laptop) while diddling herself, you'll know. and if she just slides under the covers and moans out your name, you'll also know.
I know Try is saying to sit her down and talk to her, but from what I am reading into your situation, your wife is missing some degree respect for you (otherwise she would be taking your sexual needs more seriously - it's clear you have let her know you have those needs.. over and over.. and she's hasn't cared enough to change the status quo in 15 years). Anyway, because of that, I don't think she would shoot straight and honest with you at first. I think there is a high chance she would see it as situation to "be managed" in order to keep you in line and not pestering her for sex. *which you now know she's had an increased interest in).
As Try said "Be prepared for a shot to the gut. Your world as you know it may change forever. ".. this is very true for a variety of different scenarios that you might be in for.
I'm sorry for coming off a bit extreme her, but I think the possibility needs to be considered even if it is going to be quickly dismissed,
So cleay she wants sex. Just not with you. So make it easy for.
Open with: "it is obvious you don't desire me, not so obvious why, how about you enlighten me?
And then shut up and get her to talk. The more you talk about your feelings of resentment and frustration, the more she will shut down. The more relaxed you get her, the more she will spill useful info. But it has to open the door to anything: weight, fitness,hair style. The harder ones may be behavioral.
You should read married man sex life by atholl kay
grandpadadhusband;699279]A little background.
My wife is 49 and "HOT" I am 47 and average. She denies she's hot but can't deny the leers from guys from 17-70. She's a milf and a gilf, which makes the almost total lack of sex that much more frustrating. I'm lucky if we have sex once every couple months. She has come up with every excuse in the book not to have sex. She doesn't turn me down in bed but prefaces it before we ever get there. She will mention her malady of the day, ie sore back, sore shoulders, achy legs, headache, sore throat, stomach ache, headache, painful hair follicles, inflamed cuticles, you get the idea. This way she lets me know not to bother. If she runs out of her own physical ailments she will mention one of mine. "Oh, we don't want to hurt your bad knee.", "That's a pretty bad cough." etc.
I don't get it. I think I'm pretty decent in bed. I believe in the adage- She comes first. And always make sure that happens, usually with what I think is a pretty talented tongue. All the signs are there that she orgasms, unless she is an amazing actress.
The sex pretty much ended around the time my 15 year old daughter was born. About the only time we do it anymore is if she has had a few first. It's pretty demoralizing when you have to get your wife drunk in the hopes of getting laid. I thought I left that back in high school or college. Even anniversaries and Valentines Day don't end in sex.
When I get to bed she usually has her self swaddled in the comforter seemingly so as to protect her from my advances. Our physical activity in bed usually consists of her patting me on the back like a dog and her rolling over and going to sleep.
She got a new job a few weeks ago with fewer hours and much less stress but the same pay. She said that maybe now she will have more energy for other (wink, wink) activities. Hasn't happened yet. Same ole, same ole.
So every few days I have been checking on the amount of lube in the bottle we use and have noticed it going down without me benefitting from it at all. So yesterday, when she was at work, I half jokingly lifted the mattress as if I would find some toys there. Well, imagine my surprise when I found a vibrating, multi-speed egg/bullet there.
So apparently a battery operated device is OK but I am not. I assume she uses this when I work my extra job from 10pm-2am. I imagine her running to the bedroom as soon as I pull out of the driveway to spen some quality time with the magic bullet.
Not sure if I did the right thing or not but I went to Walgreens and bought her a new bottle of lube and a Trojan Triphoria and placed these with her toy. So when she goes for her toy on Friday night she will have a new surprise. I'm very curious what her response will be.
To the women out there... Is a guy that cooks, cleans, works extra jobs to pay the bills, is a great dad and grandpa, doesn't hang out at the bars and sit on his ass at home, NOT what a woman wants nowadays? PLEASE HELP!
Things were bad enough, but now to have been replaced by a machine is almost the tipping point.[/QUOTE] Posted via Mobile Device
To the women out there... Is a guy that cooks, cleans, works extra jobs to pay the bills, is a great dad and grandpa, doesn't hang out at the bars and sit on his ass at home, NOT what a woman wants nowadays?
Hi grand ~
I think that you are looking at this the wrong way here ... concentrate instead of the quality of character involved ...
... are you confident, in yourself and your abilities
... are you capable of showing that confidence to others in the form of not letting other people put you down or constantly deferring to them
... do you have self-respect
... do you have respect for others
... do you not allow others to disrespect you
... do you hold yourself to high standards
... do you hold others to those as well
... do you value yourself
Do you have those kinds of characteristics? Do you show those kind of characteristics?
Somewhere there is a breakdown ... you don't confront your wife face-to-face, you instead pull a passive-aggressive move of leaving a 'surprise' under the mattress.
... you do all of these great things for her, but don't hold her in anyway accountable for the horrible way that she treats you.
And ... women do want those actions that you listed, they just want them with a guy who is willing to stand up for himself and what he feels is right, for a guy who is comfortable and confident in being a man.
Your wife could also have some serious issues that she needs to deal with ... if she's always been a 'hottie' she could actually have little self-esteem if all of her self-worth is tied up into her looks.
It's not all you, it's her too. But, as we like to say here ... clean up your side of the street, see if she'll start to look at cleaning up hers as a result, and then you can see where you stand.
I think that you are looking at this the wrong way here ... concentrate instead of the quality of character involved ...
