Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
thanks for everyones input, i have tried to talk to my wife again, it did not go well, she says i am making far too much of it, wont even consider any sort of therapy
If you're still talking, then you haven't learned anything. Spend some time studying the resources that we have recommended. Then start acting. Acting is the only way you will change your wife's opinion of you.
No man, in the history of the world, has ever debated his way into a woman's bed. Your wife isn't sexually attracted to you. In order to get her to want to sleep with you, you have to change yourself so that she finds you sexually attractive.
thanks for everyones input, i have tried to talk to my wife again, it did not go well, she says i am making far too much of it, wont even consider any sort of therapy
Hi pjp ~
I think that the cold hard reality is that these situations are not primarily helped by just talking ... you cannot talk her in to changing...you cannot talk her into feeling desire.
You need to follow up the talking with some kind of action. You've been given some good advice previously on the kinds of actions that you can try.
Don't sit around and wait for her to change...because she likely won't change unless she absolutely has to. Instead, take some action and start to work on yourself in areas that you need to improve (even considering going to counseling on your own if need be). You won't be sorry that you did.
i dont know what to do next even with all the good advice, i thought when i got married it was for the rest of my life, i am so gutted and dissapointed i really dont know what to do, i know when we go to bed tonight i am not going to let her lay her head on my chest so she can go to sleep, she is going to get a cold shoulder and thats it, like you say the time for talking is done, i will try to grow some proper balls, wish me luck i think i will need it!
Your next step should be to read. Start reading No More Mister Nice Guy, Hold On to Your Nuts, and Married Man Sex Life. Take the lessons to heart and start to act accordingly.
The dry spells tend to be my idea as well as the busy months. I honestly think it has to do with my hormone levels fluctuating like someone mentioned above. And it would kill me if my husband decided to leave me based on that alone. After reading this forum over the past few days, I will say I think I have been naive to how important sex on a regular basis is.
Jeep - it is awesome that you would say that - that you can be open minded and realize that people interpret things differently and people's needs are different.
i dont know what to do next even with all the good advice, i thought when i got married it was for the rest of my life, i am so gutted and dissapointed i really dont know what to do, i know when we go to bed tonight i am not going to let her lay her head on my chest so she can go to sleep, she is going to get a cold shoulder and thats it, like you say the time for talking is done, i will try to grow some proper balls, wish me luck i think i will need it!
pjp - I am in the same boat. Do not know what the solution is. But acting bitter and resentful won't help (e.g., not letting her sleep on your chest - for me it's my shoulder). Try going to bed later than her, and just watch a ball game or read. Do something alone, say "I just feel like doing this, I'll be in when I am done". Don't be bitter, it isn't good for you.
My focus right now is accepting what I have and trying to be happy for everything else in my life. Being an independent happy person. The more independent I am, the happier I am, the easier it will be to tell her to get lost if it comes to it - she'll be shocked, she's happy with her life.
i dont know what to do next even with all the good advice, i thought when i got married it was for the rest of my life, i am so gutted and dissapointed i really dont know what to do, i know when we go to bed tonight i am not going to let her lay her head on my chest so she can go to sleep, she is going to get a cold shoulder and thats it, like you say the time for talking is done, i will try to grow some proper balls, wish me luck i think i will need it!
So much good advice in this thread!! Adding to that, I would encourage you to start your focus on the problem that is very basic, and fundamental, and go from there. Your wife, the woman you have committed the rest of your life to, will not even allow you to kiss her with a real kiss. This is simply staggering, in my opinion. When you are dealing with the complex issue of the sexual relationship, breaking it down to one of the core problems around intimacy, like not kissing, touching intimately, etc, gives you an area that you can begin with her mindset change. If she changes her skewed belief on basic intimacy, you have an opening to real change.
But, you have to be confident in your belief that basic intimacy is so obviously necessary in a marriage that your wife is being rediculously absurd in trying to convey that the two of you have a good marriage. Sorry, you two have an agreement among two friends, where you fulfill her biological urge twice a month to give her a fix. Not a marriage. Why even cater to her childish attempt to pretend that you have this ideal marriage?
With 100% confidence that intimacy is a foundational necessity in marriage, you can begin to work to become the man you envision yourself to be in the future - a man who is happy, confident, and part of a great marriage. If you begin to do the basics suggested here, like getting in shape, exploring new interests, and living a life outside the home that shows that you are arriving at this goal, it will become more obvious to your wife that she needs to join this new vision, or risk being severed from it. Just my opinion. Focus on these positives that you can do within yourself. Never pretend that the marriage is better than it is. You can do this while still being positive, and avoiding passive aggressive behaviors.
