Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
When my wife and I first started out as a couple (each of us once divorced) our sex life was calm: a frequency of once or twice a week, and nothing other than straight intercourse. This continued until our first child came and because of health factors her Doctor changed her birth control.
She experienced the rarest of reactions to this, and lost all desire for any intimacy. Quite literally - she did not want to be touched at all. Sex wasn’t even an option. She remained on this routine for ten years. So… we didn’t have sex for ten years. The lack of sex didn’t bother as much as the loss of intimacy, but I dealt with it, and I did not step out.
Last spring the Doc changed her birth control again. Three months after she was off the old, her physical desires returned with vigor. These feelings of hers were so strong that she began asking things of me that I had never heard of before. Suddenly she’s confessing all these ‘activities’ that she used to engage in before we ever met, and now she’s suggesting that I do these 'things' with/to her.
Now… ahem… slow down just a second.
I just spent a decade turning my body to the off position and now she wants it flipped over to on – right now! Well, that just didn’t happen. My 52 year old body did not react or work like it did ten years ago when we were having our semi-weekly vanilla sex. -Let alone trying out any of these new-to-me suggestions- To be perfectly honest, I’m still shocked at the things she’s asking to do. I’ve never had anyone ask for any of this, nor have I ever been interested in any of it at all. I’m somewhat horrified.
So we talked about all of this, and we spoke a lot because I had huge trouble understanding half of what she was talking about, and I’m still very, very, uncomfortable with trying any of the things she’s asking me to do. She said “You can ask me anything.” but the more I inquired, the quieter she got… and soon she began refusing to answer questions. So I’ve just stopped asking them.
None of this communicating changed anything. I still have absolutely no desire or interest what-so-ever in these new things, and what’s worse… is our ‘normal’ (to us) sex has become more physically difficult for me to be ‘excited’ about.
Suggestions? Because I don’t see this playing out well. Either I continue to not be interested in these new things, and she remains unfulfilled, or: I do things I do not want to do, and she is satisfied; or I just pack up and go. Yet none of these seem to be a working solution?
Damned birth control strikes again.....
Happened to me too but only bad for 2-3 years and now awesome for last 3+ years.
Hubby was only 35 at time and more than willing to keep up with anything I can't think up, and do it twice just to be sure we got it right
I am not sure what advice to give you in the way of her "special requests" but I will tell you that she has had a sudden realization of all the good years of sex she has missed out on and is trying to make up for it. I think the "kinky" stuff will fade, but her drive will remain high as mine did.
I know at first with my husband it was a little physically taxing since it truely is like starting a new fitness routine. He went from "expending himself" once every 6 weeks to 6x per week with requests of 2x in a row some weekends. (which btw took about a year for him to be able to do again, used to be able when we were first married, but kinda fell out of practice) lol
Good luck and be patient, I sympathize with her and commend you for reaching out to support her needs.
If you can compromise the renewed intimacy is priceless.
I am not sure what advice to give you in the way of her "special requests" but I will tell you that she has had a sudden realization of all the good years of sex she has missed out on and is trying to make up for it. I think the "kinky" stuff will fade, but her drive will remain high as mine did.
I'm trying to reach out!! But I'm wondering if all these 'new requests' are making me turn tail and run. She asked "Didn't you ever experiment?" and um... No. I've never had any need/want for any experimentation?
It isn't necessarily 'kinky' stuff. She asked about receiving oral from me. This isn't something I want to do. It's not something I have ever wanted to do and I have never asked for it for myself. I -personally- have no interest at all and find the idea a huge turn-off. I did try it once, when I was 19? and had a horrible experience. I've been told that oral is 'normal' as are perhaps a few other things, but if I believe that - then I have to admit that I'm not at all normal. =( and this may be the case.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tall Average Guy
Sounds like some resentment on your part. You need to figure out how you can let some of that go.
I've thought a lot about this, wondering what it might be that I am resentful of... if anything? and I can't figure it out. If there is anything, I'm not very comfortable in the fact that I'm just now hearing about all this after 18 years... but I rationally know that it doesn't change who she is at all, or how I feel.
I'm trying to reach out!! But I'm wondering if all these 'new requests' are making me turn tail and run. She asked "Didn't you ever experiment?" and um... No. I've never had any need/want for any experimentation?
It isn't necessarily 'kinky' stuff. She asked about receiving oral from me. This isn't something I want to do. It's not something I have ever wanted to do and I have never asked for it for myself. I -personally- have no interest at all and find the idea a huge turn-off. I did try it once, when I was 19? and had a horrible experience. I've been told that oral is 'normal' as are perhaps a few other things, but if I believe that - then I have to admit that I'm not at all normal. =( and this may be the case.
