whyowhy

This could be a VERY long story, but I will try to make it brief. We have been married for 16 years, have 3 kids, 15 yos, 12 yos, and 11 yod. I was a SAHM for most of our relationship, which I appreciate. I was going back to school, but due to financials, I also had to go back to work. During that time, my DH's business took a dive as did his ego. We fought constantly over EVERYTHING big and small. He took up drinking in a way that he had never before and long story short, the fights were bad and very, very long, and very very frequent, and in front of the kids. He never hit me, just grabbed me occassionally. I would always try to walk away, but he would always follow me. It was very bad. The yelling was bad, he would go on and on all hours of the night.

Long story short, the kids have lost respect for him. Especially the oldest. There was a time when DH hit him because he was being disrespectful. DH was drunk at the time. DH also recently got a DUI. The oldest found out and that made an already bad situation worse.

I have graduated and have been working for 2 years. The financials are getting better. His attitude has changed since his DUI and the drinking has lessened. He is kind of trying, but the oldest refuses to speak to him. This causes DH to get angry and frustrated. I try to explain that the oldest is going through a lot trying to deal with the past few years. I try to talk to him and tell him that his father is trying to do better, but he doesn't believe it. DH has had a few relapses and they were bad, but overall he is trying at about a 75% effort which is a lot for him.

Then there is the sex. When DH gets upset with our son, he goes to bed. He is upset that I don't initiate more, but really...how can I initiate with a turned back at 8:30? His attitude around the house is just all around very negative, partially due to the fact that the kids don't respect him. It is hard for me to want to have sex with someone who is so negative. We don't have sex much...like honestly, 1-2 times per month. I'd like to have it more, so would he. It is just difficult to go from such a negative and bad day in our home to romance at bed time. The two just don't go together.

At times I think about the crap he put us through and have a really hard time getting past the emotional end of it to just initiate anyways. It's really hard.

He really has never owned up to his end of our problems. He tends to project all of the problems onto me or the kids.

I never talk bad to the kids about him, I always try to talk him up to them, which makes me seem like an idiot when he has his relapses.

On one hand I feel like an enabler

On the other hand I feel like a bad wife and mother

On the other hand I feel like running away from it all

How many more hands do I have???

Please help me sort through this mess.

Thanks! =)

drmmommy

I totally understand about how the negativity from your husband makes you not want to have sex with him. My husband and I are dealing with the same thing, and we only have sex about every 3-4 months.
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Browncoat

He needs to go to AA. He has shown that he can not control his alcoholism, and likely he never will w/o outside help and accountability. DO NOT DELAY. Insist on this.

He needs a solid (male) sponsor who has been sober for preferably 3+ years. My belief in general is that if he can get a sponsor who has been helped others in the past that would be best. You don't need your DH to be a guinea pig for someone to figure out how to be a good sponsor... you need a good sponsor now. He's a father and whose kids aren't getting any younger and are already damaged by his addiction.

He needs to understand that the situation can not continue. If he refuses AA and refuses to take it seriously, then you should separate until he gets his act together. If there are no consequences to his actions then you are an enabler.

Once the alcoholism and violent behavior (grabbing and yelling) have stopped, you can work on your sex life. With all these HUGE issues looming in your marriage, sex life can't be the focus.

cafedoc123

Browncoat beat me to it. Your husband is an alcoholic, with a DUI under his belt. This is A PROBLEM that he needs to address. You don't address it by "lessening" your drinking. AA/rehab is the way to go.

This is not going to be resolved until his substance abuse issue is dealt with.

whyowhy

So what do I do? I feel like we should not be together but financially it has to be (I think).
I feel torn like I have to choose between my husband and my son. For example, my son told his
father that he's moving out asap. He is super bright, I hate that he's thinking it's his only way
to be happy. This will ruin his future. As a good parent I want to do everything to protect my kids.
Do *I* move out wig the kids? How will that affect the other kids? And how do I move out when he's "trying?"

I should probably post this the the parenting forum, but if we don't have more sex he's probably going to
leave anyways, so the de vision will have been made for me in proper enabled fashion.

Uggg
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Browncoat

If you are seriously willing to move out, and I mean really serious. Ask your son to stay for now. Promise him that if your husband goes back to his bottle, you will go with him (your son).

In the meanwhile, do you have family living nearby? A grandparent perhaps? If so maybe he could stay with them and continue his education.

If you go to church, is there someone there who might be willing to open their home? I know if there was someone in your situation at my church, I would open up my home in a heartbeat.

cafedoc123

Your husband needs to realize that his drinking is the problem. "Trying" does not count. His drinking is adversely affecting his family, his relationships, and is starting to have legal consequences (DUI).

One suggestion is to schedule a family intervention. You don't have to necessarily do it like they do on television, but having family members address him directly, and FIRMLY setting boundaries might get him to realize just how serious the situation is.

Staying with an alcoholic is not a solution. I guarantee you, the disease will affect you and your children in disturbingly profound ways.