... are you confident, in yourself and your abilities
... are you capable of showing that confidence to others in the form of not letting other people put you down or constantly deferring to them
... do you have self-respect
... do you have respect for others
... do you not allow others to disrespect you
... do you hold yourself to high standards
... do you hold others to those as well
... do you value yourself
Do you have those kinds of characteristics? Do you show those kind of characteristics?
Somewhere there is a breakdown ... you don't confront your wife face-to-face, you instead pull a passive-aggressive move of leaving a 'surprise' under the mattress.
... you do all of these great things for her, but don't hold her in anyway accountable for the horrible way that she treats you.
And ... women do want those actions that you listed, they just want them with a guy who is willing to stand up for himself and what he feels is right, for a guy who is comfortable and confident in being a man.
Your wife could also have some serious issues that she needs to deal with ... if she's always been a 'hottie' she could actually have little self-esteem if all of her self-worth is tied up into her looks.
It's not all you, it's her too. But, as we like to say here ... clean up your side of the street, see if she'll start to look at cleaning up hers as a result, and then you can see where you stand.
Best wishes.
To add to the above, I suggest reading No More Mr. Nice Guy. I see a lot of passive agressive behavior and covert contracts in your posting. I suspect you do things with the secret expectation that you will be rewarded with sex. That needs to stop.
Tell her to send her buzzy friend out to find employment for itself and if it fails, suggest that she do the same.
The longer you cave into her inattention, the more comfortable she will become with denying you.
The betrayal in this is what really bothers me. She is denying you sex under false pretense. She is telling you that she does not want sex when she really does, just not sex with you. In other words she is lying to you about something that is a core part of your marraige and has been doing it for a very long time. According to the book "His Needs, Her Needs", sex from their wife is the number one need of husbands. Your wife is deliberately not meeting this need.
She may love you, but does not appear romantically in love with you. At best you are a friend, a roommate, a hard working (two jobs) meal ticket, but you are not her lover. Are you in her mind a full fledged husband? Can this be fixed? To both questions, I do not know. One good thing is that the vibrator indicates that she probably has not cheated on you with another man. But what she has done is a form of cheating in that she has cheated you out of something very important and done so through deceit.
You need to sit her down and have an honest talk with her about what she really feels about you. Stay calm and do not yell if you want the truth from her about her feelings. Be prepared for a shot to the gut. Your world as you know it may change forever.
There is not much I can add to this. It's pretty spot on.
I don't understand, and will never understand, a woman who chooses a sex toy over her man.
There is not much I can add to this. It's pretty spot on.
I don't understand, and will never understand, a woman who chooses a sex toy over her man.
It's the same as if someone choose porn over their spouse, or masturbation, etc... Anytime someone makes a habit of self-satisfying (however that's done), at the expense of their spouse it's both selfish and cruel.
Her hotness making the total lack of sex much more frustating does it or did it result in grustating enough to find out why your partner doesn't want to have sex with you? Or frustating enough to insist your partner accomodate your sexual needs?
Her orgasms don't automatically indicate she enjoyed the sex or desires you. Women can enjoy and desire sex without orgasms and women can orgasm through rape that doesn't necessarily mean they enjoyed the sex or desire their rapist.
If you don't get why her orgasming hasn't lead to more sex a married woman I know once said 'It doesn't matter how good he is in bed if I don't want to be there with him'
* Yes the he is her husband *
The avoiding sex with you and making excuses to me would have been clear indicators that the orgasms aren't worth it to have to drudge herself to sleep with you.
Perhaps the 'less stress and more energy for sex' hasn't happened yet because it's not about fewer hours or less stress but that she doesn't want to have sex with you as she doesn't desire you.
As for what her response will be to you replacing her toy with lube/trojan probably the same as many men's responses to repeated nagging.
Quote:
Originally Posted by grandpadadhusband
It's pretty demoralizing when you have to get your wife drunk in the hopes of getting laid.
Did you find it pretty demoralizing enough to ask your wife why your only hopes of having sex with her is drunk?
Quote:
Originally Posted by grandpadadhusband
Even anniversaries and Valentines Day don't end in sex.
It seems that you're not concerned as to why she doesn't want sex with you and seeing whether it can be fixed or not just that she does.
Quote:
Originally Posted by grandpadadhusband
So apparently a battery operated device is OK but I am not.
Yes perhaps because she still desires sex just not with you.
The extra lube as a surprise is a great idea imo... it lets her know your aware of her little toy... and aren't to bothered by it.. Sure you could jump to the conclusion that perhaps she isn't wanting sex with you because she is thinking about someone else... but that may not be the case at all. I don't think you should have to get her drunk... but i think to keep suprising her about your discovery would be a good idea... perhaps when you two are drinking stop her when she is tipsy.. but not outright drunk.. That way she is loose and fully aware... but more at ease.. and suggest perhaps... using the toy on her? The toy doesn't have to be a bad thing... it could be something to spice up the bedroom life...
The extra lube as a surprise is a great idea imo... it lets her know your aware of her little toy... and aren't to bothered by it.. Sure you could jump to the conclusion that perhaps she isn't wanting sex with you because she is thinking about someone else... but that may not be the case at all. I don't think you should have to get her drunk... but i think to keep suprising her about your discovery would be a good idea... perhaps when you two are drinking stop her when she is tipsy.. but not outright drunk.. That way she is loose and fully aware... but more at ease.. and suggest perhaps... using the toy on her? The toy doesn't have to be a bad thing... it could be something to spice up the bedroom life...
8Likes
No sex. Wife has new battery operated friend. 