If I ever get divorced and remarried there will be no vow to forsake all others. The most I'd be willing to give the next time around is a right of first refusal.
i have had another talk with my wife and she is quite happy for us to have a marraige without sex and as far as she is concerned there is nothing more to be said or done on the subject, to top it all its my birthday today and all of her family are coming round ( about 15 of them), i hate to say it but i do not feel like greeting her family with a smile and pretending i am a happy jolly person as i am not either of them at the moment,
i have had another talk with my wife and she is quite happy for us to have a marraige without sex and as far as she is concerned there is nothing more to be said or done on the subject, to top it all its my birthday today and all of her family are coming round ( about 15 of them), i hate to say it but i do not feel like greeting her family with a smile and pretending i am a happy jolly person as i am not either of them at the moment,
Happy Birthday PJP - mine too. Us Tauri are good eggs but sometimes we are bulls in a china shop!
Now, you did not respond to either of my original comments while everyone went off on tactics to fix this problem. For convenience, I reposted my second comment below (with a bold for emphasis - I am a Taurus after all).
Quote:
Originally Posted by FormerNiceGuy
Folks, everyone seems to be missing the point that this isn't about sex, it is about dysfunctional relationships.
Keep focusing on the sex and nothing will improve.
Fix yourselves, put up proper boundaries and you will have something - if there is something in your relationship to have. Otherwise, you will feel fine moving on and developing a healthy relationship with a new person.
Understanding this is the best birthday gift in the world.
i have had another talk with my wife and she is quite happy for us to have a marraige without sex and as far as she is concerned there is nothing more to be said or done on the subject, to top it all its my birthday today and all of her family are coming round ( about 15 of them), i hate to say it but i do not feel like greeting her family with a smile and pretending i am a happy jolly person as i am not either of them at the moment,
When will men learn (it took me a long time to)
Stop talking about it, don't even mention it to her, it's pointless she does not think it's a problem (and to her it's not) The only thing I would say to her is something I think MEM posted in the clubhouse quoting someone else "Your Sex life might be over but mine certainley is not" and leave it at that
I am in a similar position, but further along the path, turn the thermostat right down, if your not physically fit start working out, work on yourself start to become the best you can be, the ice soon starts to melt when they realise what is happening! It's no quick fix it requires patience.
Also visit the No more Mrs Nice Guy Forum as well! Some great stuff on there
I am in a similar position, but further along the path, turn the thermostat right down, if your not physically fit start working out, work on yourself start to become the best you can be, the ice soon starts to melt when they realise what is happening! It's no quick fix it requires patience.
'
+1 on Bluemoon1's comment with a caveat.
There is one acceptable reason to fix yourself and one only - for you. Everything else is outside of your control. Focus on you.
all of my wifes relatives are here, i am really having a problem with being this happy chappy that i am supposed to be, having to smile and joke with everyone when inside i am so very gutted and upset at the situation underneath, i think i am going to struggle big time with this no sex, intimacy and her complete lack of desire, i will focus on myself and my two daughters but evertime i look at my wife her attitude is allways there, i think if the atmosphere continues it is going to affect our daughters,
all of my wifes relatives are here, i am really having a problem with being this happy chappy that i am supposed to be, having to smile and joke with everyone when inside i am so very gutted and upset at the situation underneath, i think i am going to struggle big time with this no sex, intimacy and her complete lack of desire, i will focus on myself and my two daughters but evertime i look at my wife her attitude is allways there, i think if the atmosphere continues it is going to affect our daughters,
It's quite hard at first, but what alternative do you have? You have tried everything else, the things that well meaning (mostly women) tell you to do (Talk about it etc).
A great thing I learnt on here and other forums was that when a partner rejects the other, it is just the same as cheating, it's a betrayal of the other partner!
Your wife, my wife and thousands more have betrayed us, it did not help that we made matters worse, by doing things we thought would work being nice, doing covert deals, creeping about so as not to upset them just in case, passive aggression when I look back at the things I used to do I cringe.
The whole thing might come crashing down on you, but do you want to go on living like this?
My relationship with my wife is getting better (although she is confused) and the signs so far are very good, but more importantly I feel much better about myself, I have reclaimed my dignity and independence and that is a great feeling, and if at the end of this she still does not want me so be it, there are plenty of fish in the sea
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Re: sex twice a month if i am lucky 
