04-30-2012, 10:25 AM
Join Date: Apr 2012
| | Problems with son leading to problems with sex
This could be a VERY long story, but I will try to make it brief. We have been married for 16 years, have 3 kids, 15 yos, 12 yos, and 11 yod. I was a SAHM for most of our relationship, which I appreciate. I was going back to school, but due to financials, I also had to go back to work. During that time, my DH's business took a dive as did his ego. We fought constantly over EVERYTHING big and small. He took up drinking in a way that he had never before and long story short, the fights were bad and very, very long, and very very frequent, and in front of the kids. He never hit me, just grabbed me occassionally. I would always try to walk away, but he would always follow me. It was very bad. The yelling was bad, he would go on and on all hours of the night.
Long story short, the kids have lost respect for him. Especially the oldest. There was a time when DH hit him because he was being disrespectful. DH was drunk at the time. DH also recently got a DUI. The oldest found out and that made an already bad situation worse.
I have graduated and have been working for 2 years. The financials are getting better. His attitude has changed since his DUI and the drinking has lessened. He is kind of trying, but the oldest refuses to speak to him. This causes DH to get angry and frustrated. I try to explain that the oldest is going through a lot trying to deal with the past few years. I try to talk to him and tell him that his father is trying to do better, but he doesn't believe it. DH has had a few relapses and they were bad, but overall he is trying at about a 75% effort which is a lot for him.
Then there is the sex. When DH gets upset with our son, he goes to bed. He is upset that I don't initiate more, but really...how can I initiate with a turned back at 8:30? His attitude around the house is just all around very negative, partially due to the fact that the kids don't respect him. It is hard for me to want to have sex with someone who is so negative. We don't have sex much...like honestly, 1-2 times per month. I'd like to have it more, so would he. It is just difficult to go from such a negative and bad day in our home to romance at bed time. The two just don't go together.
At times I think about the crap he put us through and have a really hard time getting past the emotional end of it to just initiate anyways. It's really hard.
He really has never owned up to his end of our problems. He tends to project all of the problems onto me or the kids.
I never talk bad to the kids about him, I always try to talk him up to them, which makes me seem like an idiot when he has his relapses.
On one hand I feel like an enabler
On the other hand I feel like a bad wife and mother
On the other hand I feel like running away from it all
How many more hands do I have???
Please help me sort through this mess.