athena767

Thank you in advance to whoever reads this desperate post. Sorry for the length.
I married hubby almost 8 years ago and coming from a home with controlling and retrograde parents, I didn't understand my husband's problem in the beginning.
I am a sexual person but I could never have an orgasm with husband (had it with ex-boyfriend), and I though I was turning off my husband, until 2 years ago, when hubby admitted that he had always had a problem: unable to keep erections, the only way he ejaculates is through masturbation, either by himself or if I rub his penis.
In the beginning I was in denial, thinking that love and company was enough. But I feel frustrated and angry because not only he doesn't do anything proactive to look for a solution to his sexual issue, but also he has a very conservative personality, and I am an artist, intense and creative by nature. His family are practically religious fundamentalists and he is an extremely restrained, narrow minded person, hates new things. Added that to his impotence, it makes sexual contact very plain and limited, as he is not willing to do or try anything different.
He things that having oral sex is a huge deal. But I need penetration, intensity, a passionate relationship. I cannot help but recall all the almost embarrassing intimate moments with him and feel frustrated and even offended.
I am afraid of whining because one time I was really excited he said "why you do that sound, are you crying? am I hurting you? do the other women do this? I don't think is normal, it sounds like if you were crying..."
I am afraid of coming during oral because the first time he said "hold on! ..you are going to come in my face!" just married then and I still remember and feel hurt, even though he denied saying that, said he "spoke without thinking".
And so many other things that he later denies to say or to do, but it makes me even more frustrated when I am with him. Also, please do not take this the wrong way, but another issue for me is that my dh's penis is too thin, which makes things worse. He would not be willing to do anything about that, and I don't think there is solution either.
I hate myself for having given to this man the best years of my life, and now it's too late to find a real love.
So I don't know if I have hope or escape.
I love my husband, or I believe I do, that is why I have resisted so many years, but I cannot do it anymore.
Now I find myself dreaming with other men (unknown) and I question if I should contact my ex or find an affair. I really need sex and passionate sex.
Now I remember how many guys I used to have after me and I cannot believe that I decided to marry my husband.
To finalize I would like to add that my husband is a great father and great husband, my best friend and confidant, as a person he has a wonderful heart but is the sexual arena that is bringing so many issues.
Thank you for reading this, I hope some woman or man can feel identified with my problems. I need you advise please.

Browncoat

My advice is this: divorce him or insist on sex therapy and try and save the marriage. Don't cheat (that's the worst option).

I spent the majority of my 15 years of marriage in a sexless marriage. I know how painful it can be to not be sexually satisfied by your spouse, I feel that pain to this day. In our case we started sex therapy 4 weeks ago. While it's not fixed everything yet, I've seen some big changes (time will tell if they are permanent changes or not). Though the circumstances are different (my wife often times has painful intercourse which prevents us from having intercourse often in addition to a very low drive), the result is the same I felt hurt, neglected, unloved, and unsatisfied. I felt/feel terrified of a future filled with decades more of the same. I also love my wife and my kids and don't want them to go through the pain of a divorce, so I chose sex therapy. I think you should at least consider it.

Don't have an affair unless you want your marriage to be over. If you do want it over just file for a divorce and save him the pain that an affair (if he finds out) will cause him. Not to mention that an affair might negatively affect the outcome of any divorce settlement.

Has he been to a doctor about his erection issues? That's not normal at all.

You need hope right now, in him, in this marriage (as well as sexual satisfaction). Insist that he goes to a sex therapist with you. He needs to learn a lot about sex and perhaps the erection issues are psychological as well.

chillymorn

could he have a porn problem?

sounds like he needs to lay off the masterbation so the stimulation he gets through intercourse will be enough to orgasm.

I would say I don't want to make love to someone who dosn't care what I like. and put a time table on it if he refuses to put any effort into improving you sex life then you have to decide if its a deal breaker or not.

tell him sex is supost to be about pleasing eachother,fun,platfull,.exciting. and the stress of his unwillingness to meet your needs is a huge turn off. sugest he go the the doctor and get a full physical(I would even sugest you go to the dr with him)


I feel for you because I know how hard it is to be with someone who is inhibited/selfish.

good luck.

