Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
I had an AFF account for years. It's how I met my Husband. I actually went on there to get this, meet adult FRIENDS. Not one night stands. oops.
Well I checked my account recently and noticed I had like 200 replies. I have put on my profile that I am in a relationship, and that I'm only looking for Friends, NOT SEX.
Once I weeded out all the 'hey baby lets F**k' messages, there were several there that might turn into actual friends or even good business contacts.
This account is not hidden from Hubby and he has my log in and password and checks it regularly. I dont feel i have anything to hide from him.
There are enough posts to would be suitors out there stating look, you are cute and all but i'm in love with my husband to make him feel secure.
However. I've been invited to a buisness meeting where one of these people will be in attendence. He wants to talk about starting a joint venture. Fine and dandy with me, I like business.
But he wants to meet at a cafe before the meeting (I mentioned I wanted to talk to him privately before the general meeting to get a feel of where this JV might go) and he picked an 8pm cafe and said he would be there at the table with a yellow rose.
Oh for heavens sake. I wrote him back to make sure he didn't have designs on my old ugly butt and to let him know i'm not in this for anything personal. He said that was fine.
Hubby says he doesn't care (typical hubby) but I feel weird about it.
To make matters worse, there are about 50 guys on there that would be happy to date me that are gorgeous, rich, successful, single etc.
I didn't realize how much I missed getting compliments from my husband till i went on that site and was literally bombarded with all sorts of really thoughtful, intelligent compliments.
Well, long and short of it is - if hubby does what I think he's gonna do at Spring war the weekend of the 20th - (he's claiming to be bringing something called the panty-dropper, and will be drinking tequila which he ONLY does when he's on a '**** fest' nuff said) I may just look up one of these guys.
Snix, I'm confused why you started one thread about getting "Marriage Fitness" to work on your marriage then this thread in which it seems like you're heading in the opposite direction?
AFF is not a friendly social networking site - it is pretty much strictly for people looking to meet sex partners. It's pretty clear about that. I doubt you'll meet many good natured people who are interested in a platonic relationship with you there.
It might benefit your marriage to commit to it and cancel accounts such as these.
My husband has accounts on AFF, Myspace, facebook, Meetsingles now, Redhead this and that etc. Some he lists himself as single and looking for a short young redhead. Some he lists himself as in a relationship. Other than a few times when I brought it up and we argued bitterly about it, we don't talk about his internet use. He says he isn't looking for anyone. He says that I shouldn't be jealous, that jealousy is a sick emotion and I'm sick for feeling it.
He has always encouraged me to do the same but I didn't feel right about it. He knows about the account and everybody I talk to - I don't keep it a secret from him. He occasionally goes on there to see who i'm talking to and what is said. I don't hide my use from him.
Honestly if I didn't talk to SOMEBODY that was nice to me during the day my depression would be complete and I would be a basket case.
It literally makes my day to open my inbox and see that SOMEBODY anybody finds me desirable, funny, cute, smart etc. I might get 100 replies a day. Most of them are stupid - but about 10 of them are thoughtful and kind. Of those 10, I might reply to 1 in 100 over a period of a few months. My husband thinks this is silly, that I should reply to everybody. I tell him I don't want them, that I'm not looking for a relationship - that I just need somebody to tell me i'm pretty, cute, etc.
When I chat with anyone, I always talk about my husband. I tell the person how much I'm in love with him but that I need people to talk to because he doesn't fulfill some of my needs (true) My husband knows about all this. The ones just out for sex (even if they start out talking business) and have ulterior motives soon tire of me because if the conversation turns personal I talk about my husband and how much i'm in love with him. Those ppl either fade away or get with the program and we talk business.
Husband doesn't and won't tell me he wants me (in any capacity) tell me he needs me, tell me I'm pretty or smart or beautiful or anything. He thinks I'm stupid for wanting that sort of thing. He says he is sorry that I need it. He says that he is sorry that he can't tell me those things.
He flirts with his female friends all the time. Up to an including tell them 'he thinks his heart just stopped' when he finds out they are redheads. He has NO problem telling them they are cute, funny, beautiful, sexy etc. He doesn't say HE wants to have sex with them specifially, but he def flirts. He looks up but doesn't reply to every classmates, yahoo personals etc ad he gets. He's going to his "spring war" event the weekend of March 20 where he is planning on bringing his special penis shaped water gun, role playing, bringing his 'famous' panty dropper drink etc. he has already said he's gong to get drunk and whatever - And i'm specifically NOT invited to come this year. He mentioned in counseling that he hasn't gone to his (all male) events because I don't approve of them. This is not true. I don't mind him going to these events, or any events, I just want to come too! There are plenty of couples that go every year.
