Sex in MarriageSexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.
Yes you should. If you aren't in the mood ask him to do something for you first (foot massage, draw a nice warm bubble bath for you, w/e).
Frequency should be decided between you two, I agree with LadyFrog 1x/week is a good minimum. Some couples shoot for 2-3x a week, some even more. If you are doing less than 1x/week I hope your husband has a weak libido.
If your married with kids, fairly busy, and not in the mood.
1) Should you just have sex to appease your partner? Even if your not really into it and you know they will pick a fight if you dont have sex 'enough'?
2) If so how often is reasonable/unreasonable?
A resounding "he!! no" you shouldn't have sex if you don't want to. Own it, love it. You work hard for your money and are entitled to behave any way you want to.
Now, I don't know if you are a man or a woman, but I am assuming a man.
So, Sir, you are not in the mood. That is fine. Don't like sex? That is OK too. Happy never to have it again, or maybe once or twice a year when the moon is full on the first Sunday of the month? You need to fess up to the wife. Directly.
"Hi Honey, I have decided, between kids and work and a few civic duties, that sex isn't important to me at all. I know it was kind of an implicit part of getting married, but hey I just lost that loving feeling, ya know? No hard feelings hun!"
A little word of warning. She might not be happy about the unilateral decision. So, there may be some consequences. Since human behavior encompasses so many different types of activity, I won't try to guess what she might do, but just be prepared to accept anything from quiet acceptance to a full blown affair. The affair, by the way, won't be your "fault", but will be a poorly chosen response by your wife to a sexless marriage.
Now, I suppose you could ask the question why you don't have any desire, but that would require self reflection and maybe therapy. This is kind of like going to the Dr. for us men, don't do it unless you absolutely have to.
i thing it depends on where "in the relationship" the two of you are. if resentment, and anger, and regression is ruling your relationship, than, it will not be an easy question to answer.
you have to work on why there is a blockade on sex, and life in general. if you or your spouse are putting kids, and job and household chores, come first...than no one will feel like putting the other persons feelings first.
personally in my marriage..i feel like im having an affair with my husband. we had the WORST 2/3 weeks of yelling, cussin, fussin, silent treatments...
we [i] got to the root of a huge prob, and husband came to an understanding, and we had a LOT of loooong talks. i think we are both feel freer and lighter.
now i do have sex with him when i dont really want to, and i dont hold it against him. we both understand the statement...theres no good reason not to...
we got back to doing all the little things that make the other person feel good, and loved....its not a win/lose game...its not a one up manship contest...its not who has the bigger stack of chips, or a counting game to see who does more/less.
Turns out that many women have "responsive desire" whereas many men have "spontaneous desire". My wife often starts sex in neutral; she could take it or leave it. But we have both learned that once we get started she really heats up...and I mean REALLY!! So if we were waiting for her to be "in the mood" we would be having sex about twice a month instead of 2-4 times a week.
There are a lot of things in life we do when we really aren't in the mood to do them.
The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to "stand up for your rights." Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out. 1 Corinthians 7:2 (The Message)
Last edited by romantic_guy; 04-26-2012 at 08:32 PM.
Lately I haven't been in the mood AT ALL since surgery...well, it ebbs and flows in a weird way that I'm not used to. I just go with it and ALWAYS have a good time. Hubs knows I'm not feelin' it lately, he also knows that I do it AND sometimes initiate it Because I love the silly f&cker. I want him to feel desired and accepted and loved. So I initiate, even when I'm not in the mood. However, knowing this, he then takes initiative to give me INCREDIBLE orgasms. Like, amazing orgasms lately.
So...even when I know I'm not in the mood for sex, I'm always in the mood to love my husband.
Don't bring "too busy" into it. It's just an excuse to avoid addressing the real problem and examine your role in it.
If both of you are in the same home at night, there is plenty of time and opportunity to have sex. An adequate sex life (2x per week) takes at most 90 minutes, less than 1% of a week.
Figure out what the problem is and address it. Saying "the problem is that he / she wants sex" or "wants sex a certain way" does not count. If you cannot pinpoint a behavior that prevents you from having a sex life with good frequency and variety, you need to consider the problem is with you and go from there.
If your partner has sexual needs, "yes" you should meet them if possible. That is, after all, the promise you both made. If you can't do it without obviously playing the part of the sacrificial lamb being led to slaughter, then forget it. I'd rather have no sex than obvious duty sex. If you are physically able but just can't find it in yourself to devote 30 minutes or an hour a couple times a week for your spouse's basic human needs, you might want to reconsider whether you are marriage material.
I don't want to wake up every day at 5:30 AM and go to work but that was part of the understanding when we married and had kids.
Marriage is similar. There is an implied obligation that you'll have sex with your partner. The issue of frequency is one that changes and needs to be constantly renegotiated as the relationship revolves and changes
There is a big difference between giving in and laying there and giving in out of love and being and active participant, also I have learned that my spouse does not want to know when I am doing it just for him, he wants it to be normal like any other time. This took some time and practice and mental stimulation on my own part to ensure that I keep myself wanting sex so that I could not only accept more advances but also initiate more. It has to be a priority or it will ruin your relationship. Posted via Mobile Device
Yes, you should. Not being "in the mood" is not a valid excuse, nor is having children, or being busy. Everyone is busy.
You may not be in the mood when you start but you'll get in it quickly enough. Unless you can play the TaTaChaCha game and not react to any of your partners moves, which is highly unlikely.
Frequency depends on the couple. At least once a week.
Tell me about this game?
Sorry but I figure everyone is busy, not useing it as an excuse. Was fishing for a baseline without consideration of my personal situation.
To clarify. I am female, dont withhold, he dosent know when its obligatory, dont mind a quicky or 3 to each mutual satisafactory encounter. I do put forth the effort, I dont feel a return of it.
I feel that just because hes got wood or in the mood should not be the only factor in weather we have sex. It is my body too is it not? IMO people rarely do thigns for 1 reason, there are many reasons. Some of which are more valid or carry more weight than others. Accurately expressing a few would be lengthy.
Sex in itself dose not equal love. It dose make people generally feel better and is implyed in a marriage. Sometimes its a way to express love. But all own it dose not.