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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Sex in Marriage » sex twice a month if i am lucky

Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

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Old 04-25-2012, 08:45 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: sex twice a month if i am lucky

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Originally Posted by Cupcake37 View Post
I know what you mean about nothing changes. I feel as if things slowly improve then quite quickly slip back to normal.
Folks, everyone seems to be missing the point that this isn't about sex, it is about dysfunctional relationships.

Keep focusing on the sex and nothing will improve.

Fix yourselves, put up proper boundaries and you will have something - if there is something in your relationship to have. Otherwise, you will feel fine moving on and developing a healthy relationship with a new person.
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Old 04-25-2012, 08:46 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Default Re: sex twice a month if i am lucky

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...when we do have sex i would say 60% of the time it is a major chore for her, i am not allowed to initiate sex as she covers up and stops me and immediately goes to sleep, i have to wait for her to start it ...it is always on her terms,
After I read and re-read your post, the key terms to me seem to be that you are not allowed to initiate and that it's always on her terms.

This to me, seems a one-sided situation that you need to very gently and lovingly explore. A relationship by all terms should be a partnership, not a dictatorship. If satisfying these physical urges are that important, this is where I would begin a discussion that is goal oriented.
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Old 04-25-2012, 08:49 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Default Re: sex twice a month if i am lucky

have you told your wife everything that you have written here? Really tell her how it makes you feel? I was in a sexless marriage for many years (we are talking years without sex) It finally came to a head about 6 months ago and laying it all out to my husband has made a world of difference. We went from sexless to WOW! I think communicating how I truly felt and how hurt I was and the damaging it was doing made the difference for us. I was always afraid of hurting my husband who I love dearly and have been married to for 18 years.

Maybe your wife will be like me. After 40 my sex drive started to really get going (which made it doubly hard being sexless) but I'm really enjoying it now!
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Old 04-25-2012, 08:50 AM   #19 (permalink)
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Default Re: sex twice a month if i am lucky

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Originally Posted by jeepgal View Post
Why do men want to leave when the sex starts to slow down? Twice a month with your wife, with whom you have made vows to love honor through good and bad, or divorce her and be single and only have sex sporadically throughout the year when you're lucky enough to get a date?
the same reason many women leave when their emotional needs arn't being met!


as a single man I had far more sex than a married man.not all women are sexuall repressed.
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Old 04-25-2012, 08:51 AM   #20 (permalink)
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Default Re: sex twice a month if i am lucky

thanks for all your comments, i have asked for it a few more times and told her that i am not happy but like you say nothing ever changes, also having sex with someone who does not is not good sex, it might sound a bit wimpy but the emotional side of her rejecting me is also destroying my confidence.
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Old 04-25-2012, 08:55 AM   #21 (permalink)
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Default Re: sex twice a month if i am lucky

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one of the problems is that my wife does not come any where near me any other time, we had a great sex life a number of years ago, i have also asked her to go to counceling but the answer was "not in her lifetime", other than our sexlife we are very happy together
Hi pjp ~

Have you ever considered to just go on your own to counseling - maybe to explore why you think it's okay to have to put a bushel basket over your sexuality in deference to hers?

It sounds like there are any number of issues going on ... perhaps inhibitions and resentments on her side ... perhaps some libido-busting behaviours (e.g., repeatedly asking is often a huge turn-off to women) that need to be worked on your side.

But, you can start with yourself. Work on the issues that you know that you have, on the things that you know that you can improve. If you've gained some weight, then start a plan to lose it. If you've lost touch with some parts of yourself over the years, consider ways that you can get some of that back. Build up confidence in yourself, and your wife may start to take notice.

Best wishes.
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Old 04-25-2012, 09:01 AM   #22 (permalink)
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Default Re: sex twice a month if i am lucky

i dont have to ask her for sex as if i touch her in any way i either get a look or she makes it plain to me its a no go, everyone we know think we have the perfect marraige
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Old 04-25-2012, 09:12 AM   #23 (permalink)
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Default Re: sex twice a month if i am lucky

pjp I don't have any words of wisdom but I'll be following your posts closely as I could be your wife. We have been fighting this for 10 years and are now seriously examining if we have anything else to try or if we should just let it go. I wish I had something to tell you but I don't.

In my case, I love my husband but have my own hangups about sex that cause me to not like being touched. I hate seeing what it does to him.
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Old 04-25-2012, 09:19 AM   #24 (permalink)
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i dont doubt it can be upsetting for both husband and wife but according to my wife she has no problems with sex or inibitions, if my wife had any problems i would support her every way i could and would even say we didnt have to have sex at all,
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Old 04-25-2012, 09:24 AM   #25 (permalink)
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Default Re: sex twice a month if i am lucky

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Originally Posted by jeepgal View Post
Why do men want to leave when the sex starts to slow down? Twice a month with your wife, with whom you have made vows to love honor through good and bad, or divorce her and be single and only have sex sporadically throughout the year when you're lucky enough to get a date?
That's not a fair way to approach it at all. If you make a vow of marriage it's also a vow to keep your partner sexually satisfied. You shouldn't marry someone to trap them into celibacy or near celibacy. The reason men talk about leaving is because sexual frustration and being a refused spouse are both very painful and not what they bargained for when they entered into a marriage.

