AnonymousMe

I'd really like to get some advice on what I should do in this matter. We're in our early 20's and have only been married less than 2 years, and dating a few years before that. Is this something that could get better, or do I just have to deal with it like I'm coming to believe:

My wife recently confessed she hasn't enjoyed nor had the desire to have sex with me since our 'lusting' phase (the term she uses to describe the first 4 months of our dating in which we had sex almost daily) That lusting phase was fantastic, and I'd love to bring it back, but I'm logical here; I realize it will probably never come true.

Sex life has never been the same since then. I admit I do have endurance issues (a few minutes) about half of the time, but nothing a 2nd round or a little alcohol doesn't fix; so I don't see how that is an issue. Other than that, I'm your typical successful super-libido male 20-something. Now we are probably averaging once every 5 weeks (with one span lasting 6 months directly after we were married); and when we do she is always on top and I get the sense she is just trying to get an orgasm. There is no consideration for whether I am enjoying it or not. I often want to end it and have a talk, but lets face it... I'm a sex starved male, am I really going to end sex? Outside sex I am very outspoken, masculine, but at the same time do the majority of the chores and 'i-love-yous'. I always put my pride aside and genuinely will do anything to make her happy, and admitingly selfishly expect the same from her (which makes this all the harder to deal with).

We both have good paying jobs, good health, no children, and security all around; so I've finally come to the conclusion that she is just one of those women who don't find any enjoyment out of sex, no matter how good it or life actually is. And despite all of our talks (which I always initiate and I do 80% of the talking), she isn't convinced any measure of working on it isn't going to fix it. I just keep getting the line: "Well do you just want me to sit there and take it?" , or "I don't need sex to be happy", or "I just don't enjoy it", or "I asked my doctor and she said I was completely normal".

Very rarely we start going in the direction or sex, but its always something like: "Well you didn't do the laundry so I'm upset now", or "you're kissing me wrong I'm no longer in the mood". Which always sets me off and starts a fight.

What I'd like to know is if somehow removing more stress (such as waiting it out until I get a promotion where I can let her quit her job or moving closer to our families) might change our course, or if this is just what marriage is all about, or what. We are still very much in love, and trying to plan out our next few years and if they involve children. Is this just the future that most men are forced to go down? Living their life battling the monster that is their own libido? Because this is a hell of a monster, and after only a year I'm beaten down and exhausted.

Any advice would be appreciated more than you could ever know.

Mr_brown

Married man sex life blog... Check it out! Do a google search on it!! Read the book! And read hold onto your N.U.T.'s!

DTO

No amount of removing stress from her life is going to change anything.

She told you flat out that once sex was not new for the two of you she has not wanted it. It happens. You really need to be happy she was honest and not saying it's your fault for not doing X, Y, or Z. She has nothing to gain by lying about this - assume she is telling the truth.

The fact that you do tons for her and she does not reciprocate says she does not like you that much in general. Sex is just for her needs and yours do not factor in. Lovely.

Do yourself a favor and get out. Do not have any children or build any more ties with her. She does not like you much - period.

OneHotMomma

I will put it to you this way. There is a problem. I am not a doctor but I do have a degree in psychology and if you have not heard this already not all people speak the same love/lust language. You may communicate wonderfully, and have a great relationship with all the bells and whistles but if you are not filling her up emotionally then she will never want sex. In the beginning it's a honeymoon phase and no one needs to try to fill the other one up b/c you have a ton of lust driving you. It's new, it's different. It's fun. Now, you have to TRY. It's not irreparable. It's in fact.. very easy to change. The first thing you need to do is step back from the situation, pretend you are someone else. Pretend you are someone interested in your wife like you were before you dated.. remember how interesting she was to you? Remember thinking "how can i get her to like/sleep/be with me?" Ok.. now watch her, try to find out what makes her or MADE her smile, laugh, show intimacy. if there are no clear signs b/c of the current issues then instead of trying to "figure her out" try things instead. I don't mean initiate sex at all.. no. Pretend that is not even an option.