He says that he doesn't feel right 'letting go' if the kids are there. I can get a baby sitter for that weekend. He still doesn't want me to go. He asks me 'oh honey, is it ok if I go and have just a little bit of fun? I need this' and he is so sweet and begging me to go.
If I mention I'm worried about him 'hooking up' while he's there he just brings up how stupid and sick I am to be jealous. He says that the people he talks to are just friends and I should drop it before we get into a big fight again. I got sick of hearing that so I dropped it.
I have met several ppl from aff over the years, including my husband! but the other ppl I meet are all long distance mentors in business or just business contacts.
I know it's a 'hook up site' and I ignore those ppl. But there are good ppl there too. If I could find a site with as many ppl that I could just meet business contacts with, I'd join that in a heartbeat. But I haven't found one yet.
As it is, when I'm feeling totally ugly, worthless and less than a human, I turn to my inbox for reassurance. Yes, i'm sure that paints me as a stupid weak person. But it keeps me from crying all day.
Anyway, I have a meeting this afternoon with a business contact from there. We are going to talk about several things. He knows about my husband and my family. He's got a girlfriend whom he loves dearly and we are not in this for 'personal' reasons.
But he makes me smile (what good business person doesn't?) and we laugh alot even in the few times we have spoken on the phone. I think this will be a good business contact.
I asked my husband if he wanted to sit in on the meeting. He said he would rather stay home and watch a new episode of lost. Ok, his choice. When my husband got his new 'real' job he dropped helping me in either of the businesses and doesn't want anything more to do with them.
It's unfortunate that his "real" job is costing us more than we are making. I am in effect PAYING him to go to work. I tried to say something about it and he ignored me. oh well.
I'm sorry snix, that you're feeling that way
But to be honest, I can't blame you..
I have read many of your posts, and it seems to me like this man does whatever he wants. I mean having all those accounts? Redheads.com? Listing himself as single.
he is looking, don't let him say he's not, if he wasn't , he wouldn't have those accounts. Even if it's not for sex, he's looking.
I'm sorry, but after everything you've said, and all the things you have pointed out. I'd leave this relationship. but that is just me. He is treating you so badly. He's got no respect for you, or your feelings, or the fidelity that is supposed to be there. Having mulitple accounts, and listing yourself as single, is not right, and for him to say he's not "actively" looking, is just BS.
I had a boyfriend who used to do that, and he'd tell me he wasn't looking, that they were either old accounts, or that he is just friends with the girls. Guess what, he wasn't just friends, and he was cheating, and looking for hook ups...
You're been beaten up enough, don't you think? this is just my take on it. I just feel for you, you don't deserve to be treated like this, no one does.
Ya im with marina, too. I dont blame you for going on there and wanting to get the compliments. when my H was being a **** and ignoring me, i went on singles sites, too. it was nice to get the attention again. It was nice to actually talk with a guy again, and have them be interested in me. Now I stick with penpal sites, though. I've had penpals in africa (Gambia), Iran, and Ive had a penpal from Lebanon for eight years now. I have a penpal that is from the states but he moves around a lot and is in Switzerland now. We've written for three or so years. It might be something you could try out. You learn a lot but also get some attention, too. Plus its less risky.
I'm going to try and have some time with him tonight before my meeting. I hope he's open to it. This may be his last chance.
The gentleman in question just happens to be bringing a man I knew before I met my husband. This man is single again, wealthy and says he is still in love with me. (whooo boy what a meeting this is going to be) and happens to be partners with the man I'm meeting.
If hubby won't talk to me, or says he doesn't want me - I may end up dating this person. Don't worry, I will absolutely without question let hubby know about it before I date him. I don't believe in cheating. I do believe in letting your SO know that hey, if you don't want me there is somebody that does.
It could be that Mr X isn't my cup of tea anymore. It could be that he is. I don't know. What I do know is that hubby is fast running out of time to make up his mind about it.
I know of at least 20 eligible, single, wonderful men that would love to take me out and have fun, be friends and see where it goes. I LOVE my husband (or whatever he is) and I would give anything and give up anything for him to love me too. But if he doesn't, so be it.
If he wants me, I'm here. If he doesn't, I think I've done my time.
And wouldn't it figure that very night he comes on to me with sex and love and tenderness? He has always been able to read me. Either he's looking at my PC logs (don't think he is) or he felt a tremor in the force.
Good news was, Friday was a good business meeting, nothing more. Said old flame was just that - old news. He was still handsome and charming but there was no connection or spark. We parted ways and will probably work together, but that's it.
The waiter at the place, however, was ALL over me! lol. Still... I was like "shrug" to it all. In my heart I still love the idiot I live with.