It's also not fair to refuse a spouse sex because you're angry about something. That's manipulative and cruel.
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Old 04-25-2012, 09:27 AM   #26 (permalink)
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Default Re: sex twice a month if i am lucky

Jeep,

Just for comparison purposes, how mant times a month would you say that you and your husband are intimate?

I understand that at times you don't want to be intimate with him for the stated reasons but what about a time period where you weren't pis*ed off too much?
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Old 04-25-2012, 09:30 AM   #27 (permalink)
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Default Re: sex twice a month if i am lucky

pjp,

You obviously need to stop what you're doing now. It's not working. Talking to your wife obviously doesn't help either. She will give you enough sex to shut you up, and then slip right back into her preferred schedule.

The best, and slowest option, is to improve yourself in order to attract her. That means a long-term personality change for you. You need to do some serious self-examination and figure out what your wife likes about you and what she doesn't. And don't ask your wife. If she's polite, she won't tell you what she doesn't like. And there's a good chance that she honestly doesn't know what she likes and doesn't. Go by her actions. Was there a time when she jumped your bones? What did you do to bring that on? Any times she seemed particularly turned off? What did you do?

As a general rule, I bet you're too passive and too beta. You need to ramp up your alpha qualities and be more assertive. That will take weeks, months, perhaps even a couple of years. But that's the best way to get your wife sexually interested in you. Or, worst case scenario, some other woman interested in you.

The faster way is to stop meeting your wife's needs. If you're going above and beyond so that she is happy. But, she's not willing to make you happy, then stop making her happy. And be upfront about it. If she asks why you've stopped meeting her needs, tell her you're not willing to put more effort into the marriage than she is anymore. You want a balanced marriage where each partner contributes equally to meeting the other's needs. And your primary need is sex. If that's your choice, run the 180.

Good luck.

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Old 04-25-2012, 09:38 AM   #28 (permalink)
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Default Re: sex twice a month if i am lucky

pjp

You need to ask yourself if this is what you want for the rest of your life.

I know you have a kid or two but at some point you need to decide if this is really living

As I've said before, I am somewhat in your shows except that our love life averages a little under 1x a week. We done the reading, seen a counselor, filled out the worksheets and things got better.....for a while.

Right now is her busy season so I'm putting the last talk off until sometime in June. During that time I'm going to tell her that if she doesn't make a consistent effort from that point forward, I'm done.

The sad part of it is that other than this, I truly think she's almost perfect. I just oftebn feel that I am not the first priority in her emotional life (but she'd argue the point that she irons for me, makes healthy meals etc. which is true, but so did my mother!)

Nice guy/doormat hasn't worked for you. Time to stop that and go strong. Start going out with friends and having a good time. Be mysterious about who and where. make her realize that life will go along without her

Last but not least, I think you may need to use the D word. However, don't use this threat unless you've come to the point where you will actually go down this path if things don't change. If you use this threat and things get better for a while and then backslide and you don't start proceedings, you've lost your power base. Remember, you can always file for divorce and then stop it at any point!

So what's it going to be? Another 2 years of wankering off in the shower or growing a pair?
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Old 04-25-2012, 10:18 AM   #29 (permalink)
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Default Re: sex twice a month if i am lucky

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The faster way is to stop meeting your wife's needs. If you're going above and beyond so that she is happy. But, she's not willing to make you happy, then stop making her happy. And be upfront about it. If she asks why you've stopped meeting her needs, tell her you're not willing to put more effort into the marriage than she is anymore. You want a balanced marriage where each partner contributes equally to meeting the other's needs. And your primary need is sex. If that's your choice, run the 180.

Good luck.

The Healing Heart: The 180
I agree with this, though I would not use the 180 so much as turning down the thermostat. Take care of yourself, be polite and nice, but get some distance. work on yourslef, have some fun, go work out, hang with your friends. Do less for her. If she asks why you are so distant, calmly explain that because she is not interested in meeting your needs, you have to do it now and have less time to focus on her. Don't be mean or snarky, but you do need to perfectly clear that this a result of her not investing in you and the marriage.

You need to align your actions with your words. To give you a personal example, I like to eat pork for dinner. I order it when we go out to eat, I mention it all the time as a meal suggestion, and those few times I cook, pork is usually part of the meal. My wife, on the other hand hates it. Despite knowing my preference on this, we rarely have it. Why? Because despite my talk, it is not that big of a deal. My actions toward her remain the same, and my wife follows my actions as opposed to my words. Now, if it were an issue that is a big deal, I would align my actions and my words.

On a side note, many women instinctively do this with sex. If they are upset or their man is not meeting their needs, sex dries up. A woman may still have sex, but they won't initiate, they will put it off, and they won't be as excited when they do have it. These women are communicating that there is a problem through their actions.
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Old 04-25-2012, 10:34 AM   #30 (permalink)
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thanks there are some very good points there, maybe i have been pampering to her needs all our marraige, not maybe i know i have, i think i need to grow some balls and a backbone, the only problem with that is the worst i ever get is slightly sarcastic, it would be hard to be like that after 20 years of being quite soft.
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