There are only a few ways that humans feel loved. 1. Being built up with words! Words can hurt and words CAN HEAL. Words are SO powerful. You probably know what your wife wants people to admire about her.. maybe she is smart? maybe she comes up with great ideas or is an awesome cook? USE that. Mention how amazing the meal was. What a great job she does paying the bills on time or whatever it is that she does that you may not or never have complimented. The little things. Maybe she has a knack for something and she does not think anyone even notices.. if YOU notice the littlest of things this will begin (slowly of course... b/c it's a process) making her feel fulfilled by you. if words alone are not seeming to make her happy or more flirtatious and close to you after trying it for a day (and by the way be genuine b/c if you are not she will think something is up!!) try the 2nd thing that make humans feel loved: Touch. I don't mean groping or feeling her up. I mean a light touch on her shoulder. I swiping of her hair from her eyes.. a lil lower back light handed touch just to let her know you are moving behind her. You have no idea how intimate that is to a women and to men as well. Try doing this a couple times nonchalantly throughout the week and be genuine again like I said before. Examine her reactions.. at first she may not even give you any reaction and that is completely normal.. don't stop. If touch isn't really making a difference.. try getting into some ACTION and I don't mean sexually.. I mean DO chores. Sweep, pick up your laundry from off the floor, take out the garbage way before she even has a thought to ask. Clean the dishes or even really wow her by washing the shower! Do something that HELPS take the load off her even if she never expressing feeling burdened.

You can start small, no pressure. just find something she usually has to get on you about and DO it before she even knows it needs to be done and let her know you did it. Make it obvious without being ****y. Do a few of these little things throughout the second week and see her reactions. She may be resentful at first and not like that you are "trying to hard" ignore it, don't give up or get defensive and DONT tell her why you are doing it.. if she suspects anything say "because I love you and I realize you deserve it"

After you observe her reactions after the acts you do.. if she still isnt becoming more open, flirtatious or initiating and wanting sex.. don't stop because the 4th way we feel fulfilled is knowing that someone wants to spend time they can never get back doing things with us so DO IT> has she been begging you to see a movie you know you will hate? Did she always want a certain vacation to happen? or even a date? There HAS to be something she has mentioned again and again that you have no interest in doing but you KNOW would make her day! Maybe there is a new restaurant in town she mentioned seeing open up.. these are not words she speaks without purpose! women speak b/c they care about things. Maybe she said "oh look this place looks fun" .. make a reservation and surprise her! Spend quality time looking into her eyes. Don't cut her off when she tells you about her boring day .. act interested, nod your head, repeat what she told you .. just try it. I promise you women will melt in your arms if you give them the right affection.

If things are still not coming around don't give up.. if you even have to go into week three so be it.. there is one last way that humans feel loved and that's getting gifts. Yep, for no reason. You know your wife. You know what she likes and if you don't, just take a look in her closet. Find a shirt she JUSt wore and go buy her a gift card to the store its from. When she asks what the occasion is be honest.. tell her it's because you love her and she deserves to be appreciated for being your one and only lifetime love because she does and YOU deserve her love. Gift GIFT GIFT! get a mushy card, flowers anything you can think of that you know she will love. Don't go overboard just do something meaningful. If things don't start coming around after a month of slowly adding these lil things to your life.. then come back here and let me know and i will tell you what to do.. and whether it is really worth staying. I promise you.. she will realize you love her and in turn she will be more flirtatious and eventually you will have sex and don't ever stop doing these lil things for her.. fill her up and she will... well.. let you fill her up graphic yes.. truthful..as well.

K

unbelievable

I'd love to tell you there's some magic wand, a magic pill, or maybe you could jump through a magic hoop and turn her into a real wife. She just has zero sex drive for you and life is going to stink for you right up until the day the Grim Reaper finally gets around to paying you a visit. Seventy years of trying to squeeze love out of a zombie is a very long time and there's no prize waiting at the end for your suffering. You don't have kids. You've got less than 2 years invested. I'd ditch her. There are normally functioning human beings in this world. You've told her how frustrated you were. She has shown you in myriad ways that she doesn't care in the slightest and she has no interest in improving things.