FormerNiceGuy

People seem to have a hard time grasping the following:

Sexual problems in a relationship are just symptoms of more fundamental problems in said relationship.

Now, you are going to get pages of responses with wonderful ideas about how to get your husband over his ED issues, etc. They are all bunk.

Get thee to therapy (with apologies to Willy Shakespeare).

You are an adult, so you can be hopeful. You don't need an escape. You can walk out the front door.

Forget about your husband's problems and start fixing the things that ail you. You can live without sex for a little while. You asked some very important questions about why you married your husband in the first place. Find the answers.

As you start putting up proper boundaries with your husband, he will either grow and change or he won't. If he does, the sexual issues can be addressed. If he won't, you will have to make a choice.

Hang in there. Everything happens for a reason and if you don't fight too much, stay open to growth and show up, the results are often nothing short of miraculous.

Jeff/BC

*shrugs* Does it really matter what you do? As I understand it, you consider "cheating" to be a solution to something. For you, betrayal of your best friend is one way to solve a problem. I'm not really sure where to go with that. Whether your resolve the sex issue or not, that remains.

chillymorn

total frustration sometimes clouds the judgement.

she hasn't cheated she came here looking for answers.

I've considered lots of things that I never acted apone. as I'm sure everybody dose!

Browncoat

I hear what you are saying FNG, but that's not always the case. If folks walk into the marriage with sexual issues (which sounds like the OP's H did), it could be a lot of other things.

My wife walked into our marriage with a ton of sexual issues that neither of us knew about ahead of time (because she was a virgin when we married). Sounds like her husband did as well.

I agree with everything else FNG said though, some good advice there.

Toffer

FNG,

ED issues are NOT ALWAYS about something else! I'm not saying that other issues can't cause this but there are many physical ailments that do!

First of all, ED can also be a sign of undetected cardiac issues (circulation) as well as numerous other health issues like diabetes.

OP, first you'd need to talk your husband into seeing a urologist and his MD to rule out possible health consideraations.

Next, the counseling card should be used as suggested by FNG. I use the medical card first because that is something that can be handled in a visit or two. Counseling can go on and on before any real progress is made.

Your husband could also be embarassed by his performance issues and has chosen to cope with them in his own way. The loss of sexual function to a man is huge and causes all sorts on issues and esteem problems.

Last but not least, do not cheat. If you still feel the need to have sex, tell your husband that if he isn't willing to pursue medical and mental health help, you love him but do not see a future with him since you feel that you need sex. Divorce him before you cheat on him!

athena767

Thank you for all of your responses, I am writing below some answers to the previous posts, again, sorry for the length:

- He went to see a urologist, examined him and said he is fine. Prescribed viagra, but my dh has bad side effects and is unbearable for him. Also, I would like to know the root of his problem.

- His upbringing was very restrained, as it was mine, I was fine in the beginning (even-though I had orgasm with ex boyfriend, there was no penetration) I was not sure what was the problem, until I saw some porn and realized that he cannot keep erections for more than a few seconds.

- His family are very religious, ultra conservative and judgmental, he was raised following strict protocols. Sometimes I feel that he married me because he was in his mid 30's and his family was pressing him and he felt desperate to accomplish the "plan" that his family requires. I wanted to the delay the marriage but he was too worried about "people" because he had given a "date" already. I was new in this country and didn't know how things worked, didn't want to hurt him so went ahead with the wedding. These "people" were not even his family, but friends of his parents, etc. They all went to our wedding and I didn't know them, and never saw them again. It makes me angry the way he thinks.

- I do believe I was his first sexual experience even though he denies. He is 6 years older than I am.

- Until today I am not sure if the love I feel is a couple or fraternal one. For the reasons above plus his personality (all the opposite to spontaneity and who I am) it is hard for me to feel sexually attracted to him. I have tried with all my heart and soul during all these years, believe me. Never cheated, always respected him even fighting my own thoughts, because I love him, and cannot hurt him. But over the years my frustration and need for intimacy are making this battle against myself really hard and I am in a bad depression now, wondering if marrying him was the right decision. The years pass and I am not that young woman anymore, I look at myself in the mirror and realize that my life is flying away and I have not lived it at all.