I had a terrible steak at a restuarant one time. Does that mean that all steak is awful, or that I am not normal?
One bad experience is just that - one bad experience. Your wife is reaching out to you to try things together and improve your bond. You can sit there, refusing to compromise and reject her, or you can work with her to figure out what works for the two of you.
I've thought a lot about this, wondering what it might be that I am resentful of... if anything? and I can't figure it out. If there is anything, I'm not very comfortable in the fact that I'm just now hearing about all this after 18 years... but I rationally know that it doesn't change who she is at all, or how I feel.
I am just throwing this out there, but may be it is because she rejected you for ten years, thereby destroying your sex drive. No matter how nicely put, I can't imagine that was easy to take (let alone the loss of intimacy).
Now, you are expected to just turn it on because she now wants you to. You mean to tell me you are not the slightest bit resentful that she decides when you can have sex and when you can't and that it is solely on her schedule?
sounds like the things she is ask for are things she has done before you guys married. and maybe part of her shutting down for all those years was your sexual hang ups.
If i were you I would try to use this new found interest and honesty to become closer with your wife and share some true intamacy.
start off slow. have you been masterbating all thease year? do you have any sex drive at all. tell her your just so suprised that it will take time for you to get reved up again. Try keeping an open mind about the things she is sugesting. oral,anal,or whatever try it with an open mind read up on human sexuality.
maybe see a sex therapist. But if I were you I'd be jumping for joy you could have quite an adventure ahead of you if you willing to open up.
Pathetic...... 10 years no intimacy whatsoever and all because of BC pills? Are you that naive? You never talked about it or 10 friggin years!!!!!! And now oh my god she wants oral and you're disgusted????? So sorry but that's not vanilla, that's tofu (or gelatin).... Grow a pair or prepare for her to find it elsewhere.....
*except for maybe that one^ n/m - ignore list! Yes!*
Let me make one thing very clear. The drugs altered her sexual desire. Shut them down cold. I had nothing to do with it!! It's a documented and known side-affect in less than 5% of the women who that use that particular method of birth control.
*and no, I won't mention which one here in public!*
It's a difficult road I find myself on. On one hand yes, I want her to be happy, on the other she's asking for things I not comfortable with. I know it has to do with this resurgence of desire from being off that drug.
And, I'm fairly certain that no one here really believes that a person should be pressured into doing sex things that they do not want to do and are not comfortable doing.
There are all kinds of different people in the world - and I'm one of them. I'm not right, I'm not wrong, I'm just different and I can accept that. But I need to sleep with me at night, as much as I'd like to sleep with her. =)
If the birth control pills completely killed her sex drive I'm having trouble understanding why she was even on them? No sex is the most effective birth control there is.
As to her requests, oral is a completely normal sex practice. What other request does she have that you find uncomfortable?
If the birth control pills completely killed her sex drive I'm having trouble understanding why she was even on them? No sex is the most effective birth control there is.
It wasn't the pill! She wasn't allowed to return to the pill because of her age and other factors. All I will say is that it might have been administered twice a year...
Quote:
Originally Posted by sandc
As to her requests, oral is a completely normal sex practice. What other request does she have that you find uncomfortable?
There was oral, anal, and 'restrictions' and I had to research anal because I'd never heard of such a thing. Restrictions are very difficult for me, because I do not enjoy seeing anyone that way, but given that list, it's the least offensive to me and I can -with some emotional discomfort- manage it.
There was oral, anal, and 'restrictions' and I had to research anal because I'd never heard of such a thing. Restrictions are very difficult for me, because I do not enjoy seeing anyone that way, but given that list, it's the least offensive to me and I can -with some emotional discomfort- manage it.
I can't speak to anal or 'restrictions', but as for oral I'd say give it some time. I liked it in theory, but it took me a while to really get into the swing of it in practice. Important thing is to relax and have fun watching/feeling her respond to you. The more relaxed and fun you have with oral sex, the more she'll enjoy it. Don't be afraid to keep caressing her while you learn, I know my wife likes multiple sources of stimulation at the same time.
As for your situation overall, sounds like there's just a ton to get used to. It might help too, when trying something new, to visualize it in your mind before hand. That way you might get over some of the shock value for new things before you're with her.
Sounds like you are already researching things on the web, which is really important. You might find some tips/tricks on these very forums, which might help you go in with some confidence as well.
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Sexually Incompatible after 18 years? 