I strongly believe that someone who is not going through this, could never understand or imagine how hard it is. It's easy to judge when we are "outside watching the fight".

Thank you again guys for reading my posts and for sharing some light in this darkness.

Toffer

Again, also have him go to his regular MD. Will he agree to counseling too?

There are other ED meds besides viagra. He should try them all to see if one is better than the other for him. Did he go back to the urologist and tell the Dr about the viagra side effects? If not, he should. It may be as simple as adjusting the doseage.

athena767

Thank you Toffer,
He never went back to the urologist, he is in denial. I kept insisting and even put a due date that he had to meet, didn't do it. He feels comfortable this way. 2 weeks ago I told him that he will not even get close to me until we go to therapy, he agreed but so far not being proactive. I have the impression that is going to be hard, because he is very stubborn and narrow minded (bad combination, believe me), so he would probably have to change his thoughts first.
But how can you make someone like things that he never liked? .....Even if he pretends that he is open now, I am afraid I would feel that he is faking, the same way I feel now, because of all the humiliating turn-offs that he did to me when we were just married (check first post)
8 years after, I have concentrated in my work to forget about my sexual frustration in my marriage.

Browncoat

Does he have hangups about masturbation? I assume he has ED issues even when he masturbates?

I really wonder if he almost feels guilty about every aspect of his sexuality.

I know you mentioned he is very religious, do you think he's be willing to try getting drunk sometime at home. Who knows maybe with a buzz he'd be able to achieve a proper erection... that is w/o his head being overly involved. It can't hurt to try if he's willing.

Bottled Up

athena, I can't begin to understand how frustrating this is for you... It is incredibly hard to bottle up and repress your sexual desires.

I think it is worth at least trying to communicate to your husband the severity of the possible consequences of him not taking you seriously on this matter. He needs to show genuine, dedicated effort in trying to get to the bottom of the issue and trying to fix it if your relationship is going to stand the test of time. Tell him his lack of trying is starting to drive you away, and you don't know how much longer you can stay dedicated to a relationship where his lack of effort to find a solution is a clear neglect for fulfilling your own needs in your relationship.

Don't make the conversation about his ED driving you away... make it about his lack of effort in trying to work together with you that's the real insult in driving you away.

Ultimately, when all is said and done and you've given it your best but still find yourself at the end of your rope, please for the love of God don't have an affair. It's the ultimate betrayal to a spouse... the heartbreak is permanently traumatizing. You have no idea the damage it will do when he finds out about the infidelity.

If you have seriously reached the point in your relationship where you're ready to give yourself to another man, then there's no point in staying married anyway. DIVORCE FIRST... the sex will be there for you when you are legally separated. It's only right...

__________________
"Love is a canvas furnished by Nature and embroidered by Imagination" -Voltaire

mrsmanhatten

I think posters are headed in the right direction. If it's not a physical problem such as a medical underlying medical condition I would assume its a psychological thing going on. I knew this mormon that was terrified of sexual intercourse because it was only for "making babies" and masterbation was a sin and so on and so forth. So if he were conditioned to believe sexuality for pleasure is wrong something may have gotten messed up along the way and sex therapy or family therapy can be a great solution to begin with. I don't know at all what you are feeling but I do know an affair is not the way to go. If he refused to acknowledge an issue and receive help there is no compatibility and then you know you did everything you could but he has to be willing to work through and and get to a sexual state that you are happy with. I appreciate that you have had the patience with him this long that is really commendable. Don't give up yet...see what steps he is willing to take to make this work. You have to be clear about what you need and how to get there. It is an ultimatum but it is your happiness and his at stake.

Shaggy

Have you considered that he is sexually ignorant? Meaning he has never learned how to be with a woman and enjoy it and to be a good lover. If he did have other partners, and only took car of himself until the age of 30, he lacks sex knowledge.

Now there are therapist who can help on these issues, there are also books and videos to learn positions, styes, etc.

You can also try other drugs like Calis and many natural remedies to boost arousal. Heck, even regular exercise can help big time.
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